As someone who's been (perhaps hypothetically) sexually assaulted/raped, what would make things better for you?

Not thinking about it. I could never talk about it, so distracting myself is the best way to make it “better” for me.

Well…your Q. has many components, so in brief, yes, I’d report it and do whatever was needed to see the rapist get the maximum punishment/ treatment for their issues.
I think the only way out of the trauma would be to accept that rape happens, and sadly it happened to you.
I would find forgiveness in the sense that it was not “personal” meaning, the act was not about you, it was about the mental illness of another knowing a sane and healthy person would never resort to sexual violence against another.

Not constantly being reminded of it, especially in a way that repeatedly reinforces the thought that I am now damaged and need special attention and treatment. While it may be true, the act of reinforcing it just increases the psychological damage far beyond what the initial act may have caused.
In fact, it could be that, if raped, I would just brush it off initially, and get over it like I would after getting beat up at school, and that the actual psychological scarring is then created afterwards by people telling me, over and over and over, how horrible it all was.
There was a case in Germany, where in a small town, several parents were accused of having molested their children. The children were handed over to psychologists and they testified that their parents molested them.
In the end, it turned out that none of them had in fact been molested and that these false memories, complete with psychological scarring, were unwittingly planted there by the psychologists during the questioning sessions.

Personally, my dream recovery would be to go back in time, take a pair of pliers with me, and squeeeeeeeeeeze his assaulting member as hard as my thirteen year old hands could manage, ‘til it turned purple and he ran downstairs crying to his mommy. I’m not forgiving of that sort of thing.

I’m actually good friends with his mother, and I’ve never told her what he did because I didn’t want to hurt her.

I don’t think anything could make me better for a long, long, time. This rips my heart out, how anyone could do this to another person.

@Adirondackwannabe Is there anything that would help, that would speed the process up a bit? Or, alternatively, simply fail to make things worse?

A lot of love with no expectation of sex for a while would help. Just comforting my inner soul for a while I guess.

In a perfect world I would report the crime, a rape counsellor would then be appointed who would listen to me and walk me through the health (physical and emotional), and legal processes. I would not be judged and the police officers involved would be professional while they investigated my report. If it went to court, and I hope it would, I would be treated respectfully by both the prosecution and defence and my reputation would not be dragged through the mud.

In truth, I didn’t report it. I felt guilty because somehow I ended up drunk (I think he slipped something in my drink), and I just wanted the whole thing to go away. I just blanked it out and really didn’t deal with it. I didn’t tell my family because I didn’t want to upset people. I also remembered my father’s response when my sister was raped by a complete stranger. I did tell a girlfriend who told me ‘oh that happens to all women’.

I don’t know that there is a clear answer to any of these questions because every individual and every circumstance is so different. I do wish we could find a way for there to be no need to ask this question.

Regainins trust in the world. Trying to feel safe again.—I’m a little taken aback by this question. Hypothetically raped? I’m not sure one can ever imagine what it’s like to be so violated.

@tinyfaery I included the hypothetically raped mostly because of the idea of insidious trauma. I would mostly agree with you, except that I also think that there are many people (mostly women) who are so exposed to the idea that, at any time, they could be raped, that it has an effect on their psyche, and I didn’t want to discount any insight they might have. And, many people have experienced other forms of abuse that, while not the same, are similar enough that they also might have some good ideas.

As my experience was having everyone around me drop the ball after I was raped I would say that my ideal experience would have been to have the person I choose to confide in support me 100%. That support would look like being there for me emotionally, gently guiding me to the nearest hospital and being with me as I was examined and interviewed by police. I would access help via the Rape Crisis Centre which in RL was a joke and they would help me access emergent therapy.

Cops would be gentle and respectful and when done with me would go out and arrest the asshole who raped me. The court system would charge him. I would be gently led through the criminal prosecution all the while getting much needed therapy.

Society would not look down on me nor judge me for what I was wearing. Nor would they use my past sexual behaviour as reason why the rape wasn’t a rape.

Perhaps maybe if things had panned out this way for me I wouldn’t have spent 4 years of my life trying end my life.

Probably the circumstances of the rape would affect what I needed to make things better. If I was grabbed randomly and raped by a stranger, I would become ultra paranoid of being by myself anywhere. I pretty much am very alert anyway in the circumstance. I already always lock everything. I generally try not to walk to my car alone in big parking lots, especially at night. I don’t talk on the phone or text while walking typically, I have my attention on my surroundings. I would probably report this type of rape to the authorities.

If it was a date rape scenerio I think my trust of men would go way way down. I am not sure if I would report it, I think I would.

I also think it is very very difficult to know what I would do without having gone through it. I think rape is so traumatic, it is hard to imagine how one would react.

I do think dwelling on it too long can contribute to PTSD. I believe in talk therapy, and time to be upset about it, I would be very very upset for a long time probably, but there is something to be said for those who can out it behind them and move forward.

I’ve read various studies regarding the holocaust, which seemed to show about 50/50 if talking things out is better than pushing it to the back of their minds and not talking about it. I think probably people handle these things differently and it just matters specific to the individual.

I definitely would want whoever I did tell to take it seriously, be supportive, and listen to me as long as I do need to talk and cry.

Chopping the rapist in half, lengthwise, from groin to shoulder, with one blow of a razor-sharp two-handed sword.

I would report it, and go through whatever hospital/police/judicial processes were required. Ideally, I would be comforted and not judged, all along the way, and my husband would be my rock, and would not view me any differently. I would want the offender to be locked up, not for punishment or revenge, but to spare other women the same fate. I may or may not need therapy, but if I did, I would get it asap.

A young lady named Alison Botha was raped in South Africa 17 years ago. South Africa probably has the highest rape incident in the world, or near to. What made hers different was she was left for dead. Her stomach was slashed open after the rape and she literally carried her entrails as she crawled to safety. The two men that raped her are now petitioning to be set free from prison. Alison’s throat was also slashed through to her voice box. What makes me answer with this is, she has gone on to be one of the biggest motivational, emotive speakers in our country. Brining hope, advice, and life AFTER the rape. I do not know how to paste things here, but her name is Alison Botha, South Africa. She not only assists rape victims, but also the people who are damaged around the victim, or their survivors as she calls it. For her, sharing, being open, about the hurt and pain and her own journey has been healing for her. She has also written a book “I have life” and that pretty much sums up her attitude. There was no way; this brutal horrific incident was going to ruin her life forever.

Torturing the rapist. Hypothetically.

In an ideal world (that apparently includes rape):

My experiences of rape would be known and believed to be true – the stories must be told/heard.
You have to be a victim before you can be a survivor – let me go through the process that a victim has every right to (in my own time). Don’t tell me to pick myself up, dust off and move on.
I would have 100% support from my family and friends.
I would be told that it was not my fault – I did not ask for it.
I would not be seen as tainted or ruined in any manner.
I would be given professional treatment for however long I needed the support.
A rape kit would be done in a much more understanding and respectful manner (I want the option to be put to sleep during this process) – I am not a case file or number – I have been utterly violated to the core of my being and you want to take pictures…and put what where?
My attackers would be known to the world (even if it’s just locally).
My attackers would publicly and privately admit/confess what they have done – how dare they lie to my face.
My attackers would get the treatment they need/deserve – whether it’s rehabilitation and/or incarceration (or even castration).
My “story” would help at least one other who needs it.
I am a survivor.

Call me old fashioned but I wouldn’t be satisfied until all the perpetrators were dead.

Rape is 2nd only to murder in my book. If I were in charge of the planet we’d castrate every rapist, and then kill them in some horrific manner.

@tedd WOOHOO! Castration party! I’ll bring my pliers and the two men who seriously wronged me. What time is good for you?

lol, anytime

I have no pity for rapists.

Oh, definitely if they went to prison and raped themselves would be nice. Maybe know they wound up in the prison infirmary after being knifed because some other prisoner was teaching him a lesson. The US will give the death penalty to a killer, eye for an eye I guess, too bad we don’t have that thought process for rapist.

I would feel enraged. I also know enough about how cops and the justice system handle that kind of thing to be able to better advocate for myself. I can pass as a white woman who knows how to use ‘educated’ language and I might have a better chance of prosecuting whoever did this to me and of getting a conviction. That, however, would be only part of the matter. I would probably amp up some of my anti-sexism activism.

pretty much the opposite of what was actually done
I would want people to ask me questions and not pretend that rape is not able to be talked about. I would want people to listen and respond naturally, but not have wording or tones that make me wonder if they are blaming me for what happened.
I would want the police to give me days to give my statement, instead of rushing me through agreeing to a statement that ended up quite false.
I would want him to be arrested.
I would want a good lawyer who cared about me and my case.
I would want a rape crisis counselor to come to my house and not insist that (as a teenager) I take the city bus (which I had never taken before) by myself to her office.
I would want my father and brother to be outraged. I would want them to go to his house and confront him and his father.
I would want him to be forced to take rapid STD tests and be provided with the results.
I would want to be rallied around… loved and supported.
I would want people to get my permission before touching me.
I would want people to not assume that having an abortion would “fix” anything.
I would want him to be brought into account for his actions.
I would want him to pay the court a severe and ongoing fine, which would be invested on my and my child’s behalf.
I would want him, his family members and his friends to not be able to contact me.
I would want to move and have my address not be public. I would want to be able to go outside without fear of being assaulted or my child abducted.
I would want the furniture on which the assault occurred to be replaced.
I would want to be eligible for public assistance without naming my child’s “father” (because refusing to name him rendered me ineligible).

@Shippy But what about you? (And as a side note, unless this woman has herself said that this incident ruined her life forever, it’s not really appropriate to put that on her and assume that her life is forever ruined).

This seems like the best place for telling people about this. It wasn’t sexual assault/rape if you go by the laws today. But it made me feel very dirty afterwards. It felt wrong, I think.

I was twelve years old, I am now thirteen.

I was with my step-dad in his Semi truck over summer vacation away from school. I knew something was wrong about the air around him lately. It felt out of place. I finally confronted him about it and he told me the liked me in the sexual kind of way.
A few days later, it happened. The details of how it started are very fuzzy. I’m not going into great detail about the parts I do remember either.

I remember the emotions I felt very strongly. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it during the actions. My emotions were conflicting and it made me very confused. I felt dirty and was screaming ‘no’ in my head, but outside I was still as a statue. I had a lot of trouble forming words because I was so nervous. This happened on three separate occasions. Each one was in the same truck, on the same trip. When I got back home, it felt like everyone knew. I felt so terrible.

Afterwards, I felt I needed to take a shower. No matter how long I stayed under the water with soap, scrubbing every touchable piece of skin, I never felt clean. I still don’t.
I haven’t told anyone because I’m not sure how they would react. I was so confused, and I still am now. I feel it is safe to let it out here so I can carry on without the burden. I feel so gross. Lately, I’ve had dreams about it. They would all be in great detail and when I woke up, I felt like vomiting.

I don’t like to even see Semi trucks anymore. They make me physically sick.

@BBawlight I’m sorry that happened to you, and I’ve been there, too. Please tell someone about it.

@BBawlight If you were twelve years old at the time, then it was sexual assault/rape by the laws today. If nothing else, it was statutory rape.

@BBawlight That totally counts as sexual assault/rape. You need to tell someone ASAP.

@BBawlight You need to talk to some kind of counselor. You did nothing wrong. But if you don’t get some help it will eat you up inside. Do you have anyone at all you can tell in confidence?

Hey, see at the top of the question where it asks those who have been raped what they need, not what other people think those who have been raped should do or need? Let’s get back to that, please.

Well excuse the hell out of me, but she’s only 13 frikkin years old, and someone needs to know about this. She’s a minor, and this isn’t “regular rape”. She’s a victim of child molestation and this needs to be taken to a parent and the authorities.

@WillWorkForChocolate No. You don’t get to decide what she needs. She gets to decide what she needs, including if she tells someone, who she tells (have you noticed all the people on this thread saying that the parents and authorities weren’t there for them? That’s why you don’t just knee-jerk respond that the parents and authorities need to know), when she tells. Rape and sexual assault are a loss of control. Know what else is a loss of control? Having some stranger on the internet decide that you, due to your age, are too stupid to know your own situation and self best. The very act of her deciding if, who, and when to tell might be just the kind of empowering thing that might help her. Stop this patronizing bs right now.

[mod says] A little bit of off-topic is appropriate in this case. That said, we are handling this, so please move on, folks.

I wish my mother had fully supported me when I told her about my sexual abuser (not my father) and had helped me get counseling and feel protected. While my life was certainly not ruined, I carried a big burden of shame an unncessarily long time.

I wish my friends and family had been more supportive. At best, they were indifferent or emotionally unavailable. At worst, one of them implied that I must have “asked for it” by the way I dressed (even though I was wearing baggy jeans and an old sweater at the time). Although I managed to recover on my own and with support from my SO, just a few kind words from family and friends would’ve meant so much during that time in my life.

@Aethelflaed I never said her life was ruined forever, that was the whole point.

Just one point, sometimes people don’t know how to show support, or show it in a way that does not help the victim. The intention is to be supportive, and the action just isn’t right, not what the person really needed.

This thread makes me really sad.

I want what @Cupcake and @tranquilsea and @Plucky want, for them and every victim.

I would also grant pretty much any request of the victim that was possible, especially including pretty much any penalty she might want to issue against the perpetrator. In my mind, people who completely overpower others, making them fear for their lives, and violate them, have forfeited just about all of their rights to the victim.