What constitues a [bleep NSFW] partner?

Don’t worry about it so much. When all is well and done, ask yourself if you enjoyed your time with them. That counts a lot more.

Eh, I don’t really put much stock into the did vs did not actually have sex dichotomy, or the specific number of people I’ve had sex with.

But, my personal definition is, if I could have gotten an STD from it, then yes. Because that’s really the only time in which it’s really necessary to figure out if we had sex or not. The rest of the time, it’s way more important to me to remember the people whom I cared about, emotionally, than the people I had sex with.

Consent is definitely not how I define it. Partly because I can totally get an STD and pregnant from rape, and partially because my definition of rape is non-consensual sex, so defining it as rape vs sex really doesn’t take into account the complexities of my feelings around rape, or the fact that a huge, giant amount of rapists will also at least once have consensual sex with their rapee.

Thanks, @Aethelflaed. That’s a good way of thinking about it.

You are counting trophies, right? There is more in life than a human trophy.

I think of this as a kind of mythic issue. What counts? What counts is what reaches the level of the myth of sex or intercourse. Oral sex or other things other than penetration don’t make it because they don’t reach the mythic level of sex. Sure, orgasms can be had and pleasure and emotions and everything, but you didn’t go all the way.

As @Aethelflaed suggests, “all the way” is symbolic because in addition to the possibility of creating new life, it can also destroy an old life—and/or give you diseases.

So it has to feel like it matches up to the myth—that amazing moment when someone actually enters you, or you enter them, in this profanely sacred place. You have to actually merge to reach that mythic place.

So, in my mind, if there is no penetration, you didn’t get there. But now you raise the issue of what happens if there is penetration, but it doesn’t last long enough for the import of it to reach the deep inner reaches of your mind. Still, that’s not my fault. 20 seconds is long enough. Did he thrust in all the way? Did you get filled up? If so, it would count for me.

The issue of rape… I don’t know. Clearly that’s unwanted. And yet, the physical act takes place. And yet, the myth is decidedly not achieved. It’s rape, for God’s sake! It doesn’t count for anything except rape!

I know this is in Social, but my motives for keeping count is not relevant to this question! No, keeping count does not matter in the slightest. No one’s throwing me a party, so let’s stick to the physical details, not the psychological ones! Thanks :)

Penetration. Even one thrust.

Penetration. Doesn’t matter if you wanted it, he couldn’t get it up, or he couldn’t cram it inside you.

If you’re using penetration as your benchmark, how does that fit with lesbian sex?

When I think of things like this, I phrase it as ‘sexual partner’ in my mind. As such, it counts partners with which something has been of a sexual nature, though not necessarily sex.

Go with this model if it helps.

Whatever you want. Really, it’s up to you. They’re your partners.

Gee….instead of fixating on notches in the belt and even moreso whether 20 seconds with limp dick counts. I would turn your attention to cultivating better “opportunities” with a partner that will make taking off your clothes more than worthwhile.

I’m thinking it sounds like a lot of drunk guys…..

‘Alcohol giveth the desire, but taketh away the ability.’ Bill S

@Cruiser, if you don’t have anything nice to say…

@nikipedia Please point out for me where in the rules here it says we HAVE to be nice??? This question did not specifically ask for “nice” answers….if it did I would not have answered because IMO drunken half attempts at making love do not beg “nice” opinions and if my honest opinion on this question is just too much for you, DONT READ IT!

I hope that over time you will keep track of joyful, emotionally meaningful sharing of genuine intimacy with sexual partners however you personally define them. Outside of such a determination for medical/legal (forensic) purposes, what should be important is which sexual experiences meaningfully count for you. What others say should or should not count seems of little relevance.

Just enjoy having sex and stop obsessing about the particulars. When one approaches sex in a methodical way, it ceases to be fun. It’s one of life’s greatest pleasures, and because life’s so short, you just got to enjoy it while you’re healthy enough to do so.

Generally I think penetration for any time slot. If it’s in it counts. That’s how I count mine anywho.

@fundevogel If you’re using penetration as your benchmark, how does that fit with lesbian sex? Thank you!!

@Aethelflaed Any time :)

@nikipedia Thanks for sticking up for me, pal. @Cruiser Does anything in life say you HAVE to be nice? Are you only nice when it’s a rule? You too, @jca, what’s the point of your answer?

Thank you to those of you who gave helpful answers! Questions like this are tricky in such a tight-knit community, and I’m glad that some people were able to contribute without judging the choices a fellow member makes. Way to go.

As for lesbian sex, that sounds like a great topic for a thread!

@sliceswiththings: It’s in Social (which is why I personally hate Social for when I ask a question but the rules are the rules) and in Social, as you know, anything goes. Point not needed.

@sliceswiththings I am sorry but I thought I provided an honest opinion to your question. I just don’t see where you or anyone would need to post a question such as this on a public forum! I mean can you not decide for yourself what constitutes a lay to satisfy your need to keep score? I know I would not count passing out 20 seconds into my efforts or visa versa. Your added descriptions did very little to validate or qualify your opening question other than illustrate your many failed attempts at sex, so all that is left to answer or offer opinion on was what constitutes a lay? So in my original answer I basically said none of those efforts IMO would even come close to being an intimate encounter worthy of recognition and I offered a suggestion to spend more time and effort into pursuing better quality partners and opportunities for higher quality and satisfying sexual encounters or why even bother?

@Cruiser The question might have been inspired by personal situations (as are most questions), but the question asked is one of the more basic, fundamental questions of the entire study of sexuality. For example, you’ll notice how it has been pointed out that going off of the traditional definition of penetration invisiblizes lesbians. This is actually a really great question.

@Aethelflaed I never said it wasn’t good question…but that said it is a question that is wide open to both interpretation and opinion whose main premise is “did I or didn’t I”. The only examples provided centered around penetration or lack thereof with obviously heavily inebriated individuals. That initself opens the door to more than a question of “did I or didn’t I” and that is where I directed my opinions on this question of whether drunken ½ attempts at sex qualify as a sexual experience. The OP qualified this question by stating…“the intention and consent was fully there to have sex” so as a member of this forum I merely offered my opinion of what I thought constitutes a mutual quality sexual experience and IMO 20 seconds of limp dick is hardly a sexual experience and more of castrophic event of personal judgement. And if reaching out for vaidation of these moments somehow makes her feel better about them, so be it but that does not obligate me to endorse them either

Unless you count strap-ons (which, I don’t, since they aren’t human), or fingers (which I don’t, since they were not specifically designed for the purpose), lesbians don’t have human penetrative sex.

Lesbian sex is different. The standard for counting sexual partners is different. The same is true of gay sex. Three different standards for three different kinds of sexual relationships. If you wanted to get into bestiality or sex with objects, you’d have to add a new standard for each, in my opinion.

Do I have to repeat myself? “I DID NOT have sex with that woman”.. Bill Clinton. In that statement he was truthful as head jobs do not count as having sex (except to vindictive republicans I guess).