Can we create the family we never had?

I think since you’re conscious of this situation and are seeking answers on whether it can be fixed you will have to play the leader. Why not try to set up a barbecue party? Or some sort of family gathering? Of course, the adults will know the truths but at least for the children, being a family from their child mindset will give them a sense that they do in fact have family.

Yes, I think that in many cases the friends we cultivate are an attempt to do just that.

I have tried, but I have turned into a loner who doesnt trust much anymore.

Maybe your journey will end up different than mine.

I misread. Yes you can create the family you envision by employing your values into your kids lives.

I am guessing you are not referring to with your biological family or at least not exclusively with your biological family? I think a ‘family’ can be a group of people with whom you share things in common. Ideology, habits, beliefs, actions. People you care about and who care about you.

So, look around at your friends and see if any of them qualify as being ‘part of your family’. If they do, invite them over on special occasions, celebrate their birthdays and invite them to celebrate yours. Give them support when they need it and it is very likely, if they are worthy of your care, they will return the gesture. No they aren’t blood family, but sometimes we can make friends that offer far more than kinship ties.

Sure by choosing your friends wisely. Surround yourself with people who are well grounded. But the best way to start is by realizing your family faults and forgiving and letting it go. Learn from the mistakes and just make sure you know how to avoid them. Even a dysfunctional family can teach you. You learn to do the opposite. But keep realistic expectations of what a real family is like. All familys have a little dysfunctional points to them. We are not all leave it to Beaver. (although they were a bit dysfunctional) There will be arguments in any close relaionship, but it becomes dysfunctional when one person holds all the power and the rest follow out of fear or insecurity.
You just have to determine what level of dysfunction are you able to live with and still be happy.

I see it happen in AA quite a bit, where people recreate family for them selves from sober acquaintances. It isn’t structured like a family, but more like a group of brothers and sisters, who care for each other and create their own traditions.

Remember, anything you do two years in a row is a tradition, and giving honor to that tradition grounds the people associated with it into a stable place. It is rituals that we create that bond us. And it can be minor things, like “Bessie always brings chocolate milk to Thanksgiving” or Bill likes ravioli at Christmas.

The people who share those ritualistic/new tradition experiences become our new family.

Yes we can create our our family. I disowned most of my old one and will find someone I love and will rebuild the family one birth at a time.

Yes. If you choose your friends wisely they can become your family and offer the peace and support you need.
Some people look to organized religion to fill the void. (If that works for you.).

You, your spouse, and children can become the biological family you desire. Make it a good one.

You find people that you are sympatico with. You spend a lot of time with them including holidays. You build a lot of shared and treasured memories.

Don’t start all at once. Make one good friend at a time.

If you attend church or any kind of community organization around a shared interest that might be a good place to start. If not, volunteer work.

Yes you can, but you should pick those to be included very carefully. As a matter of fact, I would take along someone whose judgment I trusted to help me choose.

Absolutely, but you must be prepared to let a lot of people go and to spend time walking the path of solitude while transitioning to new friends. Better to walk alone than in the company of fools is my mantra. lol

Your quest for a better family, always begins with the person you have the most control over: yourself. Seek a better self. Life forces us to grow in areas we probably wouldn’t choose, but we still do get to choose some areas to grow in for ourselves.

I tell my son that if a person can read they can really do anything.

When I was looking at being a step-parent for the first time, I purchased a few paperback books on Half.com and read them. That was 6 years ago, but I still and use the concepts and principles I learned in those simple books to this day.

When my soul mate and I were courting, I knew that she had suffered a tragic death of a loved one, so I looked in my college library (online) for a book on death. I think the book was called “On Death and Dying”. That book has not only helped me understand her, but anyone who has lost a loved one.

So, my suggestion? start reading.

Yes you can. It’s not easy but it can happen. I had a horrible childhood but I have a very good family now consisting of my husband, my daughter and a few good friends who I have adopted as my own. I was an only child and now I have 2 brothers and a sister, aunts and uncles, none of whom are related to me by blood. I’ve never felt so fortunate.

Yes. Having seen the harm a poor family setting does, if you decide to marry and have children, or bond with a group of caring friends, do so with your face set like flint to make it work—to not repeat the errors that ended up spoiling your first experience with a family. It’s doable. It has been done.

I think in forgiving your family for past wrongs helps the healing process. Only they can change who they are; you can only learn to accept them. While you may never get what you want from them, your friends and the family you create can fill the gaps.

Forgiveness is only an option when one reaches a point of view when the emotions of a bad situation are processed and understood.

I it is interesting that here on fluther we tell the individual with the question (over and over again) to simply forgive the offending party(ies). While this IS an adequate solution, to the individual with the problem it is unreachable from where they are, often times.

Reaching a point where the choice of forgiveness is possible, at least for me, takes a lot a processing and expression.

I concede that some wrongs are easier to forgive than others, but in the case of this question, there appears to be much to understand, process and get past before forgiveness is an option.