Parents - Have you given your children enough (see details)

May be too hard a question for any of us to tackle.

My kids are still too young to know for sure. I know I haven’t done everything the way I had planned. But, of course, it is much more difficult than I had ever imagined to raise children. My desire to be totally independent had to be put on hold many times. Giving up things you wanted to do and places you wanted to go isn’t necessarily a requirement… that’s on a case by case basis.. but I had to give up both. It was hard. It still is. But I hope that someday I can see the fruits of my labor.

My kids are both out there enjoying life with my blessing. I don’t know if I gave them enough but they have each given me a great deal and still do.

You asked a lot of questions, @janbb. Did I give them enough love and support? Yes, I believe and hope so. I continue to give them love and support. Can they make their own way through the world now? Yes. Do they love themselves? Yes (one of them a little too much sometimes, lol). Do they have a sense of wonder and joy at the world or an aura of depression? Wonder and joy without any doubts. This is the one question I can answer with one hundred percent certainty. They love themselves.

Here is where it gets difficult and thoughtful for me:
Did you succeed at what you tried to do as a parent?
Did you model a loving relationship with your spouse?
Where might you have fallen down?

Did I succeed at what I tried to do as a parent? I think it is still a work in progress. Even though my children are grown, I am still their parent. I was successful in many, many things I tried to instill, guide and teach them when they were young that I hoped would stay with them as they go through life and make decisions.

I really honestly tried to model a loving relationship with my spouse. My marriage ended in divorce and I have to remind myself that leaving the marriage involves many lessons I hope my children really, really understand and appreciate on day.

Where might you have fallen down? Too many places to name in such a short life. I always got back up though. I hope that is a lesson for my children.

@bkcunningham Yes, I think I am struck by this issue right now because of the breakdown of my marriage and the fact that my kids were not surprised by it. (On the other hand, I think they were shocked, if that makes any sense.) They are both highly functioning, successful and loving people but I think we all have and have had a shadow of sadness over us that I wish we could shed.

I don’t feel like I can take any credit for the way our two have turned out. Sure wasn’t much “technique” involved, I can tell you that. We pretty much just bumbled along the best we could.

I can only assume that we happened to get the easy, beginner’s model of kid, because they seem to be doing gloriously despite our lack of art. It’s been kind of like growing dandelions. Maybe the universe, in its wisdom, realized that we would never be able to handle a “difficult” kid.

As for “modeling”, I guess we’ve given them a pretty unvarnished view of how two very ordinary people jostle through the vicissitudes of life and marriage. They probably think, “Hey, if those two bozos can make it work, then I sure can”.

My daughter and I had an intense heart-to-heart talk a couple of months ago, @janbb. I’ve been divorced for nearly 9 years and I’m remarried. It was a really good talk that I wouldn’t have had with her until the time was right and she was old enough to ask and get honest answers.

The shadow of sadness was there as we talked. We acknowledged the sadness, the disappointment in the collapse of our family unit, the hurts and all the pain. The most important thing we talked about was how we wouldn’t have the shadows of sadness without the sunshine and brightness that was there and are yet to come.

The initial sadness and doubting is hard to escape but you have to keep moving ahead one foot after the other, one step at a time. ((((HUGS))))

There is no such thing as the perfect parent, just like there is no such thing as the perfect child. With a lot of love and plenty of patience, we manage.

@YARNLADY Of course, but I think what I was asking was a bit more subtle than that.

My kids struggle, just like I always did, to get along in a dog eat dog world, because I raised them to believe in honesty, integrity and love.

This is the imponderable question isn’t it?
It’s so easy to overanalyze, is that one word or two & have I even spelt it right?
I see it like this, so long as my kids are happy, well adjusted & have their feet planted firmly on the ground, then I know that everything turned out just fine….which it did/has, which is nice.

I am proud of both of my kids (now in their 30s), but no, I didn’t give them enough. Not enough support, enough attention, enough guidance. At least I didn’t over control them like I see one of my coworkers doing; I think sometimes you can give them too much.

I can only say that I gave it everything I had. I always put them first.

My oldest son once told me his strongest memory of me was the day he injured his hand, and I asked the housekeeper to take him to the doctor because I had to go to work. He said he will never forget it.

Wow, @YARNLADY. That is pretty heavy. How did his comment make you feel?

Like absolute crap, I would imagine. You had a housekeeper @YARNLADY?

I have one child who is a young adult, and I know for a fact I didn’t give enough. However, he and I have a great relationship now. When I asked him how he felt about my distance during some of his growing up, he replied, “You’re here now, aren’t you?” That made me feel much better. He’s now got a good job and has just bought his first car.

I also have 2 teenage girls. The jury is still out on them, as the saying goes. They’re good girls, and my ex-wife and I give them as much support while being very watchful as we can.

You asked about the demeanor of the children in the OP. I feel very lucky that all 3 of my children have a sense of joy about them. My son, the young adult, is working hard at his job and seems to be thriving. The teenage girls are succeeding in their schools. It’s a joy to watch all 3.

Can I say I was a success? No, but that answer is wrapped up in my issues, which may not be the point of this question.

Probably not, honestly. For a good portion of their childhood, I was dealing so much with my own issues (fibromyalgia, depression, massive anxiety), that it was a matter of surviving day to day. Making sure they were clothed, fed, and off to school was about all I could manage. I did (and do) love and support them with all my heart, and I don’t think they’ve ever doubted that, but I wasn’t a terribly good mother in the physical (and sometimes emotional) sense.

For most of our marriage, my ex and I had a very loving relationship. Even towards the end, we tried to show how people who can’t agree on much can still work together. I think we are still modeling a good parental relationship, even though we’ve been divorced for 7 years. The divorce was a sad experience for all of us, needless to say, but in all honesty, we are all happier now, even the kids.

My relationship with my girls has always been a very cerebral and emotional one. As a result, I think they are very contemplative people… prone to deep thinking, which may not be so good for a joyful demeanor. They definitely do feel joy, but may not be as open to it as I’d like for them to be. The good news is, we are all quite capable of random silliness that is full of joy! I think and hope they love themselves, but at least one of them is way too hard on herself. She’s been that way since birth, though.

The oldest is heading off to college this fall and the others are 1 and 3 years behind her, so I guess we’ll see how well they fare on her own soon enough.

While I was working, we rented out the extra room in our house to a woman and her child in exchange for housekeeping and cooking

I can see why he felt that way, it was a big mistake..

@YARNLADY Until a child becomes a parent themselves, they can have no proper idea of the difficulties of raising children. You did the best you could AT THE TIME.
I hope I have done my best – I never feel I have really – but my two adult children are so ‘nice’ that everyone who meets them wants to know them. I am not at all sure whether this is the age-old question of nurture v.nature, but Oh Boy I am so proud of them!

Hindsight is 20/20, @YARNLADY. Our parents and the majority of us have said and done things we regret. You can’t change the past.

I think so. We give all we are capable of giving dependent on our own state of evolution and as @SomeoneElse said, we did the best we could at the time.
My daughter is 24 and has been living on her own with room mates and her boyfriend now the last 3 years. She is a bright and caring person, we share a great love of animals and nature, have a similar sense of humor and she is an honest, outspoken and confident person who is well liked by everyone.

I adore her boyfriend, ( she sure picked better than I did the first time around. haha ) and she is much more confident than I was in my early 20’s. She has a strong sense of curiosity as I do and is fair minded and intelligent. I’m pleased with the outcome of my parenting and am really enjoying her as an adult these days. :-)

Well, IMO I think it is VITAL that parents own their mistakes and short comings while also accepting we did the best we could. I divorced my daughters father when she was 15 and we went through a few really rough years, but, suffice it to say, I took full responsibility for anything that hurt her during that time while also really emphasizing how there comes a time when kids need to see their parents as people first and drop their fantasy ideals.

I was always a hands on, available mom and she KNOWS this via my ACTIONS, so, while she had her feelings about the divorce she also sees the truth of things now in her maturity and we have become very close after those rough years post divorce.

I think what kids really resent are parents who can not express any shortcomings and insist they were perfect. Honesty is everything in all of our relationships. :-)

My focus since I had my first has been to be there for them. It was tough for a number of years as I suffered through depression but I made sure I connected them up with as many services as I could to help them cope as well. I made sure I got help so I would put as little pressure on them as possible. We also went to family therapy to cope. I made sure I never blamed them for what I was going through.

They are 17, 15 and 12 now and great kids. We learned to pull together through adversity. They talk to me about everything they are going through.

They tell me frequently that I am the best mom and that makes me cry because, sometimes, all I can see how we’ve struggled as a family due to my past traumas. But I know they have my back and they know I have theirs.

I’ve stressed often about the impact of my struggles on them. I’ve been told in no uncertain terms (by my therapist) that working through struggles is how children learn how to cope and what to expect when the shit hit the fan.

So, yes, I think I’ve given them enough.

Enough? what is enough? I know what I had to to do as a 14 year old beautiful child with nothing, on the streets- would make any adult faint- for my kids now? nothing is enough