How do you express that you want and need to be touched by your SO, without asking for it?

Ask. Or find someone who is compatible with your needs.

Have a discussion. He might be waiting for you to make a move. Once you communicate how you would like to be, than it will hopefully start happening more naturally. He can’t read your mind, he never will be able to read your mind about anything.

A closed mouth does not get fed.

You shouldn’t be surprised your needs aren’t met when you’re too stubborn to ask for them. If you want more spontaneity then you need to communicate that. To expect your partner to be a mind reader is silly. Good relationships thrive on communication.

My husband needs touch. I do not. We have different Love Languages. When he needs a back rub, he asks.

My advice is to figure out (read a book or two) to figure out how to deal fulfill each of your love/affection needs.

I have learned to ask. Your SO is not a mind reader. They don’t know what you are needing. If you receive it, it is not cheaper or less because you asked for it.

You are setting the SO up to fail by not clearly stating your needs.

Expecting him/her to read your mind is periously close to playing games. Come out and say what you need.

No one is clairvoyant. And since you asked, you are being, if not silly, very immature.

Verbal communication works wonders; mind reading does not.

I ask. Or I hold him instead, and the action is soon reciprocated.

As someone who doesn’t need cuddling, I have no idea when to do it because it makes no sense to me at all. However, I do it because it’s important to my wife. She has to ask me because she’d wait forever for me to read her mind or just cuddle for sake of cuddling. It doesn’t bother me when she asks. She’s communicating her needs, and I’m more than willing to oblige.

Out of curiosity, where does the assumption that people can read your mind fall on the nature/nurture debate (or is that for another question)?

When I need contact, I hug her. We read each other so very well.

I couldn’t ask because I just knew that if I asked, she would say, “no.” I had this belief that women really don’t like sex and I have this desire to be wanted. If I ask and she does something, then it seems like she’s just doing it for me, not because she really wants to.

Well, I’ve been trying to get over that. I realize that if I ask and she does something for me, she does love me and is doing it for me, whether or not she wants it, herself. So that’s something. Maybe some day it’ll be too much for her and she’ll say no.

It would be much easier if she was just like me and wanted it as much as I do. So many problems would have been avoided. But at least we know those issues are there.

I can’t ask. At least, not in words. I do my asking with my hands, mostly. I’ll massage her. She might respond in the way I want, but putting it into words is too dangerous. Hearing her say, “no” does something bad to my psychology. So it’s better not to ask than to risk that. I don’t want to beg. I don’t want to have to tell her what it would mean to me and to sound so pitiful and pathetic. I don’t want her to give me what I want out of pity.

It’s a trap, I guess, but I’ve just learned to deal with having less than I want. The other parts of our relationship are pretty good. Our kids are great. We have a good partnership. We get along well in most other ways. We’ve worked on it in therapy. We’ve made progress. We’ve taken steps back. It’s dynamic. Overall, it’s good enough for now. Given what all we have together, that’s a lot. But I can’t see the future very clearly.

I think you may be able to work out a set of signals so that you can indicate what you want nonverbally, and so that he can either respond or decline without having to say “no.” Or you could get up the nerve and talk about it. It probably won’t be as bad as you imagine, but on the other hand, the problem will probably never go away.

In my case, there are also probably brain chemistry issues related to my self image that complicate the picture. But fuck it. If I’m immature because I can’t talk about it, then I’m immature. Go ahead and judge me. It’s not your life.

Asking for what you like, want and need doesn’t lessen the experience. Think of it as giving the other person better tools to be a better partner to you. It works both ways. Your SO might become more comfortable to ask for what they want (or don’t). I’d say if your relationship is under 6 mos. then you have plenty of time to learn each other. If your SO has been this way for a long time then give it 6 mos. of communication and see what response you get. If they don’t come more to your side after hearing what you like, want and need then tell them it’s only fair for you to be open to someone else who will make some efforts.

Life goes by quick, youth goes by quick, flexibility and health aren’t guaranteed. Go get you some love that feels like love!

My dick gets hard & I wear a cheeky grin.

I have asked in the past and the response is always immediate and favorable. It just doesn’t last more than a day or two. I am affectionate but it I am beginning to think my SO would be totally satisfied if I did nothing. It makes me sad.
We are in our 50’s and have been married a long time.- if that makes a difference.

Why does it make you sad?
He probably doesn’t feel love through touch. Maybe he prefers praise or gestures. If so, he doesn’t realize how important touch is for you.

It sounds like you need to explain how important touch is for you.

@gailcalled: Except this girl Clair Voyant I went to middle school with. She always knew what the teacher would say next. It was uncanny.

I feel stupid asking. Not because I don’t think I should have to – I just feel dopey asking. So instead, I’ll just hug my wife or lay my head in her lap. She’ll usually reciprocate.

Age makes a difference in that it means there is more you have built together. More history. More that you know about each other. It can make it harder to communicate, I think. You can almost know each other too well.

It’s worth thinking about asking for a counselor to help you solve the problem. A counselor can help you say things that are hard to say on your own. It might only be a one or two time thing.

We are not mind readers, nor signal readers, but yet I’ve heard many women say that it is a turnoff for them to let a guy know what they want directly. From my experience it does seem that men are held to higher standards when it comes to being able to ‘mind read’ than women are. An irony considering that men are supposed to be less in touch with their emotions than women are.

Perhaps counseling is the only way to resolve this, I don’t know. I still don’t have the answer here to teach your SO how to mind read, and if I did I’m sure that I would be rich by now. Maybe the both of you can try a signaling protocol that the both of you could understand, that would tell the other what each of you would want to get around the turnoff (in your case) of having to directly tell him/her what you would prefer to have happen.

You are all inspiring me. I will say something tonight. I am not sure exactly what but I will say something. I will make it clear I don’t want it tonight. As Paradox said it is a turnoff.to get it immediately after asking. (I wonder if that is sending a mixed signal?). Yes. It is .But so is doing nothing.
I don’t really know what to say… I just sighed and my breath quivered.

It makes a difference that you have been married a long time. Were you clear you want him to touch you sometimes without having to ask? He still may not get that you are looking for him to be spontaneous about it.

I really get that you want him to feel compelled to touch you. When my husband touches me, even just reaches out to hold my hand, it makes me feel loved and connected. If your husband does not feel those same associations with touch he simply might not get it. It can be dissappointing to be out of sink this way, understandable. But, for sure give him a chance by being very specific what you want and why. The why is very important. Hopefully he will share with you how he feels about the whole thing also, and you both will better understand each other.

There’s nothing wrong with you making the first move, @ElsiePea. Why is it a turnoff to get it immediately after asking?

I can sympathize with you here. You do need to say something though. Yea that first time after you say it may feel a bit forced or whatever like its not genuine cause I just asked for it, but if theyre really listening and care they should make an effort in the future to be more touchy feelt lovy with ya.

@bkcunningham – My thought as to why it’s a turnoff is that it feels like one is begging and the other is acting out of pity. If the person who is being asked to touch, hold or cuddle waits a day or two, they have had time to mull the request (or discussion) over. It feels less forced and more like they decided that this was a good idea too.

@tedibear got it exactly right. You are reading my mind.
@uberbatman I have brought the subject up several times before and it quickly reverts to the old way.

If I wanted someone to do my immediate bidding I could hire a prostitute.

You mean if you ask for cuddling or attention or to make love and then you are made to wait a couple of days, @tedibear? Yea, that would never happen in this house.

@bkcunningham – What I meant was that after the initial discussion about needing/wanting more touch from one’s partner. Once they’ve heard the message, it feels good if that person initiates contact more often. Of course, I think that one of the things that @ElsiePea might want to find out is if her SO is comfortable with her initiating physical contact. If so, then she should do so as well. @ElsiePea, I’m making the assumption that you are female and used she in my sentence. I apologize if this is incorrect. Although I can say to always have to be the one to ask gets old. That feels like begging for affection and attention.

I agree with the recommendations above for open communication and the “set-up” you create by asking the partner to be a mind reader. One way for folks with different “love languages” to communicate is to try co-counseling. It works thusly:

Each partner is going to get a turn (say 30 minutes). There should be no interruptions (TV, phone, food, cigarettes, coffee, etc.). So person “A” goes first and they get 30 minutes to talk about whatever they need to talk about and all person “B” has to do is listen. They are not to offer comment or anything else unless it is solicited. This is simply to create an environment where each person gets 30 minutes to be the center of attention to get what they need. When the 30 minutes is up, the couple takes about a 15 minute break and then it is person “B’s” turn. Pretend you are person B. You can say that for my 30 minutes, I just want you to hold me—that’s it. You don’t need to talk or anything else.

For many people, knowing that they are going to have an uninterrupted opportunity to identify what they need and to get the simplest needs met, is often enough to make a huge difference in a relationship. You can do co-counseling a couple times a week or whatever makes each party happy.

And apart from the blatant methods such as semaphore flags (Here ) you might try to develop a non-verbal method of signals.

You tousle his hair, you pinch his butt, you blow in his ear, you twist your hair, you wink at him…that means you want him to:

Hug
Kiss
Tickle
Cuddle
Stroke
Pounce
Nibble

This is beginning to sound like fun.

I don’t have a SO anymore, but in the past… when I was wantin’ a snuggle or a nookie, I made the first move—forget the askin’—he never had a problem with that.

I have no problem initiating. My problem is that I am always the initiator. I just want my partner to start or touch me or woo me a little. Something, anything. Do something without me asking.
About an hour ago I tried to talk about it and, as expected, the reply is basically: “Sure let’s do it.” In my head I am saying that is not the point. So…. what am I doing now? I am writing here while the shower is running. I honestly don’t feel like making love right now. The mood is gone. I might go outside and take a walk in the dark. That is what I need.
Is this why people have affairs?

This phase will pass. I know it.
(And just for the record I didn’t say if I was a male or female, gay or straight. I think the answers should be the same.)
Thank you all for being so caring.

@ElsiePea If I critiqued what you just said, the possible problem I see is you wrote in my head. You need to say it out loud. Take the blame, say you feel like you are not explaining yourself well, but it is important to you he understand how much you desire for him to initiate sometimes, even if it is just cuddling does not have to be sex. Ask him why he doesn’t maybe? It might be too late tonight, but another time, maybe whe. You are not near your bedroom, on more neutral ground, so he knows you don’t mean now at the time of the conversation.

@ElsiePea Is your spouse naturally emotionally distant?

“Is this why people have affairs?”

In my case, precisely. It was very painful, and I didn’t know how else to address the issue. I thought we’d divorce if I didn’t do something. Eventually I confessed to her what I’d done, and that led to some healing and a temporary resolution of the problem. I think it’s going to be an issue until one or the other of us can’t really stand it any more. Either that, or we get old enough that it doesn’t matter any more. But I don’t know if people can really change.

It was very important to me that she initiate because I need to be desired physically. For me, that proves the words. You can say “I love you” all you want, but the proof, to me, is that you want to love me, physically. She used to, but things changed with the birth of children. Now, after all those disappointments, I think a part of me is no longer here. Not good. But we have so much of a life together and most of it is pretty good, and yet there is a part of me that is isolated.

I hope your phase does pass. I hope you work it out. I believe it is possible to work out. But it could go on for a long time. Despair may be a close companion for far longer than you would have hoped. Hah! I’m not supposed to be a doom sayer, am I? It’s probably just me. You’ll do better, surely.

She is pretty affectionate, but if I feel like a kiss or a hug, I just ask my girlfriend. Everybody gets busy, she is a doctor and very over worked, and sometimes she gets tired and forgets. So do I, and she occasionally asks as well.. Isn’t that what friends are for?.

I used to feel the same as you @ElsiePea but I found that when I could let go of that hangup then I could ask for what I need and be great with it. I realized that my hubby is not a mind reader.

So, if we have been so busy that physical touch has taken a back seat in our relationship I’ll specifically ask for it…usually naked and revel in the closeness.

I have never had this problem. If I felt like getting physical with my husband, I would jump in his lap, throw my arms around him, maul him. I guess I have no restraint when it comes to that.

Me either, @Skaggfacemutt. I’ve never had that problem and I really wish I could offer something wise or helpful.

And when you have been laughed at or asked, “What are you doing?” enough times, you quit asking.

@tedibear What kind of psycho would do that? Maybe you need a new SO.

@Skaggfacemutt That’s not such an easy thing to find, and even under those circumstances, it’s not always what you want.

@Skaggfacemutt – Not all people enjoy physical touch. (Of course, my answers are based on the thought that @ElsiePea means cuddling and handholding, not just sexual touch.)

I know I am more demonstrative than most people. I have not had the problem you are describing, I guess, because I could never have gotten emotionally involved in the first place with someone who didn’t respond to my particular brand of molestation. Ha-ha.

I think people can change over time. They may enjoy molestation at the beginning of a relationship and then, a decade or two later, things may have changed, for any number of reasons.

@Skaggfacemutt Maybe you could bottle your brand and sell it as a touch enhancer? :D

I would worry about the state of my relationship if my guy didn’t want me hugging, kissing, or hanging on him anymore. My husband and I actually had this conversation before, when we have noticed other couples who treat each other like brother-and-sister or roommates. Neither one of us could understand how a marriage could come to that. Or, at least, why the couple continue in the relationship if their feelings for each other have gotten that dead.

@Skaggfacemutt – That’s an interesting observation. I’m not sure that not being physically demonstrative means a lack of love, or that the relationship has devolved into roommates. It may mean that they don’t do those things in front of others and that’s why you haven’t seen it. That doesn’t mean you haven’t seen other clues about those couples; just that no hand-holding or hugging in front of others doesn’t necessarily point to a lack of love or desire.

I snuggle up against him, or just reach out and take his hand.

@tedibear Once again you got it right. Have you been peeking in my windows. ;-)
If I have to ask for affection I don’t want it to happen 30 seconds after the wrods come out of my mouth. To be honest by the time I ask I am really not in the mood. – which almost never happens.
We had a conversation about this two nights ago and sadly nothing has changed. SO does not have to be a mind reader. I made it clear many times that I really miss it, and am ready willing and able any time.

Have you tried humor?

For example, carry a large placard that reads “Hug me now, please” and march around the room.

If you two go round and round in circles, which you seem to be doing, it means you need to do something else.

Put on a red clown nose when you feel like holding hands.

Just work out the code beforehand.

It is worth a try. There is nothing to lose.

I don’t know if anyone looks at old questions or not but just n case I will give follow up.
Last night (still nothing by the way) before bed we had another talk. We decided to plan on a date night. Tuesday.
What we lose in spontaneity we will make up in anticipation. (I hope.)

That is so very nice, @ElsiePea. You have to give him credit for trying.

…Or her.

Yeah, I forgot. I should have said “You have to give hir credit for trying.”

@ElsiePea – Yes, people do look at previous questions. And I’m glad that your SO is willing to work towards making both of you happy. Please let us know how date night goes!

Date night has worked for many couples. It didn’t work for me and my wife. Other, less specific things did help. All I can say is that marriages can be awful hard to keep on an even keel. Good luck with yours.

@wundayatta hard but very worth it in the end.

@ElsiePea I didn’t mean to offend by my comment about my husband not being a mind reader. I really was in the same place you are in that out of context I would have conversations with him about what I needed. But I found that letting him know what I needed when I needed it helped more.

We’re both smiling. :-)

We already set the date for the next one. Thank you all for your thoughts.