New relationship; when do you talk about money?

I suppose you talk about it when it comes to the point where you find yourself thinking: “I can’t afford to do that.” If you don’t talk about it at that point then you are really, not being honest, in a way. If you are reasonably serious about the person I think you should be honest about your financial situation and not continue to do things that you can’t afford in order for things to go smoothly. How much of “the reason why” you want to talk is up to you and depends on how comfortable you are talking about money. Some people aren’t. Some people consider finances almost as personal as sex, I think. Money is a difficult issue in relationships but money issues are also one of the big fault lines in relationships. If you can’t talk about money it could be a problem in the future. It’s not very romantic, money, but money issues can be relationship destroyers.

I know several women who spend more than they feel comfortable affording because the guy they are dating picks expensive restaurants and activities, but it is assumed everyone is still going dutch. Sometimes even if they eventually say they can’t afford it, the guy seems to not pay attention. But, more often the woman says nothing, and complains behind his back to other friends. I have no idea if men do something similar? If they are afraid to say things are getting too expensive?

In my opinion, and this is from someone who has not dated in a while, the time to discuss finances regarding how much is spent on dates and activities is whenever it is applicable. Don’t go on a bunch of dates you can’t afford, it shows financial irreponsibility.

As far as talking about how much income you actually make, and debt you might have, the real details of your financial situation, probably as you are becoming exclusive with each other, and considering living together or marriage is a possibility in the future, feeling like you don’t see breaking up any time soon, then eventually money will come up when planning vacations, or a new job offer or promotion, considering moving to a new house, paying a bill, and the conversation will just happen.

I would have to say when you realize that you are ready to plan a future together and set common goals- whether it be a long term relationship or marriage.

Money and misconceptions over finances is where many relationships stumble and even fail. It is IMO best to lay it all out on the line as to what yours and hers budget allows for and be real and honest about it as that way there are no surprises or disappointments down the road.

I am going out with a guy on strictly a friends basis and money is already a discussion between us because there is a great disparity. He is on disability so some of the issues were obvious from the get-go. I try to be sensitive to his needs and had said to him recently, “If I ever propose doing something that you can’t afford, just let me know.” I tend to think it is something to be honest about sooner rather than later. OTOH, I have not revealed specifics such as what my income is, etc.

I would casually interject comments early on to send a message as to my values. It can be humorous too but it still sends a message. This might early on provide clues to as to who is a saver vs who is a spender. I might mention I’ve never had a credit card balance in my life (true), never had a car payment (true), never failed to max out my 401(k) (true), never failed to contribute to my Roth IRAs (true). I might make fun of people who are fiscally irresponsible by acquiring huge credit card balances or buying a car the price of which is equivalent to their annual salary.

When you are moving closer to mingling your money. Before then, you are just true to yourself and your finances. No events that you can’t really afford.

What’s wrong with saying, “I can’t afford this,” the first time they suggest something you can’t afford?

I’ve brought it up very early on in dating (I’m usually the one with the more limited income) that I’d love to treat in kind but cannot. I’ve had guys tell me outright they insist on picking up the tab because they know what I make.

My now husband was one of those guys but we were up front about money because he had kids, child support and was rebuilding. His concern was for me not to take for granted he could afford to do some of our “dating” things all the time and my concern was he understand I didn’t expect that but also wouldn’t be able to reciprocate in the same vein even though I wanted to. Just talking about the money made everything pretty easy and smooth.

If you are planning on one more date, then bring it up now. It’s not a deal-breaker, certainly, for adults. What’s the worst that can happen? She sees you as a man who can be candid and forthright and reasonable and thoughtful.

Congrats, BTW, on finding a new possibility.