Is it rude to ask a divorced person, "why did you get divorced"?

From people that are thinking about dating you?

Seems like due diligence.

I think it depends on context and how well you know the person. I don’t think I’d ask someone on a first date, but before getting too far into a new relationship, I’d want to know. Some red flags could pop up from the info, you know?

I would think it is rude to ask someone you had just met that question. I just saw @augustlan‘s answer and agree 100 percent.

It’s rude for the lady at the supermarket to ask you; it’s not rude for a romantic partner.

My current partner is divorced. We talked about it on the first date. I don’t think he was bothered by it, but I can ask. If we hadn’t talked about it when he told me it would have felt like a big elephant in the room.

It’s not something I’d just come out and ask anyone. I’d be waiting and watching for other clues if it were a person I was considering becoming involved with. Asking is intrusive, and an honest answer is not guaranteed anyway. There are always two sides to that story.

If they are acquaintances, it is not their business. If they are dating you, it is important information about you and your past.

How you managed your previous relationship and your divorce says a lot about the person you were and what you have learned from that experience says much about who you have become.

@nikipedia, years ago, I dated a divorced man. I knew his stories about his marriage and the end to his marriage. He had two children. Things started getting serious between us and my mom suggested I ask his ex-wife her side of why their marriage didn’t work. Mom said there were always three sides to every story. His side. Her side. And the truth. I asked his ex and she told me her side. She wanted to know what he had told me. Their stories were almost identical.

I think it is rude.

Sometimes, if I am fairly close to the person, I might ask if they are glad to be divorced. That might be rude too? Most women I know are glad. They initiated it usually, and feel free once they are through the emotional turmoil of it.

I think it just depends on the relationship between the people involved and the tone of the question. I’d find it rude if a stranger or somewhat I had just met asked me about my divorce. I don’t have a problem with someone I’m closer to asking though (be it friend, family, or someone I was dating back when I was single).

@bkcunningham I have friends who were engaged, and when she broke it off the guy came over to our house and he told us what had happened. When I heard his story, the straw that broke the camels back and caused his fiance to leave, well I told my husband afterwards I would not be happy with how he handled things either. When I met up with his ex a couple of weeks later for lunch, her story was exactly the same. That’s when I knew they would never get back together, which he desperately wanted to. If there had been a miscommunication maybe they could worked through it, but they just saw things very very differently. There was no middle, no misunderstanding.

Yes. I think it pretty much is. It really is. I think it is “rude” to ask people about any information that is personal, particularly that personal. If someone wants to talk to me about something they will. Otherwise, I consider it none of my business. Even if I am close to the person, I certainly wouldn’t ask something like that outright. I would try to get a feel for their willingness to talk about it.

And you are not uptight! People should mind their own business. I they don’t know that, if they were not raised to know that, that is not your fault, it is theirs, or the fault of their parents, who didn’t bring them up properly.

Far worse is to be asked “why did you two get married?”

Stranger, yes. Possible partner, no. Divorce is common now; people should be able to talk about it, as long as they bring it up.

@Blackberry ”... as long as they bring it up.” That is the key here, to me. Yes, maybe divorce is common now and people should, probably should, be able to talk about it but only if they choose to. Everyone has the right to talk about what they want to talk about, when they want to talk about it and to whom they want to talk about it, whatever “it” is. In my opinion, the way I was raised at least, you just don’t ask people about private things, unless they have brought it up or you have gotten some indication that they are willing and want to talk to you about it.

I know, I keep talking about “how people were raised” but that is what it comes down to for me. That is how I was raised. You just don’t ask people about certain things, private and personal things, and you certainly don’t get all bent out of shape when you ask a person about something that is none of your goddamn business and that person declines to talk about it, which has been my experience sometimes.

People should be able to talk about these things, of course. But they should also be able to not talk about them if they don’t want to. Not everyone wants to go on a talk show and lay it all out for the entire world to see. Some of us still consider our private business to be our private business. And people shouldn’t put people, people who might lay it all out for the whole world or anyone, on the spot by asking questions about things that are none of their business.

@Imadethisupwithoutforethought did say these women were ‘possible romantic partners’.

I have to say if I was considering a romantic relationship with a man who had been divorced and he was reluctant to talk about why the divorced happened, I would be reluctant to date him. I would feel there was something he was hiding or ashamed of. Perhaps he was abusive? Perhaps he was violent? Perhaps he has problems with drugs, gambling or is even a poor communicator. I think it is a fair question for a person contemplating a romantic relationship.

The person doesn’t have to give intimate details. They should be able to say ‘we grew apart’, ‘we had different priorities’, ‘she was not faithful’ or give a brief overview of what happened. Where is the shame or need to hide such information? I don’t understand why it would be a problem.

I don’t think it’s rude when asked by someone who is dating you, or intending to date you. It might be material in them deciding whether or not you are a good match for them. For anyone else, out of sheer nosiness, it’s rude.

@downtide It still seems wrong to me. Possibly, probably, good information to have if you are interested in dating someone and pursuing a relationship, even if they can’t fully explain it, but why not have them just fill out a form?

Question 1: I would like to continue seeing you. If you would like to continue seeing me, please proceed to question 2.

Question 2: Why did your previous marriage or relationship fail?

It isn’t polite.

I think @downtide brings up a good point. I would hope the person I was dating would offer what happened but eventually I probably would ask if they didn’t, and I don’t find tha rude. I was thinking random person, just getting to know you conversation. If someone offers they are divorced, and it is not a dating situation, I do not think that is an opening to ask why. It is very private why, being divorced itself is not a private matter.

I think it would be okay to ask if you are starting a dating relationship with a person. Some of the above answers included knowing that the potential datee has been abusive or a cheater. I honestly can’t see someone admitting to that. “We got a divorce because I beat her every Friday after coming in drunk.”
Another question I would want to know before I got too involved with the person is how many times they have been married. I grew up with a girl that has now been married 7 times. To me, that is a huge red flag, but she evidently keeps finding guys that don’t seem to care about her past.

You grew up with Zsa Zsa Gabor, @chyna? I thought you were way, way younger.

@bkcunningham Ha! Actually I think Zsa Zsa was married 8 times.

Seriously, seven marriages is at least worthy of an explanation. Even if the explanation is because she’s a widow. You need to dig deeper. Six of her husbands may have died from eating poison mushrooms. What happened to the seventh? He died from a lump on the head for refusing to eat the mushrooms.

She is still married to the 7th. Her daughter calls her a “man eater”.

What if each marriage ends for a different reason? Or, do you think if there are 3 or more divorces there is bound to be a pattern?

I would think each marriage ended for a different reason, but I still think three or more can’t always be the other person.
To be totally fair to the person, I know her first husband was abusive. I witnessed him trying to hit her with the car. They were married 46 days.

I think divorce is almost never just one person’s fault. I even hate to use the word fault, because sometimes both people are good people, and they just grow apart, or had nothing in common, or were married young and really did not understand what they wanted from marriage and life, anyone whose first marriage was before age 20 and lasted less than two years, that marriage shouldn’t count in my opinion.

It is not a normal question, not until you have actually formed a relationship/friendship with someone. The answer to that question is only your business. When I dated after divorcing only one person asked me that and I turned around and walked away from him. I just will not tolerate people who have no better sense and manners than that.

Not at all, if you’re sizing up a potential dating partner. I’ve been divorced for 9 years and have no problem sharing what I know to have been my shortcomings as well as my ex’s more than numerous issues. lol
I now say that we married young, did not share the same value system, and, my ex was a highly self centered, if not pathological narcissist, with drinking and infidelity issues.

I can also speak of my own codependent traits during the marriage and “own” the areas I could have better handled as well as empathize with some of his complaints.
I want to see if someone can take responsibility for their stuff, if they have done any “work” to untangle what went wrong, if they are self aware and insightful or just plugging along still clueless. A very important and revealing inquiry IMO.

No.
It’s a good question. No different than asking why did you pick your career. The answer says something about you. Why not respond?
In my case, the answer is always “My ex wife was a moron, and being married to a moron was driving me crazy”.
There ya go.

It depends from person to person