Is being passive aggressive a survival tactic?

I have a very hard time dealing with passive aggressives, I think it is horrific. I guess it is a survival tactic in some families, but generally it means there is very poor communication in a relationship. Things are not discussed, anger seethes below the surface, people have no idea how to modify their own behavior to not aggravate the other, no one knows what is emptionally behind bad feelings, it is really bad.

But, if the people around you are all passive aggressive, and react very badly to outward displays of anger, avoid confrontation, and hate to discuss anything, what choice to you have but to be passive aggressive yourself? I guess in that way it is a survival tactic.

Passive-aggressive behavior is a negative personality trait. I don’t think it is a survival mechanism.

Yeah, that’s the big psychological theory, it’s a survival strategy of the subordinate (or those who feel subordinate). The problem is that it lets you survive, but it doesn’t really let you get beyond that survival point and on into doing ok or even flourishing.

I wouldn’t call it a survival tactic, but it can be a manipulation tactic.

It is lazy. Sort of like when someone can’t be bothered to really sort out their own feelings and put them into words, or they have given up on a situation and just do what takes the least amount of effort. It is pure laziness.

In a situation where one is unempowered to do something more direct about some problem/issue the helplessness is the underlying reason/excuse/rationalization for not being sympathetic. Otherwise rude or withholding or difficult or compromising behavior can seem justified in protest of something.

In some oppressive situations (e.g. nation under siege) being passive-aggressive is about the best you can to do assert your will, and being passive-aggressive keeps you under the radar of outright hostility. That’s a survival skill if executed with finessed boundaries.The target oppressor pays gets less for whatever their paying, which might be the minimum resources necessary to keep a prisoner alive.

But there seem to be situations where the garden variety passive-aggressive feels compelled (along with feeling justified) by the bother of dealing with something they don’t care about. They’ll be as difficult as possible. Instead of being pleasant or kind anyway, they seem determined to make known with a kind of contempt how much their target is an unnecessary nuisance – and just not be respectful or helpful. <- Not a survival skill.

In significant-other relationships, the reason can be not knowing what’s really bugging the PA, or not knowing how to bring it up constructively. Or retaliation. Or just plain meanness.

Passive aggressive is a social description for behaviour which is neither here nor there. It is in an action context like agnosicism is in an intellectual context. It is a non committment to anything. It is the mark of a loser, IMHO.

I had more problems dealing with my one passive/aggressive child than I did with all the other four put together. I would say that it’s a type of coping behavior, but not very effective.

It may well be, but it’s not a very good one.

I would not call it a survival tactic so much as a form of combat. It is a poor choice if there are more direct negotiation alternatives available. There are cases where being passive aggressive is a reasonable option, such as the civil disobedience of Gandhi and Martin Luther King.

No, it’s anti-social behavior.

No. It’s a learned behavior indicative of dysfunctional communication skills. It is also the absolute most destructive method of non-communication. I let go of a PA “friend” a year ago…and I refuse to deal with their behaviors. Gah! Nothing worse, nothing! Bah…I am a direct, non-game playing personality and seriously, if ever I was capable of murder, it would be a passive aggressive personality that I’d choke the life out of. lol

@auhsojsa I’m curious why you ask? Are you accused of being passive aggressive? Do you have someine in your life that is, and want to better understand them? Or, just interested in the topic?

No. It’s counter-productive behavior.

I understand why some people do this, my mom included, but I can’t comprehend wy they don’t stop it.

@Coloma and @lonelydragon have some very good points.

I’ve seen it most in close personal relationships but it can also be between casual acquaintances or even with co-workers.

My experience it is all about control and manipulation. I’ve done it myself (I grew up with it, it’s what I know) when I am feeling not in control, being bullied or that I am being manipulated.

One odd example, asking my mother a question, like, “I want to borrow the car to go>>>” and her response would be “strawberries” or some dumb thing. She doesn’t want me to go, so I get weird answers in hopes I will just stop asking and go away.

Another, wanting something from/with another, and when I brought it up, being told that we were going to, but since I did such N such, we aren’t going to do it. Like a parent telling a child after the fact that they can’t have what they want because two hours/two days ago they did something wrong. Course, you never know what or when, just that it was offensive or wrong. (Sound crazy? Me too.)

And some times I can do it or experience it and not realize it until afterward. I can’t give a perfect example, but it happens when you manipulate an outcome to your advantage vs. being upfront with the other person.

I can tell you I hate when it is done to me and I feel bad when I do it to others. (Just one of many reasons I try my hardest to: not have close or best friends, or date and get married.

@SpatzieLover I think they don’t stop because they may not realize they are doing it. I know that sounds crazy, but some people are just not aware. Plus, they say shi** rolls down hill, its kinda the same with passive agressive’s – it’s just happened to them so they go do it to the next person they deal with in order to feel in control of that situation because they weren’t in the situation prior.

Yes @redhen4 I agree.

Here is a funny take on Passive Agressive Behavior

I particularly think step 2 is apropos: “never let a PAP know that they are bothering you…__they are passive aggressive is because they fear confrontation. A confrontation will cause the PAP to stop listening

I have found that^ to be true IRL.

My favorite. www.passiveaggressivenotes.com :-/

It’s someone’s idea of that .. but it’s really just like putting a bandaid on an infected wound. It’s only temporary and the problem is still there festering away.