Do you think it is okay to pretend in life?

Oh yes! I work with the public, so I have to pretend that our patrons aren’t total retards! I have to pretend that the predominant religious persuasion in Utah is somewhat valid. I have to pretend that my daughter is doing the best she can for her daughter, even though I know she could do better.

I don’t care that much if people like me, but I would like to keep my job, be able to get along with my co-workers and neighbors, and spare the feelings of those that I love.

To be a functional member of a society requires that you adjust your behavior to accommodate the feelings and interests of others, even if that means acting in a way that doesn’t really reflect your feelings at the time. We do this so often and in so many subtle ways that we’re usually not even aware of it. When I walk into my work in the morning, I smile at people whether or not I feel glad to see them. That’s a kind of pretense, but it’s a necessary social lubricant that keeps thing functioning smoothly, and I do want that.

So even those pretenses actually reveal something important and genuine about me: they reveal that I want my little chunk of society to function smoothly and harmoniously, and that I don’t want to be seen as threatening. On the level of reflecting my feelings, they’re pretense; on the level of reflecting my values, they’re honest.

The thing is that even though these minor pretenses are important to society, they become problematic in relationships because they impede intimacy. Intimacy requires trust, and trust is incompatible with pretense. This is what makes relationships so difficult: you have to eventually drop away most of the little pretenses that we rely on to ease frictions in our larger social world, and trust that the gears of the relationship will mesh well enough to keep running without that oil of pretense.

I think it’s an issue of what is appropriate. When we ask, “how are you?” We don’t want you to give us the entire rundown on your day or week or whatever. Usually this is small talk that is designed to grease the transition into doing something together. We want to focus on the transition, and saying “fine” does that quite well, even if you do have a cold coming on, or if your uncle just passed away, or you are worried about your doctor’s appointment.

Your colleague doesn’t need to know any of that and can’t do anything about it and even if they can, you don’t want them to. You don’t have that relationship with them. So we pretend and we say what is appropriate for the situation.

When I was young, before I understood this, it really bothered me. Why do we ask how we are if we don’t care? I didn’t realize that that question didn’t mean how are you. It means hello, I acknowledge you, let’s have a few more minutes of small talk and then we will be ready to work together.

People need transition time. We need to gently move into the next thing together. For that to happen, we need to put on a mask that is appropriate for the next situation. We need to put on a new role. This isn’t really pretending. It’s just switching off things that are not appropriate and switching on the things we need now.

Funny. It took me decades to figure this out. I mean, I knew intellectually what small talk does, but it seemed wrong for so long until I had finally done it enough to see the effect it had on both others and me.

Now I know how it works and I can introduce real things into the conversation more. I know how to set people at ease, and yet introduce reality with a joke, but not to linger on it too long. I can be both a mensch and focus on the job at hand. It all depends on how the other person responds to me. Sometimes I can see that the other person needs to talk about something before we get down to work. Sometimes I can see they don’t want anything but work. I do what is necessary. It isn’t pretending. It’s being sensitive to social exigencies, I guess.

Yes. In some things, you “fake it til you make it”. That’s a survival thing. Also as @Skaggfacemutt gave good examples of, it’s ok if it gets you your “big picture” goal as far as some harmony with those you care about.

Most definitely. There are days when I want to hide away from the world. Sometimes I don’t want to interact with anyone. Sometimes I even want to sever a few heads, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in jail, so I find pretending to be the better option. I get up and get on with what I need to do. I definitely agree with faking it ‘til you make it.
If I’m having a tough time of it, I tend to think of myself as a director of a film, my life being the film. It helps to give me the distance I need from whatever is going on and it’s much more enjoyable.

Yes. Pretending helps lift you up if you’re in a funk. Focusing on someone besides yourself in a cheerful way is therapeutic, even if you don’t feel cheerful. Just being polite with a smile on your face is helpful. You can let it all out when you get home, but your body as well as your mind, will be glad for the rest from the gloom and doom.