Was this appropriate behavior or did it cross the line slightly? (Details inside.)

I think it should be left for you or the two of you should be asked. It should be presumed that you would know what he would like.

But assume it was a kind impulse. I think you handled it well as long as you did not sound snarky when you said “I have it.”

Maybe she fancies herself as a serving wench, otherwise I can’t fathom her reasoning.

I think it is a little odd. Was the woman not getting food for herself at the time? Maybe she felt she had her hands free, and was actually trying to help you, not your husband (so to speak). Or, maybe she had organized the whole thing and was feeling she was the responsible host? Those are my two guesses. If your husband was not in a wheel chair it would be super weird, but seeing he is, I guess it might be able to be passed off as her just trying to be helpful.

Did she ask you , your husband, or the room at large? I have a similar experience from many years ago but it was a SO with me and another couple. The girl brought my SO a plate, fully loaded. I found later that he was cheating with her, and I have a difficult time seeing things like this in any other way. Crap that was more than 30 years ago now, and I still…
She may have been trying to be hostess, which is irritating. She may have been,as @marinelife says, just being kind.
I personally would have approached you differently; “Would you like some help getting plates?” but that may be because of my own history. I have a difficult time judging stuff like this and rarely trust my own judgement. But if she phrased it like you said, I would resent the implication.

She may have thought that you would want to get a plate of food for yourself and so offered to help so you wouldn’t have to struggle with two plates. To be honest, I over think most things but this wouldn’t even be an issue for me. I certainly wouldn’t be put off by someone offering to help.

I should add that my answer is based only on what you have said. Of course, if I knew the tone of her voice or the history between you, your husband and this woman (are you good friends for example) my answer could be different.

Let it go. There is more vile shit in the world to get upset about than this.

I have an ex friend who is the enneagram type 2 ” The Helper” personality. She was always “serving” others, because it was just her personality style. She pissed off some woman at a gathering once by being overly “helpful” and “serving” their husbands.
I wouldn’t get upset about it, some people are just that way, I’d betcha a gazillion dollars she’s a helper type and most likely just automatically goes into her serving role.

It’s such a non issue, I have no other answer, lol.

I find it odd, but I wouldn’t stress over it or what it means. As others have said, some people are helper types, overly subservient.

If my hubby was healthy and hale then I would find it odd but funny. If my hubby looked like he needed help then I would consider it helpful.

Just out of curiosity, were there any men in the line? Were any men serving women? Or did they not have women to serve them?

If I were her, I would have asked you if you would like help bringing your husband a plate. I think it’s a little presumptuous to offer to help people when you don’t really know their preferences. I know people do this and think they are being helpful, but I wish they would ask. Usually it’s easier for people who know the preferences of someone to help them.

So I can understand your annoyance. It’s something extra to deal with when you are just trying to get through the evening. Sometimes help is more hindrance than help.

Seems like a nice gesture to me. Something family members might take upon themselves.

I would also read it as a kind/helpful gesture.

The person crossed the line, unless she asked your husband if he would like her to get a plate of food and he said “yes”. It is the ongoing dilemma of “intent vs. effect”. The woman’s intent was a gesture of kindness. The effect was that she should have asked your husband first and then you if either of you needed assistance.

For the record it isn’t something I am stressing about in the least. I have been thinking about how it made me feel and thought I would toss it out to see if it might (hypothetically of course) make anyone else feel the same way. Also, I consciously checked my tone of voice as I was telling her I had it so I know for sure it was put kindly and not snarkily.

@JLeslie she wasn’t getting food for herself. Her intent seemed to be helping my husband before she got herself anything. Also, she was not the hostess, but she does tend to want to take the lead during these types of get togethers.

@Trillian she asked my husband specifically saying “Mr. Mouse what would you like on your plate?”

@Pied_Pfeffer I agree with your point about intent vs. effect. I hadn’t thought about it that way.

It wouldn’t sit well with me either @SuperMouse.

I don’t think you’re being hypersensitive @SuperMouse.

My best read on the situation as you presented it is that this woman possibly has trouble reading social boundaries. Her gesture was in her mind helpful, but wasn’t executed in the best manner.

I’d let it go.

If she has a history of desiring the lead or center of events, then that’s her personality.

Did you think this woman was somehow insulting you, or more like had designs on your husband? I would take something like that as helpful, but I always look on the bright side of things.

I would wonder if she thought that you weren’t going to get a plate for him. That would irritate me. But, if she’s one of those “I will run this show” people, I would try hard to let it go.

@SuperMouse In that case I think it is fine. She was basically helping both of you. She even asked both of you. Asked your husband, and then asked you probably to make sure she was not going to come off presumptuous. Maybe she could have said it better, but really it just seems like she was trying to be helpful. Some people are more aware others might need an extra hand. I guess maybe you and your husband might prefer not to be singled out as needing extra help, I don’t know how you look at it, or if you are put off by that sort of attention, but on the other side I would assume sometimes it is nice when people make sure they accomodate anyone who might need an extra hand or a special set up. It’s hard on the outside to know when to offer help and when not to sometimes.

I think you should have thrown the plate of food at her. Food fight!

Okay, not really. I think it was rudely presumptious of her. But I’m sure she just sees it as being a kindly helper, as opposed to a Mrs. Buddinski.

My guess is she didn’t know he had a spouse in attendance to help or that you were occupied and would appreciate the help.

I’ve been in similar situations with my mother, who is in a wheelchair and has difficulty maneuvering along the buffet tables. You handled that as well as anyone could. Personally, I find it callous of people who offer to help after the task is in hand, and I find it callous of people to ignore Mom entirely. For me, these types of events are no-win and I find them very distasteful to attend.

It sounds a little patronizing to me. I agree it could be the “helper personality” gone overboard, but me being me I kind of see it more as ” Hey everyone look at me assisting this poor man”. Of course I am somewhat jaded but unless she was unaware that you were his wife I feel it was an attempt at something of that nature.
Regardless you handled it appropriately.

@tacres
You have a point, for sure.
Well…the reason my friend is an “ex” ‘friend” is because of some really unhealthy “Helper” traits. Read codependent and martyr type
These types at the pinnacle of healthy development are the Jesus and Mother Theresa types of the world, on the far side opposite they are martyred, guilt tripping, passive aggressive, self sacrificial lambs being led to the slaughter proclaiming how wonderful they are every step of the way. haha
The middle is usually not much better than the bottom. These types need to rise high to be their personal best. lol