Relationship crossroads question. Help me think this through?

addendum, FWIW: I can deal with her crabbiness to an extent if it’s her dredging up her muck and “experiencing” the pain she’s dealing with while she talks it out, but that’s different from her shutting down or just getting moody because I happened to poke a sore spot or whatever.

Please add one note of clarification.You seem to be saying that you are facing a choice between staying in this relationship and making positive changes for your own growth. Do you mean to say that you think these are mutually exclusive choices?

What would happen, do you think, if you tried to make the changes you want to see in yourself while sustaining this relationship? Is there any chance that a move toward health on your part might improve the relationship? (How could it hurt?)

This isn’t advice or a lesson in disguise. I really am just asking you to fill in this blank in your picture.

My best advice would be to take a deep breath and then go back and read your question as if someone else had asked it, then ask yourself, “What advice would I give this person?” I suspect the answer is within you, very close to the surface.

Perhaps make the positive life changes for “you” instead of wishing she would. As many people cannot change simply because they are made that way, that is their dynamic. If you do not want to leave, but are so deeply affected by your partners actions, the healthy thing would be so start to absorb healthier choices of friends, hobby’s, spending time in the company of like minded people and gaining nurturing of the self through this. Sounds easy I know but not easy to detach from another’s emotionality. I’d seek answers though as to why another’ s issues so absorb you. Also an over developed sense of responsibility to another and not to the self. So it sound like you do have common ground in that area. Detachment is so hard. It doesn’t mean not caring though.

@Shippy & @Jeruba, you both have touched on a good question. That line of thinking has been a facet of this relationship for some time as well. I’ve “threatened” (I mean this facetiously) to make positive changes for myself over the years, but haven’t followed through, in part, I guess, because of this emotionality (over)attachment. I think about a “move toward health on my part” as a reasonable idea, but when I stop to think about how I might implement that, it means, in part, doing the opposite of indulging her behaviors, and choosing to spend my time in ways that she generally isn’t interested in (or that exhaust/drain her). It also means not putting up with her slow thinking and foot dragging when we’re trying to make decisions about how the day should go. The result of doing this is that she shuts down. So, if I’m too independent/not catering enough in my behavior, then I have to deal with this sulking person for the rest of the day.

Of course, I just leapt to changes having to do with her rather than myself. I guess I need to give some time to thinking about “self”-focused changes.

@Judi, I’ll give that a try as well. Thanks.

I felt like you were talking about me in some ways with this question. I’ve been with my husband for many years and raised two highly successful kids in a loving way. Money was not a problem and we partner well together (with some dysfunctional patterns) but have very different emotional temperaments and interests. I don’t quit either and didn’t; he told me he wanted to leave last November and moved out shortly after. Since then, I have gone through tremendous pain but continued to function at a high level and am finding that along with the loneliness, there is tremendous joy in discovering myself on my own. I truly don’t know what I will do if he wants to get back together at some point. I am learning to live with ambiguity.

I don’t have advice to give you; what I will say is do express your feelings to your partner and let her be part of your process. I was presented with a fait accompli and not allowed in; that was a knife in the gut.

Feel free to pm me if you want to discuss this more at some point.

I have “so” been where you are many times, and again the “sulking” shows just how intertwined you are with her behaviors. But I hear you so clearly as I suffered, and I mean suffered ten years for this. When I look back I ask myself what I could have done differently. I seem not to be able to detach unless I physically remove myself from the situation. I often ask myself why this is, have I no sense of self? I wish I knew the answers,and this in itself is a question I’d like to ask fluther jellies, as it is an ongoing issue with myself.
But common sense says, in your situation start small, I sense you do not have the energy anyway for any other. I have also found that there is always a great time to say something not so great and it does go down OK. So when that time is around mention you will be, going fishing on a Friday, for example. Simply because you love fishing and you have neglected that hobby for ages. Say it with excitement, any rational human being would enjoy your decision taken in this light. Sometimes being around a burdened or draining person is draining in itself so perhaps look for light hearted things to do, comedy TV, baking dressing up as clowns I have no idea what you may find fun but I am sure you get my point.

It sounds like you both are at a low ebb and so neither has the reserves to handle the partner’s bottoming out.

So, you have a few choices.

One, you could go to couples therapy. If your relationship has been good in the past and you still have feelings for your partner, your relationship is worth working on. I would certainly try that before just chucking it. Couples therapy should help you both communicate better and give you the clrity to see if you stay in the relationship or not.

Two, you and your partner can both read Getting the Love You Want by Harville hendrix. As you do the exercises in the book, it will help you remember why you fell in love to begin with and the good things about your partner.

Three, you can try to get some of the inspiration and positivity you need from outside the relationship. Without derailing the relationship. Think about why you feel that you need to be outside the relationship for “getting back in touch with a positive/vibrant version of myself.”

Particularly this phrase: “It also means not putting up with her slow thinking and foot dragging when we’re trying to make decisions about how the day should go.” gives me the impression that you are (unconsciously) using her difficulties to keep yourself from doing things that will make you happier. You must be able to take your own action, not necessarily by leaving the relationship, but go out and do things on your own, and bring yourself back to her in an improved state every day. Instead of letting her drag you under, you might offer her a lifeline. And as @janbb said, clue her in to your thought process – otherwise she will feel as though you are keeping secrets.

You are in a tough spot. It sounds like it could go either way. You could work on being happier together, and it probably would work, but probably never be fabulous the way you would hope a relationship could be, but still adequate; or, part ways. No relationship is perfect of course, and I think there are many extrenal factors that count on questions like this. How long have you been together, do you have children together, etc.?

To me it sounds like you are ready to leave. It’s really tough when both people have integrity, are good people, but just are dissimilar in many ways. That combination can be a lasting relationship, because integrity, respect, and caring for each other are the biggest deals. That is, unless you don’t respect her? Or, don’t support what she wants out of life? Or, she not you?

Just be thankful you are not married to this person, then you would really have a whole new set of problems to deal with.

According to your question, you have made a great effort to stay in the positive with this person. Your shoulder has been there for her to cry on and you have done your part.

Life is too short to be with someone and not be happy with them. You do not have much in common and that is a big negative and should help you make a departing decision.

Loving a person can only go so far. When the love is only 20% and the negative is 80%, then its time for a major move, on your part.

You asked for our opinion and being unhappy in any relationship, should give you the answer you are seeking.

Like John says, it’s a good thing you guys aren’t married. I’m an old fashinioned guy and abhor the idea that couples should live together without being married. When you take short cuts you end up with relationships like you are now enduring. If I were you, I would end the “living together” part of your arrangement and go back to either dating or just meeting different people and dating.

Find someone compatible with you and have a nice long engagement. A year is about right. Then propose and get married. Your chances for a long happy marriage are now much higher than today’s standard 50%.

That is what my wife and I did. We dated for more than a year, and got married at 18, it’s been almost 46 years and we are still in love. I’m not saying everything was perfect and we never had problems but I am saying that taking on the legal and moral obligation of marriage is a serious thing and it works extremely well IF you are both compatible and willing to commit.

@serenade, realistically, the only person you can change is yourself.

It also seems to me that you need to regain a clear sense of which problems are hers and which are yours, and then tackle just the ones that belong to you. One step at a time, as they say.

Hi all- I wanted to circle back and say thanks for all your responses. I got pulled away from this by other stuff (what’s new), but I appreciate your responses and will try to digest them. Oddly, she told me a few days after this Q that I should take care of myself and not worry so much about her issues, so I guess that’s something. Still, it’s hard to straddle the fence with living together but lately being less of a partnership, but I guess that’s solvable.

I do have significant trouble focusing on my own progress and that’s not a new issue, but I think I have at least a handle on that now with some reminders from other Q’s about how to function in life when your impulse is towards self-deprecation. The path is clear enough in that regard, I just have to remember to stay on it. Again, many thanks.

Are you a worker? That is, do you work for a living? Does she have a paying job? How long have you been employed? How many vacations have you taken during your working life? Do you enjoy your job? How would you feel had you not had the opportunity to take vacations? Do you love your mate? Does your mate love you? How many vacations have you taken from your marital responsibilities? Think again of your job in this answer. This has happened to many married couples who have been together for a large percentage of their lives. Often they call it quits only to later realize they made a terrible mistake.. It’s the constant companionship that’s the culprit, not the waning of love (necessarily).. Take a few days off from time to time.. you go your way and let her go her way.. Be what you want to be but don’t have affairs, just fun.. Just a vacation then when you face each other, feel if it was a good thing.. You might be surprised as well as feel a newness of your love for each other.. That’s my advice. Of course, it shouldn’t be for an extended period of time.. A weekend, a few days, even a week will help your ego as well as your realization (of whether this is a good thing or not). And if it fails then there’s other problems that your not facing that’s causing you (and her) to feel the way you do.. Try taking a vacation from each other say every 6 months.. 3 months or for weekends, every month and see if this will actually bring you closer to one another as you get back. Couldn’t hurt to try.