Do you think it is better to marry your "ideal mate" or someone imperfect that you have a history with?
Asked by
Paradox1 (
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January 11th, 2012
Let’s say you had a choice. You could marry someone just the way you want them. Maybe you like brunettes (or whatever if you’re a female), and you want someone very attractive, and this person has all the other attributes you want and are looking for in a mate (smart, funny, good personality, etc.). The only condition is that you can only get to know each other for up to one year before the wedding.
OR you had the choice of marrying someone whom you either dated in the past or whom you’ve been friends with for many years and thus you have a history together. Maybe you came from the same small town, went to school together, or maybe you worked or traveled together for an extended period of time. Maybe you went to the same high school. Let’s say that the “history” you had together was significant and that you know this person quite well but whatever history that once brought you together is in the past. Now you are attracted to this person and you get along very well (which you know), but they are not your ideal choice for a spouse (if you could hand-pick someone), but they make you happy.
Who do you marry? Is the idea of your perfect spouse the greatest thing you can attain or does history count more? Assume that everything else would be constant, including money. If you’ve ever seen the movie Invention of Lying, you know what I am getting, and am essentially asking the same question.
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26 Answers
No, you should only marry a person you are in love with, and want to be a partner for the rest of your life. Nothing else matters.
In one year you can get to know a person pretty damn well.
I would like to marry someone I love and respect, who loves and respects me also. I feel that me being an “ideal mate” for him is just as important as him being an “ideal mate” for me. None of us are perfect, so I’ve already accepted that he will have flaws. I have been told that the best relationships start off as friends and I really like that idea. Your second option sounds more appealing to me for this reason, but I think it is a little bit flawed (at least for me). That person is my “ideal spouse”.
How about taking a third option? I don’t think there’s a such thing as an “ideal” or “perfect” spouse- it’s more like love, respect, and friendship that grow over time. That makes it seem like I’m for the person with the shared history, but I don’t think that’s the best choice, either. Any time you find yourself contemplating two less than ideal options, keep in mind that there are other ways.
I mean, I’m guessing that this question is hypothetical, and those are supposed to really be the only two choices for the sake of the question. But if it were in real life, I’d choose to be single rather than marrying either of these people. Maybe later on I’d meet someone great and there would be no tough choice. But if not, being single is way better than being stuck in the wrong marriage.
^^ Exactly. There is no such thing as a perfect spouse, or a perfect marriage, because none of us are perfect. Being single is better than being in an unhappy marriage, whether it appears perfect on the outside or not. The question seems to be “Would you rather base your marriage on being superficial… or settling for someone you might not really want?” A third option would be nice, but you’re right… it does appear to be a hypothetical question based on what a person would rather pick if only given those two options.
There are no such things as ideal mates. We build ideal relationships through hard work and willingness to grow with our partner. And even if by “ideal” we mean that we get to construct a person from our hypothetical desires, people have an uncanny knack for choosing precisely what is worst for them. My wife is not good for me because she meets the qualities I would list if I were to write up a list of the things for which I once thought I was looking. We are good for one another because of the way we learned to interact.
Moreover, the history spoken of in the OP—especially the parts about having a similar background—have been shown to be far more indicative of whether a marriage will last than other factors. Nothing seems to be able to make up for shared experiences.
@AnonymousGirl “Would you rather base your marriage on being superficial… or settling for someone you might not really want?” I was trying to figure out why neither of the options appealed, and you put it well. My first thought when I saw this question was, “eek, what if I had to make this choice in real life?” and that would be a pretty crappy situation. It’s like there’s no right answer.
The person I am most ideally matched with mentally, emotionally and physically. I agree with @FutureMemory, a year is long enough to know whether the person is right for you or not.
Sure, you have a year to get to know them. But as I read the question, you have to marry them regardless of the result.
@SavoirFaire practically took the words out of my mouth. Most of us think we know what we want, and we are often wrong. Or, we get what we want, and it is the worst thing for us.
If I were to write up a list of ideal traits that sound appealing to me, there is no way my husband would fit the mold. But the strength of our relationship has been built over years, by communicating, learning, growing together. I can’t imagine any other way to have a truly functional relationship.
But how long were you with each other before you committed @Neffie?
The ‘year’ person is supposed to have all the attributes I/you want, and you have a year to get to know them. You could equally know someone for years and they are okay, you have a lot in common, but they bore the pants off you and not in a good way. The ‘long term’ person is not your ideal mate.
Really either or neither could work out okay, it depends on the individuals of course. I only knew my first husband for six months before we were pretty well committed to each other. We were married for 17 years. It worked for a long time before it didn’t work.
What I meant by “ideal mate” was one that was based on your preconceived notions of desire, or what you think and/or thought would be best simply based off of your preconceived desires. I was leaving it open for interpretation if that may or may not be best for you.
@Bellatrix he proposed after we were dating a few months.
I just don’t think that most people actually know what they want. I think the list, the ideal person, I think it would be flawed. I also got the impression that you had to marry one or the other. Not, a year with your ideal person and then you get to bail if it sucks.
And I think what we want can change too @ANef_is_Enuf. What I want now is not what I wanted way back then. I still think if the person is my ‘ideal’ for me that would be about personality anyway. Personality and intellect would always supersede looks. So I think I would rather take a risk with them than coast with the person I know isn’t right for me.
Interesting question though @Paradox1.
I guess, to me I don’t read ‘ideal’ and ‘right for me’ as necessarily the same thing. Maybe I misunderstand the question.
@Paradox1 Thanks for the explanation.
Personally, I think I would be worried Guy#1 was too good to be true… and end up being turned off because of that. I’d also feel pressured (most likely) if I had to marry him in exactly a year.
As for Guy#2, the future with him would most likely feel too uncertain to me. I’m attracted to him, yet don’t want him? That doesn’t sound like a good match for either of us. Why would I want to marry that guy if I’d rather marry someone else? Why should he even want me if my heart is somewhere else?
No one is ideal forever. My tastes, needs, wants change. The ideal person at age 20 is not the same ideal person at age 40 or 60.
That person is going to age and change too. They may not be the ideal looks, hair, personality, when they are 40 no matter how perfect they are now.
Go for depth and personality with someone you really love – don’t make choices based on ephemral things like chest size and hair color.
There is no ideal mate. There is no perfect human being.
There only is the opportunity to learn how to deal with imperfection.
We should eliminate the word “perfect” from our vocabulary except when talking about math.
In the circumstances you describe, I’d go with the one I knew and was attracted to.
they are not your ideal choice for a spouse (if you could hand-pick someone), but they make you happy.
The second choice because you wrote they make you happy. That’s the trump card. Happiness trumps looks, personality, humor, wealthy, etc.
It seems I need to work on my question writing. I was trying to see what you felt was more important – the desire/notions of your perceived perfect mate or the history you share with someone who is clearly imperfect. Should your aim be for the “best catch” or the “tried and true”? Each may be for better or worse..
^^ In that case, I would prefer the tried and true. One sounds like it’s based on fantasy and the other sounds like it’s based on reality.
No question. The person I knew a year. That is way more than enough time to know if they are the right person for you. It’s enough time to feel sure you want to spend the rest of your life together. It’s enough time to have an overwhelming desire to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work.
And anyway, you never know the future for certain. If you wait for certainty, you’ll die alone.
@Paradox1 Thank you for your clarification. I stand by my original answer, though: we are very bad at choosing what is best for us, so my perceived perfect mate is unlikely to beat a tried and true good mate.
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