If you were dating a woman like this, what would you think?

I would probably not like someone who would behave that way toward her sick child.

It would depend on the reasons why she hadn’t been/wasn’t with the child. Maybe his grandparents want to spend a lot of time with him, or his father. Where exactly did she send him? Or perhaps she had just reached the end of her rope and really, really needed a break. I can’t judge without more info.

Not grandparents. Not the father. Not a professional health care person. Not a person who has authority to get the boy emergency medical attention if he needs it.

@augustlan I understand needing a break, but only looking after your son 3 days out of 14 and then constantly complaining she is a single mother with no help? How does that compute?

The whining and complaining would get on my damn nerves, no matter what. That alone would make me rethink a relationship with her. If she normally only has him 3 days out of 14, and she’s whining, I’d be out. If it’s an extraordinary circumstance, though, I might feel differently. I mean, if she has him 350 days out of the year, and all of these times away just happen to be clumped together, I wouldn’t judge her harshly for it.

If this boy is very sick, and she’s leaving him for a week and not even making sure the sitter (or whoever) has a document to get him medical treatment, I’d see that as irresponsible, for sure. Taken all together, I think I’d stop dating her.

@augustlan, no, she has someone to bring him to when she gets tired. She may have him a little more than 50% of the time. When she has to go out of town for work or away to friends, she has somewhere to bring him. She often does this with no notice (like yesterday) and expects the person she drops him off to, to change their plans to suit what she decides. Resistance normally results in barrages of abusive text messages.

Sounds fishy to me! Doesn’t seem responsible and may be looking for a victim to latch on to!

Hope I’m wrong, but where I come from the “mother” part comes first!

@cazzie She sounds like a misearable self centered tramp that cares only for her own pleasure and she takes great joy in playing the part of the martyr. She’s selfish, boring, and greedy. How’s that?

Your instincts are probably right, something is wrong. I won’t venture a guess as to what and it probably doesn’t really matter anyway.

If she insisted on complaining about how tough things are for her as a single mom I, agree with @augustlan, that alone would be enough to frost my cakes.It’s her kid, she needs to quit bitching. If the boy is indeed sick and she can’t be bothered to spend time with him that also would annoy the shit out of me.I would tend to think she wants to be a parent when it suits her then pawn the boy off when it doesn’t. Pretty rotten if you ask me.

judge not, lest you be judged.
We are doing alot of speculating, without knowing that womans heart.

sure, she can be a player, but she may just be frustrated. and needs some time.

@jazmina88 I have known the woman for 10 years and she has never wanted to be a full time mom, nor has she shown much worry about who the child is left with. She also collected full time child support for several years when she had him only 50% of the time. Does that show you her heart any more?

Being with an adult “friend” rather than a sick child? I would not think very highly of her.

I’d find it a bit strange but, other than that, I don’t have much else to go on here.

So, are you saying she gets respite care for the child? Is this a state funded agency? Respite care is monitored and qualifying parents are allowed x- amount each month. If she’s a single parent taking care of a special needs child, she probably does need the break. Depending on the level of care the child needs, she could potentially be stressed to just below breaking all the time! And since she’s single, she has nothing like an end of this to look forward to. EVER!
I’d like to know some more facts before I snap out a judgement here.
My son, who is off the charts with his IQ, was special needs growing up. He was diagnosed as extremely ADHD, oppositonal/defiant, and borderline bi-polar. Whatever the hell that is.
He NEVER stopped moving. He twirled something constantly. I can’t stress that enough. It was incessant. Relentless. Unceasing. Am I getting my point across here? Every meal was a misery because he was SO picky. He would cry if I tried to make him eat something new. He acted out in school, set a tree on fire in base housing… his school called me EVERY DAY when he was in second grade. I got to the point that I didn’t want to be in the same room with him. I seriously considered giving him up to the state, I was afraid that I was making whatever was wrong with him worse. I had NO help, and lots of trouble from my command because of it.
Now there are studies that show how much stress parents of ADHD children are under, specifically because they have no wheel chairs or special equipment which identify them to the public as having special needs. All people see is their behaviour, so they are less than supportive to the parents. Or parent.
Therefore, I believe that there could be more than we know here.
Niko is fine, by the way. Finished his freshman year in college, studying linguistics far away from here. But it was touch and go for a while.

I would think that to be the very definition fo being insincere. I.E. Saying something that is actually false.

I would not like it based on what you listed here.
I understand that being a caregiver is a tough thing but this is her sick child. IMHO, there is no whining in sick child caregiving. This is valuable insight to how this person handles things and works when in a tough situation. You need to decide if this fits or is acceptable to your core values.

I also understand needing a break, but it sounds like there is a degree of selfishness in play too.

I think a discussion of your feelings on this are in order with her.
Good luck with finding the path you want to be on. Never settle for something that feels wrong to you.

Ah @cazzie. Are we talking about your stepson here? The autistic boy?

You say you want sympathy, I think. You are venting your anger or frustration and feeling a sense on injustice. Somehow the real mother has you as built in caregiver, and she knows she can “dump” her son with you at any time because you never refuse her. You won’t do that to the kid, I guess. And of course, your husband, the boy’s father, is no help. He’s usually not around and even when he is, he’s so disengaged he might as well be off in Beijing or something.

Well, it does suck. You have a soft heart, but are also not without your own health issues. You are fighting depression and I don’t know what else. The whole situation is wearing you down—husband, stepson, son, health.

Is it the unfairness that bothers you most? That it seems so unjust? Is it the work? Is it that she takes you for granted and never thanks you? Is it her apparent lack of concern for her son? Is it that she is cheating the system—taking government payments to care for the kid and then making you care for him?

Or is it that it is hurting your stepson—her son? Are you most concerned about him?

Or is it the impact on your life? That you may have to cancel plans for her convenience? Why are you willing to do this, @cazzie? I’m not judging you, by the way. I’m sure there are reasons that make sense to you.

So here’s some advice that may or may not be relevant.

When dealing with injustice, you can get yourself really bent out of shape with righteousness. However, unless you are prepared to pursue justice, getting bent out of shape is not helpful. We need to feel righteous in order to get the energy to pursue justice. But if we are not going to pursue justice, getting bent out of shape about it only hurts us psychologically. It is dangerous.

If you are not going to try to make this situation right, then I think it is best to not indulge your desire to feel wronged. Instead, you need to stay away from that feeling. Why? Because it puts you in danger of deeper depression. It helps you paint a picture of a world that is so wrong, you don’t want to be in it. It is an incredibly painful world.

I don’t think you need to make the world seem any more painful than it already is for you. I think you should change your story. I think (and this is true) that you are a heroine. I think the work you are doing with your stepson, if what you say is true, is heroic and wonderful. I think he is more your son than his real mother’s son. I think you care more about him than either she or your husband do.

I don’t think you can gain anything from beating her up. But I do think you can gain something from admiring your response to the situation. Forget the money. There’s no way to make that fair. Focus on your relationship with the boy and what you can build there. Think of every time she gives the boy to you as a gift. Be grateful to her instead of resentful. Thank fate that she is such a dipshit and is willing to give up her sons best years to you.

Yes, he is challenging, but you are up to the challenge and you are learning so much and you are able to help him because of your great empathy, something his mother doesn’t have. And you have this empathy, in part, because of your depression. You have been seeking meaning in life, and boy, here is meaning smacking you right in the face!

So that’s an alternative story. In this story, I have tried to make you a hero, and I don’t think I am wrong in doing that. Not that anyone could tell objectively, anyway, so you might as well be the hero of your own life. I want you to be happy, and being resentful doesn’t help. Feeling all kinds of injustice doesn’t help—except if you want to fight it. I do not sense that you want to fight it, and I don’t know how capable you would be, anyway. I think the better way to go is to think of yourself for what you are doing well and right; not focus on what she is doing poorly and wrong. I think that is healthier, both mentally and physically.

It depends – it depends – it depends.

How old is the child? What is the nature of the illness? What is the level of care required from caregivers on a daily / hourly basis?

If she “sent away” (and that expression needs context, too) an infant with a cold, then that’s a lot different than “sending away” a high school-age child with, say, a broken arm.

@Trillian, I myself have a boy that isn’t quite as bad as that, but is close to that bad. He is 7. Phone calls or emails nearly every day from school and sudden disruptive or violent situations when he is playing with friends because he doesn’t stop. He has to be watched constantly. I am a full time mother of that child with no respite care and no one to just drop him off to when it all gets to be too much. Just taking him to a movie or out to the store is a real task. He picks up things and then drops them or bends them, just to check how strong or breakable they are. We were up on constructed seating watching a play on Sunday and he is sticking his foot through this wide gap, just to see if he will fall through or he can balance on the round pipe below on one foot. He has to be held by the hand constantly because he wanders into traffic or runs into places that aren’t fences off. On the way home, he started jumping crazily through this tall grass beside the sidewalk and fell right over onto a piece of pipe that was sticking out. (it hit his leg and he is OK, but it could have been so much worse) Somedays, I don’t think he will see his 12th birthday. He has also climbed up onto our two and a half story roof from his bedroom window on the second floor.

Just off my own observances, I’ve seen a bunch a women drop just about everyone around them when a man they want comes on the scene. If I were dating this lady then I’d really wonder how overwhelmed she is with her son that she’d be willing to send him away for that long a stretch a time.

@cazzie It does get better. If you think you need help, ask your local social services. They can help with respite care or other programs like support groups. I wish I had known about that when I was going through it.

I haven’t read all the other answers yet, I hope I don’t repeat anything.
Sometimes there are base instincts that take over. If you have a sick child you will sometimes do what ever it takes to insure that they are safe for the long term. Whether she realizes it or not, there is a possibility, that on some level, she feels that nurturing this new relationship could possibly lead to a partnership to help in caring for and supporting her child. In the short term, she is letting others care for the child, so she will have the time, money (if that is a factor )and luxury to do so for the long term if the relationship leads to marriage.

PM me her phone number.