Do you compromise a lot in your marriage?

Absolutely not. I can’t even think of anything that I’ve compromised on. Don’t identify with the two genders you mention.

Oh, hell no.
– What, dear?
Yes. I mean yes, I do.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Oh, haha, I just edited to make sure I acknowledged gay couples, but did not even think that I might offend or exclude people who do not identify male or female. No offense intended of course.

Yes. During the day the thermostat is set to 64F (18C). Believe me, that is a huge compromise.

I do. I’d have to ask him how much he felt he had compromised. But I won’t. It isn’t an issue.

@JLeslie None taken, of course :)

Like @Sunny2 I compromise, but don’t feel like he does. Of course, if you ask him, he does and he isn’t sure I do!

I don’t think either one of us compromises a lot.

Not really.

Sure, there are disagreements over how to go about things, but for the most part we have both learned:

1) Don’t sweat the small stuff.

and

2) It’s all small stuff.

Oh yeah, every bloody single time I bite into the wife’s roast dinners….food poisoning or a pan bounced across my bonce?

Most certainly yes. I don’t see how any healthy relationship works without compromise.

Compromise is a transparent byproduct of love and respect.
It does not feel like a significant part of our life together.

Yes, I think we compromise all the time. We wouldn’t have made it to 24 years of marriage without a willingness for us both to compromise.

I rarely compromise, I rarely need to in my marriage. I wonder how my husband would answer? I would hate to feel like I was compromising all the time.

There has not been one single day in my life where I have not compromised on something. I think I compromise less with my husband than I do with my children and siblings. We have always had common goals.

The only sticky point right now is my hubby wants to move. I don’t because that would mean we’d have to take on more debt and I’d have to resettle my sister, which is a monumental job. So, for now, we are staying put.

I feel I compromise a decent amount but it’s over smaller stuff. I feel my husband also compromises a decent amount, again it’s the smaller stuff. We both agree we are thrilled not to have to compromise our most important values, needs or life goals. I don’t feel cheated when I compromise, sometimes mildly irritated is all; I don’t like pet hair/smells anywhere near as much as he does.~

Apparently not enough.

Not much, really.

I think after a certain number of years you just get so in sync, that you both don’t need to ask each other about the important things. You just both agree. But sure you have to learn to compromise and keep the peace. If you fought over ever little thing you won’t last as a couple. But its compromising when you can and giving in when its more important to the other person and standing firm when its really important to you and the other person really doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
After 30 years, I really don’t keep track.

Yes, every day – but I don’t see compromise as a negative. Like @downtide, @Dr_Lawrence, and @SpatzieLover, it’s always been a natural part of any long-term, close relationship to me (romantic or otherwise).

I mean we cohabitate, we commingle, we coexist, we copulate, we cooperate..why not compromise??

I mean we cohabitate, we commingle, we coexist, we copulate, we cooperate..why not compromise?? @cprevite How kooky…I mean cookie, of you ;)

I suppose so. It isn’t readily apparent when it happens, things just seem to work themselves out.

I disagree that compromising means finding a course of action that makes neither party happy. Compromise is finding a solution, and in this context I think that means finding a course of action that makes both parties happy. In that regard, I think all successful couples compromise.

No, I don’t and I don’t think my husband does either. Obviously, there are going to be times when we have different ideas about something and so we reach a compromise, but it is very rare. I can’t actually remember the last time we had such a situation.

In my first marriage, I compromised all the time, over things large and small. It was something I resigned myself to, early on, as we were both very strong willed individuals. If we were going to make it, I thought, I had to compromise or outright defer to him unless it was really important to me. I, um, don’t recommend this. No matter how much you love someone, constant compromise feels like a bit of a battle.

Not wanting to compromise all the time was the major reason I didn’t want to get married again, ever. I thought it was a given in any serious romantic relationship, and I was not going down that road again. It turns out, I was wrong. It’s not a given, if you marry the right kind of person for you. I mean, yes, my second husband and I do compromise sometimes, but it’s usually just trivial stuff that doesn’t really matter. Like what to eat for dinner or what movie we watch this time. That kind of compromise doesn’t bother me at all.

I think we compromise all the time. Like @SavoirFaire, I think it’s what any successful relationship does, whether it’s a marriage or a friendship or whatever. Compromising is about arriving at solutions to problems.

Now the trick here is to approach a problem without a solution in mind. We present the problem to each other, and then we work on it together. We build up to a compromise solutions that takes advantage of both our talents or skills or expertise.

If you start with a solution when you present a problem, then you lock out the other person from being included in the solution. You say, “we have a problem. Here’s what we’re going to do.” Then, if the other person has any other ideas, they have to knock you down in order to have a say, and that is bad, psychologically.

Sometimes, though you have different goals. Then you have to compromise on goals, and that often involves a win-lose resolution or a split-good compromise. The first being no compromise at all, of course.

I suspect a lot of people think that it is the first situation where compromise occurs. One or the other of you can win it all or you can split the good somehow, but no matter how it comes out, someone is giving something away to the other. Some people refuse to compromise that way. They see it as giving up too much of their ego or pride or righteousness.

I think that if you learn to work on problems by building on strengths, you’ll end up diminishing to times when you have win/lose situations. You’ll start to see the world differently. More creatively. You’ll look for opportunities to expand the pie instead of just working on splitting up the pie. I believe that if you learn those kinds of skills, you’ll have an easier time getting what you want out of your marriage. Both of you will get more of what you want.

And it doesn’t have to be a marriage. This principle works in any kind of relationship. It works in parenting and in business and in friendships.

So frankly, I think this kind of thing has little to do with gender. Sure, if you get down to pride being at stake, then I’ll bet women cave more than men do, on average. But I think you’ve lost a lot already if you get to win/lose solutions in a primary relationship.

I’m thinking the answers depend on how someone defines compromise, and the situations they are thinking about while answering. @wundayatta brought up a good point. When my husband and I work on a solution to a problem or situation together, I don’t feel like we compromised usually. I feel like I compromised when there was something specific I wanted to do, and had to give up some of it to accomodate what my husband wants to do. That we had conflicting desires or goals, and the resolution meant one or both of us did not get everything we wanted.

I also agree with @augustlan that being very similar, marrying the “right” person, helps greatly reduce disagreement and the need for compromise.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir does anyone compromise or have you always happened to agree on everything?

We tend to try to consult. For us consultation usually means each of us compromises a little and doesn’t feel compromised in the process.

I think couples can come to a compromise in a tactful loving way so that they each hardly realises that they have compromised. This is how my first marriage began.

Actually, compromise is the reason a marriage can NEVER be truly 50/50. I wouldn’t want mine to be that way! For a marriage to work I think it needs to be 60/40 AND also 40/60, with neither party always giving 60% and the other always giving 40%. Isn’t that the true meaning of compromise?