NSFW? Give me your best dead baby joke.
Asked by
AshLeigh (
16340
)
February 29th, 2012
Dead baby jokes are my favorite. It’s twisted, but I love them. :D
Tell me your favorites(:
Example:
What’s more disgusting than a pile of dead babies?
The live one at the bottom chewing his way out.
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109 Answers
What’s blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands.
What do you get when you dislocate a dead baby’s jaw?
Deep Throat.
@ragingloli, OH MY GOSH. LAWL!!!
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
I’m so happy Fluther has a social section for this. Way to go Fluther! This is the best.~
I have consulted Uncyclopedia to see what Oscar Wilde had to say on the subject.
“Whats harder than nailing a dead baby to a wall? My dick while I do it.”
– Oscar Wilde
What’s worse than a baby nailed to a tree?
A baby nailed to ten trees. :)
what’s cuter than a dead baby?
5 dead babies
what’s cuter than 5 dead babies?
5 dead babies stapled to 5 bunnies
How did the dead baby cross the street?
Well, it was alive until I hit it with my car
How long does it take to load 500 dead babies in the back of a pick up?
I don’t know, are you using a pitch fork?
If you’re at a party with a baby that won’t stop crying, how do you get it to be quiet?
Find a blender and serve up fresh salsa to go with the chips
What’s tastier than a freshly picked apple?
A freshly hung baby
Sorry, had a real baby in my life pass away. Don’t understand the appeal of these jokes : (
@Kardamom sorry to hear that (((hugs))) I watched my mom go through 3 miscarriages in a row, she was so… heartbroken to say the least
but she does blame me for her first miscarriage saying that it’s my fault that I consumed too much nutrition and pretty much damned the one that could have been her daughter to an untimely death
@Kardamom these jokes, like most others, are based on tension and release.
A baby passing away is one of the most horrible things imaginable. I am sorry that happened to you.
That is the basis of the joke. It introduces the tension of the most horrible thing imaginable and tries to make light of it, providing a psychological release.
um, wow. this convo has taken quite the turn. yikes!
Come on all you Herods….. no more???!!!!!!!
Whats blue and wriggles?
a baby in a plastic bag
Whats green and doesn’t?
The same baby 6 weeks later
The worst/best one I can think of is along the lines of @fundevogel‘s:
What do you get when you put a dead baby in a blender?
I don’t know about you, but I get an erection.
What’s the difference between a truckload of sand and a truckload of babies?
You can’t load the sand with a pitchfork.
Why did the dead baby cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken.
Good heavens! I have never heard of dead baby jokes.
What’s small, cuddly, and silver all over?
A dead baby wrapped in duct tape.
Thought of another really good/bad one:
What do you call a dead baby crawling up your leg?
A homesick abortion.
@amujinx Now that takes sick to a whole other level. LMAO, but that’s bad.
What’s the difference dead between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes baby your whole week.
What’s funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!
What do you call a dead baby, a rat, 6 week old bread and a gherkin?
A Big Mac.
Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork?
So you can tell which ones are still alive.
Just wonder if the moderators would remove jokes against Muslims, Christians, Jews, black people, white people, atheists, or any other group? If so, why are they worse than dead baby jokes? If not, at least they’d be consistent. I am not particularly offended by these, but I know plenty of people who would be. What makes one kind of offense worse than another? Just wondering….....................
@Harold I’m guessing it’s a matter of hate speech. Racial hate speech is a thing…baby hate speech? I’m not aware of any destructive baby-hating demographic lurking just under the surface of society.
@Harold, I think everyone is taking this too seriously. Jokes are jokes. If you don’t like them, no one forced you to participate in this thread…
This is an inside joke story.
Back in high school, when I was on the wrestling team, we had one heavyweight wrestler GAIN weight during one practice. Figuring how he always went over to his gym bag during the water breaks (and how it smelled), we figured he must have been munching on dead babies to “keep his energy level up.” From then on, he was always the butt of dead baby + weight jokes.
@AshLeigh – You have completely missed the point. I actually said it doesn’t bother me too much. My questions was whether people see this type of potentially offensive joke as different to any other type.
@Harold We have had threads for tasteless jokes that included every type of joke you mentioned above, and they’ve gone quite well without much offense being taken.
How do you make a baby cry a second time?
Wipe your bloody dick all over its favorite plushie.
What’s the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?
I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
@SavoirFaire – Well, I am pleased to hear that there is no discrimination here. Funny how I have had far less offensive things removed. My point is that the moderators are too involved to be independent.
Do you people have any sense of decency?
How the hell is a dead baby a source of amusement (or for some of you, a pile of unburied dead babies)?? No corpse is ever funny, and I have to question the sanity (let alone the morality) of anyone who laughs at or repeats any of these posts.
After reading some of these, I suddenly understand war crimes. If you can believe that phrases about dead babies can be funny, then filling mass graves with people identified only by numbers must be nothing. Why not conduct some medical experiments while you’re at it?
I am honestly very disappointed to see some people here contributing who I once thought to be decent people. Please, take a good hard look at this thread again, and ask yourselves what ever possessed you to crack a smile at some of the most disgusting phrases our language can express.
I have no decency.
I don’t actually think dead babies would be funny. I get upset if I see roadkill. I don’t think I could handle a dead baby.. But I get a kick out of the messed up things people come up with.
Welcome to Ashland. Home of the twisted, and obnoxiously rude.
@FireMadeFlesh The title of the thread tells you what the content is going to be. So, if you are a person who does not find the humor in these types of jokes (and the reason the jokes work was explained very well by @Imadethisupwithnoforethought earlier in the thread) and you already know that the content inside will contain subject matter you find offensive, why are you deciding to read the thread and judging those who have contributed?
Your insinuation that dead baby jokes lead to war crimes is ridiculous by the way. I know quite a few people who like dead baby jokes who are very much like @AshLeigh and cannot stand seeing actual death. Making light of very serious issues is very much a staple of comedy, and while dead babies is certainly darker than political humor, the humor of the jokes works on the same principles.
I can certainly understand why some people don’t like these jokes. It works because it is hypothetical, and if you have had a real occurrence of a dead baby in their life will kill the hypothetical part for them, and make it too real. Some people just don’t like overly dark humor. Judging people because they like humor that’s darker than your tastes and with punchlines that rely heavily on shock doesn’t make you a more decent person or them a less decent person (and decency is very subjective anyway). It just makes you different with different tastes.
@Harold Context is important. There’s a difference between posting an offensive joke on an offensive joke thread and calling someone an offensive term during the course of an argument. If you really think the two are comparable, that might explain why some of your posts have been removed.
I’m not quite sure I understand your claim about the moderators.
This thread reminded me how long it’s been since I’ve eaten a Dutch baby. Guess what I’ve just put in the oven.
omnomnom.
@Symbeline It was so good with a bit of jam on top.
SavoirFaire – Of course context is important. I don’t make a habit of posting offensive anything. I have never called anyone anything offensive on here. One case I am referring to is where Oprah Winfrey made a very offensive comment (relating to a dead baby by the way) when she was visiting Australia, and I asked a question something along the lines of “How would she like it if someone referred to her as a n&&!$ (playing it safe here….). This was removed because of the apparent offensiveness of the “n” word, and I wasn’t even directly calling her that. My point is that the moderators pick and choose what they find offensive. Moderators should be independent, and not contributors, so they they are not prejudiced or biased in what they moderate.
@AshLeigh @amujinx @ragingloli Some years back, there was a comedy show here in Australia called The Chaser’s War on Everything. They tread the fine line as a matter of habit, taking a Trojan horse to the Turkish embassy, seeing pictures of the Virgin Mary in a turd, etc. However the show sharply lost popularity and was taken off air when they made this, which the majority of people found distasteful. This thread reminds me of that video. It is beyond me how anyone can find any of this amusing, without some sadistic taste for other people’s pain.
For those who say I should avoid this thread if I find it offensive, should I turn a blind eye to everything I find unethical? In the example of the video above, should I ignore ‘humour’ aimed at a valuable charity because I happen not to think it is funny?
“Why don’t you have this stick instead”. I found that hilarious.
@FireMadeFlesh Ultimately this is an issue of taste. As much as you might claim such jokes are unethical the only danger they pose to anyone is offense. And as we all know, taste and capacity for offense varies wildly. As much as you might cherish your own taste over ours your taste is no more valid than ours and you certainly can’t expect society at large to conform to anyone one person or group of people’s taste. That’s how you end up with blasphemy laws and give freedom of speech the boot.
I’d rather be offended than have other people rule my tongue.
@FireMadeFlesh “For those who say I should avoid this thread if I find it offensive, should I turn a blind eye to everything I find unethical?”
It depends. For example, @Kardamom earlier in the thread came in the thread also, and said that she didn’t understand the appeal of these jokes, and a few people explained it. What she didn’t do is start posting about how those of us telling dead baby jokes have “no sense of decency” and start questioning or morality or sanity. I have no problem if you want to come in and say you don’t understand the appeal of this type of humor, but when you come into a thread and start to be judgmental instead of even making the slightest attempt at understanding, then yes, I will say you don’t belong here.
I though the Chaser’s War on Everything video is funny by the way, but it is definitely too dark for public television. Excessively dark comedy is a very niche audience thing.
As the video @ragingloli posted stated at the beginning, offense is not given, it is taken. So stop taking our offense and give it back, we might need it later. I guess we could let you borrow it if you ask nicely though.
@Harold There are certain words that are not allowed on Fluther under almost any circumstances. They typically come with an instant ban as well. The word you used is one of them, so that is why your post was removed. It isn’t a question of picking and choosing, but rather the opposite: that’s one of the absolute rules laid down long ago.
As for moderators not being contributors, I think that’s a terrible idea. Moderators are chosen for their ability to be objective despite being involved in the site. Moreover, involvement is an important quality for moderators to have. It makes them aware of how the site works in a way that a finite set of abstract rules for moderation never could.
@fundevogel Quite so, thus the “almost.” We also tend to forgo the instant ban when we know that the usage was not meant as hate speech, which is why @Harold is still with us.
@AshLeigh thank you for trying to bring some fun
Does anyone know any good dead African American jokes?
@Pisces, not the same thing as a dead baby joke. Nice try, though.
Ed, That’s not nearly the same thing. Haha. XD
Though the tasteless jokes thread did have a lot of lynching jokes. And no one complained about them.
I’d say that babies are basically an age-related group, so that jokes about teenagers and us elderly types are analogous.
Who’s middle-age man’s father? Retired man.
Who’s retired man’s father? Dead man.
If it weren’t for Viagra, could people in their sixties really be called sexagenarians?
Here’s one that totally doesn’t represent my beliefs and offends more than one group: What’s the best thing about dead babies? They’re all atheists!
@fundevogel @amujinx I would not want to limit free speech in any way, and I would defend the right of people to say whatever disgusting things they like if anyone did try to ban it. However that bears no relation to the fact that these ‘jokes’ are sick. I read the justifications for them before I posted, so I felt no need to get you to explain again why you think they are funny. Those justifications are the lame bleatings of cognitive dissonance – if it ever entered your minds that maybe this is sick, then you couldn’t bear the idea that you may be engaging in unethical behaviour, and so mount a pathetic appeal to taste in response. I imagine you would defend snuff films as being a matter of taste?
@FireMadeFlesh “Those justifications are the lame bleatings of cognitive dissonance – if it ever entered your minds that maybe this is sick, then you couldn’t bear the idea that you may be engaging in unethical behaviour, and so mount a pathetic appeal to taste in response.”
Well of course we know they’re sick. That’s the point. You couldn’t have a dead baby joke that wasn’t sick. And do tell me precisely what is unethical about indulging in crass humor. Really. I want an itemized list.
“I imagine you would defend snuff films as being a matter of taste?”
Doesn’t every one? No seriously, how is telling a crass joke analogous to supporting commercialized murder? No actual babies were hurt in the telling of these jokes. Duh. That would be a total buzz kill.
Dead baby jokes (or nazi jokes, rape jokes, hun jokes, wiking jokes, general sex jokes, etc.) would not be funny if they we did not know they were sick.
And if you want to single out snuff films, you must also necessarily condem every horror movie, every war movie, every movie containing violence, every violent video game, every violent sport, or hunting, because those things are sick as well.
I wonder at how many of those you do not even bat an eyelid.
Tell us please, so we can cast judgement and condemnation upon you as well.
Btw, the best way to start a speech at an abused children charity event is with an apology.
“I’m sorry, though I don’t see what all the fuss is about.”
I expected an argument, upon asking this question. I didn’t expect it to be so ridiculous.
We know it’s sick. I clearly stated the fact in the details. If you don’t like them, we’re not forcing you to read this thread.
I did not ask for your opinion on the jokes. I asked for the jokes themselves.
Thanks for not answering my question. ;)
‘kay thanks, bye.
@ragingloli “And if you want to single out snuff films, you must also necessarily condem every horror movie, every war movie, every movie containing violence, every violent video game, every violent sport, or hunting, because those things are sick as well.”
Actually snuff films are a league apart from any entertainment today. In a snuff film the violence, and possibly death, is authentic. There have been urban legends about snuff films being made for profit, but so far the only films of such things have been made by criminals for their personal satisfaction. A snuff film would be the equivalent of a day at the Roman Colosseum. There just isn’t a modern equivalent.
@fundevogel There was this vid running round the net a while back, called three guys one hammer. Sick shit. I’d rather tell dead baby jokes.
@Symbeline Me too. Realistic violence disturbs me, I like my gore ridiculous.
@AshLeigh If you don’t like them, we’re not forcing you to read this thread.
Oh, if only people liberally applied this principle to nearly everything.
@Symbeline I watched that video. Well, a small part of it at least. I’m usually pretty good at watching rather twisted things without batting an eye, but that was completely fucked.
That’s part of the whole issue though. We can separate a fictional joke from reality. The fact that all of us who can tell these jokes are disturbed by that video of real violence shows that. I’m assuming that @FireMadeFlesh has more of an issue figuring the two out (and I don’t mean intellectually, but emotionally and psychologically it can be more difficult for some people to separate them), and so we get to deal with judgement and comparing us to people who would defend watching snuff films. I wasn’t aware that the ability to discern fiction from reality could make one unethical though.
Since we haven’t had one in quite a few answers:
Why did the dead baby fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second dead baby fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first dead baby.
Why did the third dead baby fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
If a tree falls on a baby in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, is it still hilarious?
@AshLeigh Fuck yeah! Damn babies. XD
@amujinx Yeah, I watched it too, not pleasant at all. But you make a good point, and one that was illustrated in this tread a few times; separating fiction from reality. People gotta get at it.
With that said; what’s the difference between a lobster and a baby?
None, they both make noise when you drop em in boiling water. :D
What was pink and is now all red?
Yesterday’s Financial Times. Nothing to do with babies or razor blades.
How do you save a baby from drowning?
Get your foot off its head.
@FireMadeFlesh I am honestly very disappointed to see some people here contributing who I once thought to be decent people. I agree with you. I guess we must accept the dumbing down of Fluther. It’s here to stay. :/
Let it be known:
I am not decent people.
Carry on.
Seriously guys. I apologize if you’re offended.
But I’m getting sick of the arguments, and the insults. We don’t have the same sense of humor. Carry on.
@Symbeline, I’m not down. :) I am an eternal sunshine, with a sick and twisted way of entertainment. :D
And I like @fundevogel. She’s funny.
What made me mad was the “Dumbing down” comment, when I specifically remember sending a personal apology to @jonsblond right when she expressed that she was offended.
I am certainly not dumb. And if having fun is stupid, than fuck intellectualism.
@AshLeigh I share your sick and twisted way of entertainment. :) I don’t know any more dead baby jokes though…so I’ll just go kick some random baby. :D Cuz all babies deserve it. XD
@Symbeline, I know! Crying all the time…
Hey guys… What’s worse than the baby eating his way out of the pile of dead babies?
He went back for seconds. ;D
^
lmao XD
That sick mutha.
When I was a teenager there were lots of concentration camp jokes flying around. I could post some if anyone is interested. Just to keep it on topic, many of them feature dead babies.
^Again, not the same thing.
How many dead babies does it take to cover a tennis court? Depends how thin you slice them.
@jonsblond Why are you following this thread if it offends you so much?
Concentration camp jokes = semi-hate speech. Dead baby jokes – just plain sick. There’s a difference.
It’s time to raise the tone of this thread, and retell some of the best contributions in the form of Haikus, those beautiful verse forms from Japan.
Here is my reworking of @ragingloli‘s great effort:
Break the tiny jaw
pedo can have deep throat now
but don’t fret, it’s dead.
@AshLeigh take a chill pill. Opinions matter in discussions like these; I wasn’t intending to be offensive, just add to the thread.
@Pisces good show, i say, good show!
Fluther becomes so bitchy and personal at times, jeesh…
@JonnyCeltics I actually am pretty chill. I’m just getting annoyed that everyone thinks they need to come tell me how demented I am. I know I’m screwed up. The question was not about your opinion on dead baby jokes, and I certainly didn’t ask people if they think I’m a horrible person or not for liking them.
I asked for jokes, but apparently most of you can’t do that, so instead you tell me I’m bitchy, and twisted. Thanks for letting me know. :P
Imma try and cheer this thread up by attempting to make up my very own dead baby jokes. That’s as bad as a baby going back in a dumpster full of dead babies for seconds, right?
So here we go…making these up really fast…
How do you put a baby to sleep?
With a fuckin hammer, man.
If you find a baby in a garbage can, what should you do?
Leave it there.
What’s the difference between a dead baby and a zombie?
The zombie is something you actually want to pay attention to.
sorry, I’m such a horrible person
What could be interesting about making up your own dead baby jokes is how the jokes rely on shock for humor, you could make them into a shorter version of the Aristocrats joke in sick one-upmanship. For example, @Symbeline‘s joke about putting a baby to sleep could have many different punchlines (personally, I can’t top the shock of the hammer myself). With that thought in mind, feel free to give your own punchlines for my setup if you like:
What is the best use for a pile of dead babies?
Tie wings to their backs and use them as clay pigeons.
A track and field crash mat.
Competitive baby throwing (measured from where the baby stops bouncing, not initial impact).
To make coats for seals.
What is the worst part about cutting off a dead baby’s head?
It does not die again.
@AshLeigh I know you’re demented and twisted. That’s fine. I kind of like it. But what would Symbeline be classified as? She scares me, but I like it too.
What’s the best gift one can give a baby?
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A kitten.
@AshLeigh Nothing wrong with a little sick humor. Plus, with dead babies you save a ton on formula and diapers, not to mention sitters or daycare.
I just had another look at the Fluther guidelines :
“Responses must not be one-liners, jokes or chit-chat.”
Congratulations everyone. Over 100 responses so far, and apparently not a single one-liner or joke among them! ;-)
@Pisces Those are the guidelines for the General section. You’ll notice that this question is in Social.
@Pisces you’re really clawing for ways to shut this thread down, aren’t you? How about you just unfollow it if it bugs you that much?
@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard, hah. He’s not offended, trust me. He just has a strange sense of humor. I usually just smile and nod at whatever he says.
@Pisces…/Albert/Ed/Grandpa You’re a dork. XD
Ha yeah, that thread. I member that bitch.
Also I take back what I said; I don’t like babies. They suck. Fuck em. Fuck babies.
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