How do I help myself out of this? (Details inside)

If you ever find the answer, let me know. I know how maddening a long distance relationship can be.

I wish you the best.

@King_Pariah – thank you for the well wishes! I never knew it could be so hard…

All I know is that it takes incredible strength, patience, and perseverance on top of love from both parties in order for a long distance relationship to work out, well, any relationship really but even moreso for long distance. What more than that? I don’t know, all I know is I was found wanting in all of those categories.

What stands out to me is you chose a boyfriend you would be away from. People afraid of relationships and committments tend to be very good at pickng people and situations that are difficut or impossible. I had a girlfriend who always dated married men or black men, because she knew both were off limits to have long term relationships with (Just ignore what is the racist part of that sentence, but it was a fact of the matter).

I think you have your subconscious screwing around with your life, if your relationship doesn’t work out you can blame it on the distance between the two of you. You need to get to the root of your insecurities, why you have a lack of trust, and why from what I can tell, you have a fear of committment.

Just my opinion, I could be way off.

I should have added, if you feel very insecure it might be he is giving you all sorts of signs he isn’t that into you, and you are picking up on it,

@JLeslie – you’re right for the most part. I’m usually wary of people’s intentions and I do have a fear of commitment, and not just when it comes to romantic relationships. I know most of it stems from my childhood (a somewhat emotionally-distant and strict father who only showed his soft side when he was drunk, him having cheated on my mom, me moving away to a different country and leaving my mom and friends behind at a crucial age early teen years, not having any friends in high school because I couldn’t speak English, which unfortunately had an effect on me not being able to make friends for the first two years of college, etc, etc), but I don’t want to allow that to define me, I don’t want to victimize myself because I know that regardless of what kind of childhood a person may have had, good or bad, we all have some sort of childhood issue(s) that we carry with us into adulthood. I know therapy is my best bet, but like I said, I can’t afford it right now.

Whenever I succeed in getting through to myself and realize that my insecurities about my relationship are unnecessary to say the least, I have a really good, light-hearted, worry-free day – but then the next day I’m right back to my good ol’ anxious self. It’s such a constant struggle to keep myself focused and calm that it’s becoming draining and each day it becomes harder and harder to talk myself out of my insecurities/anxiety…

In regards to your second comment, I know that’s not the case. He’s been the same since we started dating, very caring and encouraging, he talks about our future together, and he always asks me where have I been all his life, tells me he loves and misses me, texts me good morning every single day, and I know he’s being genuine. The problem arises when I go a little while without hearing from him – because, you know, he has his own life which is perfectly acceptable – and I start imagining the worst. I’m highly aware that I’m being unnecessarily paranoid, I just don’t know how to stop these thoughts from causing me so much anxiety and getting in the way of an otherwise happy relationship…

@jordym84 My warning to you is you are at risk of recreating your relationship with your father. It sounds like your normal is being in a relationship with someone who is emotionaly distant, and you might unconsciously seek to recreate it.

@JLeslie – oh no!! I really hope I’m not headed in that direction =/

I’m somewhat emotionally distant myself and have an enormous fear of rejection (which I know is part of the problem here), and find it hard to express my feelings (for example I love my family and friends very much, but feel very uncomfortable saying “I love you” back when they say it to me). My boyfriend’s the only person I say it to, even though it did take some getting used to (not because I don’t love him believe me, I really, truly do but because it just didn’t come naturally to me)...

@jordym84 I don’t question your feelings for him. When I say recreate the situation…well, for instance if you are annoying enough he will start avoiding you or possiby cheating on you or leave you. I might even suggest you look for similar behavior in yourself to your mom. I am not saying blame the woman for when men cheat, but there are patterns.

There are some who believe we create the very situation we most fear.

Are you testing him? Pushing him away to make sure he wants you back. That is like proof to you he really does love you? That is a dangerous game.

@JLeslie – “Are you testing him? Pushing him away to make sure he wants you back. That is like proof to you he really does love you?” – subconsciously, I am.
“That is a dangerous game.” – yup, and that’s what scares me the most.

I know that if I end up pushing him away and he breaks up with me, I’ll see that as proof that “I was right all along,” when in reality it’ll be because of my own actions…it’s a dangerous and scary path I find myself on.

Luckily, I feel I haven’t done enough damage yet but I know that if I don’t stop, it might be too late one day…but of course these moments of enlightenment don’t last very long, unfortunately.

I can’t help you with the main problem. I was there earlier this year, and I wasn’t able to overcome my own issues.

However, I can help you with some things that I would have done differently if I could over again. The first is the other relationships situation. You need some other friends in your area. Join a book club or find a right-now sort of a job. You can’t get all of your emotional needs met from two people (the friend you’re living with and your boyfriend) without putting a huge strain on the relationship and the individual. Of course, you can’t find a new, trustworthy friend quickly, so this is a long term solution, but I think it would truly help some of your insecurities if you had a larger circle to rely on. (Meetup.com comes to mind for finding a group of people with similar interests. I went to a puppy socialization group I found on meetup.com and it was nice.)

Second, keep a file on your computer or a diary where you write the things you want to say but know you shouldn’t. It helps to get them out, and you can always bring them up later if it is still an issue. Date these, and they also serve as a way to monitor your relationship problems and your anxiety issues. You might notice that the things that bother you change over time.

Try to be as open and honest as you can with him. If he is the guy that you say he is, then there probably isn’t anything you can’t bring up. But try to wait before bringing up angry issues. Just give them a while to sit so you can figure out who you are really angry with, and why.

I don’t really have anything to offer you for the short term, but long term… I highly recommend you get some therapy. Overwhelming anxiety (about anything not actually worth being so anxious about) is very treatable with therapy and/or medication. It helped me a ton, and my life is much, much better now that I have it under control. Best of luck to you!

Start out with the concept that a huge percentage of long distance relationships (LDRs) fail. That’s the nature of the challenge. (yes there are, of course, exceptions and success stories, and some folks here will no doubt claim that theirs is a success, but honestly, those are very few and far between.) LDRs in the aggregate do not work.

SO you are starting off with the cards heavily stacked against you. If you are obsessing over a remembered image, you are actually creating a mirage for yourself which cannot ever be matched by real life. In other words, you are setting yourself up for a fall. On one level, you already realize that—that’s why you asked the question in the first place.

The second level is forcing yourself to have distance and to try and bring yourself back to earth. Others have given you ideas on how to do so; some will work and some will not. Keeping busy is one thing to do – the other – most important – is to WILL YOURSELF to not think about the guy. it is hard but it is possible.

But in the end, 90% of the time, LDRs fail. So you are pushing a rock up a very very steep hill.

Counseling.

I agree with @athenasgriffin about journaling or at least keeping track of what and when things bother you most. This could help you see the pattern for the unnecessary worry you already know is there.

I know you can’t afford therapy, but the library is a good resource. There must be a good self-help book on overcoming anxiety through cognitive behavior modification. Feeling Good is a great one, but its focus probably isn’t quite right for you. Something out there is, though. Check out book reviews on Amazon or B&N then head to the library.

Write down all the things your boyfriend has done that shows how much he loves and cares about you. Cut each thing from the paper and put the strips of paper in a dish in your room. Every time you feel anxious or insecure, read one of those strips of paper.

Definitely find ways to stay busy. Bury yourself in your job search, look for volunteer opportunities, etc. Have you and your boyfriend discussed how you will end the distance when the time comes? I know your relationship is still young, but the thing about long distance relationships is that they have to end at some point, either by someone moving to be with the other or by breaking up. If neither of you would be willing to move, then the relationship really only has one other outcome. I’m not saying that to worry you, just to give you something to think about.

My husband and I had a long distance relationship. We always knew I would be the one moving to be with him because of his career. We have been married for almost 4 years now. Some long distance relationships do work out.

To be blunt with you, the lack of something to do could be a major factor. That you’re not working or going to school, or bettering yourself in any way, is making you overthink because you aren’t busy. Maybe you should find a job and that way you’d be able to earn and save some money so that you two could meet up more frequently. Maybe start a plan to move in together.. even setting these goals will make you feel better. You seem stuck in a rut right now, living with your friend and no job. Going out and handing out resumes, doing what you can to find employment, will give you a sense of satisfaction. When you do find a job, you can continue to live with your friend until you save enough money to move out with this guy.

PS. I know that sounds like I’m trying to dictate your life; I’m not and, of course, I realize I could be wrong

And listen to @seaofclouds advice. That is definitely something good right there.

@athenasgriffin – You’re definitely right, it’s unrealistic to expect to have all of my emotional needs met by the two of them. Although my friend and I have always talked about everything, lately I avoid talking about my relationship and insecurities with her because I don’t want to burden her with my issues. I’ve been keeping a diary of sorts in my computer and whenever I feel really overwhelmed I write down everything that’s bothering me. It helps tremendously.

@augustlan – Thank you for the encouraging words, I definitely plan on going to therapy once I can afford it because I know my issues aren’t just with my relationship, they’re deeper than that.

@elbanditoroso – I know the odds are against us, but that’s not what worries me. It’s me not being able to deal with my anxiety that’s the problem, even though things are going well between us and everything tells me that we can make it – everything except, of course, my insecurities.

@Supacase – I’ve tried self-help books before and I find that they don’t really work for me because I’m too self-aware and have a stubborn mind – what I need is an actual therapist, or some other neutral party, that will listen and be bluntly honest with me. But thanks for the suggestion :)

@Seaofclouds – I made a list of all the good things and it’s helped somewhat (again, I have a stubborn mind and it’s hard to keep myself on “task” – I’ll find a strategy, do it once, find that it works, and yet can’t get myself to do it again). I’ve been doing the job-search thing for the past 3 weeks and it’s the only thing that’s keeping me occupied, but it doesn’t take up a whole lot of my time (I can only find so many postings to apply to each day). Fortunately we’ve discussed what we’re going to do about the distance and have agreed that it’s easier for him to move. We wouldn’t be living together just yet, which is fine, because it’ll take me a bit of time to save up and get a place of my own, so he’ll stay with his best friend from home (in a different state, but we’ll be much, much closer than we are now and we’ll be able to see each other more often). I’m glad your long distance relationship worked, it definitely gives me hope :)

@thesparrow – Yup, I know…and no worries, I didn’t think you were trying to dictate my life :) I’ve never had this much time to myself and this is the first time I’ve been without work and/or school to keep me occupied and yes, I’m definitely stuck in a rut. I’m currently on the job hunt and have yet to start hearing back from employers, which adds on to the stress…but hey, things can only get better.

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to comment. I know what the issue is, I know what I’m doing wrong, and I know I need to work on it, I’m just having a lot of trouble keeping myself motivated…but I’ll keep what you’ve said in mind and will refer to your comments whenever I need some inspiration :)

@jordym84 If therapy is out of the question financially at the moment, and other great ideas in this thread don’t end up fixing the situation, you might consider going to your regular doctor and asking for some anti-anxiety medication. It nothing else, it can help you cope until you can do some of the longer term approaches.

@jordym84 I wish you all the best. You sound like a sweet girl, and I truly hope everything works out. Until the time comes when you hear back from employers or find a job, I would suggest maybe starting to jog or roller blade. Do something physically active on a daily basis, especially if you have time. It is proven that regular exercise helps regulate depression and anxiety as well as help you stay in shape.

I was insecure for a long time (daddy issues), especially in my relationships and it almost ruined a few of them. What worked for me is ‘letting go’ of control, getting in touch with your inner zen master.

There are lots of men in the world, but finding the right one, or your soul mate per se, is not something that comes along twice in one lifetime, not in my experience anyway, so if he feels the same you should make that life together regardless of finances. Remember that saying ‘Poor in money, rich in love’, it’s not always about the money.

But make sure this guy really is the ONE and that it’s 100% mutual or it’s not worth the sacrifices you’ll have to make in the short term. Good luck.

Hi everyone, thank you so very much once again for your input!!

Unfortunately I found out some things that may help explain my trepidations about him. Granted my insecurities did play a part in how I was feeling, but I got so focused on that that I didn’t even realize that, since the beginning, my gut instincts were also telling me that something about him was amiss. It’s unfortunate because he did make me happy and I’m having a lot of trouble letting go because I’m deeply in love =/

So it turns out that he was (and might still be) married to someone in his home country. I’m not upset about that fact itself because I’m realistic enough to know that everyone has a past. But I am upset about the way I found out. Long story short, I came across the Facebook page of one of his best friends from home and as I was randomly looking through his timeline I came across a status from April that had my boyfriend’s and another woman’s names saying something along the lines of congratulations on 365 days in the tie that binds. To me that could’ve only meant one thing and after some further digging, I came across a picture of him (in someone else’s page) in a wedding suit standing next to her in a wedding gown. I asked him about it in a non-threatening way and he sounded really shocked that I knew and was trying to evade the question by asking me who told me. After a long, long conversation he said he never mentioned it because it was something from his past that he didn’t want to talk about or bring into our relationship and all this other stuff about how they’d gotten divorced less than a month after. That didn’t make sense to me because his friend’s status was from April this year and I pointed that out to him, and his excuse was that his friend had been out of the country so he didn’t know. And I’m thinking to myself, if I’d gotten married and then divorced, regardless of how soon afterwards, my best friends would be the first ones to know. The whole story is just way too sketchy for me and now I’m starting to piece things together and making sense of a lot of “unexplained” things from these past 6 months. My brain is telling me that there’s only one thing for me to do, which is to end things, but my heart is still in love with him, which is making it so damn hard for me to make a decision. I just can’t seem to let go because I keep thinking about all the good memories from the past 6 months, but I need to…

I’m a very forgiving person and would be willing to forgive him for not telling me about it, but I can’t help but think that he might still be married. He told me to ask his friends, but I told him I won’t do that because their loyalty is to him and not me, and as such they would most likely cover for him as any good friend would.

As it stands, we’re still a couple, but our future together is very uncertain at best from my perspective.

Why can’t things just be simple sometimes? Sigh

Sorry to be bugging you all with my issues, but I just really needed to let that out and hopefully I can get some honest feedback on what I should do; I’m just so confused and don’t want to make the wrong decision in the event that he is telling me the truth…

@jordym84 I am back to being afraid you will repeat your mothers life. Being with a man who cheats. That a dynamic of feeling their is dishonesty in a relationship, but not trusting those feelings, or trusting them, but staying with it because the nervous feeling is very normal for you.

Dump him. Find someone who is better. You won’t be so nutso if you are with a good man, but you probably seek crappy ones. They feel right to you. You have to break that scenerio.

@JLeslie – I know that’s what I have to do, but right now I don’t know if I can handle breaking up. I’m in a new place where I only know 1 person, I’ve been waiting to hear back from employers for almost a month now and still nothing, I’m far away from family…this relationship’s the only thing I have going right now. I keep going back and forth, back and forth, and just can’t seem to make a decision. I know I deserve better, but right now he’s all I have =(

Edit: And I’m not good at breaking up, I get tongue-tied and eventually regret my decision, so I always end up taking it back.
He’s probably not the guy for me, but I just need to get through this point in my life first…

@jordym84 Ok, so use him for now, I completely understand why you don’t want to break up this minute. He serves a purpose for you now. I mean that seriously. Relationships generally serve a purpose for us during various times in our life. My only concern is days will turn into weeks, and weeks into months, and you will not be out their open to new relationships. Try to make some girlfriend relationships (not sexual, I mean regular friends) so you have a better support system. Being alone is much better, much happier, than being in a bad relationship, but being totally alone can be very sad and depressing.

@JLeslie – Thank you once again, your insight is always very helpful!

Quick update: I decided that my dignity and self-respect are more important, so I’m cutting him out of my life. I’ve deleted all his text messages and number from my phone so I’m not tempted to go back on my decision. It doesn’t feel as bad as I’d expected, I actually feel liberated and like I can finally let out my breath after holding it in for so long expecting the worst…

Someone better will come along when I’m ready and I’ll be able to appreciate him much after dealing with someone like this! :)

@jordym84 I could not believe your story when I read it! (That he was married) But I have heard of such things happening, particularly with long-distance relationships or relationships where you don’t see each other that often. I am so sorry about this.. indeed, your gut feelings seemed to be telling you correctly.

Good that you broke up ASAP rather than staying. That is utterly horrible, HORRIBLE! That there are men out there like this… it makes me sick. And stringing along a poor innocent girl. I wish you all the best.. please keep us posted! And let us know any word on a job. Also, as I did suggest before, try a work-out regimen .. it’ll keep your mind clear. Start a hobby. My friend actually recently broke up with her BF of 2 years.. he was incredibly surprised and upset. I would suggest keeping yourself busy.

@thesparrow – I can’t even believe it myself…I had to cut him out of my life cold-turkey and it’s by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. One day he’s in my life, and the next day he’s not. I was fine at first, feeling empowered even, but now I’m feeling broken inside. I’m trying so hard to keep myself together, but boy it’s hard! Despite everything, I just can’t grasp the fact that we’re no more. I had high hopes for our relationship (I’m not a fairy tale kind of gal and don’t even know if I believe in marriage, but besides being my boyfriend, he was also my best guy friend). We have so many amazing memories together and they keep playing in my head over and over again, and everywhere I turn something reminds me of him: sights, smells, sounds – everything. He texted me earlier and it was all I could do to not write him back and then a few hours later he called me because he was worried he hadn’t heard from me and could tell something was wrong, which is when I told him we were over…

I’ve been trying to keep myself occupied all day and even met up with a very good friend from school who works in the city and her boyfriend. We had a good time, but everywhere I looked I kept seeing couples holding hands, kissing, etc, and my heart felt as thought it was being squeezed by very powerful hands. I just keep trying to remind myself of all the reasons I shouldn’t be with him…hopefully this strategy works.

How am I ever supposed to trust men again?

Anyway, thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate them!

@jordym84

I can 100% see that it would be hard to let go of someone. I think it will just take time. What I don’t understand though is that this guy keeps trying to get in touch with you.. although I wouldn’t suggest that you get back together with him, I’d try to get the truth out of him. The least you deserve is a legitimate explanation. I’d definitely cut him out eventually.. but try getting some kind of closure. Bring up the ‘unexplained’ things from the past 6 months, bring up your concerns about how his best friend should have known about the divorce… bring everything up and see how he reacts.

There could be a legitimate explanation; maybe he’s not lying .Or he’s just a cheating sociopathic scumbag who prefers to string along two women rather than one. Either scenario is not uncommon. But ya, I would hold my guard up, and not trust this guy.

@thesparrow – In all fairness he only contacted me because he didn’t know I was planning to end things yet and he was concerned because he hadn’t heard from me all day. But he hasn’t attempted to contact me since I broke things off yesterday in the afternoon…which is good in the sense that it’ll allow me to move on more quickly and not waiver in my decision, but it also makes me very sad because it feels as though our relationship meant little to him and that these past 6 months were a total lie (in my mind, if he truly cared and loved me the way he says he does, he would at least try to convince me to stay, but all he said was “I don’t know what to say, I’m kind of tongue-tied”).

I’m not going to contact him at all, even though every bone in my body wants me to send him a text, so I doubt I’ll ever find out the whole truth. I think only time will give me the closure I need, so I’ll just have to be patient and wait. There is a small chance that he was telling the truth about the marriage/divorce thing, but it’s a very, very slim chance. His story is way off with what I found out on my own and also looking back and connecting dots, a lot of things that happened make a lot of sense now knowing what I know (i.e. his Facebook is super private and no one can write on his wall, see his friends list, or see any of his activity at all; whenever I visited him he would receive calls in the middle of the night, at like 2 or 3am, and he would always say that it was his sister calling from home – there’s a 7 hour time difference – asking him for money, which I doubt and now think was the wife calling; he never introduced me to people as his girlfriend; lately, whenever we were on the phone, he would suddenly cut me off in the middle of a conversation and say something like “I’ve gotta go do something/call someone/some other excuse and I’ll call you back later, which he never would; etc). So yes, I’m better off without him. I don’t need that kind of aggravation in my life.

Like I said, I’ll just have to keep reminding myself of why I shouldn’t be with him and think about all the unexplained things that always gave me pause, and in time I’ll heal. For now, I just need to focus on myself and the dreadful job search.

@jordym Good for you girl! Be proud of yourself. Ughh. MEN. None of them are perfect, but some are just so incredibly sub-par it’s unbelievable. I don’t know who I feel more sorry for.. you or the wife. Think about that woman, too!

It could be that they had a relationship that was falling apart and maybe he WAS going to leave her to hook up with you but let me tell you a story: I know someone who was in love with a married man who promised her he’d leave his wife. He never did. She wasted so many years on him.

@thesparrow – Thank you once again! Whatever the case may be, it’s definitely over on my end, so I guess it doesn’t really matter anymore…

hey @jordym84, this is all very scary for you because its the first time you open up like you say.

I must admit that free time can cause us too look for problems where there aren’t any, which is why you should concentrate all that energy in activities that you enjoy…music, sports, etc. Also, long distance relationships are very hard…and you have to see if you can really deal with that. You might get frustrated with the fact that the first person you ever opened up too cannot actually be there with you physically…way out the pros and cons and see what feels best for your well-being :)