How do you deal with the loss of someone dear to you?

First, I’m sorry for your loss. Your pain is real. Don’t let anyone tell you to snap out of it.

So far, I’ve only lost grandparents. I haven’t lost a very close friend, lover, husband, child, sibling, or parent.

When I lost a grandparent, I allowed myself to cry openly. Gradually, that subsided. I went through a time of wanting them back, and then the realization of their being gone struck home. I was crying again.

I didn’t try to stop it that time either. I simply let it flow.

I think that’s what helped me the most was letting the emotions flow.

I also had a very good therapist and could talk about it. Talking helped.

I lost a close uncle, and I used old photos to remember good times since I couldn’t attend the funeral. It helped a lot. I lost a close cousin and did the same.

I think the best thing was not denying myself my sincere emotions.

Oh, and don’t forget to breathe.

Blessing to you.

I got a tattoo and I cry and whine about it as much as I want. Everyone has different coping skills. If keeping busy and fluthering does the trick then keep at it.

I’ve been distracting myself, mostly by trying not to be alone with my thoughts. I live with my best friend, so that works well most I the time. Video games and fantasy/sci-fi books help when friends are not around. Fluther, too.

I don’t know how to escape the thoughts when I’m doing something like exercising, walking my dog, or especially listening to music with words. I sat down to a huge chicken pot pie yesterday night at a restaurant, and Fire & Rain came on, and my boyfriend and I were just utterly stricken. The poor server had no idea what to make of us, getting all sad and hurrying out. We were chuckling about it in the car afterwards. That’s another thing, I guess – humor strikes at the oddest moments, even in the depth of grief. And while it doesn’t really make me feel better, it sort of reminds me that life is still happening, even though every time I wake up and stop being distracted, my friend keeps being dead.

I don’t know when distracting myself to be able to function becomes avoiding the grief. I’m trying to put it off until we all see each other at her memorial in a week or two. I think that being with the other people that knew her in our little group will help.

Damn. I thought I was ok to write this post. But now I can’t breathe again. I’m so sorry about your loss.

You just try to keep going. Losing someone you love and the grief is just something you have to do. You just have to go through and then you come out on the other side, after time. You are never quite the same but over time it becomes easier to deal with. And sometimes you don’t cope with it. There are some days, sometimes, when grief and loss and missing the someone you loved is almost more than you can stand and you just try to get through those days, those moments, as best you can. And it gets better, with time. You have to find what works for you.

Grieving the loss of someone you loved and cared for is a very personal thing. Do whatever you need to do and what helps you and don’t letting anyone tell you that “you should” or “you shouldn’t” whatever. You have to do it the way you have to do it.

But walking, just walking around downtown on my lunch break or around my neighborhood in the evenings, at a good quick pace, sometimes helped me. But it’s complicated. I grieved the loss of each of my parents in different ways. And many of my emotions and my anxiety often take a very physical form; I feel them in my body and walking helped me but I don’t know if it will help you but that’s really the only concrete suggestion I can offer because, as I said, I think grieving is a very personal process and you need to kind of figure it out for yourself, I think.

Thank you, all of you.

I lost a dear person last January in a senseless car accident. It was devastating when he died.

To cope, I did several different things. I gave back to his family—helped create a memory box with DVDs of his school plays, a bound copy of his writings that I collected from his teachers and friends, stuff like that. Giving back was amazingly therapeutic.

A few of his friends and I went to his gravesite, wrote letters to him at the site, then burned them in a bowl. It’s based on a Native American ritual—the letters are supposed to go up in to smoke to the other side. It was simply a ritual but felt very powerful.

I allow myself to be reminded of him every now and then when I see things that are related to him—I see those reminders as if they’re quiet “hellos” from him. I enjoy pictures with him in it—they do make me tear up, but I also know he’s made the world better just by being here and I appreciate the fact I knew him.

Instead of connecting his memories to his death, I leave his memories intact—with him alive and separate the death from the memories. It works for me—I see his death as one step in his life, and focus more on what he did while alive.

It is not easy, I cried a lot but I got to where I can see his picture, say hello and smile. Do things that feel right for you and allow yourself to grieve in the way that feels right for you. I’m sorry for your loss.

I was fortunate to be in a hospital with therapists when I found out my mother had died. Even though I did I still had to go through the stages of grief (well, somewhat) The one thing that still takes me by suprise is that every once in a while I have a moment of intense grief. Don’t blame yourself for ANYTHING you feel. You may or may not go through what everyone else does. I know other people have said this, but you will react in your own way. Don’t expect yourself to follow a timeline in your grief.
I’m sorry for your loss also. There IS light at the end of that tunnel. You may not see it yet, but there is.

@GracieT I used to refer to that as “drive-by grief;” after my mother died. Months and months, even for several years, on occasion, like a drive-by shooting, all of a sudden, this intense grief would come over me, almost out of nowhere, hit me hard and then move on.

The “drive-by grief” can happen for any sort of grieving and loss, not just for deaths. I think grief is one of the least understood emotions—it’s a very solitary process, but support is needed.

@linguaphile Yes, of course, all sorts of things can hit you, seemingly out of nowhere, all of a sudden.

Everyone deals with death differently. Eventually, you will find your way of coping. When my father died, it hit me hard. We knew it was coming, but it’s still a shock. I went through a period where I wanted to be alone. I was very anti social and didn’t want to go see friends. I told them why and they were supportive of it. I said I would come out of it, but for a few months I needed a lot of time for myself. Then after coming to grips with the situation, I began to socialize again. Then I kind of over socialized for a few moths. I was dating 3 guys at once, drinking a lot more that I usually do, and kind of letting myself go. I was angry. Then I came to the realization one day what I was doing and scaled everything back to where I am now. Pretty much back to who I was before he died. I have my moments when I just sit there and cry, but I have dealt with every emotion I could and grieved his loss.

One thing that may help: find a way to memorialize your friend. It may be planting a tree or making a donation in your friend’s name. Something that would be special for you both. Or volunteer for something that was an interest of your friend, if you have the time.
The only thing to overcome grief, really, is to keep going until time passes and you find you at last have a day you don’t think about it; then, a week. etc. You will always have your memories and will enjoy them more as time passes.

I’m so sorry for your loss, KP. As others have said, everyone grieves differently and there is no right way to go about it. Just be sure to let yourself feel however you feel, and give yourself plenty of time to heal. Be kind to yourself in the meantime. {hugs}

Oh, how sad you must feel. I’m so sorry. Getting through it is different for everybody. When I lost my sister, everything felt off, and I shut down sometimes, other times I cried. Now that a year and a half is past, I am still not dealing with important life decisions well, I don’t cry as much, and I can talk about her and say her name without tears. sometimes. I still want her back.

@lillycoyote, That saying of yours, “drive-by grief,” is exactly right. I never know when it’ll hit, and it’s usually just a small twinge. @Sunny2, your suggestion are spot on. I never would have thought about suggesting memorializing your friend, that is a terrific idea.

I let myself grieve as long as it takes. If I’m having a day where they come to mind and I start crying, I just let it happen and then keep on keeping on. I’m not sure the sad spells of passed loved ones ever go away completely. Sometimes I talk with mutual friends and we share the sad moment together and then reflect on the good stuff.

First of all I would like to give you my condolences for your loss of a loved one. I can only imagine how painful it may be to you right now. Sadly as I’m not familiar with that type of pain I cannot give you concrete input on how to deal with it best however from the little I know, I reckon I should share it with you, regardless of whether you may find it useful or not.

Grieving is the best way to deal with a loss, nevertheless there are ways to grieve…and regarding those I am firm believer that regarding “heavily” on any kind os substances can be quite dangerous at this stage of your life (where habits and addictions can be created by trying to flee from pain). Doesn’t matter if it’s alcohol or just weed, I can’t tell you not to turn to them but I can tell you that it’s good not to abuse of either, least you become dependent on them to carry on living (further destroying your life). Crying seems to be the best option from what I’ve learned, it doesn’t quite dull the pain but it helps deal with the pain and explore it so that you may understand it and learn to grow with it.

Revenge and anger are also not emotions you want to submit to as they shape your thoughts and lead you to think of unproductive, unnecessary and dangerous things. It’s best to just accept the reality of the pain, blame no one (not yourself and especially not others) and “keep swimming” aka dealing with the other lesser and greater aspects of your life.

I can t sleep I don t like things I used to like, everything is black and I cannot stop crying. I don t know what to do

@alexita, how long has it been? Just hours, a day, a month, a year? Sometimes you just do some thing you know how to do. Sometimes you find something new to learn, even if it only takes you five minutes to learn it. Sometimes you just cry and stare at the black. Sometimes you sleep and let time work its healing. Don’t think about whether you like something or not, just do what you know and add to your repertoire, just keep going…