What kinds of things do divorced women of a certain age look for in relationships?

Seems to me that you and the players involved are making serious generalizations based on your own experiences. If you want to ask those specific women (from that q), I don’t see the need for this q.

Haha….okay..I’ll bite.

What I would be looking for, if I was looking, is someone who has done a fair amount of personal growth work, is self aware and in touch with who they are and has strong communication/ self expression skills. Someone who is not still operating from their relationship programming and has examined their relationship belief system and is able to separate past from present and relate from a state of present moment awareness, not rote programming.

I don’t consider a weekend relationship to be a “player” thing, it works for some people, but, in my particular case, knowing myself as well as I do, and being very clear on what I do and don’t want, I am just not that interested in the “work” and energy needed to invest in a relationship at this time. I like my uncomplicated lifestyle, and I am not sexually or emotionally deprived enough to travel for sex and companionship. lol

It IS possible to be content without relationship and I am, at least for now and the last few years.
@Simone_De_Beauvoir Observations are not necessarily generalizations. There is much truth in certain observations and every generation leans towards a particular mindset to one degree or another.
My whole point, the unexamined programming is not appealing to me at all these days, I’ve come far to far in my growth and evolution and finding a semi “enlightened” male is like looking for a needle in a haystack. They do exist, but good luck sorting through 40 tons of moldy hay to find one. lol

It seems like a complex place to be. What is one supposed to do if you don’t want to mess around, and don’t want a serious commitment? I guess this is how “cat ladies” were established? Lol.

@Blackberry LOL…you might be on to something there. haha
Yeah, well, also, for me, geographically speaking, living 35–40 miles out of the city depending on destination, well, the pickins’ are slim up here in the hills so to give myself the best chance of finding someone that interested me I have to be willing to commute for a relationship. The local yokels just don’t turn me on, and most people out here are either retired couples, young families that wanted to move to the country or redneck, 40 paks of Coors lite a night types. Whats a bright and pretty bohemian gal to do? lol

I’m new to this game, not sure what “certain age” I am, and not at all sure what kind of relationships I might be looking for – now or in the future. And I will only speak for myself, not interested in generalizations. One thing I am sure of is that I will only want to be with a man who is interested in listening to me at least as much as he is interested in talking about himself. I want honesty, I want mutual nurturance, I want intellectual compatibility and I want kindness. That’s the short list for now. (Oh – and humor.)

@janbb Agreed. No more egos the size of Texas.

@Coloma There’s that as well: the lack of choice for a partner. Everyone settles to some degree, because no one is perfect, but you don’t want to lower your standards so much you know you’re making a mistake.

It’s better to just stay alone if you can’t find the right person, it seems.

@Blackberry Absolutely. :-)

Well, I plan to test the waters a bit before deciding…

I am a divorced woman of a certain age and then some. Eleven years ago at a high school reunion, I hooked up first with one and then with another of my former classmates.

I did know how they behaved in third grade, which AP courses they took in HS and who their parents were, so I had a head start. They both lived 100 or so miles away, which was perfect. We’d visit for a day or so or a week-end here or there and didn’t need to waste time in courtship.

Neither of them expected that I was looking for a serious and permanent hook-up, although one did take a bit of persuading. It was great fun and it was just one of those things.

One of them got clingy and whiny so I needed to end things. He still sends me plaintive emails occasionally. I am cheerful and give him mainly news about Milo.

I no longer am looking, which is a good thing, as the pickings in rural NYS are pretty thin.

@gailcalled Haha…love it! Yes, us country girls, the pickins’ are slim, infact, some of them are even named “Slim” and Floyd and Otis and Tex.

This is par for the course….

” I’m a deer hunter how do ya do? I’ve got a deer huntin’ tale I’ll tell you, had ‘em in my sights but ran outta luck, sure woulda’ liked to bag that 30 point buck”....”

My girlfriends who are divorced, initially usually are not looking for any men at all. They finally feel free after getting through the difficult emotions of going through the divorce. Eventually when they do date they seem to look for men who are not controlling, who don’t take them for granted, who are financially stable, and who enjoy doing things. Enjoy going out to eat or travelling. The women usually do not want to take on a very domestic role again, after doing it the first time around. The men don’t have to pay for everything, but they usually are paying for most things. If the women have kids under 18, they would want to know, try to get an idea, that the men like children, and would not be put off by family dinners and trips, and this is way before they ever invite the guy to meet their kids.

I have to be honest. When I divorced, I was going to live @Coloma‘s lifestyle. I didn’t have to have a man in my life to be happy. I didn’t want a man to be my timekeeper, my accuser, my critic, my banker…I didn’t want any of that. All these ideas reflected on my prior marriage. After several months, it occurred to me that I really did want a man in my life, just not anoter man like my ex.

I called a friend and said that I had a real awakening. I’m not the kind of person who is happy living alone. I wanted a partner to laugh with me, to have conversations with me, to share and live out dreams, to look into my eyes when we talked, to hold me for no reason except because he likes the way it feels, to travel with, to make love to, to just be with me and watch television and to make eye contact when I glanced and laughed at a punch line. I wanted someone who would walk through the grocery store with me to shop and who would come up behind me for no reason and hold me around the waist and plant a kiss on my neck.

I didn’t want someone with an addiction problem or anger issues.. Nor did I want someone raising children, unemployed or who had to report to a parol officer.

@JLeslie Yep, my sentiments exactly.
@bkcunningham Nothing wrong with either choice, it’s all about knowing yourself and what you really want. :-)

That is EXACTLY right, @Coloma.

@Coloma Ironically, I think most women want that in general. Women many times lose themsleves in marriage or let their husbands career and desires take the lead, and they they start to feel repressed in the marriage. If the marriage/men already had qualities of what I listed above, they probably would not be divorced. Having kids is an added stress. I always say women 60+ usually felt like they were slaves to their children and husbands, and now just want to be able to be left alone to do what they want to do. I think younger generations feel less that way, but it still exists.

@JLeslie ..yes, I agree.
Also, I have read, and truly believe this and the stats support it, that men benefit from ANY relationship but for a woman, if it is not a really GOOD relationship it is not in her best interest at all.
Right now, watching what several friends are experiencing it just isn’t all that appealing to me. Yes, the one friend has found herself going right back to being the head domestic, cooking every night, doing the laundry, and now that the guy has moved out she is really enjoying not doing all that stuff anymore.

The 2nd is living with a multiple millionaire veterinarian who is very controlling, they have been together for 5 years but he refuses to make a real commitment and so she is constantly reminded of the disparity in their finances and not only is she working her ass off around his huge property, caretaking 13 rescue dogs, working another job, and while he has put her in his will he refuses her any financial support in the moment. She needs dental work, a new car, and he offers no help yet happily allows her to “serve” his needs. Gah!

I feel sorry for her in some ways but also find I am losing respect for her allowing this inequity to continue.
I’ll tell you what, I’d choose homelessness before I prostituted myself and services for a man just to have some sort of “security” again. Security comes with a huge price tag for many women in our age bracket. No thanks…I’ll work 7 jobs before I let a man lord his finances over me. Bah!

@Coloma Thing is, if the men do have a good financial situation, they should hire people to do all that stuff in my opinion. Most Americans don’t think that way, while other countries do. Get a maid to clean, and hire someone to deal with the dogs.

@JLeslie Agreed. :-)

@Coloma wrote:

“I feel sorry for her in some ways but also find I am losing respect for her allowing this inequity to continue. I’ll tell you what, I’d choose homelessness before I prostituted myself and services for a man just to have some sort of “security” again. Security comes with a huge price tag for many women in our age bracket. No thanks…I’ll work 7 jobs before I let a man lord his finances over me. Bah!”

Amen, sister. I thoroughly agree. I have been relationship free for over 4 years now. I still look, but as others said the pickings are slim to none. As much as I would like to meet someone, I do love my independence.

@ram201pa Amen back at’cha and welcome to the pod. :-)

@ram201pa Haha ” relationship free” I like that.

Cocoa & slippers at bedtime?

@ucme Yes, and more! I can come home and rip off my clothes and pour a glass of wine and sit in my hot tub and have cheesecake for dinner and hog the entire bed to myself and there is nobody expecting anything from me, except the pets, and I adore them! lol
I don’t have to worry about conflicting desires, nobody snoring in my face, no piss on the toilet seat, no pressure to always be lookin’ good, no conflict with wanting to sleep in or wake up early and tiptoe around the house for hours. Nobody to consult with on anything I want to do, nobody hogging the remote, no weekend sports on TV and hey, I have turbo jets in the hot tub, my joke…no man can compete with the turbo jets.

Life is good! lol

I have all that and a husband, @Coloma. Well, except for hogging the entire bed and no weekend sports. I love NFL football. But I swear, I do honestly get your life. I really, really do. I admire you and hope you are having a blast in life.

@bkcunningham Truly, I am still high on my freedom after 9 years. Thing is I love people, men, women, kids, people…but yeah, and also, the longer you are single the more comfortable you get and the harder it is to imagine sharing communal space again.
I was joking last summer pulling down my driveway when I saw my contractor buddys work boots he left in my garage. Struck sheer terror in my heart! lololol ;-)

@Coloma Different sleep cycles and the house at different temperatures. Those are my two pet peeves.

@JLeslie Yes! I like having total control of the thermostat for sure! haha

My wife and I are friends with about 3 or 4 divorced women in their early 40s. They’re mostly looking for what @JLeslie described. That’s pretty much spot on.

@Blackberry I see nothing wrong with having my two cats :D

Interestingly, I have been saying the same thing since about my teens. Mommy just wants to be left alone to do what she wants to do. Seems my mom is like most. My parents are still married.

Respect. Someone who won’t drain their bank account. There are many other things that a person, male or female, would look for in a new relationship after divorce, but these two must be common factors.

”Mommy just wants to be left alone to do what she wants to do.”

@JLeslie: So you’ve met my wife. ;^)

@cprevite Do you hate it? My dad wants my mom to want to be with him more, to want to be with people and family in general. My mom is not a total loner or anything, but she likes to do her own thing a lot of the time, and she is not very possessive or clingy at all.

@JLeslie: No, it’s a little different with my wife. She loves spending time with me and our daughter. She just likes to do her thing, relax, have fun, work and not be bothered with laundry or chores or taxes or bills or extended family drama or home repairs, etc.

All I know for sure is that women don’t want a man with an ass as an avitar.

Or a picture of his penis…...........

The only thing worse than penis pictures and tatooed asses would be the asses that are also passive aggressive asses. OMG! If ever I was capable of murder it would be a PA person. Colomas silver hammer came down on his head…..lol

I’m not a divorced woman of a certain age, but I’d have to say stability and security would be very high on my list if I were.

I want what @bkcunningham has found. Unfortunately, it seems the men my age are pretty set in their lives or enjoy playing the field too much to settle down. Plus, for most of them, their children all over 18 and they don’t want kids (which I have 3).

I would have expected that feminism would have had more of an influence on men by now. But it sounds like my contemporaries are just as chauvinist as the men of my father’s generation back when I was a kid.

If you’re a man who can listen to a woman, and actually be interested in what she is talking about; if you’re a man who does his share of work inside the house as well as outside the house; if you’re a man who doesn’t go totally catatonic in front of the TV; if you’re a man with cultural interests; and if you’re a man of a certain age who enjoys women of a certain age, well, I bet you could have as many relationships as you could handle—especially if the women weren’t interested in having someone around full time.

Somehow, I would guess there aren’t a lot of guys like that out there. And perhaps, those who are like that are playing the field because of all the women who don’t want to settle down. Although I’m sure there’s someone for everyone who really wants them. That is, the numbers get more and more in favor of men as they get older, so a woman with particular taste might have to look harder to find him (or her) as she gets older.

@wundayatta Yup – you got it.