Are they saying it just to say it?

It’s formulaic. Better to say, “What can I do? Be specific.”

For some, they honestly do mean it (although @gailcalled is correct about it being a rather generic response). For others, it’s part of being polite, and just something they say because it’s expected. Those that truly want to help will make themselves known by following up somehow. :-)

At the same time, people are not mind-readers. If you genuinely need something, don’t be afraid to ask. Those that step up will reveal themselves as the friends, relatives, loved ones and supporters you need around you.

I think they mean it, they just don’t know how to help. Just tell them what you need when they say this. You say, well you could help me with….. If they make excuses why they can’t, then they really didn’t mean it.

Thanks friends….I figured that.

I try to always mean it when I say it and generally I do mean it, though I am a little more cautious about making that statement than I used to be. I once told a not terribly close friend that ”... if she ever needed to talk to give me a call. I really mean it.” Then the next week a got a call from her at 4:00 a.m. and since I had told her that I woke myself up the best I could and talked to her for about an hour. But only you can judge whether the people in your life who say that really mean it. As @chyna points out, if you call on them for help and they make excuses, then I guess they didn’t really mean it.

I think people do generally mean well. There are occasions, as @chyna also points out, where people want to be there for you but don’t know what, specifically, to do to help you, and say that, hoping to at least be supportive. In the kinds of circumstance where that kind of thing is said it also gives the other person some space. Like when each of my parents died, people said that. I those situations you may not even know exactly what kind of help you might need, or when, and the last thing you need is someone descending on you, having decided you need their help cleaning your house and doing your grocery shopping and providing with a list of grief counseling resources, e.g.

Most of time, though, I have found people reluctant to ask other people for help. People generally don’t want to be a burden so even if you’ve offered, I’ve found that people are reluctant to take you up on it, though there was that 4:00 a.m. call from my friend.

I think in most cases people are saying it in order to show you they care, but they don’t really expect you to ask for anything. It’s a freebie, mostly. Occasionally they really want to do something, but if that is the case, they will probably suggest something specific that they would like to do for you.

I think that if you really need help, you can ask one of these people for help, and they will provide it, although they really weren’t expecting to be asked, and they might feel put upon. Too bad. They shouldn’t have said it if they didn’t mean it. However, if they didn’t really mean it, it is likely you will lose them as a friend. Not that it matters that much, since they weren’t much of a friend, were they?

There have been people I’ve said that to, and I never expected to be asked for anything. I think I’d be happy to talk to them if they needed someone to talk to. But that’s as far as it would go, most likely. If other people were helping, too, then I’d be willing to get involved in more involved projects, but I don’t think I could carry anything bigger off on my own.

You never really know, but if you find yourself in need some day, they are the ones to ask first. You’ll find out if they meant it.

They know that it is the correct thing to do, prop up your fellows, but I don’t think that every one who says as much expects you to actually lean on them.

Some comedian (George Carlin perhaps) did a bit on this very thing. The premise being, “Wouldn’t it just blow their mind if you took them up on the offer?”

“As a matter of fact Bob, would you be so kind as to food shop for me? Here’s some money – let me write up a list. Oh, and could you put it all away for me?”

or

“Ya know, now that you mention it, my grass in is need of a mow. Could you come by Saturday?”

When my father died, the people that truly wanted to do something simply did. Sent flowers, dropped off food, called often to check in.

It amounted to about three people out of the two-hundred or so that showed up at the wake and offered up that tried and true sentiment.

I wish people just wouldn’t say it all. You can express regret and love without making an offer you have no intention of following up on.

Recently, I had a friend laid up from an operation. I called her one day and said, “I’m going food shopping this week – how ‘bout you text me a list and I’ll pick up stuff for you?” She declined (as they were full up on food), but she was thrilled at the offer.

I think it helps to be specific if you intend to do anything at all.

If my friends say it then I believe as several have really come through for me over time. If it’s an acquaintance or newer friend then I don’t think about it too deeply but I do appreciate the sentiment.