How does one get rid of shame and guilt?

Forgive yourself; you aren’t perfect.

There are at least one thing I did that I cannot forgive myself for and shouldn’t. I live with it and regret it every time I think about it. It was excruciatingly hurtful to someone due to my own thoughtlessness and self-absorption. Nothing I could do will absolve me. Actually, on the brighter side, I think it’s good for me to know that part of my character is that unwittingly cruel. I’ve grown into a more considerate person, thank God.

I think memories like this pop up from time to time to show us how far we have moved beyond the shaming event. The feelings get progressively less over time. The importance, to me anyway, is the recognition of our own ability to push our own buttons is brought to the present mind for reflection.

I tell someone or say the memory aloud. That takes it out of the dark corners of my mind. Then I think about whether if someone else I knew had done what I did would I think badly of them for it. The answer is almost always, “No, I would not think badly if a friend told me thay had done whatever my memory is.” That almost always relives the guilt and shame.

The question implies that in all cases you can get rid of it.
Sometimes, you simply live with it.

For some things I’ve told myself they weren’t directly about me and anyone who would hold those things against me, I don’t need to even think about who they are or bothering to get involved with them. It’s been freeing to let myself “disengage” to an extent of selfishly investing in mostly people I deem positive to me.

I’m not so sure getting rid of it is a good thing. It signals that there’s some unresolved inner conflict that needs to be looked at. I use it as an invitation to look for the roots of that conflict.

Sometimes I find that the guilt is just some old relic of a bygone values system, and when I clearly see that, it loses its hold. Or if I find that the shame comes from some other person’s ideas about what I should be, then seeing that clearly frees me from it. Or if it turns out to be a case of having made myself look ridiculous, then I can just see that in the end, that turned out not to matter.

But when I find that the shame is the echo of some real harm I did in the past, then I’m not so quick to dismiss it. Yeah, I know that there’s a sense in which the present is all there is, and that there is no continuous “me” to bear the burden of past actions. That’s great, but I can’t let this blind me to the potential I have to repeat that shit. The unpleasantness of the shame I feel about those past harms is an important reminder to watch out. It’s not a good feeling, but it’s on my team.

Although I rarely agree with @josie , this time I do….. sometimes you just have to live with it.

I also like mindfulness. Through it, I have learned how to let go of those kinds of thoughts. Also, having an increasingly bad memory is real helpful, because I no longer have those memories of old shames. I can’t say I cultivated this technique deliberately, but perhaps I have.

In any case, I practice letting go of thoughts that aren’t helpful. It started by forgiving myself for being unable to let go of those thoughts and allowing myself to think about them as much as I wanted, since I had no control over them. Somehow, this self-forgiveness and giving up of trying to stop things gave me the power to let go. Not instantly, but after a while.

I think feeling good about myself also helped. Not that I know how that happened. It kinda just did. Maybe it was the meds. Or maybe it was getting positive feedback from others.

Oh yes. Positive feedback. That helped me immensely! Finding out that people liked some of the things I wrote was amazing! It became harder and harder to convince myself that I was a no-good, useless doofus. People actually took me seriously at times. Slowly, that feedback helped me feel better about myself, which enabled me to stop bothering about the guilt and shame so much.

SImilarly, a different philosophy of life helped. I discovered that my old philosophy was essentially causing me to beat myself up every day. For who? For what? I gradually realized that I didn’t have to save the world. I didn’t have to be perfect. I didn’t have to be anything. I could let it all go and just do a little bit—whatever was necessary in my daily life. That really helped me let go of the weight of self-expectations that was impossible to achieve.

One thing that doesn’t work for me is affirmations. They always make me feel worse. They don’t work the way they are supposed to, which makes me feel like I am doing something wrong, which makes me feel bad about myself, which makes me feel worse. But I have permission not to do them, and that makes me feel good.

I agree with josie that sometimes guilt is appropriate, but most of the time for me it is indulgent self-torment. I try to break off the inner scorn and substitute a gentle “it’s ok” repetition, or think of music that makes me calm. Sometimes I think about how no one remembers the shameful moment except me, but I’m never really sure about that. If nothing else works I try telling myself that I have people who love me, and they would tell the snarling voice in my head that they don’t want it talking to their friend that way.

I’m not sure of how to get rid of it entirely. I think that for everyone there are some things that if you do them, you can no longer be the person that you were because you have betrayed some quality that you have made a part of yourself. Like Winston in 1984 after he screamed “Do it to Julia” when O’Brien was going to let the rats eat his face – he could no longer be Winston, because Winston was the person who loved Julia. Buy short of these things, I think redemption is possible. I think accepting the reality that you are someone who could, and did, do this thing is the way.

Usually sharing it with someone helps. If they are close friends our family they usually have some story that is similar, and it makes me feel like I am not alone that everyone makes mistakes.

I see a lot of people who carry shame related to their childhood. Not somethingnthey did themselves, but about their home life, their parents, or a bad event. In those cases definitely sharing helps in my opinion everyone has epmathy for a child who had crappy things happen. And, even if there was nothing very crappy, almost everyone has some sort of dysfunction in their family, and I think once people who feel like they got the short straw in the family they got stuck with realize almost everyone has shortish straws in one way or another, I think they feel less isoated.

For thoughts that are just for a fleeting moment, I just occupy myself with other things and try not to obsess.

I carry no guilt nor shame. I’ve spoken some unkind words in my life but that’s about it. Still, one must be self forgiving, when you know better you do better and that’s about all you can say. I don’t think anyone should carry around shame and guilt if they have recognized the error of their ways, and apologized or made amends if possible.
The only sane and healthy thing to do is let go and move on.

Guilt and shame are wasted emotions, we can all fall from grace but you don’t have to dwell there forever, that’s a choice.

I have made amends where I could. Now I try to stay in the present and not do stuff that I will regret later. When a person with whom I had serious issues was dying, a shrink told me to treat him in a fashion that I will not regret when he is dead. It was good advice and I still try to follow it in most all situations. It doesn’t always work, but hey, what does???? You just have to muddle through the gray days knowing they will pass.

Shame and guilt are difficult things. I have to agree with @thorninmud to a certain extend. Personally, I don’t think shame and guilt are necessarily bad, outmoded things. Shame and guilt are there to remind us that we have done something wrong, something that is not up to our own standards, our own personal, moral and/or ethical standard. In a perfect world we would acknowledge this, do our best or what we can to right our wrongs, learn from them and move on. Easier said than done.

But @Hawaii_Jake, I am wondering, when you say that a “business failure from over a decade ago flashed through my mind. At its base was shame…” did you actually do something that you should be ashamed of or feel guilty about in this particular circumstance, or are you just ashamed of and feel guilty simply for failing? That seems different. We all fail. My dad used to tell me not to regret because “you made the best decisions you could, with the information you had available at the time.” I’ve always thought that was some pretty good advice, but again, easier said than done.

I have guilt and shame issues myself. I just can’t seem to let go of some things but I try to as best I can. I try to forgive myself and try to understand that I was who I was then, but I am who I am now, I am not that person anymore. I still screw up, more than I’d like to, but what the hell? I’m only human, right?

and @Hawaii_Jake,

You’re Fuckin’ Perfect

Don’t ever forget that.

:-)

Though the punctuation and spelling on the lyrics in the youtube video are kind of less than fuckin’ perfect, I have to acknowledge that.

Mine are there to remind me that I am human. I am ok with these flashes in time because they either humble me or kick me in the ass to make sure I don’t make the same mistake.

I practice the thought that as long as I tried my hardest and did all I could. I also practice “The Four Agreements” as a framework, but again we are human and make mistakes.

When I start to feel guilty, it usually means I have some PR work to do. So I straighten my spine, grit my teeth, remind myself that I am an adult, examine the issue and determine whether I need to work on myself or make amends with someone else.

Then I do it.

I no longer feel shame.

If you made a simple mistake, you need to forgive yourself for overlooking whatever it is that you overlooked in order to make the mistake. If there was a reason you overlooked it, or if you did something else because a of a deeper reason, you need to find out what that is.

I had a memory that came up every once in a while; one of those ones that just make your stomach sink just thinking about it. I was on a dangerous road – a really dangerous road – and someone was tail-gating me. Given the death toll on this stretch of road per year, I couldn’t believe this person was so close. They were also in a big truck and I was in a little hatchback. They kept pushing up to the back of my car, I actually thought he was going to ram me off the road, but there was no where to pull over. I was so angry and stressed and when he finally passed me, I gave him the finger. Then I realized it was someone I knew and the whole time he was trying to get my attention and was waving at me from behind, but I couldn’t see through his dark windshield from my rear view mirror. I felt like such an idiot. I was too quick to judge and we both pulled over down the road and I couldn’t even look at him. It was someone I knew who saw a candid, darker moment where I was too quick to react without thinking about it better. Anyway every time I thought about it, my stomach just went crazy. But once I realized that the reason I did it was because I was being too much of a hot head and was reacting too quickly and allowing road rage to take control, I don’t do things like that anymore. I never honk at people, even if they’re complete jerks on the road. The only time I would use the horn is if I think someone is going to actually turn into me or something, but that hasn’t happened. Actually, I now notice other people becoming more stressed and quick to honk on the road, and I feel like I’ve come quite far. I don’t feel sulky guilt or shame anymore when I think about that, because I know I have been able to positively change my behaviour and I’m confident I wouldn’t do something like that again.

@foraginggirl: But… Even if it turned out to be your friend waving at you, he was still tailgating you driving a truck on a very dangerous road, right? I think I’d be even angrier at a friend than at a stranger for doing that…

@bookish1 Yes, well, he was one of those, “I could drive that road with my eyes closed” types. Which is also annoying. But the point was that he was trying to get my attention and I had written the person off as a jerk-off when he wasn’t trying to be a jerk; he was just trying to get my attention. Aw well, at the time and for years after I felt so embarrassed about it!

He was trying to get your attention in an immature and exceedingly dangerous way. You have every right to be angry and frankly, by not telling him off, made it easier for him to continue to do things that might endanger others. He may have been a friend, but he was also an asshole and giving him a free pass because he is a friend is not helpful to the world.

@wundayatta: You put it better than I could have, but that was my sentiment as well. Intention is not magic, and I dare say the majority of the time, people are not jerks because they set out to be jerks, but because they are not thinking.

repentance

[mod says] This is our Question of the Day!

Well, I usually lock it away and try never to think about it. Healthy, huh?

one thing that always helps me when I start to regret how I have acted in the past is to try to take myself back to that moment in time… and based on what I knew and who I was then, I wouldn’t have known to act any other way. You learn and move on.

A powerful method is

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-compassion

developed my professor Kristin Neff.

@mattbrowne Or, as Pink said in her song Fuckin’ Perfect

You’re so mean when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.

Without shame and guilt we cannot evolve into a better person…but most importantly, we must learn to forgive in order to become happier people and attract positive things in our lives.

There is only person who can remove shame and guilt in your life and that is Jesus. When He died on the cross, He removed all your sins, past, present, and future.