Why do people insist on asking you how you are doing when they don’t care to hear the truth?

This bothers me sometimes, especially when I am feeling upset or depressed, haha. I think it’s very cultural, though. In France, for instance, a shopkeeper would never ask you “How are you doing?” in a general way, if they didn’t know you, whereas an American shopkeeper might often greet unknown customers this way. I take it as a sign of in the informality of general American culture.

“How ya doin’” is just one of the many ways of saying, “Hello.” “How do you do?” is an older version. It isn’t meant as anything but a greeting. A heartfelt, “How are you?” is more of an invitation to unburden yourself, but not always. It depends on the time you both have available to talk. You might respond to those with, “We’ll have to get together if you want to hear about it.” Then wait for the call. If it is not forthcoming, you’ll know if the question was not truly sincere.

Standard conversation cushioning. Nothing more in most cases.

Social protocol, I don’t take offense, don’t sweat the small stuff. Often it becomes a damned if you do, damned if you don’t dichotomy. If someone doesn’t offer up a proper salutation then people are upset about that too. Meh…you can’t please ALL of the people ALL of the time.

I once worked with an older gentleman as a supervisor – and I use the term specifically to describe him, because he was a very refined, intelligent and thoughtful man, a pleasure to work with – and I think of him every time this question is asked. Unfortunately we were on the job from hell: we were already over budget and behind schedule, the equipment was breaking down and the strategy that had been planned to complete the project was not working out. There was no way that we were going to make money on this job; all we could hope to do was survive it and not lose too much. The customer was asking hard questions about our ability to complete the work on time, and things were still going downhill. On top of this, he had a cold, and he was really feeling miserable one day.

He was invited to a meeting with the customer and he brought me along to help explain our progress and plans. As we walked through the customer’s offices he was greeted by many people there: “Tom! Long time no see! How are you?”

To everyone he gave a big smile and the same general answer, “Marvelous! Doing great!” Before we got to the meeting room, in a private moment I asked him, “Why do you say that? I happen to know that today of all days you’re doing awful.”

I’ll never forget his answer: “Some of those people are really my friends, and if I told them how bad the job was going and how bad I feel today, it would distress them. I don’t want them to feel bad. The ones who aren’t my friends, I don’t want to give them the information to make them feel better.”

I never ask that question, unless I’m honestly interested in how they are really doing.

It’s kind of like when a spanish speaking person says ”¿Qué tal?”. Just a way of greeting. If they ask you how you are doing and look you in the eyes like they really want to hear it and you then tell them your life is one big joke and you would rather be a worm and they don’t care about that, they probably just want you to think they’re nice, but they are just selfish. People are crazy, times are strange.

It is automatic and vacuous. You should have known this already, lol. It depends on the situation: don’t spill your guts to someone early in the morning at work, lol.

It’s like when radio dj’s sign off their show with a cheery “see ya later!”
You’re on the radio….so no you won’t, nor I you.

I think that it is the way that a child was raised. If this was observed throughout their years they also seem to grow up and do the same, either way, saying your fine when you are not or doing the asking even if they don’t care. When I am asked I tell the truth if the one asking is not happy with my answer then that’s their problem. When I ask them the same I really listen to what they to say. Although I really do not ask many people, I do ask my friends, as I care how they are doing. Don’t let it bother you if someone does not like the answer, just keep telling the truth and if they don’t like it they might stop asking.

Why…it’s common courtesy! It just comes out as we speak I guess.

That’s what happens to me sometimes. Although, that is a way to start conversation. And sometimes, I actually do care.

If they are someone you have never met before, how much can you expect them to really care. We are a century or two past that I think.

Do people honestly get upset if your answer isn’t a positive one? I’ve never experienced that, I don’t think. When a complete stranger asks, of course I say I’m fine and return the question to them (“and you?”). If I know the person at all, even if it’s just a cashier I regularly see at the grocery store , I answer truthfully, but briefly. “I’ve been better, but hey, I’m alive, right? How are you?” No one has ever seemed upset by that type of answer.

I honestly love asking people how they are, it shows that you care.

I agree there is a strong cultural element to the use of this phrase. When used it is often an automated question asked rather than a sincere inquiry. It falls into the same area as the clichéd “have a nice day”.

I think there is also a culturally acceptable way of responding too. In most cases, when this is asked by someone you don’t know well, people are not really looking for you to put forward your medical history or actually tell them how you are really feeling. They are looking for an equally automated, off-the-cuff response. “I’m fine”. “Bit tired” or if you are an Australian “not baaddd”. If you don’t know the person well and do actually tell them how you feel and how you feel is like crap… the response is likely to be similar to invading their personal space.

I hope you aren’t feeling bad @Hypocrisy_Central and I do mean that sincerely.