If you discovered your spouse or significant other had an affair many years after it happened, would you still divorce or break up with them?

Yep, and I did. I found out about my exes “double life” and even though he swore nothing had happened for years, the fact that he concealed his extra curricular antics from me for 17 years…well, that speaks volumes. I am a very honest person and anyone that can hide shit for years has character issues that I don’t even want to deal with.
He was devastated that I wouldn’t give him a second chance, but he was not truly remorseful and just wanted to forget about it.
He claimed everyone deserves a 2nd chance, I agreed, but said it just wasn’t going to be with me. lol

I think i’d be even more furious than if the affair was still ongoing. To have had years go by without my knowledge just seems to be an instant rage filled bag of shit.
At least if the affair is still current I can punch the guy’s lights out with impunity.

Probably not, if things were going fine now and since we have kids now.

A great deal would depend on the state of the marriage at the time I found out. I would like to think I would be practical about it and figure the affair was over years ago. But other things will come to play in it. Were we not communicating at the time? Am I totally blameless? Are things great now? Was it a short ( I lost my mind affair) or was it long? Did he have the affair during a time that I really needed him? Was he public with it and everyone knew but me? Was their only one affair or more than one?
I try not to look for perfection in any relationship. Only that people try their best to be their best and that they learn from their mistakes and not repeat them ever again.
But emotions can have a way of ripping out your heart and throw logic out the window. So it’s hard to say.
Such a thing can make one wonder how honest has the marriage really been if such a huge deception was held away from you. Logically you know why, you aren’t told. To protect the marriage and each other from any further harm. But a ripped up heart can take logic with it.
Building trust the first time is hard. Its even harder to build it from ashes the second time.

If my SO told me now that he’d had an affair more than 3 years ago, I wouldn’t break up with him. I’d be concerned about why he never told me though. (I told him about mine!)

Honestly, I have no idea how I would feel. Maybe I’d feel like I got what I deserved. Or feel like now I understood where she was when she was so distant from me. Maybe I’d be angry. Maybe I’d see it as her trying to break up now.

One thing is for sure, our therapist would be seeing a lot more of us again!

IMO if one wishes to speak of the “work” of relationship, well…the betrayed person is the one that has to do the work of recovery from lies and betrayal. I chose to divorce because I just wasn’t into carrying that carcass of betrayal around like a dead horse for the rest of my life.
Sooo, as always, it was about me and what I was and wasn’t willing to shoulder, not so much about him. Yes, it was about him, but more so I choose to free myself from years of “work” that would ultimately just be a patch job on a crumbled foundation.

No regrets and I don’t believe in carrying others burdens for them.
You made your bed, now fuck in it. lololol

It would totally depend on the circumstances and the state of our marriage at the time I found out.

I think that for the betrayed person the wound would be as fresh and new as if it had just happened. Even if to the cheater, it was long over.

Probably, yes.

Actually, I’d probably be more upset about how many years they’ve just kept that from me rather than the thing itself.

Likely not.

Flabbergasted? Yes. Break up? No.

This is a difficult situation for me to imagine… my gut instinct is that I would still be incredibly upset, but that I would still want to make things work out.

I found out my ex husband had had an affair when I was pregnant with my second child. I found this out after we had separated many years after that affair. It still hurt immensely. I made me feel like all the years in between had been a lie and that I was a fool for not knowing. It left me wondering were there other affairs? What else had I missed? The relationship was over but I still cared about him. I still believed our marriage had been valuable. Finding out (from his new girlfriend who wanted to hurt him and so hurt me) that there had been this huge lie was really very devastating. It shook the foundations of everything I had believed about him and his relationship with me.

So, if we had been together I feel sure I would have considered ending the relationship. More information about the affair, the state of our relationship when I found out and how and why it happened would have determined if I walked away or not.

It would depend on how the rest of my marriage was. If it was all good, then yes, I could forgive him one screw up.

Hmm, “discovered” that would be bad, means the spouse isn’t coming clean, I just found out. And if, as in @Coloma‘s case “not truly remorseful” forget about it.

I’m pretty good with being able to sit out a hurt to figure out what do I really want.
I might surprise myself and want to forgive, and it would depend on so many details, but I suspect I would not.

It would depend on a few different factors, such as how long the affair lasted, how often he had affairs, and whether he was truly remorseful. For example, if it was a one night stand, and he sincerely apologized for what he did, then I could forgive him in time. But if he confessed to multiple affairs or had a serious, ongoing relationship with another woman, then I don’t think I’d be able to stay. Ditto if he didn’t seem to care how his actions affected our relationship.

I think it depends on a lot of factors, too. My thought is that I would like to stay together, but might not be able to deal with it. I sincerely hope I never have to find out.

No, I’d be very ticked off and he’d have to do some serious butt kissing. I would not divorce.