I have a neighbor who continues to flirt and invite me over even though he knows that I'm gay and in a relationship. How do I deal with him?

@Jude: “I was wearing a robe and nothing underneath (sitting on my back steps with my legs open. I’m such a lady!).”

That’s just cruel.

Seriously, though. Other than the robe incident, is it possible that you are misinterpreting friendliness for more? Regardless, you should be clear to him if a behavior is making you feel uncomfortable. For example, if he asks you over for drinks (I wish I had friendly neighbors), maybe you could tell him that you don’t feel comfortable doing so. He may be so embarrassed – even if he didn’t mean anything by it – that you might not get any more uncomfortable drinking invitations.

I think women can sense when glances and invitations are more than just friendly.

Are you sure he knows you’re gay? Maybe he’s one of those guys that thinks that if you just met the right guy (him) he’d be able to get you to change sides.

No misinterpretation here. I am not the only one who sees it. We bumped into him at a bar before the holidays and it was obvious to all that he was flirting.

@tranquilsea He knows. I have told him a few times. “This is my partner” or “this is my girlfriend”.

I think the best tact with this sort is to be brutally honest and tell him he needs to back off.

I feel for you. There’s nothing like having someone leer at you and have them living in close proximity.

Point out to him that there’s really very few faster ways to ensure a woman won’t go out with you than to be disrespectful of her current takenness and/or sexual orientation.

You can’t always control what other people do .. you can only control how you react or how it affects you.

I would just ignore him. He’s probably even more attracted to you after he found out it would be a “challenge” since you’re “gay” and taken. Some people always want what they can’t have.

If you want to get across to him that you’re absolutely serious about NOT being interested in him, you won’t tease him like you did while you were sitting outside .. knowing he was looking at you.

I have a feeling you’re a little flattered by this and he senses it. Better to not give crossed signals.

“you won’t tease him like you did while you were sitting outside .. knowing he was looking at you.”

That is not how it went down. Are you kidding me? Early morning, I let me dog out (I was out for 2 min tops). I sat down on the step waiting for my dog, and when I looked up, I saw the neighbor. I quickly got up and brought the dog inside.

“I have a feeling you’re a little flattered by this and he senses it. Better to not give crossed signals.”

I have started using another door to get into my apartment to avoid the situation. Your response has really irritated me. I don’t want the attention.

I am sure he feels like you are flirting with him, since you are on your porch, naked under your robe, legs open directly towards his window. He probably is getting mixed signals.

How would you like to interact with him? Do you want to be a friendly neighbor and it’s just the flirting that needs to stop? Would you have a drink with him if your girlfriend came too and there were other people there? Would you rather he just ignored you all together?

Tell him.

Or, find a willing gay man to come and stare at his package every time he steps out of the house. Education can be fun.

Just to be clear. He has asked me out numerous times, prior to the one time, in the early morning, that I was sitting outside for two minutes not even thinking that anyone was around, let alone watching, and I have turned him down every time. I don’t talk to him otherwise. In fact, I avoid him at all costs. In no way am I flirting.

You know, it’s like you are all saying that I am asking for it, and I’m not. It’s upsetting.

Just discussing this with my partner and she agrees with me:

It’s not like you went out like that to show yourself off to him. It was first thing in the morning and you didn’t know he was there.
Why is it always a woman’s fault when a man makes unwanted advances?

I’d just tell him straight (no pun intended) out the next time he invites, “No thanks, I am gay. I am in a committed relationship. I will not cheat on my mate. I’d be happy to be friends, but if you insist on flirting and trying to invite me out; I will have to cut off contact with you.

By continuing to proposition you when he knows you are in a relationahip, he is likely tipping his hand as to how important he feels relationships are. If that’s the case, even if you were straight and did strike up a relationship with him, chances are his roving eyes would soon find someone else’s open bathrobe.

I was hoping for helpful answers. Thanks to those of you who gave me good advice.

“I’d be happy to be friends”

I might skip that part, he might not hear anything else, like the old Gary Larson cartoon.

I think @ETpro nailed it.

Yeah @ Jude, if this were me (and it has been in the past), I’ve done what @ETpro said above ’cept I’m not gay

I’ve said bluntly, ”Thank you for the offer. I am not interested in going out with you. I’d appreciate it if we could remain neighborly, but your offers make me feel uncomfortable as I am in a committed relationship.”

If he continues after that^, then I’d say ”Dude. I am not interested. I want to be able to come and go from my place without feeling like prey. Got it?!” If you need your GF their for support, if this continues, or a family member, then do that.

@JustPlainBarb and @filmfann both of your responses were hurtful and ignorant.

Maybe they haven’t lived in apartments @Jude. My experience from apartment living and being a manager has been like yours more than once. It seems when some people live in close proximity it is an invite for some pervy behaviors to erupt

@Jude I’ve been in your situation and it sucks. Nothing like feeling like you have be “on guard” all the time. You should try the direct but friendly track first. If he doesn’t lay off after that then be more blunt.

Yes, I agree with @SpatzieLover
Say what you need to say, be clear and direct and if he does not cease to approach you get even firmer. Otherwise I’d just ignore the guy, and don’t give away your power obsessing on his behaviors. Most likely he’s operating from the ” no harm in trying” philosophy, and it is up to YOU to send clear messages. I’d avoid the pantyless bathrobe moments on the steps too, now that you know he might be spying on you.

That’s like being offended a dog is begging when you are waving a steak in it’s face. Dogs will be dogs, cover up your meaty bits. lol

Just offended that others felt as though I was looking for attention.

@Jude Meh, let it go, everyone is just giving their take on things and, well, sometimes people are flattered by attention like this, even if they ultimately reject it. You’ve made it clear to us that this is not part of this situation for you, sooo…it’s all good, right? ;-)

Have you ever told this person NO? I did not see it in your question. Not telling a person, leaves the possibility of a yes from you. I am sure he understands your sexual preference and maybe its a challenge for him to make you change. Think so?

Be nice, be blunt, but tell him No?

After this, I would recommend a security fence to be erected around your property.

John, I have numerous times.

“recommend a security fence to be erected around your property.”

I rent. That is not going to happen.

Thanks for the responses. I’ll take care of it.

Dear Fluther,

I have a male neighbor who sometimes sits outside, having the first smoke of the day, in just a bathrobe. As men do, he sits with his legs wide open. He’s turned me down for dates several times, but I can’t help but feel that this position is meant as a tease, just for me.

Oh, what’s that, Fluther? Sometimes, people’s bodies are more about them than about me, and just because this guy sometimes sits in a position where I get a peek of his stuff, it doesn’t mean he’s secretly dying to go out with me and just playing hard to get?

That is correct.

Happy Sexual Assault Awareness Month, everybody.

Thank-you.

@Jude How annoying is that! Sorry you are going through this.
After saying No, the creep factor moves to the stalker factor. Continue your diligence on the no. Start keeping a record of this in cronological format. Read up on your States Stalker Laws.

I don’t think you owe him any explanations. Just tell him “no.” Also tell him that that is the last time you will tell him no. You will be ignoring him from now on. Any further attempts to ask you out will be considered harrassment and turned over to the cops.

Also, tell him you don’t like him staring at you when you are walking the dog. Of course, that will probably make him want to stare more, if he is a creep, but if he’s actually a nice guy, it might get him to stop. The thing is, he is entitled to look out his window, and if you are there flashing him, only simple decency would keep him from staring. You can’t count on decency these days.

Channel your inner tinyfaery. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not interested. Ignore him if you must. If he doesn’t stop tell your landlord.

If he still doesn’t stop. Sic your girl on him.

—And to all of those that blame
@Jude for this conflict, you are apologists for inappropriate behavior. It is not her fault. I bet you blame rape victims for being attacked. Ugh.—

Ignore. Say no. Ignore. Say no. Repeat as necessary. This guy could be the type that finds it challenging to prove to gay women in a relationship that they don’t know what they’re missing when it comes to sex with guys. That’s despicable. If he is this despicable, then please don’t give him the satisfaction that you are bothered by the attention he’s throwing your way. This might encourage him to fantasize some more.

Be casual. Be coy. Be consistent. Be patient. Be cool. He might tire eventually once he realized you are not giving a rat’s ass on what he thinks or does. And if he is not the despicable type I mentioned above, and just really is quite attracted to you, you should get the same result as well. He will tire eventually.

Just for the record, people are allowed to look out of their windows. That’s not creepy. It’s looking into peoples windows that is creepy. If you accidentally gave him a show because you were negligent in covering yourself up, well then that is your fault, and I think it’s important you accept some of the blame there. something tells me you won’t be doing that, though

As to the advances, it sounds like you are handling that accordingly.

I give up.

I find that the older folks here are the ones who are partially blaming me.

My partner said:

There is such a double standard that way. Guys showing their junk is just laughable and gross. Girls showing their junk is some sort of invitation and attention-seeking behavior.

——

I’m done with this. I got my answers and will take care of it.

Gay or not, single or not, unwanted attention is unwanted attention. You may have to give up the idea of keeping up a nice neighborly friendship while getting the message of “no” across. I’d think the “no” was more important. “I’m not interested. Please leave me alone.” If that doesn’t work, “f*** off” ought to do it.

See the house to the right? That is his house. See the windows at the back of the house? That’s where he was looking out of. I was sitting on a step, tucked in at the back of the house on the left. No one else from the road could see. It was 7 in the morning. Two minutes outside.

I’m not sure how the time of day or the amount of time is relevant. You were in a state of undress. He was on his property, not peeping into your windows. It’s not an invasion of privacy. I think until you’re able to say, “I really should have been dressed better, or at least had some underwear on…” you’re not going to get much sympathy.

@zigmund He had watched me from his other window, as well. I was fully clothed.

This was after the robe incident.

Why do I feel the need to defend my actions? This doesn’t seem right.

She doesn’t need sympathy, she asked a question that required answers, not judgement of her clothing.

My dad used to smoke his cigs out on the stoop in his tidy whities. If anyone would’ve looked at him wrong or made a remark, he’d have told them to go ”F*ck themselves”. I see zero difference in this scenario.

It’s 2012, not 1912. We, as a people, should be beyond thinking women are inviting comments or leers based on their choice of clothing.

Well good thing for him looking out of windows isn’t a crime…

@zigmund, I presume you mean “you’re not going to get much sympathy from me” (you). Surely you would not be trying to speak for me.

@Jude, I do sympathize. At the same time, I think you’ve got two issues jumbled together here. The fact that he happened to be peering out his window when you were outside in a state not ready for public viewing really has nothing to do with his persistent invitations. If he’d never come on to you, the window incident would feel different, right? This was a one-time thing. The bigger question is just getting him to back off.

He probably thinks you swing both ways. Tell him straight out that you are in no way attracked to men or ever will be and that if he has such a fantasy that he should erase it from his mind.
Also mention that you’ve noticed him peeking at you through his window and you find it creepy.
Better yet have your partner tell him and add that she also doesn’t appreciate that you have to feel uncomfortable by having to ward off advances that are not wanted.

Yes Jeruba. The “from me” was implied.

@zigmund Other than telling me to secure my robe next time, how else are you being helpful? What more do you have to say?

I was being supportive when I said that it seemed you were handling his advances accordingly.

I think Jeruba is right. I can see that you might have felt differently if you had looked up to see the friendly gay neighbor looking out his window, or the elderly lady sipping her morning coffee and looking out her window. It’s precisely because of his unwanted advances that you interpret his accidentally catching you under clothed as some pervy behavior of his. I’m asking you to take a step back and see if there was anything you might have done (not putting on underwear before going outside) faulty.

@Aethelflaed Hahaha! That was awesome.

@Jude I’ve lived in apartments for years, and dammit I insist on being comfortable and making it my own space. No one is inviting attention by sipping coffee in a bathrobe while letting the dog pee.

Jeez.

“Why do I feel the need to defend my actions? This doesn’t seem right.” -you

I’m not asking you to defend your actions. I’m asking you to stop defending your actions.

Where I live, I don’t really feel comfortable going outside in my bathrobe. I only do it to pick up the paper off the front porch. I don’t really want anyone watching me. I feel a little better going out in my back yard, but I still know that a lot of people can see me and might be judging me.

Just for the record, my comment about keeping the bathrobe wrapped up tight was in no way a reference towards or a shifting the “blame” of, for any unwanted attention. Simply a caution when obviously dealing with a persistent person. I, in no way, agree that what one is wearing gives license for lewdness, but, it is just common sense to not tempt strays you don’t intend to feed and want to go away. lol

Something about the neighbor’s behavior is just plain hinky. Most people learn basic relationship boundaries by adulthood. From the description, this neighbor has crossed the line, whether he intends to or not. In either case, the problem still exists and needs to be resolved. Otherwise, you will have the situation lurking in what should be your most comfortable environment.

He has asked you out more than once, despite knowing your relationship status. The next time he does this, how about saying, “Are you asking me out on a date?” and wait for his response. If he says, “no”, it can either be let go of or followed up with some clarifying statement of relief. If he says “yes”, it’s time to lay out the fact that you aren’t interested.

Simple, go out for a drink, talk of nothing but your g/f, then have her spontaneously show us and go through a rather lingering PSA with “make no mistake but publically suitable hand placement”, then say “I am just out with an acquaintance, I will be home soon, be wearing my favorite teddy for me when I get home.” He would either have to be Helen Keller or Forest Gump times 5 not to get that hint.