How would you describe this situation?

I think he had forgotten what happened and it was a CYA statement. More age than gender related.

He did not give it to you, he stuck it in your purse, two totally different things in my mind also. If you are unaware you have it, he can’t say it was given to you in my opinion. He can say, “I put the papers in your purse.”

What @janbb and @JLeslie said.

I’m with @JLeslie. This is why people say all the time that communication is so important, it prevents needless arguments.

I’ll describe it as the “What the…?!” situation.

A child of yours or mine may have done the same thing and in their minds, classified that as “giving’ and then completely crossed it off their mental list and moved on.
As a woman, I would never just put something in another woman’s purse, not even my mom or sister. Nor my husband’s wallet.
Maybe he feels comfortable enough with you to, what I consider, invade your purse and put something in it. But what if it hadn’t been secured and it had dropped out without either of you knowing?
Common courtesy would dictate, at the very least, SAYING something at the time.

Now, if @janbb is right, which sounds very possible, then he needed to back off during the argument. Men are not very good at that. Men generally hate to be wrong, so they will insist they are right. They have fragile ego’s.

@Trillian I would not have a problem with my mom, sister, husband putting something in my purse, but as you said, they need to tell me when they do it.

I think I can see what he means. To a guy, a woman’s purse seems to be kind of an appendage to her person. What crosses the frontier of the purse somehow enters into her domain. There’s nothing about the “giving a person something” that necessarily implies that they’re aware of having been given the thing. If I deposit money in your bank account without your knowledge, I’ve still given you money.

Hmmm.

@thorninmud Ok, but when I say to you, “I don’t know about any money,” would you still just say, “I gave it to you.” Or, realize you might have to clarify and say, “I deposited it in your account two weeks ago.”

Same thing if you had stuck papers in his briefcase without telling him. The answer isn’t “I gave them to you” the answer is “I stuck them in your briefcase or purse.”

@thorninmud may have something here. Some things are mentally reflexive. I once took a french fry off of someone’s tray at a fast food restaurant while I was still in line. I had it in my mouth before I realized that I did NOT know this person. I was so mortified, but how can you explain in a busy restaurant about reflexive actions? I did offer her another order of fries.
Regardless, I stand by my original point. He needs to realize that there was a very real chance of the papers becoming lost simply because she didn’t know they were there.
I don’t know how heated this argument was, but if tempers were flaring, I would suggest dropping it until later, then approaching it from another angle. The need to be “right” is an obstacle but it can be gotten around.

@JLeslie It would definitely be more precise to say “I put it in your purse”, just as it would be more precise to say “I handed it to you”. But both of those could be seen as falling into the larger category of “I gave it to you”.

I was raised that you didn’t touch a woman’s purse without her knowledge or consent. If I did something like that my mom would still tan my hide. In my family ‘I gave it to you’ would not cut it, unless I was told to put it in your purse.

@thorninmud Here’s the thing, it became an argument. I assume during the argument @marinelife said, “when? When did you give it to me?” Questioning her own memory. At that point I would hope her husband detailed how the “giving” was done. Then it would be nice if they, especially he, apologized for the misunderstanding instead of him standing on principle that he had “gven” it to her. I am making up how it all happened, I have no idea what they really said to each other. But, if her husband is still insisting she should have understood what he meant by give, I think he is dead wrong. Give implies all parties are aware.

@WestRiverrat I think you are dwelling on the purse being her private property, which is kind of what @Trillian said also, but I don’t get the sense the OP cares about her husband going into her purse. If you change the location to him giving the papers to her by leaving them on her nightstand, does it change things?

Note: The following is a drama-free play. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

landlife: Where is that paperwork?

husband: I gave it to you.

An argument occurs (“yes I did”, “no you didn’t”, “did too”, etc).
Landlife then goes and looks all over the place for the missing paperwork, eventually finding it in her purse.

landlife: I found the paperwork in my purse.

husband: See. I gave it to you.

landlife: I don’t consider you putting something into my purse to be appropriate, and I certainly don’t consider it “giving it to me”. Could you please refrain from putting things in my purse, and instead hand things directly to me?

husband: Sure. That makes sense.

Landlife and husband laugh at the whole thing, hug, and go for a walk together – completely freeing themselves of any resentment, etc.

THE END

@tom_g Oh, it’s one of those plays that starts off realistic, then take a surreal turn at the end.

@thorninmud – I left out the “then they have a little sexy time” part to keep the play appropriate for kids. This has made-for-television movie written all over it.

Thanks all for the input. In point of fact, we were laughing about it as I drove him to the station a few minutes ago.

@janbb was probably the closest. He remembered putting the papers somewhere that he felt was in my ken (like the front seat of the car) (!!!!!) so he said he gave them to me. But, literal soul that I am and being someone who remembers what she has said and done, I knew he had not given them to me.

We have chalked it up to our personal differences and moved on.

@janbb had an edge with some personal knowledge of the participants.

It’s not a gender thing. He’s wrong, but maybe he expected you to frequently look in your purse and find it before you asked?

You’re both right.

He gave it to you, but you were unaware of receiving it.

Happens all the time:

“Where’s that report?”
“I gave it to you.”
“What, I don’t have it.”
“Yes, you do – it’s in your in box.”

Does your husband tell you something, if you didn’t hear it?

That’s the one we get into. “I NEVER SAID YOU DIDN’T SAY IT! I SAID THAT I DIDN’T HEAR IT!”

I can’t be responsible if you don’t notice things that are perfectly obvious.

I said it to your face, but you didn’t hear it because maybe you were thinking about your toenails.

I put stuck it in your purse but you didn’t see it because when you looked at your purse, you weren’t really paying attention. That thing sticking out of it could have been anything.

It’s understandable. The thing is, that effective communication requires lots of error-checking. Most people don’t bother and so lots of things are not effectively communicated.

Did you read that?

Lot’s of things are not effectively communicated.

He is incorrect. If he was correct, you could be served a court summons by someone merely placing the papers in your purse.

You cannot be blamed for something in which you had no knowledge.

I had a similar situation, when my department banned smoking in police cars. I was on vacation when this order came out and I had no knowledge of the order. I was first lectured to, but in checking my name on a roster list for the day the order was read, it was discovered I was not at roll call and I was apologized to.

You cannot be blamed for something in which you had no knowledge.

“Giving” implies that the receiver is conscious of being given something. Putting the papers in your purse is NOT “giving” them to you, it is putting them in your purse with no disclosure. No, not a gender difference, a perception difference, and even then, “perceiving” to have given someone something is not the actual act of giving which would include an acknowledgment of such.
Why not find a way to use a little reverse psychology, “give” him his dinner by leaving it in the microwave and then telling him that you DID give him his dinner, he just needs to find it on his own. haha

Giving and receiving are two separate and distinct things.

We pay our bills the day we put the check in the mail. We “gave” them the money owed. They don’t (they CAN’T) receive payment until it’s in their hands, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t “give” it to them.

If someone put money in your purse, would you say they gave it to you?

Of course you would! Whether you’re immediately aware of it or not. In fact I have tucked money into someone’s purse before, when they didn’t want to let me pay for something. I would never say later that I didn’t give them the money – even though they may not be aware of receiving it for quite some time, or even never.

I have a husband who thinks that because he is thinking about something I must know all about it. His personality has made this into a passive aggressive art. Something gets messed up and I say, ‘Hey! You didn’t tell me that!’ and he replies, ‘You never asked.’ I thought I was crazy there for a while, but it turns out he has a form of Autism. There you go.

Putting something in your purse without telling you it is there is not the same as giving it to you and it sounds passive aggressive is this type of behaviour is a pattern.

@cazzie Oh God..I loathe passive aggressive behaviors…off with their heads! lol

My guess is he stuck it in your purse, forgot he had put it there and became frustrated with himself to where he got heated with you because he didn’t want to admit he didn’t remember. Ugh. I agree with others that is sounds familiar as an age related thing.

You should take it out of your purse and stick it in his wallet when he isn’t looking.

I am much more organized than my husband. Today, he told me he was putting something in the third drawer in a thing in his garage. He said he was telling me so when he forgets I will know where it is. Uh, okay.

I can’t fully answer this until I know what the winner gets.

Pride goeth before a fall. Time to serve that boy a nice plate of fat, juicy Crow. lol

I run into that a lot. It’s not a gender issue, it’s just an excuse to place blame on someone else, that everyone uses.

I have learned to ask “Well, did you see what I did with it after you gave it me? I don’t remember getting it.”

That works better as you get older @YARNLADY. ROFL

@bkcunningham I thought about that as I wrote it. They are used to grandma saying “I don’t remember”.

@YARNLADY, I’m interested in you heritage. I’m part Cherokee.

I am still laughing over @Trillian stealing a stranger’s french fry!

There is an aspect of autism that convinces folks that everyone around them knows what they mean, when they did not communicate it in any noticeable way.
I know people of both genders that demonstrate that behavior at least occasionally.