Why do people fall in love with people they can't have?

Rational thought and falling in love are rarely experienced at the same time.

I agree with @FutureMemory, I doubt it is so calculated in most situations. People meet and fall for each other. Love has little to do with logic. Also, your question suggests it is the person outside the committed relationship who drives the situation and that isn’t necessarily true. In some cases it undoubtedly is but at other times the person on the outside may not even be aware the person is in a relationship initially or until the person comes clean and says “I am married” etc.

Unless we choose to be totally reclusive, every day we meet or are placed in situations where we have the opportunity to meet other people. These meeting can happen at work, school, the mall, library, grocery store, clubs and, yes, even in church. Agreed?
We’ve all heard the expression: “the good ones are all taken.” Let’s assume there is a grain of truth to it and say that at any one moment , 75% of the people you would want as a partner are in relationships.
Now, let’s say you randomly meet someone interesting, reasonably attractive to you, well mannered, financially stable, etc. According to Malcolm Gladwell’s wonderful book ‘Blink’, unconsciously, it only takes seconds for you make the decision you want that person. You make the decision even before you find out if they are taken. Using that 75% number, simple math says it is 3x more likely that the person you want is taken. Some people may argue it is 80% or even 90% which would make it 8–10 times more likely the person is already taken.

There are predators who enjoys destroying relationships for fun, but that is a different story.

On one level, they’re creating fantasy and drama for themselves. They’re manufacturing a dream or an aspiration for themselves- something to strive for or hope for, however irrational. Sort of like people who buy lottery tickets knowing that the chances of winning are 300 billion to one.

On another level, there are the drama queens, who set up these situations so that they can continuusly manufacture these soap operas for themselves. I think that subconsciously this is an attention getting device (woe is me!) to keep the person’s ego happy because people will be worried about her/him/

Falling in love with someone who is unavailable can be an indicator that one is not ready for a long term relationship. We attract and are attracted to people that are approximately the same level of health as we perceive ourselves to be.

The reason why can be complicated, in fact volumes have been written to discuss why we do this, but the principle has proven true in my life over and over again, and in the lives of the relationships around me.

The best thing one can do to improve the quality of relationships that one has is improve one’s relationship with oneself.

hope this helps!

Sometimes some or all of the reasons you pointed out in your Details section apply. Sometimes it is just chemical attraction. Sometimes it is something else.

@marinelife you must have some interesting stories to share.

What does “can’t” and “can never have him” mean? Is there such a thing? Is the original question valid?

@noraasnave My answer was based on a lifetime of observing other people and their relationships. Not my own personal experience. Most of the time.

Its like walking into a jewelry store and spotting a diamond ring you would love to have for your s/o. You know darn well you cannot afford it, but it would look fantastic on his/her finger.

I guess its just the desires we all have within us, to want something we cannot have.

The song Where Were You When I Was Falling In Love, pretty much tells it like it is.

For me, I didn’t plan to fall in love with someone…it kind of snuck up on me unawares…so I don’t know how to answer this…

I’ve never been able to control love. It happens or it doesn’t and I don’t realize it til after the fact. Lust yes, love no.

People don’t control who they have feelings for, it just happens.

I’ve only lusted after men I can’t have, never “loved”, so I’m not sure if my opinion actually counts here. My only thought on it is that we want what we want, and don’t always have the ability to reign our hearts in with rational thinking.

It’s more exciting than picking and appropriate mate.

Complexity is interesting. The “should-be” unavailable are a challenge to overcome. The human brain loves to try to solve puzzles and even if the game has no clear or purposeful end to it, the fun of playing is itself a draw.

Being someone who was never been attracted to the idea of getting someone unavailable, I think it all simply has to do with self love.
If you don’t really love yourself enough than a person is more inclined to reach for the impossible. I think its a desire to have someone else say they are truly worthy.
Although I have seen it sometimes as an ego thing. They can think too highly of themselves and may feel that getting someone unavailable makes it true that they are as desirable as they believe.

Well, that’s me to a tee, @Pandora…I certainly don’t feel worthy of anyone’s love. Of course, I’ve been surrounded by people all my life that have done their best to halp me feel that way. My problem is that I fall for the first person who goes out of their way to show me kindness and a caring heart…

@yankeetooter I think that’s a very common experience. It makes sense; if everyone shits on you, of course you’re going to want to be around, and eventually will develop feelings for, those that do not shit on you. Pretty basic, really.

But it can really screw things up when you so easily fall for such people…and they don’t feel the same way. Then the cycle continues…

Very true. The key is to recognize it as it’s happening, then you can deal with it proactively.

The undeniable attraction of something or someone new and exotic is always there, but usually the focus of this kind of attention is nothing more than a cardboard cutout when ones gets really close and looks with scrutiny. When the known is boring and understood, then the unknown becomes intoxicating and beautiful.

On to a more fundamental question: no one can ‘have’ another person, can they? What kind of world would that be? Why do people use that terminology? The imagery is that they are going to put the other person in a box and carry them around showing everyone.

@noraasnave – I’ve read your answers before and you’re very smart. You seem to know a lot and always write very eloquently :) You remind me of a philosopher, or someone with a very deep mind.

I think @john65pennington has hinted at the answer. It’s the scarcity principle. If something is rare or unattainable, then it seems more valuable or desirable.

@partyrock I am humbled by your observation. Thank you.

@noraasnave no problem at all

For me, there’s something exciting about wanting someone you can’t have. Personally, I have that happening to me right now. But it’s a different situation. My parents hate him, and won’t let me be with him.
We both like each other. But, we can’t talk to each other.
When we DO see each other, though. It’s really nice.
It makes seeing someone that you rarely see that much better when it’s like a treat. Not an everyday thing.
As for the other woman, thing. Women want to change a man, I don’t know why. But almost every girl I know has dated a guy because he was “bad” or a player, and they thought they could change him.

That’s a good question though.. Why DO women think they can change a man?

Sorry to get off topic a little bit.. :/

My understanding is that this is the biggest dilemma a parent with a teenage daughter can have. If I as a parent push too hard to keep or get rid of the guy, the teenage hormones of independence are going to naturally push the other way. The better the relationship of the parents with the daughter the weaker the feelings are.

It isn’t a woman’s fault, necessarily that she thinks she can change a man. When both ‘fall’ in love, priorities change for both people. Instead of hanging with the guys or playing video games every night, he now chooses to spend time with you. Instead of spending money on the coolest new rims, he is going to get flowers, or chocolate, or a nice dinner for you.

Look at all that has changed already, it makes a women feel beautiful and enchanting. It also makes a woman feel like she has power to change a guy in other ways, because he changed in those ways.

If you remember nothing else in your life remember:

A person will not make permanent changes to themselves for anyone else but themselves…and if the changes are good they will be slow (personal growth).

a person can change was they do that is mostly easy. Change what time they get up. Change what workout they do at the gym. Change where they go out to eat. Changing who they are…that takes a lifelong commitment to growing as a person.

Hope this helps.

@noraasnave That helped a lot, actually. And my parents are very, VERY involved in my life. Down to knowing all my friends, their parents and my passwords. They have a microscope on me.

@coastiegirl96 Then they really care for you. It seems restrictive, but young people commonly don’t have a heaping helping of common sense at your age, and can get in dangerous situations.

Too much control is a bit problematic, and can actually have an opposite effect. In this day and age, parents lose daughter’s your age all the time, and NEVER hear from them again.

My parents were protective of me as well, but they also had me on a pedestal for some reason.

I am glad I could be of help to you. I am sure I will need to pick your brain sometime. My daughters are 8 and 10.

@noraasnave I guess. It can be really suffocating though. They don’t trust me.
Oh, nice :D
Hahah, okay. Sounds good(: I followed you. SO pick away. :DD

Have you ever given them a reason to doubt you…lets say in the last 6 months?

I just realized that time periods are different for parents and their non-adult children. Time moves so slowly for teens and so quick for adults. 6 months goes by fast for me, but for my children relationship start, build, and end in that time. They learn so much in every area, where I focus my learning and growth in only a couple. anyway, I digress.

@noraasnave Yeah. I ditched to his house last year. I was grounded all summer. Then they let me start talking to him again and I got behind on school. Soo.. xD
But my mom and dad hate him. They’re rude to him if we run into him. Dad tells him to leave. Mom stands there with her hands folded over her chest. Ugh.
And oh. Yeah the time passes by so slow. This summer was the longest one ever, ugh.

@coastiegirl96 Wow…I can see why you would be frustrated. I really appreciate your honesty. Doesn’t leave you much to do but daydream about him I am sure. Daydreams are so magical.

I am sure that it appears like a prison camp at the moment, but hopefully when you look back, no matter how your future turns out, you will understand how BIG their love is for you.

I will continue this conversation by PM, so that people get their answers. Sorry Flutherites.

@noraasnave PM? And yeah, sorry everyone xDD
I’ll answer the rest by what I’m assuming is private message, lol.

Unfortunately this is a common occurance and there is nothing positive that ever comes from this. People like this are in love with the game and themselves, not the person and their personal qualities themselves, which is sad.

That’s not always true, @Paradox25. Sometimes people fall in love with someone without meaning to…they aren’t playing some game…and, in my case, I am definitely not in love with myself. Somedays I absolutely loathe myself…

@yankeetooter Exactly.

I have fallen in love with love itself, the other person was required, just to fill the spot, so I had an excuse. It was annoying that the other person didn’t care what I wanted them to do to keep my fantasy going, they were motivated by their issues and their own agenda.

@yankeetooter The OP however specifically asked what the appeal was with people who are already attached. If there is a correlation involved with the attachment factor and attraction than I highly doubt that in most of these cases real love is the motivator, and there is a difference between infatuation, obsession and at least what I find to be true love. There have also been studies done which have clearly shown that many women (more so than men) seem to have a preference for attached men vs available men.

The question was specifically related to being attracted to people who are attached, not about falling in love without meaning to. However I do agree with you that love is unpredictable and can happen in any situation.