Am I too innocent for my age?

I don’t think it is your innocence per se that is causing the problem. It sounds like you are not into getting to know people so how could they help but find you odd? You have also said that your manner of dress is different. That doesn’t help either.

Have you sought treatment for your social anxiety?

People are really not all bad, and if you gave it a chance you might even like some of them.

It’s not so much that it is looked down upon so much as society has equated innocence to being naïve. Anyway, it’ll probably take more time for you than us average joes and janes but I’d bet that there are people out there who won’t look down upon you, won’t laugh at your innocence. It’s a big world full of people of so many different backgrounds and walks of life. And if one person doesn’t belong here, than no one does.

No, you aren’t too innocent – but you are expecting others to be innocent as well, and that is something of a problem.

I would not say too innocent either, but it sounds like you are closed off from the world to some extent as a protection mechanism. That you choose to be as you are out of fear. You mentioned something happened to you, I can understand how a traumatic event might lead you to not trust and to want to stay away from people. Dressing as you do might be a subconscious way of keeping people away. This has been observed with some women who are overweight, they fear advances from men or are afraid of being rejected, so they gain weight to comfort themselves with food and make themselves less attractive to men and even people in general. Just something to think about. I could be way off.

I also have a mental disorder and it has taught me that it is a really bad idea for me to get into the business of judging myself. When I do that, I can easily rip myself apart and send myself into a depression that will end up with me thinking too much about suicide. It’s all because I beat myself up, and it all starts with one judgment or another.

I’m not too innocent, but that’s exactly the kind of thing I might start thinking about and next thing I know, I deciding I really have no reason to live because I’m too innocent. Too weird. Too different.

People often make fun of the differences between them and others. They’ll pick on anyone for being different and especially in a socially unacceptable way.

I really wish we could stop judging each other. I won’t judge you for your innocence if you don’t judge me for my sexual desires. People would judge both of us. Different ones might think we’re good or bad, and sometimes the same ones might think we’re good or bad.

Why can’t we be different and not have that be an excuse to be beaten up? If you want to be innocent, that’s fine. It’s not hurting me. If it hurts you, then you might consider learning more, but that’s up to you.

Acceptance of self is crucial, I think. Especially if you suffer from a mental disorder. One in five people with my disorder die of it. That is outrageous! If people could be more accepting of our outrageous behavior, which mostly doesn’t hurt anyone else—it just makes people uncomfortable—then it wouldn’t be as big a reason to feel worthless. It wouldn’t be a reason to die.

Innocence isn’t really something our world can have too much of, but I don’t believe that your innocence is the problem here. Innocence, in my mind, is the inability to see the darkness in the world, and it seems like you have a grasp on that. Innocence and sexual humor aren’t really related, although some do interpret innocence to be related to sex, which in my view it isn’t.

To me, it seems like you aren’t attempting to relate to the world on the world’s terms. Dressing in ways that pull you away from the crowd, not trying to learn to behave lie all the other people are signs that you want to stand out. And there is nothing wrong with that. You are different and you may as well be proud of it. But the general population has some very strict (unspoken) rules about dress and behavior. And if you stand beyond those rules, the general population is apt to ignore or deride you.

Easy way? Learn to dress and act like others.

Hard way? Look for people that can accept and love you as you are now. I promise, there is someone out there who will truly understand and appreciate you. (This does require you looking. Generally, the people we want to meet don’t come to us, we have to find them)

“I don’t like to laugh along because it’s something I personally don’t approve of.” Innocence is when you don’t understand. When you don’t approve it’s called prudery. And yeah, we look down on that.

Innocence, naivete, shyness, and prudishness are different things. Innocence is not frowned upon, but naivete will get you targeted mercilessly. And FSM forbid if you actually disapprove of the way normal people act! As @6rant6 points out, the only people who like prudes are other prudes; the other 99% of us don’t want anything to do with that sort of uptight attitude, and often recommend a stick-ectomy, And there really is no innocence among any sane person of normal intellect above the age of about 10.

It sounds to me like you are happier with solitude than with yourself. I figure that because if you were happy with yourself, you wouldn’t care if others accepted you or not. If you reject others before they even have a chance to decide whether to accept/reject you, then what you are actually doing is rejecting yourself.

However, if you reject others simply because they don’t meet with your standards of clean living, then you will be rejected as nobody likes snooty, condescending people. You can disapprove of others, but they have the same right to disapprove of your disapproval, and they will do so as your looking down on others is at least as bad as them looking down on you.

As for the old-fashioned attire (vintage dresses and all), some people actually like that. Look into Steampunk ;)

A lot of people dress modestly and don’t swear and try not to laugh at the dirty jokes. It’s a good thing, though. Shows that you have high personal standards.
The above posts are correct: crudes don’t like prudes, and prudes don’t like crudes, and the crudes, at least, will try to pull you down to their level. You should decide which is more important to you.

Oh my little darling. The world does not have nearly the innocence it should, but, one must learn to be discriminating. Thing is, while you will, most likely, have your fall from from grace, the trick is to not ever, and I mean EVER, become jaded.
You WILL take your lumps, but never, EVER, renounce your childlike innocence.

Life will educate you, but, always better to err on the side of beauty rather than darkness.
I have learned to be more discriminating, but….always trust until given a reason not to.
Amended of course with the wisdom earned.

This IS the secret of life, to remain open inspite of the darkness you will encounter. :-)

@Nullo There is more to it than that though. I know plenty of non-prudes who don’t swear, don’t laugh at dick jokes, etcetera. The difference between having high personal standards and being a prude is how they deal with people. It’s not that crudes try to lower the standards of those who do not like the way we behave; it’s that crudes object to the self-righteousness of the “holier-than-thou” crowd.

And it may not be prudishness in play here. PTSD does funny things to some people, and it seems like the OP is trying to distance themselves from people in every way possible; dressing differently, not approving of their jokes, avoiding them whenever possible, etcetera. And having been cloistered for 8 years really doesn’t help, especially if you think you are ready to get back into the world and find that it isn’t the same one you left. That sort of culture shock can add to any existing fear and other problems and turn into a full-blown crippling disability.

But back to the original question, what some people call innocence became something that is looked down on ever since people started looking down on us ball-scratching people and started acting smugly superior. Now, show of hands; who here likes to be considered inferior? Who likes to have people look down their nose at you, and be told that you are lower than they are just because you don’t have a stick up your ass? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller?

Are you religious?

But I kinda understand you :) Mine is more of a family and cultural thing though. If you say you are innocent, then you are. If you are then you’d know it. I don’t think you should. hange yourself, but if you haven’t truly found yourself yet go ahead and do it.
You said you like nature. Go for it and explore more. Go somewhere magical by yourself and try to write perhaps?
Also, go for what you don’t like. I know this sounds ridiculous but it helped me immensely tofind myself. I have a rebellious nature, and I can’t stand rules. I went to a place where there was endless rules and simple-minded people. I stood out and afterwards now I know me more.

Don’t be afraid to take risks.

how tall are you and how much do you weigh ?

I do not see this so much as being innocent or not but as a question concerning social involvement. Let me ask what may seem like some odd questions. How good are you in your appreciation of nature? Can you identify individual plant species? Have you done any reading on nature? The reason for the questions is that nature may be a hook for you to relate to others. I don’t know what it is like where you live, but where I live there are a number of nature centers that are always in need of knowledgeable people to do volunteer work. I have been to a few of the nature centers and met with some of these volunteers. They are incredible. Many of them can identify a large number of plants, often with the Latin name, and tell some interesting facts about them. You may want to consider doing work at such places. It would provide a safe way for you to relate to others, with the understanding, of course, that flowers are all about sex, but in a way that I trust you will find non-threatening.

I wanted to add, you should not care at all what young people say. That your sister teases you. She is being competitive and mean. Trying to make herself feel better by putting you down and making fun of you. I promise as you get older people most are much less critical about what you wear and other surface things, and more interested in you as a person. I still think maybe you might be separating yourself from society a little, but you say you want friends, are you doing anything to make friends? Approaching others? Striking up a conversation? I don’t know what you are wearing exactly, but if you are waiting for others to make the first move to want to be friends, then conforming a little would make it more likely. But, more than anything, more than how you dress, standing tall, walking with confidence, and smiling at everyone, will attract people. Even when you feel depressed or shy putting on a “show” kind of fake it til you make it will help you. Once you do it enough, the confidence thing, it will be less of a show and part of you. One little change (maybe you already do walk around tall and smiling I could be way off again) can snowball into many many positive changes. You act differently and people reposnd to you differently.

I think you should focus on your mental health and happiness and not what others are saying. Have you seen a therapist? You are at a very difficult time in life, I assume you are either finishing school, early in your career, or trying to find a job. That time in life is very scary and confusing for most people, you are not alone in how you feel, however you do feel.

@JLeslie Correct on the “fake it until you make it” and conforming a little. And you can do that without losing yourself either; I’m still a hardcore gamer and computer geek. Granted, most of the people I am friends with are fellow gamers and/or bitheads, but by starting with people like me, I learned to make friends and not be afraid of people in general.
Thing is, you have to want to change, and be willing to compromise a little. For me, that often means abstaining from obscure terminology and trying to remember that most people don’t have the technical knowledge I do, but I am willing to dumb things down a little if theta what I have to do to get along and get by.

I only joined this place yesterday so I am not sure how to respond to all of you. Concerning people, well I have an extreme fear of them and any social situations I have to avoid. See I have been diagnosed with severe social phobia and also agoraphobia. I even find it uncomfortable being around my family, which hurts me alot because I love them very much and I wish I could be with them without feeling like I’m being judged, or stared at, or having these unreasonable negative thoughts that are just torturous to my mind. The doctor told me that it was secondary school that was the result of this disorder. I was humiliated and bullied, both physically and verbally up to the point where I felt like killing myself. My parents decided to take me out of school for my own safety and teach me at home instead. Due to my condition, my confidence, self esteem, and courage has completely gone. I can’t help but think negatively most of the time. @Aethelflaed I am not expecting others to be innocent, I’m aware of what other people are like and how they choose to be. @JLeslie Dressing as I do isn’t because I want people to stay away, it’s simply because I prefer to wear vintage clothing, it’s modest and I find the fitted dresses particularly beautiful. @athenasgriffin Thankyou for you’re kind and honest words. The problem is though, if I started to dress and act like everybody else then I wouldn’t be staying true to myself. The clothes I wear and the attitude I have is a part of who I am, I wouldn’t really want to change that. @jerv Unfortunately what you say is easier said than done. My sister for example takes drugs, is an alcoholic, talks sexual alot of the time, shoplifts, and has tried to get me into the same things as her. I wouldn’t call it snooty if I dissaprove of what she does, it’s just my oppinion. Bad association spoils useful habits. Also I can’t help but distance myself from people, this is certainly not the way I wanted it to turn out like, but sadly this is what social phobia does to a person when it becomes severe. It’s true that many might think we’re being cold towards them, but nobody knows what it’s like until they actually experience something like this for themselves. Honestly, some of the things you’re saying are damaging here and it looks like a few misunderstand so thats why I’m trying to explain myself more. Thankyou all for answering and giving you’re oppinions.

Well, @Rebecca1, I must agree that there is nothing wrong with disapproving of a total loser. Yeah, I know a lot of pot smokers, a few people into harder stuff, and more than a few drunks (not merely social drinkers, but actual alcoholics), and I find nothing snooty about not wanting to be a drunken crackhead thief. I personally see nothing wrong with a couple joints and a few beers, but the line has to be drawn somewhere.

I used to be afraid of people, though for a different reason; I didn’t understand them at all, and (like most humans) feared what I couldn’t comprehend. It took me a long time to develop enough understanding to even try to overcome that fear. And even now, I sometimes get accused of being cold or distant. Hell, I wasn’t terribly sociable when I was your age; it really took a while. And I was bullied too, so I know how rough that can be.

I think I speak for many when I say that misunderstandings are a regrettable consequence of trying to address a complex thing in relatively few words. There are a lot of things going on, and a single paragraph isn’t enough to convey all of the data required for an informed opinion. I have more that I want to say about that, but lunch is short and smartphones aren’t great for typing on, so I will have to get back to this discussion later.

@Rebecca1 I can really empathesize with how paralyzing agoraphobia can be, and anxiety in general. I am truly sorry you have been through so much stress and difficult times.

I said above that you should not listen to your sister’s criticisms, and I think it even more now. I am sure you love her, but she is obviously a mess, and she probably knows it herself, and she in a way is lashing out at you to try and feel better about herself. She is probably very insecure, anxious and depressed herself. She went the self medicating route to drown her sorrows I guess.

You obviously have been treated by a therapist, have they been able to help you at all? I don’t think you have to change how you dress, really I don’t, I just thought I would point out conforming a little might make meeting people easier, but it was just a suggestion, I think you should be as true to yourself as you can be.

I know anxiety feels like a complete loss of control, it is, but I want you to know that I believe it is something you can hopefully overcome. I had a lot of anxiety for several years, and was able to get past it. What helped me was understanding better the perspective of the people who had hurt me. Mine was related to my health care, and doctors left me an emotional mess. I was not agoraphobic, but ot did make me feel like I did not want to take any risks with the outside world. Paul Dean, the famous chef, she had intense agoraphobia for years and overcame it. I don’t give these examples to make you feel badly, like you should be able to just get better already, not at all. They are only to let you know that the future might be much better, very different than you ever could imagine.

Welcome to fluther by the way. I hope nobody upset you with their answers. We tend tp be very honest and blunt, but most people here also really care about the well beings of others and genuinely want to be helpful.

@Rebecca1 Being aware of what other people think and say, and being ok with that, are two different things. You’ve said pretty explicitly that you don’t approve of sexual jokes; that lack of approval is the judgment. If you don’t find the jokes funny, don’t laugh, but don’t expect others your age to stop making them, and realize that making a dirty joke isn’t really on the level of substance abuse or shoplifting. If your relationship with your sister is hurting you, then deal with that, but her life isn’t actually up for your approval, nor is anyone else’s, so unless the shoplifting is somehow affecting your relationship – like, she’s asking you to help her – then it sounds more like you’re mad someone else isn’t living up to your standards.

On a different note, have you tried getting trauma-based therapy?

@jerv I agree that the line has to be drawn at some point, but she doesn’t seem to know when to stop. Her behaviour has caused shame and embarrasment to other people and both of my parents strongly disaprove of her lifestyle. She is still my sister though and I just have to remember the great times we spent together in the past. Those memories of how she used to be will hopefully always stay in our minds.

I’m really sorry to hear that you were bullied too. At least we can relate to each other a little there. I don’t understand why kids feel the need to pick on others, especially if the person finds it difficult to stand up for themselves, it just isn’t right.

@JLeslie It’s okay, we are all going through life’s difficulties in one way or another. It’s a challenge I guess. I just never realised how awful things can actually be, I can only describe it as I don’t feel in controll of my own mind anymore. Everything looks black and empty, there dosen’t seem to be any light. I feel as if I fail at everything I do. Instead of finding answers to my problems, i see alot of closed doors instead if you know what I mean. To put it simply, it feels like I am living in a kind of hell hole.

As for my sister, the strange thing is that she is one of the happiest people, she tells her friends this too. It’s only when she can’t get her own way that she is depressed and hates everyone. I’m pretty sure her boyfriend has alot to do with her happiness.

Unfortunately no, the therapist was no help to me. I’m glad you managed to overcome you’re anxiety though, I’m sure it must have been very hard at the time. Knowing that you eventually got over it gives me some hope that my future may turn out surprisingly well.

Thankyou, I’m sure i’ll like it here. It’s nice to know that some people do care and would like to help out.

@Aethelflaed I do realize that making a dirty joke isn’t on the level of substance abuse or shoplifting. Well I know that my parents, a few of my sister’s friends, and our relatives strongly dissaprove of her life. A couple of times she has admitted it herself, like how she needs to change in certain ways and be more of a good person.

No, I haven’t tried trauma-based therapy.

@Rebecca1 You might look into it. If you’re having these kind of issues, a good therapist and some EMDR might go a long way.

@Rebecca1 Are you in school? Working?

@Rebecca1 I remember my stepsister as an intelligent, slender, girl with self- esteem, and thoughts of modelling (which she could have pulled off) when the reality is that she is currently twice the size she was, married to a complete loser that can’t keep a job, and is now utter white trash (complete with badly-done tattoos.
I remember my brother-in-law as a hyper-active kid who, during the wintertime, would shovel neighbor’s walkways for free just to get out of the house and do something, not as a prisoner who has spent over a decade behind bars, much of it in solitary with time added on for assaulting a guard.
It isn’t easy when the ones you love self-destruct, but I have managed to do without either of them really being in my life for years.

As for why kids pick on others, it is often a way to assert power. Kids don’t have much, so when they can display power, they will. Some display it by saying, “No, this is how I am, and if you don’t like it, fuck off!”, while others try to elevate themselves by putting others down. I used to assert myself by being me and beating the shit out of anybody who had a problem with that; you dump my bookbag on the floor, and you meet the floor yourself.

I fail at many of the things I do. I’m just too egotistical to let it get to me most of the time. We all make mistakes; I just make them with greater confidence, and am always ready to fail again. Depression isn’t easy to overcome, but it isn’t insurmountable unless you want it to be. For me and those I know, a stubborn desire to be better goes a long way towards actually becoming better.

@Aethelflaed From what I know, Social phobia is treatable but not curable and there are various methods by which it can be managed. Once the disorder is under control, if the learned practices are not continually implemented then the problem resurfaces with just as much vengeance. But still, actually having the courage to go ahead and to get this sort of therapy is a problem. No matter how hard I try to push myself, I’m never able to go through with it in the end. I used to go for weekly therapist visits though, but it didn’t help.

@JLeslie No I’m not working.

@jerv Wow! That is sad. My sister also has her body covered in tattoos. Back then we’d never imagine how the people that were close to us would turn out like. I have a feeling she might end up in prison one day too, just like you’re brother in law. She gets herself in so much crime that it’ll be surprising if she doesn’t end up in jail sooner or later.

It’s really late over here so I’m going to try and get some sleep. Goodnight everyone. Take care.

@Rebecca1 What are you doing? I realize you are agoraphobic. Are you living at home with your parents? Not going to school nor working? Does any of your anxiety have to do with your parents?

@Rebecca1 It depends on why you have these various phobias. If you just sort of have them, randomly, then that’s a different story – but you’ve said that the cause of the mental issues was severe bullying and humiliation when you were a teen that traumatized you so much you became suicidal. Simply trying to treat the symptom (with, I’m guessing, CBT?) of social phobia is much harder than treating the root cause. Trauma can actually be dealt with rather quickly and easily with EMDR and a good, trustworthy therapist. (Make sure to get one who’s certified in both EMDR levels I and II). At one point, I was really agoraphobic and had a lot of social phobia, but I got a really good therapist and some EMDR and was able to move on with my life rather quickly.