Why do people tell me this is a selfish reason to not want a pregnacy?

Your body, your life, your choice.

Don’t worry and care too much about other people’s opinion. If you go around, you will likely find a lot of other people that wouldn’t call it selfish.

In the end… Your body, your life, your choice.

Why do they say that? Because they just don’t understand. They have not seen the issues your mother has faced.
It is your choice based upon your frame of reference. Don’t worry about others. You can’t make a blind man see.

@LuckyGuy That’s what I would think but what surprised me is that my own MOTHER is one of my biggest detractors in this area. Part of it is kind of endearing because she’ll say that having my brothers and I was “worth it” but then she’ll spin it around that I’m just selfish. It’s kind of like she sees me as taking the “easy way” and not “earning” my children or something. Or she sees it as a vanity thing. Really I could deal with stretch marks and sagging boobs but swollen, painful legs for all eternity? (It gets worse as you get older) It’s too much to bear. Lots of children out there need loving parents. Why not do some good while I’m protecting my long term health and happiness? :)

Only you can decide what is a good reason to want a pregnancy for yourself, and what isn’t. We can’t do that for you. There are tons of kids out there who would love a loving home; adoption seems like a win-win.

People might think you are selfish because they are thinking that your choice not to have biological children is based on vanity. It sounds to me as though you have thought this out carefully and made your decision based on your personal preference. Anyone who has an issue should honestly be told to kiss your a$$. Your decision to have or not have children, to adopt or not to adopt is no one’s business but your own. Try not to care what people think and continue to do what you think is best for you. Your body, your choice.

Edit: I just read your response to @LuckyGuy regarding your mom. She might be taking this stance because she has an attachment to having biological grandchildren.

@LeavesNoTrace, @LuckyGuy is exactly right. There are many kids that need homes, so adoption is a great way to create a family. I was adopted, and want to meet my birth mother not because I feel “empty” and “incomplete,” but rather to thank her. You may be not able to adopt an infant, but a child who truly needs a home. Don’t worry about what others think/say, just know that it was the correct thing for you AND the child.

First, are you sure of what the effects of pregnancy and childbirth would have on your leg veins or are you just surmising?

Secondly, have you spoken to a varicose vein specialist? That is who you should be working with.

Finally, there is a vast difference between having your own child and adopting a child. Have you considered (if it does turn out that pregnancy is an issue) surrogacy so that an egg implanted with your husband’s sperm could produce your own child?

OK, one more thing. I know this seems like a major issue in your life, but do you keep in mind and be thankful for the good things that you got genetically? Like the ability to have a slim figure, perhaps your sense of humor or your intelligence?

Still one more thing. I would hesitate to discuss this very personal issue with very many others. It is your decision. It doesn’t matter why you make it. No one else has the right to judge you until they have walked a mile on your legs. I would cut off any further comment on your plans or choices. Smile and say, “Thank you for thinking of us. It’s a very personal decision.”

I say do what you want.

That being said, I an certainly glad my mother didn’t abort me… I would have missed out on a hell of a lot of good times. How about you?

@LeavesNoTrace She wants grandkids. That feeling is hardwired into must of us.

People don’t ever have a good reason to have kids anyway, they just do it wtihout thinking. But society is good at one thing: judging the crap out of everyone except themselves. If we all lived our lives to please society, we would have horrible lives. People have actually told me to have a kid now, just so I won’t be really old when they’re a teen.

Just don’t listen to people, they’re fucking stupid.

@mowens There are hundreds of gabillion children that are missing out on life because people ejaculate into a napkin or take birth control. That is just a bad argument.

@Blackberry I wasnt saying one way or the other. Frankly, I don’t care on this issue one way or the other. I think that if she wants to she should have an abortion, if she doesnt than she shouldn’t.

However, I think that more thought should be given to it. It isn’t like we are at the drive through window here.

Your body your life your choice, it all you….. But….

You ask me what i think and I will tell you.

It is vain and also selfish thinking if its at the exclusion of your husbands wishes.

Plus youre excessively focus on the negatives…thus crippling your own life.

Get up, get out and live, you cannot make bad any choices. Do what you must always with the expectation of the best.

I’m of the opinion that if you you don’t want to get pregnant, the reasoning behind that decision is entirely your own business. Doesn’t matter what the reason is – it’s your choice.

If you decide that you want to adopt, good for you. That’s the very antithesis of selfishness.

@mowens We’re at the drive through window of life, lol. : )

@Blackberry Hahaha nice. But do you see what I am saying? It isn’t the fact that people can do it that annoys me… to me what upsets me is the caviler attitude people have towards it.

Maybe the people who are telling you this are the ones being selfish?

@mowens The question is not about abortion…

What @marinelife said: ”...have you spoken to a varicose vein specialist? That is who you should be working with.”

I have a good friend who has vein problems in her legs too. I don’t think looking after yourself is selfish and the potential for poor health due to vascular problems in your legs is a real concern. Don’t beat yourself up about it. I would expect a patient with diabetes to have concerns about pregnancy as she should. Certain pre-existing health problems, or genetic disease, should make some women think long and hard about having babies.

Don’t feel selfish for looking out for your health. There are multitudes of children that need mothers and if they are lucky a few will find you. How can contemplating adoption in any way shape or form every be considered selfish? ((hug))

@Mowens. I’m not pregnant. :)

@mowens I’m not pregnant :_

Well, all the reasons for having a child are selfish, as well. Tell your mom that she is being selfish by not considering your well being.

Thanks everyone who’s answering. Of course I’m glad my mother had me. I appreciate her sacrifices and love her dearly. I know she really wants to me to have biological kids but my older brother has an adorable son already and I’m sure my younger brother will have children as well someday so it’s not like anyone is ‘depending’ on me to reproduce. :p

As for considering my partner’s feelings, I’ve thought about that. I’m currently in a wonderful relationship with someone who not only cares about my well-being but wants to adopt in the future himself. So if things keep going well with him I wouldn’t have to worry about drama on that front since he agrees enthusiastically with my stance. If I do end up with someone else, I think I should just be open with them early on so they can make the decision to be with me or not.

Luckily I’m only 23 and my main focus right now is career/self development so it’s not a pressing issue. I guess the reason I asked is more curiosity than pressing angst. I just think it’s funny that we have this idea that anyone who doesn’t want to have biological kids (despite being physically able to) has a big character flaw like vanity and selfishness.

But as a general question why do certain people think that skipping pregnancy (despite being fertile) + still having a child/children = selfish, vain person?

I guess someone might interpret it as wanting to have your cake and eat it too.

Those people don’t matter. Period. They’re being incredibly old-fashioned.

Now I’ll tell you just from my own perspective that at 23 I was positive I’d never want to have a child and that desire did change. But obviously what I’m saying is that it might change for you—not remotely that it should change. Anybody who says it SHOULD change is not worth your time/energy.

I think the fact that you are willing to adopt is a great thing for the child in need of a home and for your own health. If people consider helping another human being to have a decent quality of life whilst also helping you to have a decent quality of life, selfish, then that’s up to them but it sounds to me like they don’t actually understand the meaning of the word selfish. You are not inconveniencing (is that a word) anyone else by choosing not to put your body through a pregnancy but you could be benefitting someone else!

As I non-parent, I am so often amazed by how judgemental parents are of other parents (or parents-to-be) decisions. If no child is being negatively affected then they should just butt out of other people’s business.

I don’t think your reasons are vain and selfish at all. Even if you didn’t have those reasons, it’s your life and there’s nothing selfish about not having children. Just tell your mom you don’t want to discuss it if she brings it up, stand your ground but be polite, and then do what you think is best for your life.

I knew when I was 15 that I didn’t want kids (I had spent too much time helping to raise my younger sisters). I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard “You’ll change your mind when you’re older” or “It’s different when they’re your own”.

My husband and I discussed my feelings extensively before we married, and he was ok with it – until he changed his mind (I didn’t feel that I could compromise on such an important and life altering decision, especially since he barely took part in the care of the pets that he wanted – I had no expectation that child rearing would be any different). We divorced for many reasons, but that was the one reason that was easiest to articulate – when I told my mother that I was divorcing and why, instead of support I got “That’s awfully selfish of you”.

I also spent ten years asking my Ob-Gyn for a tubal ligation (“You’re too young, you may change your mind”), and didn’t get one until I nearly died of an ectopic rupture (while using two forms of birth control).

I’m now 48 and loving being an aunt and have never, ever regretted my decision not to procreate. But my point to you is that you will hear those types of statements throughout your life. If you are comfortable with your decision, don’t worry about what other people say.

And really, 9 billion people on the planet, I think it’s more selfish to have kids!

There are people who think they won’t be “fulfilled” until they have passed on their genes onto a grandchild or two. You stick to your guns and take care of yourself first. Any children you have, adopted or not, need you to be strong and able. The problems created by varicose veins will multiply with a pregnancy, no question. You may disappoint your mother, but she’ll get over it when she meets your adopted babies. You have to come first in order to be a good mother. Don’t be dissuaded.

Varicose veins aren’t cosmetic, it’s a failure of the valves in your veins. There are procedures that are covered by insurance that can permanently seal the damaged veins shut, here is a link to our Varicose Vein Treatments page. Compression stockings do help a lot, but they all aren’t “old lady support hose.” Here is an example of some high quality sheer support hose. They even make a maternity version of compression stockings (which are highly recommended for most women during pregnancy). I’m not a MD, but I recently created an hour long presentation for our practice’s surgeon on the benefits of compression. Based on everything I’ve studied on the subject, if you’re really worried about varicose veins, I would be wearing compression stockings daily, especially with your family history. Kids or no kids, and even with the stockings, you’re probably going to get varicose veins eventually (although you can reduce the severity).

I think I’ve recommended this before, but I would use the American College of Phlebology’s physician search tool to find a vein specialist in your area that you like. Look for one that’s board certified (there are many MD’s doing vein work that aren’t certified by the American College of Phlebology). We have successfully treated thousands of patients like you (and much worse) with good results, so know that there are excellent options available now for this problem. Best of luck.

You don’t have to justify to anyone your reasons for or against having or adopting children. That is a private issue; stop sharing.

The medical and comfort issues of varicose veins should be dealt with separately.

I have close friends who chose to have a baby the old-fashioned way and then to adopt their two other children.

I have had several sessions with vein doctors and they tell me that there is nothing they can do for the DVT that I have permanently in my right leg. They said there were a number of things they could do to relieve varicose vein problems. Perhaps you haven’t gone to the right doctor.

@mowens Yeah, I see what you mean :)

Most people who want kids are driven, whether conscious of it or not, by an urge to pass on their genes. If people didn’t have that, they wouldn’t reproduce and the race would die out. So evolutionary pressures pretty much make sure that only those who really want biological children survive to reproduce.

There is also an advantage to having some people be willing to bring up other people’s children. There are a portion of people who are willing to bring up children they are not biologically related to. You sound like you belong in that group.

If you don’t want to pass your own genes on, then it is fine to not do that. You can still have children if you want to be a parent.

Your mother wants you to have children because she is selfish enough to want to see her genes move on down the line. You are not that selfish. In fact, it is quite the opposite. You are very generous and perhaps even altruistic enough to want to bring up children you are not genetically related to.

If you are being accused of being selfish, you can turn it around. Say that you are being altruistic and want to help out other people who don’t have good parents. You don’t want to be selfish and just have kids because they are your genes. You want to be a help to the community and to humankind by bringing up kids that don’t have parents.

@syz I enjoyed reading your post very much. I am 25 years old and have yet to develop any kind of maternal desires. I enjoy being with my friend’s kids and my cousins but I don’t want to have my own. Whilst I appreciate that I am still young and could change my mind in the future, a part of me hopes that I don’t. But, even if I do, it’s not up to anyone else to predict that I will and I get really bored of hearing that I will.

You are hanging around with the wrong people. I suggest you join Childfree.net or a similar group. Also see this excellent wikipedia childfree article.

@YARNLADY @LeavesNoTrace doesn’t seem to be saying she doesn’t want children, just that she does not want to have biological children.

This is another one of those deals where it is absolutely no one’s business except your own. Have kids, don’t have kids, adopt kids, breast feed them, don’t breast feed them, spank them, don’t spank them, send them to college, send them to trade school, it is up to you and the kid what you choose. Tell everyone who has an opinion to keep it to themselves and you do it your way, it is your life! When I was young and people asked if I had children I would say my husband had his penis cut off in the war. My ex husband didn’t think it was too funny but I loved the expression on people’s faces when they heard that, they didn’t know what to do or say.

They are most likely just thinking of what they see on the surface of skin, “oh what’s a few patches of strawberry splat?” You must do what’s best for you in the long run because most women are living long lives and living with discomfort you know you can prevent is horrible.

What you really have to delve into is in your psyche, will you feel you are just as much a parent of a child you adopt as one you birth? Will you be able to not let people get under your skin with their judgments? It’s easy enough to say and then to love children not of your body but other people’s words and opinions do sting.

Because they are idiots. If it is truly a health risk, then of course it is justifiable to not want to go through a pregnancy. Get a surrogate, adopt, don’t even have children, do whatever you want.

I am so tired of TV shows with women who are high risk and still get pregnant, or near death while pregnant, and not willing to abort, because they want to be pregnant and have a baby so badly. Does any husband actually want their wife to take that risk? I can’t imagine they want to have a sick, crippled, or dead wife because of a pregnancy. At least on the movie Steele Magnolias she dies because of it, and it isn’t some miracle brrth and she is healthy now.

I am also tired of so many making it sound like women have been pushing babies out since the beginning of time it is the most natural thing in the world. Too many women die without medical intervention. A percentage of women, even with medical intervention, have health problems, some temporary some permanent, from carrying and birthing a baby. I partly blame the prolifers who seem to think a womans body is just a vessell for babies to grow, and afterwards it is like nothing ever happened.

It’s your body, do what you want.

If you decide to adopt that seems much more selfless than having your own.

Do you know for sure the pregnancy will make your situation worse, and it isn’t just an old wives tale?

Because every woman should strive to emulate Octomom, who is a paragon of selflessness, saintly virtues, and prudent parental planning! ;-)

The best thing about adoption, IMO is the screening you go through to qualify. Only people that truly want kids can have them. I don’t understand how those people that should never have kids were able to adopt. My parents and friends who have adopted have questionaires to fill out, home inspections to have done, and personal interviews to endure. I’ve heard about people being able to adopt that shouldn’t have a grasshopper to care for. That doesn’t sound possible, because I know how difficult it is to be able to adopt.

@GracieT

There is a good reason to want to screen very carefully when asigning adoptees to future parents. The screening is however not perfect. Far from that. Biological bonds seem to provide a lot of protection to the child. (And possibly to the parents / caretaker’s sanity.)

Excerpt:
“Children residing in households with adults unrelated to them were 8 times more likely to die of maltreatment than children in households with 2 biological parents (adjusted odds ratio [aOR]: 8.8; 95% confidence interval [CI]: 3.6–21.5).
Risk of maltreatment death also was elevated for children residing with step, foster, or adoptive parents (aOR: 4.7; 95% CI: 1.6–12.0), and in households with other adult relatives present (aOR: 2.2; 95% CI: 1.1–4.5).

Source: Pediatrics; Apr2002, Vol. 109 Issue 4, p615, 7p, 1bw