This is very hard. Your friend is lucky that you care. The most important thing, I believe, is to show her you love her. You love her no matter what (mostly). That is, you will stick with her through an awful lot.
Why do people cut? I know a number of people who cut, mostly because I tend to hand around with people with mental illnesses since I have one myself. As far as I can tell, we are all pretty much the same in terms of the pain we feel. Our responses are slightly different—some get manic; some get depressed, some cut, some do a lot of other things and there are even some who do it all.
I’m going to tell you about my pain, but I’m going to do it quickly, so it’s probably not going to sound like much. Trust me. This is the worst kind of pain you can feel. What your friend is feeling is that she is completely and utterly worthless and unloved and unlovable and ever worse, she doesn’t deserve to be loved because… well… I don’t know. That’s just the way it is. Maybe—most likely—her parents have helped her believe this in the way they treat her.
Being unlovable is a horrible kind of pain. The worst, really. But sometimes physical pain will make you forget your psychological pain for a while. It’s kind of cool, hurting yourself. I haven’t cut, but I’ve done… other stuff, and I can see where the desire comes from. It takes such control to cut yourself, and it is so intense—the whole process—and what that does is that it forces you to focus on the process of cutting. Which means you can’t feel the other pain during that time. Cutting is a relief from the real pain.
So think of cutting as a form of self-medication. Like other forms of self-medication—drugs and alcohol—it can be addictive and it isn’t really all that healthy, but it does serve a purpose and it does make people feel better, for a small amount of time. But you can’t cut all the time, and so in between, well, the other pain comes back and then you start wanting to do it again and… and…
Ok. That’s the story I tell. Like I say. It’s not my personal experience. I do other shit that I’m not going to talk about because I’m ashamed of it that is another form of self-injury. Weird. Usually I talk about everything. Oh well.
But underneath the cutting, it’s really the deep, endless, complete bottomless black pit of a sense of worthlessness and inability to be loved that makes most people completely despair.
When I was sick, I just wanted to be loved. But I never believed I was worthy of love. So even if people did love me, I pushed them away. No one was allowed to change my image of myself as being the absolutely bottom dregs of the universe, worthy only of lying in some granite curbed gutter that was filled with rotten fish. I swear I had a gutter all picked out up in the Bowery in NYC to go lie in. Unfortunately, they don’t allow the homeless to lie in gutters in the City any more.
So how do you love a person who doesn’t believe they are lovable? Well, like what @ANef_is_Enuf said about people wanting someone to tell on them, what I wanted was for someone to love me and to ignore all my attempts to push them away. Just ignore them. Just to show me that I was so wrong about myself, they didn’t even bother to acknowledge I was trying to push them away.
I wanted people to tell me they cared. Over and over and over. Of course, I couldn’t allow that, because it would be too needy and demanding and manipulative. I didn’t want to be someone who was manipulative, and I was a manipulative person, so that meant that every thing I did to open a door for someone to love me had to be slammed shut in their face because I’m a manipulative whoring asshole who doesn’t deserve to live.
The inner life of a crazy person is full of double thinking. You can’t give yourself a break. And I don’t know how many people are aware of all this stuff they do to trick themselves and manipulate themselves. When I talk about it, people often nod in agreement, but then, we’re the same. This is not something you can admit to someone who hasn’t been in this place.
And that’s the next thing I recommend. She could get great benefit from talking to other girls who cut. You need to talk to her like you know she cuts and it’s not an issue. Her denials are kind of like noise. Just not part of the conversation. Eventually she’ll understand that you can’t be put off. But then you can talk about feelings and just let her talk about her life. What’s going on. The real stuff. Not the pretend to be normal stuff.
You can give her information. There are groups of girls like her. There are doctors who know all about it. There are websites she can go to to read about it. You will talk to her and you won’t judge her. And urge her to talk to someone who might help. It could be her parents, and it would be nice if it is her parents. But parents don’t always want to listen and then you have to try elsewhere. Some other adult who can be trusted. Maybe the doctor. Someone.
I believe @ANef_is_Enuf that people want to be found out or have someone tell on them because I don’t think people really want to suffer. We know we can’t fix it ourselves, but we believe we have to. It’s just our own problem. So we can’t tell others, but if someone else does, it gives us an end run around our rules that we are too worthless for anyone to pay attention to us.
When you tell, you show her you think she’s worthwhile, and you show her you love her—even if she says otherwise. Eventually, she will come to understand (if she doesn’t already) how much love you have for her if you do that. But first, love her. Support her. Talk to her. Empathize with her. Educate her. Let her know that her suffering can be overcome. There are many sources of help. You want her to get some help, and you’ll help her get help.
You are a great friend!