Marriage. What to do?

You have picked the wrong partner. If he isn’t interested in providing the legal protection and advantages that being married provide, he isn’t a good match.

As far as statistics are concerned, I would not be the least surprised to learn that more couples who don’t get married also don’t stay together, than couples who do stay together.

I have known couples that have lived with each other for just about forever and have never had a problem. I have known couples that married right away and divorced after two years. I do not believe in couples living together, without being married. Old fashioned? Yes, but that is just me.

If things are going okay with you two, then let it be. Sooner or later(7 years)you will be common law man and wife anyway, so either way you will be married.

“If it ain’t broke, then don’t fix it”.

@john65pennington Only a handfull of states recognize common law marriage.

Okay, I guess I should have only applied that to Tennessee. Thanks.

From experience I can tell you waiting for someone to change their mind will just waste your time and possibly make you bitter to where the relationship deteriorates. I can also tell you it isn’t a mystery when you meet another person who shares your values and is also looking to that as part of their life plan. Figure out which camp you’d rather put time in with.

I don’t think a relationship can survive where there is a disagreement like this on something so fundamental.

What @Neizvestnaya said. Being married is a major life choice, you need to determine if the boyfriend is more important to you than your life plan. If the two of you you have this big a rift over this big an issue, you may want to to rethink the relationship. And you need to make your feelings known very clearly to your boyfriend.

Don’t try to change him. Your attitude towards each other doesn’t sound the same at all. You want marriage with him, but it doesn’t sound like you are likely to get it. You need to accept that for your own good and your own sanity. There’s no point in pushing it. If it’s best to leave, it’s best to leave.

This is hard, but you can’t change him. You need to walk away from the relationship.

There is a remote chance that he will come after you and ask you to marry him, but don’t count on it.

If you want to be a wife, it will have to be with someone else.

How old are you and how long have you been together?

Sometimes I speak so bluntly, some people get hurt feelings. Please understand that is not my intent

When you have a partner you love and care for, you understand what they want to be happy.
If your partner doesn’t understand your need for this, he doesn’t care enough for your relationship to last—- at least not right now.
Don’t force him into it. If he knows you want it, he will want it for you.
Talk it out. If he is sure this is something he will never want, and you do, you need to consider moving on.

@Unknown82 : You seem to have been married in February when you asked this question about sex with your husband: http://www.fluther.com/111750/how-do-i-become-most-confident-in-bed-with-my-husband/

I have trouble conflating that question with this one. Are you in a new relationship and with someone you want to marry 10 months after your last relationship? Or am I doing the math wrong?

P.S. You indicated that in March, 2011, you were pregnant. I’m having trouble making sense of what is really going on.

^^ She explained what she meant in another thread.

Here’s what she had to say about it:

“Sorry if there was confusion about the husband/ boyfriend thing. He is my boyfriend but he does not believe in marriage ( heartbreaking :-/) so i refer to him as my husband occasionally sometimes not on purpose. and nothing has changed right now but i will def let you know if anything changes thanks for the advice!”

Three days ago you asked a question about him cheating on you, @Unknown82. I agree with @gailcalled. Except I’d add that you seem a little confused. I say that not to be cruel, but out of concern. Slow down, Sweetie. You have two children by another man who you thought, based on another question, had gotten a juvenile pregnant. Look around you and think about the situation. Do you really want to marry this guy?

I know that if we ever got married it wouldnt be soon it was just a question so i could see what others thought and consider future plans… I asked for no judgment but thank you for you opinions!! :) I will reply more later but again thank you

@Unknown82, if those are your children in the photo with Santa, they are precious and beautiful. You are really blessed. I hope you have a great New Year.

To not get married because other couples don’t stay married is a really lame excuse. That’s like a thin person saying I won’t ever eat cake again because too many people in this country are fat.

Why do you want to get married? Even if you talk him into it, which is very very unlikely, he will not be any more committed to you than he is now most likely. Most people with very happy marriages talk about how everything happened very naturally. Sure they might have some funny story about how oneof them initially was not attracted to the other, or turned the other one down for a first date, but when they actually are dating, usually the stories of good couples are they dated, became engaged and got married and it seemed like the most natural thing in the world, both people were excited to be with each other and be married to each other. You are likely if you get married to look back when you are miserable with him in the future and realize you should have listened to him in the first place; he doesn’t want to marry you. Sorry to be so negative, but if you want to be married he is probably not the guy. How long have you been dating him?

I know a few women at the moment who are desperate to get married but there partners aren’t and I see resentment in their relationships. I also know of men who have proposed even though they didn’t really want to because of pressure from their partners and other outside influences. Some of those couples are still together but I would hardly call them successful. I think you need to figure out why you want to get married, if it’s just to have a wedding and be able to call yourself a wife then ask yourself if those things are more important than the partner you are with. If you want to be together badly enough then one of you is going to have settle for something you, ideally, wouldn’t given the choice, eventually. For a relationship to survive the most important thing is how much you love each other and support each other and not the ring on your finger in my opinion.

If you have already built a life with this person, then you go on the tack-tick that nothing has to change, and that legally its better and more beneficial for both of you. If your still living separately and he wont listen still, then tell him exactly what you want, if he is not prepared to have that life with you then you have to re-consider your options. Chances are if you force him into something that he really doesn’t want, then long term he will regret it and it wont work. If you leave him and let him know why your going, then at least your giving yourself the chance to meet someone who does want these things that are important to you.

I guess I am just going to have to decide whats really important to me. My bf and I are doing even worse right now and i just dont see anything getting better. We have been together since October of 2010 and we have a baby girl together. We should have taken it slower because it seems the more we get to know each other the less we like each other. Marriage is never going to happen and I don’t know if that is something I can get over. I have never had a lot of stability in my life and maybe thats what i am trying to get i don’t know. But something I am just going to have to figure out. Thanks for everyones advice and opinions I appreciate them very much.

@Unknown82 How old are you?

21… I know i am young but I had to grow up fast…

@Unknown82 You are young, and all that means to me is you are going through some of the things many of us have. Most of us have stayed for a while with someone who has treated us poorly, or was not as committed as we had hoped. Do you have the support of your family? Are you living with your SO now? I know how very very difficult it is to have a relationship end that you hoped would go on forever and give you a secure feeling, but sit back and think what if it was one of your girlfriends in our place? What would you advise her? What would you think of her SO behaving like your SO?

Did you purposely get pregnant? It seemed from what you said you did? My advice on that is take a look around you and see which adults have the life you want. How they think and behave helped to give them that life. If you are surrounded by unhappy couples, single parents, and bad men, these people cannot give you advice on how to be successful. Of course there migh be a specific person that can, but I am generalizing. Knowing what not to do is not exactly the same as knowing what to do.

You should focus on yourself and your baby, and not on a relationship with a man at all right now. If your family will hekp you take their help at least temporarily. Once you are standing on your own you will be much more likely to attract a great man who wants only the best for you and to build a life with you. Would you say your SO wants the best with you and to build a life with you?

@JLeslie: @Unknown82 is 21 and has the baby plus two younger children, according to her answers both here and embedded in other similar questions she has asked. That needs to be factored in to our responses.

@gailcalled More reason she needs to change what she is doing. I know this will sound like judging, and she did not want any judgment, but three kids by 21? I don’t judge her, but it does imply to me she is on a bad path. My hope for her is she changes her patterns. No more babies. No more hoping for a man to fix everything. No more looking for love in all the wrong places.

@JLeslie: Agree. It’s hard to say anything without sounding judgmental, however.
And a fantasy wedding is not going to fix anything, as you and I know.

@Unknown82, when you said, “I have never had a lot of stability in my life and maybe thats what i am trying to get i don’t know,” I thought that you were exactly right in what is going on in your life. You shouldn’t be judged and I hope I’d be the last person to ever have to judge you or wallk in your shoes. I just hope and pray your precious children don’t one day make the same statement you made about not having stability in thier lives. (((Hugs))) Be strong and be good to yourself and your children.

I am getting my tubes tied in a week so no more babies for me. Three is enough and i know I dont want to bring a baby into this world and not be able to give them the life they deserve! I make sure my babies always come first I don’t want them to feel as if they didn’t have to stability and support that they need! They are my world! and I am well aware that a “fantasy wedding” ,as you say, isn’t going to fix anything. I wasn’t looking for it to fix something it was just something that i want and he doesn’t. Trying to figure out if I should keep trying to work on our problems knowing that I am not going to get married in the future because thats what I want.

@Unknown82 I wish you every happiness. Just asking questions means you are on the track I think.

I have to admit I was confused when I read this question because I said to myself “isn’t this the girl that asked the question only about 3 days ago about leaving her boyfriend?” I read that other question, and sure enough it was. You wrote about him being mean to your kids, and you stated that you were thinking about leaving him. I asked you some questions in my answer on that thread, which you did not answer, which is fine, it’s your choice, but still, with those questions unanswered, I don’t understand why you are now wanting to get married to this man. I asked why you tolerate him being mean to your kids, and what that might do to your kids’ emotionally. You did say that you are clinically depressed and that he does not want you to take medication. I had suggested you go back to your parents’ house, which you said is 3½ hours away, and take some time to sort through your feelings. I also suggested you go to therapy, and if he would not accompany you to therapy, maybe you should go by yourself, to help you think about things.

You have beautiful children and they deserve a mommy that will defend them and provide a home where they are not treated badly by mommy’s boyfriend. As a mom, your children have to come first. If you don’t defend them, if you are not their first line of defense against the world, who is? Who will stick up for them?

With these questions lingering (lingering for you, not for me), I don’t understand why you still want to get married to this person.

Think long and hard about considering this person as a husband. He seems like a bad deal even for a long term relationship.

Even if he did want to get married at some point, it doesn’t sound like your relationship is a healthy one and marriage won’t solve that. I hope things get better for you whether you stay with him or not.

Like I said I was wondering if this relationship was worth trying to work out knowing in the long run i am not going to get what I want. So all the issue that you said @jca I am thinking about by asking this question. I have been trying to work with him one everything (being mean) but I dont know if it is all worth it. So i was wondering if this was never going to happen should i still try? thanks for your concern though.

I wouldn’t invest in a loosing strategy.
When my husband and I were first dating, He said something like, “Well, I never want to get married again and neither do you…...”
I stopped him really fast. I told him, “I love being married, and I WILL be married again either to you or to someone else.”
Somehow, the prospect of me going off and finding someone willing to marry me made him think twice. After 21 years, he is still the most devoted husband a girl could ask for. I am really blessed. I’m not a real Dr. Phil fan, but I do think that you teach people how to treat you.

Sometimes you have to let go of the dream, sometimes you have to let go of the person who doesn’t share the dream, and sometimes, when you build a dream with someone, and they decide they no longer want it, you have to let go of both. I have found the last one to be the most difficult for me.