How do you not get your ass handed to you when making crepes?

you need a very nice non-stick pan and a very thin spatula.

The batter should have the consistency of very heavy cream that will spread easily when you tilt the pan. The pan should be fairly hot. Turn them when the center is still wet looking. The center will cook when you turn them over and the rest will already be cooked. A non-stick pan will work, but the heat needed may ruin the pan surface (at least that’s my experience. I understand the newer non-stick work better now. A seasoned iron pan works well too.

My reliable recipe is 1–1-1
1 cup of flour
1 cup of milk
1 egg
and a pinch of salt
Use a properly sized ladle to place the batter quickly in the center of a hot lightly buttered cast iron frying pan, tilt 360 degrees to spread it. I don’t like nonstick pans for crepes.

Hahaha, great question, great title.
Well the right recipe helps. I like Moosewood’s crêpe recipe, the simple non-savory ones. It’s really about not putting to much batter down, spreading it evenly about the pan. Also, loads of butter… About 1/8 or ¼ tbs of butter per crêpe I’d say. Don’t measure though, just use a “healthy” portion, put ‘er down and let ‘er rip. Then it’s like 30 seconds or less on high heat for each side. Use a wide non-metal spatula you like or if you’re awesome just flip them in the pan like a badass. Example, recommended on mute. Or this.

This link may help too, I only gave it a cursory look though.

I don’t know why but I’ve always found crêpes easier to make than pancakes, I’m a weirdo like that.

You probably don’t want to buy a special crepe-maker. But you should still watch this short video, that totally explains why restaurants do it so well.

The batter has to be thin. Most of the good chefs spread it by tilting the pan. That’s pretty thin.

As everyone else has mentioned, half the battle is getting the consistency of the batter right. You can’t just have faith in the recipe, because there’s a good chance that the author used a different flour than you will, and it will absorb liquid differently.

The batter thickens as it stands, because the flour continues to soak up water (this is why recipes want you to let the batter stand for an hour or so; the flour granules need to be well hydrated). The batter may look alarmingly thin at the time of the mix, but be nice and creamy an hour later, or you may find that it has thickened too much and you need to add a bit more liquid.

Also important is to learn the exact amount of batter required to coat your pan. This takes trial and error. Find yourself some implement that will consistently deliver the exact dose to cover the pan when you swirl it, with no excess. Better to have the occasional small gap that you quickly paint in with a wooden spoon than to have excess batter.

Get your swirl technique down pat so you don’t waste time. As soon as the batter hits that hot pan it thickens radically, so the window for swirling the batter while it’s still liquid is quite small. Pour the batter into the pan about halfway between the center of the pan and the edge farthest from the handle. then immediately pick the pan up and tilt/swirl it so that the batter flows clockwise all around the pan and joins up with the original landing spot.

I also find that the first couple of crepes always look like crap, no matter what. Count on them being wasters.

I used to have a boyfriend that made the best crepes (part of one of his benefits as a boyfriend!) and he used a blender to blend the batter.

Thanks for all the advice. It sounds like I need to wait until I obtain a viable pan and spatula before I give it another go, but I will definitely be relying heavily on your pointers for the rematch.