How can I help my long-distance boyfriend destress?

I had a long distance relationship not that long ago with almost the exact same scenario. Honestly the biggest thing to do in his shoes (which I was) is just get a bunch of hobbies. I played a lot of video games, watched shows, tried to hang out with friends… It sucks, but it’s all you can do really. Maybe tell him to suck it up, and just plow through it til September rolls around.

It sounds to me like he needs to be told by you that you are not his therapist. If he really has this many worries and the concerns are encompassing his thoughts, he should talk to a professional.

His worries are not yours. Be objective when he begins venting. Let him know you can not take this on.

Start charging. I’d want at least $300 an hour to listen to someone whine about the same thing over and over.

I know he just wants someone to hear him out, not someone to solve his problems. I just don’t know how to be a good listener on the phone.

@cthulette Then it’s not your strong suit. Let him know that you can’t be his therapist. Therapists are paid to listen. You are not.

When you talk to your boyfriend when you haven’t seen him in days, you should be looking forward to getting the call. You both should be happy to catch up with one another.

Right now, you are in a pattern that needs breaking. He thinks you are the person to vent to. That’s not a good start to a relationship that you both plan to move forward with.

@SpatzieLover How can I let him know that I’m not a good person to vent to about financial problems (I can cope better with other things, but finances in general stress me out, without the added tension of his venting) without seeming like I don’t care or don’t want to listen? I don’t want him to feel like he can’t talk to me about these things because I don’t want any part of our communication to be closed off.

Do you two use a web-cam? It’s the main way the SO and I (another long-distance relationship for now) communicate when we aren’t together. Our agreement is, when one of us wants to vent, they state so on the front end. It means that the other one can basically tune out. If one of us wants help in problem-solving, then the other person listens.

It does sound as if he needs help though. At minimum, some sort of financial advice. There are several books that address getting out of debt. Maybe another Jelly can recommend one.

@tedd‘s “Take up a hobby” suggestion might help. It doesn’t fix the problem, but it might help him de-stress.

@Pied_Pfeffer We Skype sometimes, but that’s hard for us because he lives in the country, so his internet connection isn’t very good and he can stream only a limited amount. I really like the idea of stating intentions to vent first.

His financial situation isn’t actually that bad (nothing compared to the student loans I’ll be facing). Just some basic credit card debt plus other expenses (like the safety deposit for our lease), but he says he feels like he will never get out of debt, which is obviously not true. He just wants it to happen instantly.

@cthulette Since you state that you’re both moving in together, then it’s time to communicate finances prior to that move. You’ll need to outright tell him how the financial venting makes you feel (it sounds to me like this is adding stress onto you…which isn’t fair).

I agree with @Pied_Pfeffer‘s advice on a financial advisor. I’d further that by saying it’d be wise for you both to get financial advice prior to moving in together. If you can’t handle this type of money venting now, imagine what it’ll be like when he decides to bring up his concerns just before you go to bed, or when you’re both out grocery shopping-etc. This is a number one concern in most relationships. It’s best to address it now, before things snowball.

I have two words for you:

Phone sex.

That’s what I was thinking @CWOTUS when I wrote my first response. They should be enjoying their phone time together

Ah, so you will be entering this relationship with debt as well. In that case, this becomes a challenge for both of you, even if you keep financial responsibilities separate.

@SpatzieLover‘s advice to address it as soon as possible is valuable. Getting out of debt usually takes a long time and a lot of planning. Having a plan, which includes a budget, as well as many other factors, will help you two set goals and tasks. By adhering to them, it is the path to the light at the end of the debt tunnel. That is going to be the best way to de-stress this situation for both of you.

There are plenty of couple financial counselling services. Some may even be free. It’s time to start doing a little research. For a start, there is plenty of information posted on the internet.

You need to set some boundaries. Say, listen Joe, I can’t look forward tro talking to you if you are just going to vent about your worries. I can’t really take your worries on from a distance. Let’s make finances off-limits as a topic.

@marinelife has is a great answer. I once needed similar advice, and visited a counselor. She helped me develop a few phrases to use. I actually wrote down the phrases, and when he called, I kept my mouth shut except for the comforting words I had written down.

Having something to focus on helped me a great deal.

You will get over it. Get married before you move in together.

Dress up for him before he calls you and start telling him what you’re wearing. Then the two words @CWOTUS said.