How do I process something like this ?

Did you go to the funeral or memorial service? What happened to the classmate who committed the crimes?

Nope. Sorry. Give yourself a break. There’s no way to process these things because they don’t make sense and you can’t make them make sense. Maybe you can learn to cope with the ambiguity and meaninglessness of it. Not everything has to make sense. It’s just nuts.

I think you can remember her, and as long as it isn’t making it difficult for you to do anything else, you can allow yourself to wonder about it for a little bit of time. But the instant you feel it sucking you into something more serious, let it go and turn your attention elsewhere. Do that quite consciously, as in “I’ve thought enough about that for now.”

These things take as long as they take. Sometimes you never come to grips with them. That’s ok. Just be gentle with yourself and turn yourself to other things when you find yourself just spiraling in and in for no purpose at all, really.

@bkcunningham yes, I did. To a memorial service, the funeral was private. He is now in jail. For 8 years. I’m really sorry for him too. He is the kind that you thought wouldn’t hurt a fly….
I’ll try to let it go. But sometimes I think that when I do, I’m behaving inapropriately. I know it’s silly and that everyone should grieve how they think it helps themselves, it’s just hard to think clearly about this, and I hate that.

It is very confusing and crazy when people die so young. It is like they left something unfinished. The tragedy of having someone you know cause them to leave this earth so early makes it twice as hard to comprehend. I think what you are feeling, even a year after the fact is perfectly normal. It is a reminder to you that life is fragile and people die and do horrible things. Death is part of life, unfortunately, and just feels uncomfortable and odd when you are just starting to live.

Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal though. Have you tried expressing your feelings by writing about it or talking to someone close to you or some other creative thing that you have within youself to express your deepest feelings?

I feel like I talk about it a lot, and it does help. I’m still close to my other classmates, and we talk about it when we meet. I don’t know if visiting him in prison might be a way to help him and maybe understand some more…some people from our class have done that..but maybe prison is too much for me and I would wind up in a mess ? I talk to my family too, but I have the feeling everything has been said and the conversations get boring for them because they weren’t close with them of course..

What were the circumstances surrounding your girlfriends murder?

I lost two classmates to a murder-suicide love pact.

I dealt with it by accepting that it wasn’t the most fucked up thing I had seen, and that I would almost definitely see worse before I died. The realization that the world is a bigger place than I can see and that time exists both before and after the present helped put things in perspective and realize that, while tragic, it is also a fact. I have no problem accepting that the sky is blue, or that it snowed earlier this week, and those are also facts.

That said, we all react to grief differently. What worked for me or anybody else may not work for you.

The biggest problem was jealousy.Who would’ve thought. He was in love with her and thought she was in love with him. That evening they were staying at her house, she thought it was platonic, he didn’t and somehow checked her phone, finding a memo saying “I love C.” . This wasn’t him, obviously. They were fighting and then he just got too angry. This is what the media said. And some things they said were clearly wrong.
I know about her that she sometimes lead boys on, and maybe this happened there too.
Also, on other levels last year was not a great one, which doesn’t/didn’t help.

Why would you want to visit him in prison, @scuniper? I mean, from what little I know from what you said, he murdered someone in a fit of rage. If you were my daugher or friend, I wouldn’t want you to befriend him.. Please don’t take that to be offensive or nasty toward you. I think there may be more to this than you are letting out. What do you mean on other levels, last year was not a great one? Something else going on in your life that is making you dwell on the past and negative things?

Having difficulty processing such an awful situation involving people you know seems perfectly normal to me @scuniper. Firstly, you are grieving but secondly, the nature of their deaths is quite awful and disturbing. You are probably suffering from some level of post traumatic stress. Even though you weren’t personally involved, the situation was very close to you. Unless you were very close to the boy, I don’t know if visiting him in prison would help you. I would be cautious about that.

Did the school not offer you any grief counselling? Have you talked to your parents about how you are feeling? I seem to be saying ‘seek professional help’ a lot today but honestly, having someone outside the situation to talk to, so you can get those feelings out and learn some coping mechanisms, can help. I think sometimes, especially with grief and trauma situations, we can get into a bit of a loop. We just go round and round and don’t get passed a particular point. As a first step, if you are still at school or at college, see if they have a counsellor and if that doesn’t help, perhaps try to find someone yourself.

Don’t be hard on yourself though. What you have experienced is heavy going and it is perfectly normal to be struggling with it.

@bkcunningham Not taking offense, I don’t like the idea of going there anyway. I’ve let his mother know how I feel about it, she will have told him. And last year was very…crazy. I’m 17, and my parents split up after 24 years of marriage…which unsettled us all, everything is unresolved, they still love each other, but my father is in what seems to be a midlifecrisis because his father died of early-onset Alzheimers at 60 years age. He thinks he has ten years or so left to live until he dies of Alzheimers, as this form can be passed on by genetics, or rather he thought, because we convinced him to take a neurological test. He doesn’t show signs. But who knows. So because of her messed-up marriage my mum is depressed and not there for me and my sisters. And then I began to stop visiting school, my own stupidity, failing classes, etc. And my boyfriend broke up with me to start a relationship with my friend.
@Bellatrix Maybe we aren’t close enough for this kind of thing. When she died, we were at different schools already, my old school had this shrine-like room for students, went there. I think his and her new school offered grief counselling. My parents know I think, but it’s hard to tell anyone properly because there is so much in my head concerning it. Like a data overload somehow. I think someone neutral to talk to is good, in situations where talking could help I always wish I had a therapist, as pictured in so many Hollywood movies, that would listen to me rambling. But there’s this feeling that they think your worries are easy to get over and that you embarass yourself. Feel a bit self-conscious about it.

I don’t think you can ever “get” why someone would do that.
It’s only been about four months since my friend was murdered. I’ll never understand why someone like him should have to die in such a brutal way.
All you can really do it understand that you won’t understand. Time is your best friend.

@AshLeigh I’m sorry for your loss :( I fear that one day I do understand, not why he did it, but what happened, and then have a really hard time as it all ’‘crashes down’’. I hope to process it without understanding…if that’s possible.

@scuniper, I suppose that sounds like a reasonable desire. It will come with time, and experience.

You’ve both been through a lot of emotional crap, girls. Maybe you can help each other. You’ll get through this. @scuniper, with everything else going on in your life with your parents, be very careful you aren’t looking for a distraction in the wrong place by dwelling on this horrible tragedy. Find something creative and healthy for yourself, physically and mentally, to help you get through this. Peace and blessings ladies.

Thanks everyone. :) Not a nice topic, and talking and writing to help.

@bkcunningham is right.
If you ever need to talk, I’m here, @scuniper

Same here

Good God, you want to visit someone in prison who murdered and sexually abused someone else you both knew? Are you crazy? Do you want this killer who is getting out in 8 years to focus on you next?

What are you thinking? He is dangerous. Stay as far away from him as possible.

I think this is/was a once in a lifetime mistake, and also that he will kill himself as soon as he gets out. He was suicidal before. And anyone can be dangerous, in my opinion.

@scuniper Anyone can be dangerous especially someone who has killed before. I would not bet my life that this was a once in a lifetime mistake.

You are deluding yourself.

I couldn’t see that if I was.
Of course I can’t grasp how he did this and how he flew into a rage. That is what this thread is about. And it was ruled by the judges as manslaughter, it’s not as though he had focused on her.

That’s awful! I think it’s just going to take time to get over the emotional scars and perhaps fear of trusting people again.

@scuniper It feels as if you are being deliberately dense. It doesn’t matter that he got manslaughter. He killed her. She is dead. She is no longer living because of his actions. She will never go to college, get married, have children, celebrate another birthday.

He then had sex with her corpse. That is disgusting.

Why would you want to have anything to do with someone who did those things?

He is not a nice guy.
He is not an emotionally balanced guy.

Why would you want him in your life just because you used to go to school with him?

You obviously didn’t really know him.

His acts were not the aberration. The aberration is that you still want to talk to him.

@marinelife I’m sorry, but I didn’t post this for a wake up call concerning my opinions. If you want to go on criticising, please try to think about the fact that I knew him for ten years and so, yes, I’m sure my opinions can be and can seem dense. But it’s not deliberate. I’ll just let you know now that I find your last comment pretty hurtful.

@scuniper I am sorry if your feelings were hurt. I am not trying to hurt you or criticize you, I am trying to save your life.

It is very dangerous for you to see this guy in prison. Prison is no place for a young woman.

Even if you knew him ten years, you did not really know the real him, did you? Would you have predicted that he would kill a girl and sexually assault her corpse?

@marinelife never mind, not so sensitive normally. I know. My problem was that I felt obligated to go. I guess it’s peer pressure, because others went to visit him. Actually, I need other people’s opinions on this. The reasons not to go given here by many users can maybe stop me from thinking this way. And you are right, it’s not the right place, I already hate the sole idea of walking into a prison. Ah, well, I can’t help him anyway, that’s just what I need to remember…

@scuniper Yes, remember that, He is beyond your help. He has killed. If others jumped off a cliff would you feel obligated to do it too? You need to stand up for yourself here and do what is right for you.

You didn’t just use the “jump off the cliff” motherism technique, did you @marinelife? lol

I felt a little manipulated by that, to be honest ;D

@scuniper It was merely to counteract the peer pressure you said that you were feeling. Peer pressure is no reason to do something you inner voice is telling you not to do.

@marinelife Just kidding about that, and as it is just the kind of thing my mother would say, it did have the impact I suspect you were aiming for. I wasn’t judging your method, only reacting to bckunningham’s comment.