What happens inside you during that final interval--when you know, and they don't?

What’s the best time to pull this band aid off? All I do is think about when I should do it. What if there’s a holiday coming up? You know she planned for it. What if she made plans for us to see her family? What if she’s going through a devastating time?

It’s never been like that for me. I don’t make decisions like that. I discover that it’s over in discussion with them.

Otherwise, I imagine I would feel like the executioner, carrying bad news.

Abject devastation.
When I finally had to say goodbye to my beloved cuddly teddy, well it was quite an emotional experience I don’t mind admitting.
I was 26 at the time & ......no, it’s no good, i’m filling up now.

For me it is always a long time in coming. Observing behaviors, observing “incidents” and then, the big light bulb moment when all the observations and feelings gel to the point of no return. By the time I pull the plug on any relationship I am ready to let go and have already processed my emotions and while I might feel some momentary sadness, usually it’s a really clean break. I always attempt to have an open, honest dialogue about what bothers me, but if the person shows me they are incapable of hearing me, refuses to take responsibility for their actions, becomes manipulative or anything less than an adult and honest discussion it’s a swift execution and I never look back.

I work very hard to be as honest and genuine as I am capable of and won’t except anything less in return in my relationships.

I can’t speak for everyone, but I can tell you that I was conflicted and in pain right up to the end. I got another place to live and had it two months before I left. I had rented a moving truck and the night before the rental date I still pulled him down onto me and held him for all I was worth. I knew it would be the last time.
I knew that he would never give up drugs, never vest in our “relationship”, never love me back the way he seemed to in the beginning. I still hoped for a miraculous change.
I felt like a creep for keeping a secret periodically, then I’d feel justified when he would show me his increasingly ugly attitude.
Every day while I waited to turn on utilities, make decisions, move things a few at a time, I alternately hated him and desperately loved him. I hated him every time he would go to do some more oxys, hated him while watching him nod off and wake back up over and over, hated him for his weakness and his refusal to admit that he had a problem. I hated him for stealing stuff from his Father and expecting me to take him to the pawnshop to sell the crap. I hated him and maybe what I thought was love really wasn’t.
I had anxiety and nervous pacing.
My first night alone in my new place was such a blessed relief I still can’t describe it. I was safe. I didn’t have to worry that he would fall asleep with a lit cigarette again and maybe this time start a fire. Or steal from the wrong person and get us both shot. Or start stealing MY stuff and pawning it.
The big change was in that I stopped lying to myself. I stopped seeing the man he pretended to be, and saw the man who really existed. He was a victim, and a product of his environment, but he was toxic. I saved myself because I couldn’t save us both.

Denial and masking (of the ‘knowledge’) , self-loathe, pity (for the other party), insecurity (about my conclusion), heart pain, amazement (that the other party hasn’t figured it out yet or have they?).

@Trillian Excellent! Yep, the school of hard knocks, nothing like it, and when you emerge, nobody but nobody will ever have to sling more than ONE brick at your head ever again to get your attention. :-)

When I have gone through the process of making a decision that will have a major impact on my life and the life of others, the world actually takes on a very surreal atomosphere to me. It is a feeling that change is a coming like when a loved one has died or a friend has moved far away. It isn’t saddness or grief. It is a feeling of awakening and understanding. I actually get into a very deep philosophical, quiet and thoughtful mental state. I see the people involved as part of a bigger picture that perphaps none of us fully understand, but that I’m a part of. Everything happens for a reason.

Too busy looking for the next to be sentimental about the last.

I’m still wondering what was going on in the interval and how long it was.

@ratboy Sooo, you live up to your name ey? lol

I was desperate to leave and I didn’t even tell her though she suspected. I thought she would try to prevent me from going and I wanted to avoid that. I looked her in the eye and lied to her and then I left. That was the end of the most unpleasant period of my life with a woman I owe more than I can say.

This has happened once in a relationship and three times in a job situation.

During the relationship, we were on a 5-hour car trip, he said, “Something’s wrong. Why are you so quiet?” This struck me as an odd statement to make. I’m not a chatter-box and was just enjoying new scenery. Several months into the relationship, we planned to attend a holiday work party together. An old friend, who works for the same company but lives in another state, was in town, and I asked him if he would like to go along with us. The boyfriend blew up later that night, accusing me of having feelings about this friend. All we did was give him a ride there. He went his separate way, while the BF and I spent the evening together. It was shocking. I then realized that he had issues that I wasn’t willing to put up with for the rest of my life. I broke up with him a week or so later. It took a day to mull over my feelings, and then we were both out of town, so the official break-up was put off until I could personally tell him.

The job situations were different. I kept plugging away, hoping it would get better. In all three cases, it took moving on to realize that no matter how hard I tried, it wouldn’t have gotten any better unless something drastic changed.

For me, once I have given up trying and decided that it’s over, it is really over, and my attitude towards that person changes completely. No more trying to appease, no more caring what they think.

ARE YOU DUMPING US?

I watched my daughter go through this a few months ago. First she was in denial. It was obvious to all watching she was snippy with him and he was like a hurt puppy dog. She had less patience for his shortcomings. He was still totally wrapped in her. Then she dropped subtle hints to me all was not good and we had a talk about the importance of not leading him on if it wasn’t working. She mulled this over and obviously decided to keep working on it rather than end it. The denial phase continued. Then she talked to me again, and I was firmer about not leading him on. If she did not feel the same way about him she needed to let him know. It was unfair to string him along. She came round in tears because she didn’t want to hurt him. More talk. She became more resolute about ending it. She broke it off.

No different than shooting the enemy. You may not like it, but at the end of the day it’s them or you. Sort of the same thing.

@nikipedia, who, me? No. At least, not today.

This question came to mind because today was the day that I felt I just had to tell a long-time client that I can’t work with him any more.

In the past I have initiated my share of terminations. I have also been fired by a therapist, a financial advisor, and even, once, a hair stylist who’d done my hair for more than 15 years. Sometimes professional relationships just have to end, and when that happens, it can feel a lot like breaking up with a partner.

And in that little interval when you’ve reached the end of the line but they don’t know it yet, a lot of things can come up: guilt, remorse, sadness, anger, relief, indifference. Maybe all the little things that bugged you but that you forced yourself to overlook suddenly become overwhelmingly annoying. Maybe you feel sorry for them and act very kind and pitying. Maybe you get incredibly impatient or you just stop caring at all. Those things can happen in a professional relationship as well as in a personal one.

So I was interested in what it’s like for others.

Things are so different, it makes you wonder how you functioned before and what makes you be a human. I’ve been there.

For me I’d say it’s all the little things that bugged me that congeal into the final, undeniable, unpalatable mess called their personality. lol

I totally agree with you @Jeruba about the similarities between terminating a professional and emotional relationship. I feel a responsibility to those who I work with or who work for me. I give my decision carefully consideration before letting them go. In the end, as you suggest, if enough negatives pile up you finally have to act, even if it isn’t pleasant or may hurt the person on the receiving end.

When this has happened to me, I have, up to that point, spent a ridiculous amount of time and effort trying to make it work. Far more than I should have from any healthy perspective – but I’m persistent, and don’t like to give up, and… am ultimately stupid.

So, when I finally get to the point of no return, something snaps. It immediately becomes TOO MUCH and (like a bolt from the blue) I think to myself, “I don’t have to be doing this, do I?!”

Then I blow it up.

examples
After seven years at a job that had become abusive, I finally had enough the morning of graduation. An hour later, I resigned on stage, In front of hundreds of people, before I read the names of the graduates.

After years of putting up with my mother’s insane behavior, we were trying to come to some middle ground. Set some ground rules for our toxic relationship after my father died. After one particular frustrating discussion, she says, “Look, this is me. Take it or leave it.” So I paused and said, “Leave it. If you ever want to meet me half way, my door is always open. Otherwise, we’re done.” I never heard from her again.

There is a calm clarity in those moments that tells me I’ve done all I can. It’s time to move on.

Nervousness and second-guessing.

When I broke up with my last boyfriend I knew it was long overdue. He “loved” me, and I didn’t love him. No matter how hard I tried, I never felt the right way.
We sat there over coffee, at my favorite place, which calmed me slightly, but it didn’t ease the guilt that was biting into me harder and harder as the night went on. I was trying to figure out a way to tell him I couldn’t do it anymore, but every time he leaned in for a kiss, or put his arm around me, fear gripped me, and I could not move away from him. Because of this I just went through the motions, pretending everything was fine. Really the anticipation of what I intended to do, and the guilt kept gnawing at me, probing my deep wounds.
I had to trust that out of the chaos would come clarity. And it did.

For some reason the first thought that came in to my mind was when my died died unexpectedly, in the middle of the night. I sat alone in the night, thinking of what I was going to have to tell the kids the next morning. I didn’t want to. But the hours kept marching toward the inevitable, then the sun started coming up and it turned in to minutes, just rushing, rushing. I’m having a hard time explaining how that gap just kept rushing toward me. Then it came down seconds, me knocking on the kid’s door, seeing them smile in greeting, and it’s down to right now, knowing I was going to say two words, two little words that was going to hurt them and shock them, just watching them, wanting to keep them innocent forever….I’m having a hard time explaining it…knowing that I’m that’s going to hurt them and I have to do it anyway. The time just keeps rushing on and on and away, you know?

I know that feeling, @Dutchess_III. It’s very similar to the feeling I had driving home from work one night, knowing that when I got home I was going to hear about my husband’s visit to the oncologist, knowing that in a few minutes I might hear words that would change our lives forever. Wanting to hang onto those wonderful not-knowing moments for a few minutes longer, and yet wanting the tortuous suspense to be over too.

Knowing that whatever the truth was, it was already decided, the thing had already occurred, and all I wanted to do was protect myself from the knowledge just one blessed moment longer.

That’s the other side of it, the parallel situation, when you’re not the one with the news but you can feel it coming.

You’ve described very well that sense of time rushing forward and bringing the moment, the larger-than-life too-big moment that your mind can hardly wrap around, closer and closer until it’s upon you. Somehow it seems as if time should respect major events and arrange a slower ascent, giving you longer to prepare your mind. But no, the unevenness of time is our own illusion.

When I decided I could not stay married to my husband, after many years of marriage, I grieved and planned and separated myself from him in many ways before he had a clue that divorce was on the way. I took steps to insure I could provide for myself and my children without him—before he had a clue. That’s just self preservation.

Yes, @PurpleClouds. I remember the instant when that same decision twisted itself around in my heart. I was sitting on the couch. He was downstairs watching TV. At some point…it just twisted and I knew in that second that it was going to happen. And I was going to make it happen. I planned for two years after tha. And, of course, he was shocked. He had ignored all the warning signs, all the things I tried to tell him…as far as he was concerned it was a bolt out of the blue.

I’m still wondering what was on your shopping list!

@Dutchess_III Not much, but the bill was $216, go figure!

LOL!!