(NSFW): Advice for handling a college relationship with no physical component?

First, wait until you know him better. See if your feelings for him grow. When the physical becomes an issue (the two of you are kissing, etc.), then in a neutral time and place (not when you have been being physical), say that you have something to tell him.

Then give him some of your history, and why you do not feel you can have a physical relationship at this time.

Do you have an expectation that things will get better (a prognosis from the doctors that they will improve in three months? six months?)? If so, share that with him.

Then you just have to wait. Your situation will separate the wheat from the chaff pretty quickly. You will find out what kind of guy he is by how he responds.

@Mariah I read the details and was mentally composing an answer only to see that @marinelife had already writte it for me. That’s how heartily I second the above answer.

@marinelife Said it all so well.

All I can add is, enjoy each moment. Try not to think too far ahead.

[NSFW] At the risk of getting explicit, when things start getting physical (kissing, etc.) you can take one of two paths with him.

1. Tell him the truth: You have medical issues that prevent you have having a “normal” sexual relationship, but you’re willing to compensate with your mouth. It’s about 50/50 with guys. About 50% will be thrilled to learn that they’re about to get lots and lots of oral, even if it means none of the other.

2. Make up a lie. Tell him you’re terrified of getting pregnant, having to quit school, and totally messing up your life. Since no birth control is 100% effective, everything below the waist if off-limits. But again, that you’re willing to compensate with your mouth.

Of course, both of these options depend on your willingness to give oral, and good oral at that. And most guys are more than willing to reciprocate (if you so desire him to).

Just from reading your question I think you’ve got this one pretty much figured out.

You’re an intelligent and intuitive lady and I think you can trust yourself to know when would be a good time. Just remember there’s probably never a “comfortable” time for the discussion but that doesn’t mean it has to go badly. Just say your piece, leave the door open for him to ask questions later, and then move on with enjoying your time together. He’ll probably need time to process so don’t expect a lot right away, he’s learning and nervous too. You guys can naturally figure out how to proceed from there together.

You’re not a tease and you have more to offer than a physical relationship.

Here, I made a note card outline for your talk

> Dear boy.
> I think you’re great and I enjoy spending time with you
> Here’s some things you should know about me, any questions?
> Let’s go do something

Keep it short and sweet and then fill in the blanks over time as they become relevant.

I would be direct and honest: let him know that you don’t think he’s only interested in you for sex, but that it’s an issue you want to clear up. If he’s into you for the right reasons it won’t matter. Everything I’ve seen of you on Fluther has indicated that you’re a pretty damn cool woman, one that any guy would be lucky to have the opportunity to wait for. Best wishes.

I also liked @marinelife‘s answer. The only other piece of advice I would have is that sooner is probably better than later—for both of you. From this and your other questions it sounds like this is a source of embarrassment for you, which is completely understandable, but know that other people do not see it that way.

If this guy is on a date with you he is a lucky guy, and I hope that no matter how The Conversation goes, he recognizes that. Best of luck, and keep us posted.

I would also suggest that you ask this question on the forums that deal with your specific medical issues. You need advice from other young women with similar issues, and I don’t think that applies to any of us here.

I am happy that you have had just a good several months, both academically and socially but am sad to learn about the ongoing medical “yuck” problems. (Have you found trees starting to leaf out and bulbs coming up on campus?)

Use your judgement, if you see that things are progressing the best thing to do is gonna be to be totally up front with him….don’t jump the gun, but don’t wait either! If you really like him and he’s okay with it you can still pleasure him! It’s not all bad, and as long as he isn’t a total dick, if he likes you he’ll understand!

If he is the ONE, you won’t have to worry about anything about your relationship, physical, intellectual or emotional. If and when things go effortlessly and you both find yourselves still falling in love with each other before and especially after you give him the talk, then he is definitely the ONE.

I know it’s probably unfashionable to say this but you are in college primarily to study. That said I am pleased you have met someone you like and who likes you and good luck with the relationship. Being with the right person can really make the sun shine from the sky.

I know you are an honest person so you don’t really have a choice but to be honest, the only question is when to tell him. He may never kiss you, but if he does you will then have to tell him, maybe not right then but shortly thereafter. Just holding hands can be quite intimate, that too may indicate the time to tell.

Rachael, congrats on the new love. I totally agree with Marinelife.

Hold off telling, but not too long. If he cares anything about you, he will understand.

His first advance would be the proper time. Make sure he understands all that you have stated in your question.

I understand your position.

I wish you good luck

Yeah,let it play out for two or three dates and see how you feel about each other. Then if you think there’s something there, tell him the truth and ask for his suggestions how to handle it.

Thanks, all.