Are there forms of touch that are sexual sometimes and sometimes not, for you?

Hugging a child, to me, means safety.

Hugging a friend, means you can depend on me.

Hugging your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend means the spark is still there.

Hugging a wannabe girlfriend/boyfriend is how long it lasts and its feelings.

Hugging a cop could get you arrested.

I love hugging everyone. Real hugs.

However, if the hug has the other person pressing sexy parts against mine, no: that’s for lovers.

I don’t like hugs… I don;t know why. I’ve just never felt comfortable whilst hugging anyone. Even as a kid when my mum or gran used to hug me I used to shrug them off. I just don’t like people touching or holding me like that…
To be honest I often notice people around me hug each other quite casually, like between friends whilst talking or joking or stuff like that, and I think to myself, why can’t I hug people like that? So easily? Like it’s no big deal? I don’t know. You would be quite lucky if you got a hug from me, or if I let you hug me.

I can hug my significant other without it being a sexual gesture. I can also kiss him without it being a sexual gesture. I think most forms of touch that I engage in can be severed from my sexual personality. That doesn’t mean that I don’t often engage in them with some sentiment of sexuality, but that it does not have to dictate my motions.

“Hugging a cop could get you arrested killed.”
There, I fixed that for you. :)

Very few things other than actual sex have to be sexual. I kiss grandma, doctors handle pretty much any body part you complain about, and I love hugging me some kids.

There’s no reason any of those have to be sexual or diminish the same act with a sexual intent.

just an observation, I don’t know anyone here well enough to know if it applies to them specifically

You hugged people well before anything in your life was sexually driven so if there’s a problem separating the two now, perhaps you’ve over sexualized your life or certain aspects of it?

Some people can’t look at someone they find attractive and not connect them immediately to sex, that seems like it would put both at a disadvantage and often make things uncomfortable.

Maybe find beauty and joy in things besides sex and it would stop seeming so deadened without being sexually charged every minute.

Every touch I give every person means something different depending upon who that person is and what they mean to me. Friend, acquaintance, SO, family, random sexual partner. My 3 year old nephew kisses me (and in fact, everyone) on the lips, but I’m not about to have sex with him! Other than that, kissing on the lips is reserved for those I am in a physically intimate relationship with. Hugging for me usually is not about sex at all, even when it is with my SO. I see it more as a sweet loving gesture than a suggestive one.

Yes. I don’t consider hugs to be sexual or even kisses on the cheek/occasionally the mouth.

I love being hugged. I never shut down or need to shut down a sexual thought. I just enjoy the warmth of that moment. I understand the context of each hug. Hugs are so underated and rare.

hugs mean nothing. you can hug someone that has a ‘free hugs’ T-shirt on as passionately as you hug your girlfriend. Hugging is not a useful indicator. I think eye contact is the real indicator here.

Just touching the hand of someone can be quite sexual, depending on the person. Usually it doesn’t mean anything at all, but there’s a special little zing, with that special person, that means a lot more. (race you to the bedroom)

To me, a hug is special. It should show real affection, not fake affection. It should say the person cares. It should indicate specialness. If it doesn’t (and truthfully, most hugs aren’t special), it feels like a lie to me. I don’t like it.

As far as sexuality is concerned, I think that sexuality can not be separated from the rest of my being. Everything I do, whether it’s typing to fluther or making love to my wife, contains a certain about of my sexual energy. I don’t understand how people can separate that out and turn it off. I’m not like that. Sex is a part of everything, as is love and friendship and silliness and fear and joy and momentum and everything else that I am.

I don’t want to have sex with my friends, but I am aware that there is sexuality in everything that people do. Most people try to deny it, I think. But it’s there. It’s a much a part of their personality when they are doing their taxes as it is when they are riding a bike or driving or going out on a date. It may not play much of a role at those other times, but it’s there.

It is especially more there when you touch people because touch is so much an expression of sexuality. The touch may not be about sex at all, but the sexuality is still in it, I think.

But maybe I’m missing something. Possibly I’m perverted. Or obsessed. I’d prefer to think that I acknowledge things that most people have trouble dealing with, but I could be the one who is sick, I suppose.

@wundayatta project much? The sexuality is in your mind, not other peoples. It sounds to me like you need to think other people have the same mind set as you so you can feel ok about your thoughts. Look back at the content of your questions. The main thread is generally sexual in nature.
Look at what other people ask about. Can you not see the differences? People ask about the things that they find important. For many of us, sex is not it. We don’t obsess about it, but relegate it to a place of lesser importance.
It’s part of us, but not of the high priority that you assign it.
“but I am aware that there is sexuality in everything that people do. Most people try to deny it, I think. But it’s there.”
Um, no it isn’t. That’s YOU, not them. The ability to ride a bike is part of me, I learned long ago, but it isn’t an underlying beast, lurking in my thoughts anymore than sex is. It’s called having a sense of proportion.

But it does lurk in your thoughts, I think. You’re just not aware of it. It doesn’t appear in your conscious mind, but I think in your non-linguistic minds, there’s a lot more going on. It’s because you are a whole person whether you want to be or not. Your mind handles a lot of stuff, but only feeds a bit of it up to your conscious, linguistic brain—the one you think of as your thinking brain.

The rest of it goes on in the dark, and since you aren’t aware of it, you think it isn’t happening. I’m not sure what to do to prove to you that sex is involved in your mind all the time, even if you are not aware of it. I guess it’s just theory and we’ll have to wait to see whether I am right or not.

But theoretically speaking, how do you separate yourself out into different parts? What happens to the parts that are not active at the moment? Where do they go? What are they doing? How can you handle all those separatenesses?

Thanks for taking me on on this. Either you’re brave, foolish, or both. I think most people think I’m just off the wall, and what I say makes so little sense, it’s not worth engaging.

Well, I think that we all have the ability to compartmentalize ourselves to one degree or another. I wear a lot of different hats, and when I wear one, my other components take a back seat.
But we are more than the sum of our parts.
I can’t convince you that I’m not thinking about sex all the time any more than you can convince me that I am. I think I’m a little more qualified to know what’s going on in my head than you are.
I can tell by the things you post that you think about sex way more than I do. I’ve posted before that I thought about it quite a bit when I was in my previous relationship. But I didn’t think about sex with other people, just him.
This is how I’m different from you. I am first aware of a man when I listen to him speak. I become attracted to him over time, as I get to know him. I’ve certainly been attracted to a man physically and even acted on it. But that was MANY years ago. In the past twenty years of my life I can say that I have thought about sex mostly in the abstract. I don’t look at a man and want to have sex with him. I can look at Karl Urban and appreciate how attractive he is without wanting to be intimate with him.
And maybe that’s the other part of it. For me, sex equates with intimacy. It is not a casual thing. I don’t just have sex with random people, I MUST have a connection on another level. I seem to be in the minority in this.
I know there are many here who seem to ONLY be able to relate to people sexually. The only thing they judge by is whether or not they want to have sex with a person.
That’s not who I am. So maybe your inability to see life through my eyes is your willingness to perform an act without needing the deeper connotation. Which reduces it to simply scratching an itch.
Do you see? That may be why we are not going to come to terms here. You think about scratching you itch which won’t ever go away, I think in terms of deeper intimacy.

(Dear God, can I look at Karl Urban and appreciate how attractive he is. Hoo-ah!)

A plethora of things can be sexual and non-sexual all at the same time. Consider the long long long list of fetishes that exist out there. I have read a fetish list and some of those things I thought “OH YEAH GIGGITY GIGGITY”. others I thought “hmmm I wonder what that is like” & yet others I thought “really?!? THAT actually turns someone on? how weird is that?”

Sexual energy does exist even in situations that aren’t normally thought of as sexual and I’d say that there’s nothing wrong with that at all. To me the place where something “wrong” occurs with regard to sexuality is when there is a situation of non-consent or below the age of consent type scenarios. Most people would relate that to physical things but I’d take it further and relate it to emotions, intent, energy/chemistry etc.

I’d also say that someone may be more hyper-sensitive to their sexual energies, thoughts and urges if they don’t have sufficient outlet or if there is some current or past psychological scenario that has created an underlying feeling of guilt within them about those feelings which are natural in their system. For instance, when I read your initial question something jumped out at me..

”And of course, since I’m married, there is really only one person I am allowed to have sexual feelings towards.”

When I read that I felt a little bad that anyone would feel that way & wondered what the awareness was when you wrote that. Why is it that marriage means that there is forever only one person that we are allowed to have feelings toward? I’ve been with my partner almost 8 years and have not cheated etc. but that sure doesn’t mean that I haven’t had sexual feelings or urges toward people outside my relationship. I believe it’s healthy for both people in a relationship to recognize that we are human after all is said and done and sexual urges are a part of being human. There’s a difference between actually acting upon a sexual urge in a way that is not acceptable or agreed upon in your relationship and fantasizing or thinking about sex now and then in regard to someone. For instance, my partner and I have what is commonly referred to as a “gimme list” it’s a list of 5 famous people who we have an extremely small likelihood of actually meeting and even if we did there would likely not be sufficient time to convince them to have a “hook up”. Those people are freebies – so if I happen to run into Janet Jackson or Angelina Jolie & can manage to prompt them into some freaky fun I have a free pass. Additionally, if I happen to see someone with great cleavage or sexy arms or some thighs that look like they need to be nibbled upon – there’s no harm in pointing that fact out to my partner. There’s a difference between that which is normal and not being ashamed or nervous about the reality of it or expressing it & acting on it in a manner that may create justified shame or that may be improper.

I say we are all too strict on ourselves with regard to sexuality and sexual urges. Perhaps it’s the societal/cultural nature of whatever country we happen to live in to create repression overall, perhaps it’s that we were born with fearful and prudish parents. Perhaps we were abused as children and need to heal our wounds to move forward. Who knows? All I do know is that we are animals and sexual energy/chemistry/feelings are normal.

@Trillian Interesting you should put it that way. See, I would say the same thing. Sex is about intimacy. It is not casual. It is, in fact, connected to everything. That is how I have difficulty understanding how people can separate it out. It is only if you separate it out that you can just have sex, it seems to me. Yet, here you are saying that not only can you separate it, but somehow that separation connects it with everything else. This does not compute to me.

I suspect that inside we are probably the same, but somehow we are using words in very different ways. But I’m not clear where we diverge in order to get to the different places we have ended up at. I suspect that things are what I would call integrated inside you. If they weren’t, you wouldn’t be able to have sex equal to intimacy.

But for me, the implication of that connection is that the connection is always there. I can’t separate them. Intimacy carries with it connotations of all the different ways of expressing intimacy. I can’t turn them off.

I can focus on one mode at a time, but everything else is always there, connected, because I am a whole person, not a being made up of parts. The parts are certainly less than the whole.

@Jenniehowell I say we are all too strict on ourselves with regard to sexuality and sexual urges. Perhaps it’s the societal/cultural nature of whatever country we happen to live in to create repression overall, perhaps it’s that we were born with fearful and prudish parents. Perhaps we were abused as children and need to heal our wounds to move forward. Who knows? All I do know is that we are animals and sexual energy/chemistry/feelings are normal.

Yes! I think that expresses my anthem pretty much perfectly. There is a lot of weirdness about issues of sex in American society and on fluther, too, I think. I work on a college campus and am around young women all the time. At this time of year, most of the clothes are suddenly gone and there are many more erogenous zones on display. I am not going to do anything except look, but if you suspect I feel guilty for looking, then you are right.

I do feel guilty and I always have, and I don’t know what it would take for that to go away. Maybe I ask these questions to help myself work that through. Trying to come to some agreement with myself about what is ok and that the disapproval of society, or my perception that society disapproves when I look—well hopefully that will go away.

@wundayatta hmmm – the guilt – a tough one to cure cause it’s gotta be narrowed down to an initial cause for the guilt.

I choose to look at those sorts of scenarios (hot chicks all around me that I can do nothin about outside of dreaming) in the same way I may look at situations where I may be on a diet. I use the common phrase “just because you’re on a diet, doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu”. A funny little reference to the concept of checking out women who aren’t your wife, but if you think about it….. would you feel guilty if you happen to get a little goo goo on the inside when you looked at a menu for food when you were on a diet?

I don’t think most people would – I think most people would perhaps feel a bit frustrated they couldn’t partake or afraid they may accidentally cheat but until they actually do partake they don’t feel guilty & in fact I’d go even further to bet that when they approach that edge without cheating on their diet they probably praise themselves on some level whether inwardly or outwardly. It’s a nice little reminder that even though they have human urges they also have control of them & are advanced enough to not just follow every animal urge to feed a part of themselves be it their ego or their belly.

I say look at it as if you’re looking at a menu – see something good…. salivate a bit…. have a sneaky thought in the back of your mind what you could do if you had access to that item from the menu… fight the urge and then move on praising yourself for not having snuck a sample or a bite.

Well decades without cheating…. on my diet. You’d think I’d be skinny by now. I’m not a bit worried about these young women. They’d think I was a creep anyway, if I tried something. But there is still that idea in my head that you just don’t even look. Like somehow even looking at someone else says you aren’t happy at home. And of course, during those decades there have been times when I wasn’t happy at home. There were also times when I was happy. But the looking goes on no matter what.

sounds like a good and healthy plan to me…..

the looking I mean.

I think how you touch (or are touched) is as crucial as much as where this touch occurs.
As a dancer, I think I am generally more comfortable touching, hugging, massaging people without it being sexual. However, being in Hong Kong I find that culturally, touching between the opposte sexes tends to be more charged than I prefer. Sigh.

Untying a shoe can be sensual if done right.

Interesting thread. I think @linguaphile has hit it on the head, though, in just one sentence. Anything can be sensual, even erotic, given intent. It is intent that gives our physical interactions meaning. The hug I give a friend (and in my subculture, hugging is an important part of social interaction) has the intent of a greeting, a demonstration of friendship. The hug I give my grandmother is a token of familial love; my intent is to show my affection for my relative. The hug I give my beloved is far more intimate, more sensual, and of course, erotic. But even then, there are different kinds of hugs within that ultimate relationship. A hug I give when I leave for work, or when I return from a trip, may be given to the person I am most intimate with, but it has a different intent than when I am horny, passionate, and ready for sexual intimacy.

All physical interaction is intimate, but all physical interaction is done with intent, with communication. Our voices are not the only way we communicate; our gestures, our touches, our non-verbal cues are just as equally valid ways of communicating. Sex may be the epitome of intimacy to some, but there are other actions, other gestures, other forms of physical expression that one may consider equally sacred, or even more so.

Consider the prostitute—for her, sex is a profession. Yet the kiss she gives her boyfriend or husband has a far different intimacy, a different meaning, than anything she does with her clientele. Which do you think is more intimate? The coitus she performs daily, or the expression of love she chooses to give freely?