What should I say to her?

Ask to take her and the kids to the movies.

Just keep being nice. Give it lots of time. Women who have been in abusive relationships can have a rough go of it on the next relationship. Be understanding. Know that (depending on how severe her experience), she may take quite a long time to recover.

Tell her the truth. Be upfront with her. Don’t try to manipulate the situation. If it works out, great. If not, you didn’t try to jerk her around. Honesty is the best policy.

Well, the advice to go slow is pretty good. She should not have introduced you to her kids until she sees if you are going to become part of her life. They have had enough trauma. My suggestion is the next step would be for the two of you to go out alone.

Dinner or just for coffee. Spend some time talking and getting to know one another. That would better than the physical at first.

So ask her out on a date.

Why not ask her out on a real date? Seems a little early to be seeking the kids’ approval. If she says no, then tell her she’s on your mind a lot and you are interested in exploring what might be possible between you. If she’s of a like mind then the details can sort themselves out. If she says she doesn’t see you that way, then my advice would be to back off. Time (and being apart) might change her mind – or possibly yours.

Just ask if you can take her on a date.

Ask her to meet you for lunch. She can then decide if it is a real date or not, if she is gun shy you may not want to force the issue too much.

@WestRiverrat She has kids though, you can’t just take her alone, she doesn’t hold her own property with a proper babysitter. (I’m assuming where she is staying is a favor and doesn’t come with a full time babysitter)

@auhsojsa I assumed the kids were in school, my bad.

@ auhsojsa It is a favor but her cousin is a stay at home mom as well with two kids right now. So there is always 5 kids total in the house between the two of them. I am sure she wouldn’t mind watching the kids.

Ask for a date, man! If she really can’t work out the babysitting she will say, “I can’t work out the babysitting, but I really would like to see you.” Then she knows and you know and you can kiss and stuff like that.

@WestRiverrat The kids are not in school. One of them will be in next year.

The question should not be, “What should I say to her?” Rather, it should be, “What should I say to myself?”

She has 3 kids, all under 4 or 5. Are you prepared to take on that kind of responsibility? Can you afford it? When I say “afford it” I mean, mentally, physically, and monetarily. She is just out of a bad, abusive marriage and living at her cousin’s house. She’s clearly going through a rough patch in life. Are you prepared to take the whole package? Sorry, you don’t get to pick and choose.
If you are not prepared to be a real dad to those kids, don’t even get started. It is not fair to her, them, or you.
Believe me, she has thought long and hard about this already.

Too much baggage. Just my opinion.

To be honest, this lady has a lot of baggage and this is a tall order for you. Not exactly from the childrens standpoint, but about her ex…the wife beater. You know he is always going to be in the picture and if he has assaulted her, he will do the same to you.

My suggestion is to get yourself in good physical shape in order to protect her, the kids, and yourself.

Relatioinships get far more complicated when one or both partners come into the pairing with children already in hand. It’s good that her kids seem to like you. But will they like your forming a close relationship with their mother? Will they get jealous? Will they respect you as a step father with full parental responsibilities, or will one or more of them take the “You’re not the boss of me now.” attitude?

Having been in a prior abusive relationship, it is no surprise that she might withdraw when she senses the two of you are getting close and romance might be in the offing. She’s likely asking herself if this one will lead to one more abusive “asshole” or if this time she’ll finally get lucky. Chances are that in the early stages of her previous romance, if there were any signs the guy would turn out to be a monster, she didn’t pick up on the subtle clues. She’s probably pulling back because she fears she might be heading right back into a second act that’s a repeat of the first.

Next time you see her, ask. Tell her you really enjoyed her company when she was open and warm; and that sensing the change, you want to know what happened. Ask if it’s something you did, or just her natural reticence to jump into another relationship after being burned so badly in the previous one.

Also watch for subtle clues on your side as well. There are people who go from one relationship that’s abusive right to another; and who, even though they claim to hate abusive assholes, will eventually break up with anyone who isn’t one. Your own heart could get broken by someone who has such psychological difficulties. So proceed, but with care.

I’ve said all that to amplify a bit on the succinct warning that @saint issued. He may well be right.

If a relationship isn’t complicated by kids, it’ll be complicated by religion, or in-laws, or difference in libidos, or mental illness, or health problems, or job issues, or relationships with exes, or hoarding, or pets, or political beliefs….

Relationships. They’re complicated. Sometimes they work. But you got to get your feet wet to find out how deep the water is.