There are two excellent books I’m going to recommend you read ASAP. You are obviously an intelligent person but lack life experience in dealing with alcoholics. Unfortunately, Alcoholism/addiction does not respond to intelligence. The only person who can help an addict is the person themselves. As long as you remain in the situation as a “helper” you are only helping to prolong his addiction. That may sound harsh but it is the absolute truth. Just ask any recovering alcoholic/addict and they will tell you the exact same thing just as everyone in this thread is trying to get across to you.
But everything you write indicates the degree to which you are enmeshed with this guy in a very unhealthy way. Your motives are pure. But your methodology is the problem. It’s bass-ackward.
His children are not your responsibility. I hate to put it that bluntly but that is the truth.
You didn’t CAUSE his problem and you can’t CHANGE it and you cant CURE it. I know whereof I speak. I grew up with two alcoholic parents and my younger brother ended up following in their footsteps. I thought I could rescue him. I had to find out the hard way that I was wrong.
He is a happy sober person today but he had to get fed up with his situation on his own and find help for himself. No matter how badly I wanted to help him, he had to want it FOR HIMSELF.
The same is true for this guy or any other addict. Derailing your own life for him or his kids will not change him. It will just screw up your life.
His brother and other family members obviously have refused to allow themselves to be used by him any longer. What you perceive as being mean is simply them having reached the end of their rope with him.
This is what addicts/alcoholics do. They use people. It’s the nature of the disease. The only people who are immune to this are those who refuse to give in to their charms and won’t allow themselves to be used.
Of course you think he’s a nice guy. Alcoholics can be some the most winsome and charming people on the planet. This is how people end up enabling them.
You desperately need to add to yourself the ability to fully and truly understand one word. Please don’t take it as an insult or judgement. Just learn about it and you’ll realize this. Then you will begin to find your way to how to deal with this situation.
The word is CO-DEPENDENT. You may think you know what it means but after reading a few books about it you will really know it.
For starters, there are two excellent books, both available from Amazon. The sooner you read them the sooner you’ll know what you need to do. Please don’t say to yourself that you don’t have the time. You need to make the time to help yourself.
“Understanding Codependency” by Sharon Weggscheider-Cruse
“Codependent N0 More” by Melody Beattie
And for the record, I don’t think that 20 miles (or 20 mins. by car) is too far away for an Al Anon meeting. I think it could be tremendously helpful to get some feedback from others also walking in your shoes. As someone earlier mentioned, even tho you aren’t blood- related to him, situationally speaking, you are acting as if he is your family since you feel responsible for him and his children as well.
Good luck dealing with this and after it’s resolved, regard it as a valuable everlasting life lesson.
The life lesson I learned for myself from growing up with it can be summed up very simply. Regarding being involved with alcoholics/addicts, there is one iron-clad rule: DON’T.