How do I bring this up with my boyfriend without sounding jealous and controlling?

Do you want to be plan B?
If you don’t, and you bring it up, be prepared for it to end.

Yep, Judi has it right. If he hasn’t moved on, “honey, he ain’t with you.” “He left me to go see her.” That’s all you had to experience to know it. Don’t worry about sounding jealous. If you two are supposedly exclusive, this is not allowed to happen.

I don’t think you’re being controlling, and I think you have a right to know.

But I also think you do know. If your report about his behavior are accurate, your nagging feeling is probably spot on. If you need to bring it up to him to confirm what you already seem to know, do it, but what do you gain? He’ll either deny it, which will just make you doubt it even when you shouldn’t, or cop to it. Either way, you’re stuck having to choose between whether it’s worthwhile enough to try to stick it out, or if you should move on and try other relationships. I’m going to guess if you’re in your late teens or early 20s, you’re going to need to move on regardless.

FWIW, I don’t think he’s a bad guy for what he feels, but he’s probably walking a path that ultimately will lead him to depression and questioning his self-worth. First he hasn’t resolved his past relationship sufficiently, and secondly he’ll probably be too dense to understand why you weren’t interested in sticking around – if (when?) you ultimately do get sick of his behavior and leave. Regardless, if you think there is a salvageable relationship, it still might not be a bad idea to both agree to see other people. This gives you two a chance to just be friends, and he can resolve his past issues and re-focus on you if there is a viable reason to.

If that doesn’t work for you right now, maybe you should be willing to lay out your expectations for the relationship – and be ready to leave if he can’t meet those expectations.

what @Judi said.

A mild form of jealousy is OK. As long as you are not letting it control you. The feeling is a normal consequence of life. Just realize it is just that… a feeling.

More to your question… In essence you want your partner to be ‘fully with you’. As long as that is the case and he is not cheating on you then whatever he feels for someone else is not necessarily relevant.

I do feel that what you wrote can create doubts about his commitment to you and it is fully normal to bring that up. Just don’t be confrontational and be prepared to deal with the consequences of any answer that you may get. As per above.

Do you have self esteem issues? I ask because this sounds like behavior that most people woudn’t put up with. He texts her all the time in front of you? He tells you? He leaves you to go see her? WTF? Just my opinion. You have to do what feels right for you.

If you ask, you may get an answer you don’t like or want.

So the question is really up to you – to you rock the boat and take the risk that your relationship falls apart when the truth comes out?

Or do you live with this doubt and the tension that it brings out in you?

That’s a personal decision. You have to decide the issue. I know what I would do – I would want to know, good or bad. But that’s just me.

It is not a good feeling, being with someone who loves someone else. If you are in a committed relationship, the other person should not have unresolved feelings about someone else. If they do, they should not be in a committed relationship.

Sorry but you should let this one go. When he resolves his feelings for his old girl friend, then you could give it a shot.

What you are right now is in noma’ns land.

You definitely need to have this talk.

Just ask him straight out like you did us. Tell him something like “I am afraid that you are atill hung up on your ex. You left me to go see her. You text her all the time. You talk about her all the time. It leaves me unsure of how you really feel about me and if you are just using me.”

Be prepared to not like the answer and to consider breaking up with him.

You deserve better.

I just want to add something, even though this probably won’t change anything—he is great to me. He is honestly the best relationship I’ve ever had and I would be crushed to see him go. He takes me places, he buys me flowers, hell, he even buys my mom flowers, he’s caring, he tells me he loves me all the time, etc. He does a lot. And he says things like “I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else but you.” But then he also does those things I’ve listed in the original post. So I’m very confused as to what I should do. I really don’t want to lose him.

He picked you. What else does he need to do to prove he wants to be with you?

Don’t make someone your priority when they only consider you an option.

@nikipedia: He didn’t necessarily pick her. His ex left him and so he was left hanging. He may be with the OP because there’s nothing better (in other words, the one he really wants is busy right now). If the playing field were level, if both girls were single, who knows? It sounds like if the ex were single, he’d be all over it.

I think he isn’t over her. I think it possibly is true that if she left the other guy, he would go back to her, but eventually, even if that is true now, it won’t be true in the future. The other question in my mind is, would she ever want him back? If not, then it is a matter of time for him to really get over her, and her being away will help your situation. You probably met him too soon after his break, so it is a timing issue, not about you personally vs. her.

If you discuss it with him, he will most likely lie if he would prefer her over you, so it might not get you anywhere. He will eventually get over her. It is possible he is over her, and seeing her just stirs up old feelings, triggers the pain he felt at the time, but nothing he would act on. Difficult breakups usually require the two people not be friends for a while to really move through all the emotions.

I don’t think your “jealousy” is unfounded, I think you are picking up on what is probably very real. It seems he has admitted he did not want her to end the relationship.

Just be reassured that even people who never wanted to break up and get really traumitized by a break up eventually do get over the person; it usually takes 4–6 months to start really moving on, and 1–2 years to be able to be emotionally completely disconnected from it. You might be in the traditional “transitional” situation right now. Which puts you in a bad spot.

This boils down to a couple things; How much of this crap are you willing to put up with? And something a bit more important; you can be the prettiest girl in the world with the slammin’ body men dream about. But if he’s not getting something out of the relationship that he needs, he will cheat.
So it may be time to step back and spend some time apart. Talking to him will only cause him to deny anything, you already know this. Give him time to think about his priorities. Take a six month hiatus. You may find someone who puts you in the front seat, and you’ll decide that sitting in the back is not to your taste. Or maybe he’ll get a better perspective. Or not.
But if you aren’t happy and secure in the relationship, it’s going to remain a problem, at least for you. It’s up to you to decide if you can live with the problem or not.

Wait, so he took you to his home town, and left you to go see her? What. The. Hell.
I would be rather angry if someone did that to me. Why did he bring you along in the first place?
If you ask him, you need to be prepared to lose him. If you feel very strongly about it, you should ask, because losing him now may save you from massive amounts of heartache in the future.

What did you do when he left you to go see her? That incident would have been a deal breaker for me. It sounds like he’s nice to you, but a boyfriend SHOULD be nice to his girlfriend. That’s not exceptional.

My heart goes out to you. I was once in a very similar situation.

From the information provided so far, I think that he really likes you, and he may even love you. The problem is, his heart still belongs with the ex. Here’s where I see a big, red flag: if the ex is really over him, then she wouldn’t text with him all of the time. She should give him a lecture for showing up at her house, even if he was invited, without you with him. Either these two are oblivious as to how their actions can possibly hurt others, or maybe it’s something psychological.

You are wise by being true to your feelings and the relationship to want to talk to him about this. All that you need to do is tell him his behavior makes you feel. There is no need to tell him what you want him to do…he needs to come decide what he is willing to cut back on or give up. Otherwise, he might use what you want to happen as a weapon to evoke guilt on your part.

Good luck, and please keep us posted on this. We care and are here to support you.

After reading what @Pied_Pfeffer wrote, it makes me think that possibly the ex is getting some enjoyment out of the fact that she left him, she hurt him and now he’s with someone else and yet texting her and leaving you to visit her. @Pied_Pfeffer is right, the ex should not be welcoming him to visit without you.

Please keep us updated, if you wish, as to how things turn out or evolve.

Thank you.

JCA
The Update Lady

Just to add…my first love and ex husband is and has always been like family. We grew up together, we’re touchstones for each other. The people he was with over the years didn’t like that very much. I made sure to be up front with my next relationships to make them understand he would be in my life, but that we were just friends.

It’s been decades and that’s what we are still.

Being good friends with an ex isn’t uncommon but the relationship’s camaraderie shouldn’t make new partners feel excluded or awkward. Here you are supposing he might still be romantically emotionally tied and you feel he left your company to go and be with her. That sucks and he should know how you feel.

Maybe he can’t change how he feels but he can be aware of how it makes you feel and it will be in his court as to how he wants to proceed.

@Reggz: You describe him as a very nice, caring person but to me, leaving your present girlfriend to go visit your ex, when you’ve brought your present girlfriend to your hometown where she’s a fish out of water, is not a very considerate person. He may be nice, he may be giving you flowers and stuff, but that’s not too considerate.

My ex-husband and I have had to explain the nature of our relationship to our new partners, and some of them haven’t been thrilled. I have keys to his house, and used to spend every afternoon after school there, with my girls. There’s no way in hell we’d ever get back together, but we are integral parts of one each others’ lives, you know? I’m also still friends with a boyfriend I had about 30 years ago. Sometimes, what you’re worrying about isn’t as it appears to be.

All that said, you do need to talk about this with your boyfriend. If nothing else, he needs to know how it makes you feel, and if there is nothing to it, perhaps he can put your mind at ease. Best of luck with this, and please keep us posted.

@augustlan But, can’t your current husband always be present when you are with your ex? Didn’t you and your ex eventually come to an agreement that you both wanted a divorce? The OP’s example it seems the breakup was one sided, and that she is kind of kept outside of the friendship between her boyfriend and his ex.

I have a close friend who still works with her exhusband at times, and her boyfriend is completely understanding of it. But, she never gives off any signals she would want to get back together with him, and they all have lunch together sometimes, the guys get along, it’s all out in the open.

@JLeslie No, my current husband is frequently not around when the ex and I are together. Oh, but he could be, yes. I see what you’re saying. I’m also inclined to think the worst of this guy’s intentions, but I just don’t want her to rush to judgment. All I meant was that it could be innocent.

@augustlan Yeah, that’s what I meant, that you are fine if he is around, not that he is around every time you are with your ex. He isn’t forbidden from being there, not purposely excluded.

I think it is a vibe the OP is getting, that probably, not definitely, is valid. I know how happy you are with your current husband, so I am sure he doesn’t get a vibe that you would stray back to your ex.

If I were the OP, I would probably not mind if he said, or she said “bring your girlfriend. I would love to meet her.” Then it might be different. I still would probably be bothered by the texting, but I would feel like at least they are including me.