How might you have handled this visit from an ex-sister-in-law?

Given your kids reaction and the way she treated you two weeks ago, I would have been cool at best. I would have answered the door, not let her in, thank her for the apology saying the kids should always come first and you would appreciate a scene like that never happening again. Then say you have to go have dinner with your family and closed the door firmly.
It sounds like she could just be fishing for her brother. Of course, she could be really sorry, but she will have to prove to you her true intentions over time. Just showing up like that is rude.

If I were you I’d meet her with a shotgun across my chest or on my shoulder. Not pointed at her, but I think that would send the right message. I don’t go for subtle or nice.

I would graciously accept the apology, and make sure that the kids saw that. I still wouldn’t completely trust her, but I would want to. If it interrupts dinner, then that ain’ no thang.

I also don’t think that I would invite her inside or prolong the visit, but I would certainly want to bury the hatchet, for the sake of the kids, obviously, but also for my own sake.

Yikes! I think given the circumstances, I would have excused myself from the dinner table and stepped outside to have a chat with this woman. Since she was offering you a proverbial olive branch, I think I would have tried to keep my cool, but letting her in the house probably would have upset the kids.

Then I would have calmly explained to her that I was glad that she came over because I really wanted to talk to her and clear the air. Then I would have said that I (you) was very hurt and confused by the e-mail and then I would have re-itereated to her how the whole scene went down, including a summary of what me (you actually) and the ex spoke about and how he flew off the handle. Then I would try to explain to her, hopefully without insulting her or her idyllic (but incorrect) perception of her brother, how he (let’s call him Rex) how Rex has repeatedly caused me (you) anguish and fear with regards to the children. Explain to her that Rex has repeatedly berated you, ignored your wishes, and refused to sit down in a civil manner to discuss the needs of the children. Let her know that you think that Rex has purposely gone against you, just for spite, without regard to my (your) feelings or the needs and feelings of the children. Remind her that Rex actually scares you and the children and you wish that she might be able to intervene and help to calm this situation. Then tell her that you want and need for her to be an advocate for you and the children.

The kids are terrified, that tells me a lot.

Wow, I expected to get crucified for that.

Why were the kids stricken with terror?

My initial reaction is to have the visitation terms altered so that handing over the children is done only when an unbiased intermediary is present.

As for the ex-sister-in-law showing up unannounced on your doorstep, it’s quite obvious she got your address from your ex. The fact she terrified the children speaks volumes. This is not a time to play nice.

I’m sorry. I may be over-reacting since I’ve just come home from stage combat rehearsal. I’m hyped up on adrenaline.

Okay, if I take a step back, I would honestly ask your ex-husband not to bring anyone with him when you are handing over the children. I would ask this in writing. If he responds negatively in writing, get a lawyer. Playing with the children’s emotional lives is too important not to get things straightened out.

Also, since the children were terrified, I would check on suspending visitation with your ex-husband.

This issue seems like it might be deeper than fun times with Dad.

Like @Pied_Pfeffer, I’m curious why the kids were stricken with terror when they saw her? What did you do, @SuperMouse? Divorce is hard on everyone. I don’t envy you having to go through this time in your life, @SuperMouse. I’m glad your attitude is that the kids always come first. About the entire situation, this too shall pass.

be quick to forgive, and slow to forget.

I didn’t read that “she” terrified the kids. The kids are going to be upset when the adults are angry at each other. Since they had seen the confrontation earlier, they were obviously (to me) afraid of a repetition of that in or near their home.

If the OP indicated or said that “something she did to them” was the cause of their fear, then my answer would have been a whole lot different.

I talked to the kids this evening and they were afraid there might be some altercation. The last time they had seen me anywhere her she had stepped up on me and tried to start a fight (It wasn’t subtle at all). They also don’t know their aunt very well and had no idea what to expect.

I let her come in, listenened to her apology, thanked her for coming, and told her we were in the middle of dinner. She left and I dumped the ice coffee in the sink. My husband mentioned that if she owes anyone an apology it is the kids. She claimed she had apologized to them but they all steadfastedly state that she did not.

@Kardamom I really wish I had the presence of mind to share a bit of the other side of the story, that was a brilliant idea. Thanks all for great feedback!

This sounds like a nightmare. It has become a ‘He Said, She Said’ situation with the ex’s sister involved. Now the children are being pulled into this mess.

My sister was in a similar situation when she finally left her husband. Her husband was emotionally abusive, and her beloved sister-in-laws sided with him because they didn’t know the full story. Plus, it was family. Her goals were to keep her sanity, maintain a healthy lifestyle without his support, and not jade their daughters’ view of their relatives despite how she felt.

The ex SIL’s offering of peace may have been superficial. I don’t see how not inviting her in, as well as dumping out the gift, set a positive example for the children. It is their aunt after all. Granted, she shouldn’t have had such an initial reaction in the parking lot, especially in front of the children, but accepting an apology and peace offering can be a life lesson that will stay with them.

I would have accepted her apology, spent some time talking to her, clearing the air, or even just idle chit chat to put the mood between us in a better place, and thanked her for stopping by. Since you were in the middle of dinner I would make it quick, thank her and tell her that you are sorry about the bad timing and hopefully can catch up next time you see her, said with a smile.

I then would have asked the kids why they were afraid. I see you did and they were afraid there might be another fight. I would have reassured them that sometimes adults fight but nothing terrible is going to happen. (I don’t remember if there was physical violence in your first marriage? If there was that would make what I said less true and difficult for the children to believe. But, I assume since he gets to have the kids there wasn’t physical abuse? Correct me if I am wrong).

If she is holding out the olive branch, I think rejecting it is a power struggle. If she is a repeat offender of being horrible, that is different, but if generally you got along, don’t let one incident ruin everything. However, I would not competely trust her, but I certainly would be friendly and civil.

Being nice to her face, and rolling your eyes behind her back so to speak, in front of the children reinforces that they should not like her. Dumping out the coffee is like an eye roll I think? Not that you had to drink it, but the way you wrote it seemed to me like you still think the woman is a bitch and you kind of did the two faced thing. Your children worry about being loyal to you. Most children carry the burden of making their parents happy. If they think acting afraid or hating her will please you or is what you want to hear, they will most likely do it.

I 2nd @chyna and @DrBill.

I probably would have stepped outside to have the discussion with her, but may have invited her in… I’m not sure. I’d have taken the apology at face value, thanking her for it (even though I wouldn’t trust her fully in the future), explained about dinner, and sent her on her way. Then I’d have talked to the kids about it, and let them know she apologized, and that you hope things will be better between you, now. I wouldn’t have dumped the iced coffee in front of them, though.

Though I often agree with @Kardamom‘s advice, in this case I would absolutely not agree. The sister-in-law already has made her alliance public and plain. I wouldn’t tell her a single thing about her brother. That’s going to get back to him – twisted and misunderstood – and he’ll be able to demonstrate that what his sister thought she heard and thought she understood was a complete fabrication (which she’ll want to believe, anyway – and she may have already heard about the other side of these stories and made her judgment in any case). That will just reinforce to each of them that you are the bad actor, spreading lies and bad feeling about things that never happened as you (attempt to) explain.

The less she knows about things between you and her brother, the better.

The best way to handle her, I think, is to be civil with her to the extent possible, don’t turn your back on her or leave your kids with her, and maintain absolute silence where her brother is concerned. As far as you’re concerned with her, he is a totally forbidden subject of conversation. She already knows what she knows about him (right or wrong), and you’re unlikely to change her mind. Showing her that you “don’t tell tales” will have the biggest effect on her, I think.

Just to clarify, I did not dump the coffee in front of the kids. I left for work shortly after she left and as far as they knew I took it with me. Later that evening one of them asked what I did with it because he was worried that it might have been poisoned. (His words not mine – I have never said a negative about her to those kids.)

@CWOTUS you make some really good points. Thanks, I appreciate that feedback.

I would not try to explain your side to your SIL in any great detail. No matter how much she genuinely wants to be friendly with you, whatever you say will most likely get twisted in her mind and how she relays it to her brother. I have learned the hard way how incredibly different some people perceive the same situation and interpret explanations. Even if she agreed with 95% of what you say, the other 5%, a quick phrase you might say without thinking through how it will sounds, will be latched onto and the other 95% practically forgotten. Even agreeing with her, if she complains about your ex, will get told as you saying thos words, not that she was moaning on and you just nodded.

I agree with @CWOTUS about not discussing anything with her. Why would you? If the kids don’t know her, she obviously isn’t in their lives or around you ex when he has the children. Blood is thicker than water. I’d take the higher ground with her by being polite but not involving her in the situation.

I think you handled it properly, @SuperMouse. Hindsight is 20/20.

@JLeslie you hit the nail right on the head. If this experience has taught me anything it is that two people can read the exact same things completely differently.

I like @chyna‘s approach and I think @CWOTUS gives some excellent advice.

Me being me though, I would have been tempted to lean in all quiet like before shutting the door and whisper, “Now get the fuck off my property.”

You guys are far more evolved than I.