Is it wrong to go on a trip without my boyfriend even if he doesn't want me to?

I think if he trusts the guys, as they’re his friends in addition to being your cousin and his friends, then he should not have a problem with it. However, sometimes people get upset by things that are not always logical, and it’s up to you whether or not you want to tolerate that or accept it. He may be so upset if you go that it’s a deal breaker and he breaks up with you. That you won’t know until and unless it happens. He may just be a little miffed, or he may play tit-for-tat and do something to get you back. Who knows. Only time will tell. It’s ultimately up to you, whether or not you are determined to go and what you are willing to accept from him, and how much you want to live your life to placate him.

Sorry for posting twice. They deleted my post because I had too many typos. But I feel he should trust me and that I’m going because of my cousin and a trip not his friends! I hate how people on loveshack just thought of me as being the creepy girlfriend tagging along.

@chelle21689: You are continuing to obsess about these issues. It is a morass and you haven’t heeded the collection’s advice the last time you asked a version of this question.

Unwritten codes, “guy” trip, “weird” are vague terms. You need to figure out what’s best for you and forget all this “I said,” “he said,” “she said,’

If you want to travel, travel.

He should trust you. That’s my point. If you want to live to placate him, then start obeying him. However, take the chance he does not like an uppity woman. I say that with sarcasm.

You should absolutely GO. I’ve already lived this, in all different forms. I get a red flag about control issues and insecurity, which he’s already realizing now on his own. There is no reason a person should keep another person from having fun. That being said the only exception would be if you had a wrong motive. For instance, wanting to flirt with his friends, wanting to purposely upset him, etc. Those are reasons not to go but only YOU would truly know your own motives. If you’ve genuinely been asked to attend, and you want to go for all the normal reasons any person would want to travel, my thought is, you MUST go. And what a great test of both of your intentions in this relationship. Have fun !

@gailcalled

I couldn’t read the advice!!! That is why I’m asking this question again. I mentioned above that I apologize for repeating this question because it was deleted for my typos and slang talk. I did not read any of the advice yet…...

You are not completely wrong to want to go.

You are completely wrong for having a boyfriend who wants to control you about a weekend trip.

Me thinks thou doest protest too much!

Go and go without guilt.
As others have mentioned, anytime we feel the need to give up, or not do something because of a partner we are being controlled. Control sets us up to become resentful and that is not a good thing. If you don’t feel free to make your own choices without another person giving you a hard time, if there are trust issues that prevent one or both people from moving freely in thier lives, well…time to rethink the “relationship.”

Coloma, yeah, it’s making me re-think everything and I haven’t been happy for a few days =(

@chelle21689 If you are thinking of defying his feelings and desires to do what you want…that explains why you would come to us for emotional support. Identify why you want to defy him.

“Because it would be fun” isn’t usually a strong enough reason to damage or destroy a long term relationship…dig a little deeper there are other reasons which you are ignoring or haven’t realized yet.

I think he’s being a big baby. You’re an adult. Go. He should be happy you wanna be friends with his friends! Geez.

All things in all relationships are negotiable. It’s juvenile for anyone to represent this as clear choice either way. It’s part of your relationship, as are a million other things we don’t know about. We have no idea what tradeoffs the two you you have made, or might make in the future. We don’t know your values, habits or plans.

He’s jealous. A lot of people are. The issue of who is going is largely irrelevant.

You could have a great time in Chicago. A lot of people would want to go.

It’s reasonable that he doesn’t want you to go (it would reflect on a more mature relationship if he wanted you to go despite his misgivings.) I don’t know you of course, but a fraction of people who went on a trip like this would end up ruining their relationship with the guy. It happens.

If his reaction is going to be so strong if you go that it ruins the relationship, you’re an idiot to pretend you don’t know that. You might well say, “I don’t want to be in the relationship in that case,” which is well and good. And I would say that going to Chicago and being prepared to deal with the possible aftermath is a reasonable choice, too.

But you don’t need a bunch of people you don’t know to
1: tell you what “the rules are”
or
2: dis your boyfriend and encourage you to behave in a way that might create a problem you’re not willing to have.

There aren’t any rules. That’s the bad news. The good news is that’s why relationships are the only thing that keep people interested for a lifetime. And few of us are really good at it.

I wouldn’t be going because I want to defy him. Why is the trip being fun not a reasonable answer? I like to travel to new places I’ve never been before and this is an opportunity that is also affordable. Him not wanting me to go I guess would only make me want the need to go more, but it’s the fact that I’m not “allowed” to do anything because of him is what really upsets me and making me re-think the relationship and wonder how to make things better.

I understand certain situations but really, he has no reason other than “I think it’s weird.” i’m not the type to party and get drunk and cheat. I’ve never cheated, I’m not a flirt, I am pretty shy and quiet.

He hated it the other day when he mentioned he didn’t like me on a gym membership site because there’s a lot of men on there that are “fit”. And then he apologized for seeming like he didn’t trust me and blamed it on being cheated on.

Honestly, the trip is cancelled because another plan has been formed which was camping. Luckily we’re both going. But, when he told me he would be bothered…I decided I wouldn’t go to Chicago but I resented him for it. Made me think “How many times am I going to not do something just because he doesn’t like it without a reasonable reason?”

You are still focused on his behavior, his rational, his speeches, his defense and his erratic yet controlling behavior.

Rethinking the relationship is the second step (after making the trip).

(Don’t waste your time with loveshack.org, either).

@chelle21689: “He hated it the other day when he mentioned he didn’t like me on a gym membership site because there’s a lot of men on there that are “fit”. And then he apologized for seeming like he didn’t trust me and blamed it on being cheated on.”

Get out. Now.

Not only does he not trust you, he doesn’t trust his friends…Who does he trust? He’s also seemingly incredibly insecure…..I second @tom_g :\

But I don’t want to just throw away the relationship. I want to fix it. =\ He’s a great guy

My girlfriend (now wife) used to go out with my friends all the time. Some of my friends thought it was weird that I would “let” the other go to places without me. I never understood it. If she wanted to go someplace and I couldn’t, I certainly wasn’t going to tell her not to go. That just leads to resentment. I trust her, and she trusts me. Which leads to this, your boyfriend doesn’t trust you. That’s not to say that you’ve done anything untrustworthy. More likely, your boyfriend is an insecure bitch who is afraid to let you out of his sight. Tell him to grow a pair, and you’re going to Chicago to visit your cousin. If he can’t handle a weekend apart, then find a new girl to control.

@chelle21689: “He’s a great guy”

Doesn’t sound like it.

Maybe you should do some contemplation on what it means to you for someone to be a “great guy”. If you feel insecurity, jealousy, and control issues are qualities you are looking for, then maybe you’re ok.

@chelle21689 You can’t fix him. Let me repeat that, You can’t fix him.

It takes two people to fix a bad relationship. Last I looked, he was not working on any of your mutual issues.

Are you apprehensive about being without a boy friend?

People enter relationships all the time with the expectation that they will fix their significant other. I admit it sounds like a noble goal, but the reality many flutherites have found is that people don’t change for anyone else but themselves at least not for any substantial period of time.

The person they really are before they met you is the person they are going to be. People can pretend to be someone they are not for a short time, but will eventually slingshot back to who they really are.

@gailcalled: “Are you apprehensive about being without a boy friend?”

Good point. I don’t mean to sound like I’m piling on here, but @chelle21689, you should probably try to be without a boyfriend for some time to figure your stuff out. Seems like you have a lot of work to do.

When you have your next boyfriend, remember – you are not his, so therefore you are not his to lose. You are you. He’s a separate person. Hopefully, you’ll find someone someday that will recognize that and enjoy being in your presence because he knows you are “with him” because you want to be.

Life is short. Do what you want to do here. Let the cards fall where they may. You do not need anyone’s permission. You are a single adult woman.

He’s a great person because he really is. My ex didn’t treat me good and my bf treats me a lot better. Funny enough, my ex didn’t give a F*** what I did but he also didn’t give me enough attention. My bf does thoughtful things, make me laugh, always teaching me a new thing… it’s something that we have built and I just don’t want to throw it away just like that. It means something to me. Is there really no advice on how to make things better other than just break up which isn’t an option for me?

Do what you want. You are not married. You do not need his permission to live your life.

This isn’t about breaking up. It’s about stepping up. This is your life. Take responsibility for your choices. If he doesn’t like or approve of your choices, that’s his responsibility, not yours to take on. He’s projecting to you and you’re accepting it.

In reading the posts since mine, it seems to get worse. I would ask yourself some serious questions, go on the trip if you genuinely want to, and consider being single while on it.

@chelle21689 Oh gawd kiddo…fix the relationship ??? Do you know how many people ( mostly women ) walk this lonely and unproductive path? You can’t ride the long trail of relationship with a lame horse, time for a fresh mount.

@chelle21689 I just think that problems like these can sometimes be fixed for the short term but something like being very insecure or jealous you can’t just “cure”. Deep down he’s going to be insecure and jealous still and it will come back out eventually. You’re just going to prolong the inevitable. If you want to try to fix this specific problem, tell him you’re going because you want to be with your cousin, you like his friends, and it’s a great opportunity to travel which is something you love to do….where do his problems with these few things arise? Call him out on it if you have to!! Ask him if he’d like to be treated this way if he was in your shoes.

All you people who are saying dump him…

Have your relationships all been two steps forward, one step forward? Relationships take work because we are all dealing with our crap, not because we love too deeply. He has crap, she has crap. They can work on it. Are you projecting something onto these people from your life?

@6rant6 That is only true if both people are aware of their crap and want to work on it.
Saying ” I know I am jealous or insecure” is not working on anything. I agree that relationships take some work, but, good relationships take very little. The goal is be in a relationship where both people are healthy and mature enough to solve the issues quickly, once and for all.

Anything that becomes repetitious and is not being resolved is where it is time to jump ship. Recycling the same issues for months and years is where a lot of people get stuck.

When a couple is seen doing things socially without their partner, I think that sometimes others wonder if something is wrong. I think your bf may be worried that people will see you and think something is wrong. Then, since he is already insecure about you and about his friends, then he imagines someone will try to put a move on you and you won’t be able to resist.

This is his problem, not yours. He needs to learn how to trust his friends and lovers. He needs to learn to have empathy for you, and to value your having fun and having new experiences, even if it is without him. He probably needs the help of a therapist if he is going to deal with this issue.

I think you should want him to deal with his fears and lack of trust. He may be a good guy, but this could be a problem that keeps on showing up over and over in the future. Tell him you are going on this trip and it is a gift to him to give him an opportunity to learn to deal with his trust issues. Tell him you want him to come to trust you. It could be a big problem if he doesn’t learn to trust you, so here’s a chance to learn.

You could offer to call him ten times a day, or text him forty times. I wouldn’t. But that’s an option. You can spend lots of time processing this. But I would go. He’s a good guy. Don’t worry. If that is true, he will be there when you get back. But if he freaks out, and disappears, then I think you really have to question how good a guy he is, after all.

Thanks everyone. Yeah, it doesn’t matter anymore since the trip was cancelled and everyone is going camping now. But I’ll look out for more insecurity red flags etc.

@chelle21689 – Good luck. Seriously. I have known way too many people who have entered and stayed in abusive situations with “nice guys”. Please don’t just “look out for more insecurity red flags” in him. Work on building your own confidence and self worth as an individual.

I know that to some degree, this type of question is what is good about fluther. But while you are in the process of finding yourself, I would suggest that you temporarily pause the next time you ask someone or fluther, “Is it wrong to…”. In that pause, ask yourself if you feel it is wrong. I would try trusting your own judgement for now. If something doesn’t feel right, it might not be right.

Well, I’m going to be doing what i want anyways lol.

“I don’t want to just throw away the relationship. I want to fix it.”

Ummmm….. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you can’t “fix” him. If’s he’s been cheated on and he’s acting this paranoid about a weekend trip with a group of people, then he’s not ready to be in a trusting, mature relationship.

Run away quickly and don’t look back. Trust me, I dated men like him and it never turned out pretty. Just remember- you can NOT fix him. Don’t even try.

@Coloma so.. whose relationship went on like this for years? Not the OP.

And we have no idea what baggage OP brings to the party. She may not either.

You are just jumping to all kinds of conclusions about his intentions and patterns, and what she may be doing that contributes to dysfunction in the relationship. I’m not saying OP is at fault. I’m not saying he’s a catch. I’m saying no one here has enough information to advise any of these:

He’s not worth the trouble
The relationship isn’t worth the struggle
This is a pattern that is evident in your relationship
He is the problem
He is “abusive.”

Those are all things that occur in many relationships, but not necessarily in the OPs.

I recoil at people advising “end the relationship” when good ones are hard to find, and the course of true love never went smoothly anyway and all that.

Hear, hear, @6rant6!

I think you should do what feels right to you.

I don’t think either person in a relationship should impose their will on the other. That said I do think negotiation and compromise have an important role in relationships, just that one person should not demand to have it their way every time there is a disagreement.

@6rant6 Yes, you have a point, but…this person has been asking Q’s like this for several days now, sooo, bottom line, she does not feel FREE to make her own choices without having to worry about the boyfriends reactions.
That speaks volumes.
If you sign up for jealous and insecure, not a little once in awhile but a lot all the time, well…this old broad has the life experience to know that’s not going to be a match made in heaven. No projecting, just knowing some of the hard facts of what constitutes a good relationship and not doing something because another person is insecure is not part of a good relationship.

What do you mean I’ve been asking questions like this for several days now? This is the first time I’ve asked a relationship type of question in a month.

Anyways, here’s the link to loveshack
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/318470-fair-my-bf-doesnt-want-me-going-trip-w-o-him

Lol, everyone is basically saying I’m going to be a “wild’ party girl and I think everyone on that board has trust issues.

Chances are that he just wishes he could go, and doesn’t like the idea of his friends having fun without him. We are all a little like this, right? The closer you are to someone, the more intensely you can feel that envy. Jealousy is like a wrong-headed entitlement that’s easier to put on people that you know well.

He wants to go, but he can’t. That sucks. He’ll have to imagine his friends having fun, and he’ll see the photos they post online, and he’ll be sore about it, but if you are included, the potential for jealousy is so much more, since he’s closer to you than almost anyone else.

You can’t blame him for preferring that you not go and have fun.

So now that you understand how he’s feeling, you can let him know that he’s being retarded. Go and have fun and don’t let someone guilt you into not going. What kind of life do you want, anyway?

@Coloma Well, besides the objection by the OP to the premise you based your two cents on, this is not a justification for doing whatever she wants: “she does not feel FREE to make her own choices without having to worry about the boyfriends reactions.”

Well, duh. She’s in a relationship. She is supposed to be including his feelings, his reactions in her doings. I can just imagine the XX flack that would erupt If some guy said he wanted to do whatever fun thing occurred to him even though it would hurt his girlfriend’s feelings.

@6rant6

Meh…we’re not talking all nighter party benders or other clearly inconsiderate behaviors, we’re talking a few days or a week long trip with friends.
Of course people in relationships need to take their partners feelings into consideration, but to not be able to take off with friends for a few days because the other person has insecurity issues is not cool.

Really good relationships allow everyone their freedom because there is trust.
The boyfriends trust issues are his baggage to deal with and it is unfair that he expect his girl friend to give up a good time because HE has unresolved baggage form a previous bad experience. Guess we have to agree to disagree, or not. lol

@Coloma And next time he wants to do what he wants and she doesn’t want him to do it, you’d advise him to just say, “That’s your problem, not mine.” Oh yeah, that’s going to be a lasting relationship.

@6rant6 Yes. THAT is the whole point, relationships are about two separate and healthy adult people who are free to make their own choices as long as they are not blatantly disrespectful or dysfunctional. They are not about control, and acting in a parent/ child manner where one person has to get “permission” from the other to make a simple decision like being able to say ” I want to go fishing with the guys this weekend” or ” I think I’m going to go with so & so, for a few days.”

This is part of peoples dysfunctional ideas about relationship.
Nobody OWNS or POSSESSES another FREE and AUTONOMOUS human.
I don’t know where people get off thinking they have the right to decide what their partner does as long, again, as it does not involve obviously unhealthy behavior.
Being in a relationship does not mean giving up your personal interests, hobbies, friends or any part of who you were prior to the relationship.

The whole idea that one adult person ” lets” another do something is total bullshit, controlling and unhealthy.
Nobody LETS me do anything, I CHOOSE, for myself, while taking others feelings into consideration.

If their objections are based on their OWN unchecked baggage, jealousy, insecurity, trust issues, well, that IS their problem and nobody should have to defer to anothers neurotic issues.

He’s interested in fast cars, motorcycles, guns typical guy stuff that I am not really fond for. Especially racing. I can joke around say he’s not allowed to buy a gun and go to the shooting range and see how he feels hahah jk

@chelle21689
True love NEVER prevents another from following their own desires, even if one disagrees. If someone really “loves” another they are prepared to let that person do and be whatever they need to do and however they need to be to further their own growth and happiness, even if that means letting them go.

Anything less is not love, it is addiction and selfishness, the antithesis of true “love” which is about growth, expansion and freedom, not control and stagnation.

@coloma who said he had the right to decide for her? OP stated that he was apologetic for his reaction. I only said that ignoring his probable reaction is inviting trouble. I even said that expecting the bad reaction was one option, just not the only one.

You on the other hand, apparently know everything there is to know about you old their relationship.

@6rant6 Okay, you’re right, I’m wrong. Satisfied? lol
Lets move on now, why don’t you tell the right way to prepare Lima beans? haha

get them fresh if you can, dried otherwise. Not frozen! simmer them long time with herbs and bacon (if you swing that way) and more butter than seems reasonable. They should appear more soupy than vegetable like. So good!