Am I imagining attraction?

He’s married (it is a he, right?). Why think about it at that point? Either it means nothing, so there you go, or it means something in which case it is trouble. I would ignore it for your own sake.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to perceive.
Listen to @josie
It doesn’t matter if his sparks are sparking, you hold the glass of water, douse the flame, pronto.

It sounds like flirtation, whether it is innocent or intended. If he only acts this way when you two are alone, it is probably the latter. If it makes you uncomfortable, tell him so.

If someone else witnesses his behavior, and possibly your reaction, it might be interpreted as an affair in action or sexual harassment. Then the gossip mill starts grinding away. It could lead to repercussions in either or both of your careers, as well as in his marriage.

Thanks everyone.

I agree that I need to ignore it, and it helps to hear it from other people.

Some of this happens when we are alone, some around other people. One person did make an off comment to me about the prof possibly being jealous; but I just ignored it so I have no idea what the person was thinking or trying to say. In any case, I think the person ultimately resolved that there was no jealousy at all.

From a different angle, though: A prof that is married, and has kids, and flirts with a student? Doesn’t that say an awful lot regarding character? Then again, we are all human. It makes me wonder if I’m projecting some energy that he is reacting to, or if I am reacting to his actions in a way that perpetuates them (although I think I do a decent job of keeping things professional on my side while not being a total bore to work with). I’m really not sure. It’s very hard to be objective regarding emotional issues like this when you are in the middle of everything. Ultimately, a question in the back of my mind is whether or not I might be interested in working on a thesis with this prof so I would like to get to know him better and this all kind of feeds into that. At this point, I’m really just wondering what is going on so I can better manage the situation. We seem to “click”, and this makes it challenging to completely ignore it, I admit.

I don’t think I would get myself into the position of having to be alone so much with him, so I think the thesis thing should be with another professor. Why encourage something that will end badly for someone, either you, or his wife and kids.

@chyna It takes two to tango, and I like to think I have enough self control to not cross all of those lines. My professional career is more important to me than a few little feelings that may or may not exist. But certainly studying under someone else continues to be an option. I’m just trying to say that I would base that decision mostly on the project itself and my professional interests and goals.

I agree with @chyna

Too many risks, and yes, we are all just human, but in this case, multiple bridges will be burned, not just one, but all of the above. Multiple choice Q. choose wisely. ;-)
Look at it as a being on a diet, that big slab of cheesecake is tempting but nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
Turn it into ” nothing feels as good as a clear conscience.”
I’m a big advocate of run like hell from temptation.

I think your instincts are on the money with this one “A prof that is married, and has kids, and flirts with a student? Doesn’t that say an awful lot regarding character?” If there is someone else you can work with, I would. Are you contemplating this person as a supervisor for your thesis? You have to work with a supervisor quite a bit and have regular meetings, they also have a lot of power over your and your candidature and often the reporting mechanisms at universities are weighted in the professor’s favour. For instance, having to report on your progress, problems and needing to a. copy them in and often b. get them to sign off on the report. So… be wary about getting involved.

@Bellatrix That is a really good point. Hadn’t thought that far. Point taken.

Well I think I will just make more of an effort to keep things professional, and ignore but observe. If it is nothing, then I have no problem after all.

“that big slab of cheesecake is tempting but nothing tastes as good as thin feels.”

Lol! Love this.

@wallabies Sounds like you’ve got a good handle on things. I’d even go further, of course I am a very direct type. I’d ASK him point blank, “are you flirting with me?” and watch him squirm. Squirmy worm man. lol

Betcha he turns about 7 shades of red…zing…you nailed him. lol

In a word…...
inappropriate!

@Coloma Ah, you are bold! I don’t think I could ever do that! I think it would help though to get things out in the open if they are there.

@wallabies Just do it! It’s easy! His picture will be worth a thousand words. lol

Yuck! He is flirting. Make it clear that you aren’t interested. he is a trying-to-cheat married man with kids. Where is the future in that? You can find other friends.

As funny as @Coloma‘s suggestion sounds. It depends on his place in the university and whether you hope to work in this field in the future. If he is a professor, he could have opportunities to take revenge. Not now but in the future if you were looking for work. Don’t burn bridges. It is a small world.

@Bellatrix True, but I always go for exposure. Keeping a lid on the trash can is less smelly but it also gets more putrid by the moment. Air out the toxic vapors I say.lol

It would be pretty putrid if he has the power to stop her getting tutoring work or just to cause her issues in the future. She may never know it was him. I hear you in some situations, but sometimes you also need to keep your eye on the long game.

Well, it’s perfectly obvious what he is doing. It’s also perfectly obvious that you are interested. It makes you feel good that this guy is flirting with you, and I don’t think you want to put a stop to it. I think you want to play the game and extend it and to get close to the limit as you can without jeopardizing whatever this subject is of yours and however it relates to your future.

I know you understand the danger, intellectually, but it seems like there is an emotional pull here that is very tantalizing. I don’t know if it is ego, or if you genuinely have feelings for the guy or you are a femme fatale, but it seems like you are being more tempted than most of the women here think you should be.

If you do have an affair with him, I hope you don’t have thoughts of stealing this guy away. It won’t happen. You will be just a play thing for him. If I were you, I would be very careful about messing with that kind of situation.

I don’t think it is your job to protect his wife or kids. That’s his job. It’s your job to protect yourself. If you were to snag this guy and get him to marry you, you would need to watch all the time to see he if he was getting interested in some new floozy. This guy needs excitement. He needs newness. He probably wants sex. You can not possibly be a serious person to him. You are young, perhaps beautiful and sexy, and that might attract him. You might even be in awe of him, and men just love to be put on a pedestal like that. But never think this gives you any equality. He would never think of you as being on level footing with him. Never.

@wundayatta Thank you for your brutal honesty. I will definitely be ignoring and exercising more caution moving forward as a result. I certainly don’t expect or have any desire to steal him away, marry him, or have an affair. I barely know him!

@Bellatrix You have a point, but IMO this little flirtation is probably not his first, nor his last. I’d bet a million bucks his behavior is no secret to his colleagues and others in his staff.
Professors going after their students is as old as the education system.
I’m sure some people would keep it on the down low to protect themselves from possible backlash, but I’m not that type. I’d call him on his stuff in a heartbeat and let the chips fall where they may.

This is why these shady characters get away with their little games as long as they do, because they count on their “victims” being intimidated and staying quiet.
He’d have picked the wrong girl with me. :-)

@wundayatta I will also add that I am definitely NOT in awe, and definitely am not putting him on a pedestal (I see him as an equal) so I myself wonder where my bizarre (and seriously tempered!) interest is coming from. And it doesn’t matter, but I am not so young these days either! Although I am a sexy mama, as I think we here probably all are! Tssssss!

@Coloma He probably wouldn’t pick you. You’re much too serious for someone like him. Serious as a person, I mean, not necessarily your demeanor.

@wallabies Ok, you see him as an equal, but if he were to be involved with you, wouldn’t that kind of prove that he sees you seriously? Perhaps that is part of what is motivating you.

Oh, and I’m sorry you find my answer brutally honest. I don’t mean to hurt you. I think it is fine to have fantasies. I just think it is wise to know when you are fantasizing and what it might do to you. I do not disapprove of flirting with him, as others do. I just think you have to be really careful because it is the kind of thing that can turn on you really fast. It can turn on him, too, but that’s his problem.

@Bellatrix I agree.

When we are faced with situations that we have been told to keep quiet about they are usually to cover up for someone or something.

There are times when we know for sure that someone is lying or being deceptive, and we will accept the lie in fear of appearing outspoken.

IMO you should not accept deception or lies. I’m sure they would offer either an explination or withdrawal if they were challenged.

If I was to be found wrong about them I would apologise, at least people know that they are going to be challenged and may think twice before being dishonest.

However @wundayatta you sound like it isn’t bothering you too much.

Look at this perspective:

I am a professor am I imagining attraction?

Shares my Strong and prolonged eye contact without complaint .Dosen’t mind Finger touching every time an object is exchanged when there are definite and easy ways to avoid contact.Doesn’t mind being guided by a hand on the back or by the arm. They ask Personal questions (are you married do you have kids?). Possibly subtle teasing (not sure).

Flirting or normal behavior? I guess it could go either way. Some people just make good eye contact and ask questions to get to know a person. The other two seem a little in the gray area… But from a single student ? Although there is not much age difference.

In any case, I think we at least have great chemistry as colleagues and could possibly see us being good (platonic!) friends.

There are a mulitude of possible answers to your thoughts. I think your actions and questions towards the professor might reap the desired understanding that you are looking for.

@wundayatta I didn’t mean ‘brutally honest’ in a bad way! I just meant that you hit the nail on the head; called it what you saw it for. I don’t really care what he thinks of me. Whatever it is, I think my interest is about me not him. I’m thinking that I’ve been in a relationship for so long that I just miss the beginning stage where you flirt and have fun. If I am flirting with him though, I honestly don’t know how I am doing it! I agree a little flirting can be harmless, especially when it is so subtle I am not even sure it is happening, but do think in this case caution is well justified. I wasn’t sure either when I posted this if he was in fact flirting or not, but there seems to be a strong agreement that he is based on the answers…

@Elm1969

Interesting strategy to flip it that way, but you didn’t quite nail my actions.

-Regarding touching, either he is passing me something and he holds it so that it is impossible NOT to touch him, or I am passing him something and there are many different ways to take it from me without touching but he touches me anyway. Typing this, it really seems like splitting hairs, and maybe the whole idea of touching indicating flirting is absurd. On the other hand, I admit I consciously try to avoid touching people that repulse me or people that I know are attracted to me that I am not attracted to. I’m not going to stand there in the moment and make a big deal out of it because that would look incredibly stupid so I just ignore it.

-I’ve never asked if he was married or if he had kids. He volunteered this information to me. In fact, I haven’t asked very many personal questions at all. Only to make polite conversation as an extension of what was already being discussed. (e.g. Him: “Here’s a pic of my kids”; Me: “Beautiful, how old?”)

-He knows I have a boyfriend as I told him that when he asked.

-Also I think it would be pretty weird to stop someone in the middle of a conversation and say “Hey, why aren’t you breaking eye contact?” I just try to look away.

-Teasing, okay, I may be guilty of that one. It is more of a friendly joking and I do that with everyone that I think can handle it just to keep the mood light and everyone laughing and I think it is good for comeraderie (sp?) and friendship (some people are just very serious and you don’t want to go there).

@wallabies

I only flipped the situation to suggest that there are other options open to discussion

You have the option to address the issue with the proff. Why would it be stupid to raise the touching issue if it has become unaceptable. If he is doing it on purpose he needs to be told that it is annoying you and if it’s not then he will most probably apologise

Regarding the conversations you have, the personal information you talk about is your choice you are not obliged to offer your whole life details if it feels too personal a question.

I dont get bothered by much very easily. A friend’s boyfriend once grabbed my butt in the dark of the night (thinking I was my friend) and I didn’t react at all. I am just not easily phased, and in that case I knew it was an honest mistake. The touching doesn’t really bother me…unless it IS an act of flirting. It seems quite silly to raise it as an issue if not. One of my resolutions for 2012 is to be more open and to share more of myself with others because I am a very private person by nature and I’ve realized that you need to share parts of yourself when people share with you. It is this exchange that forges friendships, and this world is built on friendships. So I’ve been telling people everything they want to know all year. Why should I care? I have no secrets.

To answer your question I think that you are not imagining attraction.

You are attracting attention from others by being more open

I believe only you can decide if that is flirting.

What constitutes flirting is the next question. Being touched? Talking? Laughing? its an individual thing.

How you flirt might be what you are experiencing.

Here’s how I’d handle it: I’d think of myself as his prey.
That’d be enough for me to alter my mindset about the entire situation.

Sounds intense, attraction at it’s finest

@Elm1969 I can’t agree that flirting is an individual thing…but maybe I am misunderstanding you. I’ve always subscribed to the notion that there are a number of different ways humans flirt but that the set of tactics is pretty universal. Actually that makes me wonder if there are cultural differences….seems like there would be. Do you mean that you need to look at the situation on a case by case basis? In that case, I would agree. Then are you saying that he is reacting to my actions? As in, he perceives I am flirting with him and decided to flirt back? I guess that would depend on what he perceives as flirting? I have no idea what I am saying now, but it does make me wonder why I wondered if he was flirting in the first place. I certainly never expected to be thinking about this when we first met!