Why do raccoons make ungodly noises in the night?

They scream like a cat fight when they're fighting at night.

I know this is off topic, but I punched a raccoon once that was creeping outside my tent. It snarled at me.

because they are assholes.

Because they're nocturnal and they're evil.

Just last night we had a great rousing raccoon fight out in the backyard. 10 years ago, a fellow San Francisco dogwalker took a pack of 6 dogs to the Presidio and came across a raccoon nest at sunset. The two raccoons charged out and *demolished* all 6 dogs. They couldn't fight their way through the thick fur and city dogs are the physical equivalent of suburban video-game-playing 13 year-old boys on the toughness scale. The dogwalker, Mitch, eventually broke off and found a 2x4. He beat on the raccoons until they relented. All the dogs and Mitch himself were bloodied. Raccoons kick ass.

They’re probably beating the crap out of your neighborhood cat.
A vet told me that a good number of the cat injuries he sees are from raccoons.

raccoons do not fight with each other. I have a raccoon and he is nothing but sweet. people don’t like raccoons because they nest in attics and dig in trash but that is just because thy need a place to stay and food to feed there young. all raccoons are not rabies and they don’t all Carrie diseases humans are devils to them we hurt and kill them. and those noises you hear is them defending there packs from dogs and other things kozzmo is my raccoon and he is not a devil and he makes those noises when ever he sees a dog

Wild sex?

Neighbors were awakened in the middle of the night by what they described as the worse blood cuddling screams from any horror movie…a mother raccoon was giving birth! They heard the mews of the kits, the next day. See my new question: Need a cheap way to get raccoons out of your crawl space?