Do you believe it's wrong to love a deceased partner more than the current?

Oh yeah, think of the CAST AWAY situation! Where she thought her husband was dead but he wasn’t after 7 years. When he came back she was re-married and had a kid…she loved him but she couldn’t be with him due to her promise in marriage since they were already “death to us part”. How the heck is her husband supposed to feel ya know if he knows shes still pining for her ex who happened to still be alive?

There’s no morality here. Be honest and if the new guy accepts it, you’re safe. The only “wrong” would be not being honest. Other than that, you can’t really control how you feel.

That being said, I would keep an open mind. These things you are saying now, they maybe true for the current you, but for future you things might be different. Maybe not, but its not worth saying this to yourself over and over again so much that you don’t allow yourself to change.

Things are never concrete. It’s just the thought really depresses me and I really hope that I never have to face this type of situation. I see so many articles online about how people feel jealous of the deceased spouse but I don’t know if they ever get over it. They might not ever get over it and although it’s childish to many…it’s something they can’t help but feel that way. That is why I’m saying I don’t know if I can ever handle a relationship like that unless we both have lost someone special.

It’s not wrong but it is unhealthy. Being stuck in the past wastes your present moments.
Are you saying you would feel jealous / competitive with a dead woman? Everyone has past lovers, alive or dead, and to be jealous or insecure about a persons deceased partner is neurotic and unhealthy.

Obviously if THEY are not fully healed from the death then they have no business being in a new relationship if they are still pining for a ghost. I’d suggest counseling.

So are you saying that my step-grandpa is stuck in the past for wanting to be buried next to his first wife? Or that my other grandma is for wanting to never remarry since the death of her husband over 20 years ago?

I’m not saying to be stuck on the past but to feel like you were more so complete with the first husband than the second. Ya know?

Every relationship is different and every love is different. They don’t need to be weighed on a scale and compared to one another. it seems to me that you are worrying about something you may never ever be faced with.

You didn’t answer the question though lol

@chelle21689 I think my implication was that there are no rights or wrong in this matter. You love whom you love as much as you love them. And “much’” is a very subjective concept.

@janbb Gave a good answer. The question itself is invalid. One does not simply walk into Mordor, and one does not “measure” love as if it came in measurable units. There is no “more or less”, there are simply different types of love. One does not change the love on has for someone by loving another.

There’s no right and wrong. Your emotions are your emotions. If you feel attached to the deceased spouse, then that’s how you feel. But think about it? If you say they are the love of your life, what does that mean?

In reality, they are dead and you can’t love them. You can only remember them. Does that take away from a current spouse? I guess it could, but it doesn’t have to. Does it keep you from loving someone living? It could, but it doesn’t have to. It’s up to you to decide how much you want to invest in a relationship with a dead person, and how much you want to focus on your current life.

Most people find that if they focus on the past too much, they lose a lot and can’t have a happy current life. But others can maintain the love in their heart while having room for a full love for someone new.

Me? I would always love that person. I have several past lovers that I still remember with much love. That doesn’t get in the way of my relationship with my wife. I give my wife what I have to give her. I give my friends and family and other relationships what I have to give them. It is always that my love is spread out among many people, although most of it goes to my primary relationship.

People love their deceased parents. They go visit the grave. They hold memorial services. It’s a normal thing, and it doesn’t usually stop people from moving on to be able to have new relationships. If a deceased person kept you from connecting to anyone new, I would think that could be a problem. I’d suggest counseling then.

For those that are believers of an after-life (that aren’t Christian/Catholic based), what do you think would happen in heaven? I mean, would it be weird to have three of you guys together? Sharing that romantic feeling?

When I think of the men I have loved, I still have very warm feelings for them, but that was then and this is now. The one I married was the best one for me to marry, as it turns out, and I wouldn’t marry again; but should he die, I wouldn’t be averse to find a new love. I don’t believe in only one true love; just one true love at a time.

I think it is not possible to love someone who is dead more than the living. o think if you do you are in love with an ideal not a real person.

I think it is not possible to compete with someone who is dead, so why try? Instead, focus on what you do have with the person you are with.

I suspect that would be loving an idealized version of the deceased. It would be wrong if it interfered with the current relationship, but otherwise I don’t see any problem.

If you quantify love you might have a problem. My first husband died. I loved him. I am not capable of measuring love like a cake recipe. My love for my current husband is a different thing. It is not more or less, it’s like comparing apples and oranges. It is a whole different relationship.

We love people in different ways. Each relationship, whether an ex partner or deceased partner, is never the same. Sometimes though a person could idealize a deceased partner, I can’t say I have not been in that position. But from all relationships we learn something, whether good or bad about ourselves.

If you are serious with your question, @chelle21689, I’ll answer your question. I don’t want to get flamed or get into a religious discussion with anyone because of my answer. I will tell you what I believe if you want to know.

@chelle21689 I wouldn’t worry too much about a potential afterlife and how your relationships might play out in some nether world. Personally I hate the idea of being reunited with people after death. I have no desire to be reunited with anyone from my past, the thought of some afterlife full of ex lovers and friends is a nightmare IMO.
I got rid of those people for a reason, and I sure as hell hope I won’t have to see them again. lol

Yes, @janbb brought up a very valid point, one I should have addressed as well. Every love is unique, no comparing, the apples & oranges thing. :-)

You can’t make rules for love and it isn’t wrong to love those that have departed. But life is for the living and you shouldn’t really compare.

It’s never wrong to love. It’s wrong to be dishonest. That’s what people have a hard time with. If you marry a widow or widower you must be able to understand he or she still loves their deceased spouse. That doesn’t mean they do not love you.

I was once in a relationship with an incredibly (and scarily) controlling man. [Every day when I got dressed he would suggest I was dressing provocatively, despite being fully covered and wearing the sort of clothes I’d wear to go into a school setting to teach youngsters.]

Something that he was incredibly passionate about (there were many discussions, and many tears) was that if he died first, he did not want me to ever have another partner. Period. He wanted me to promise this. I, however, would want my partner to accept new love if it presented itself as I would never want to deny a partner any happiness after my passing. This guy’s stress was particularly based upon: who would I spend eternity with if I got together with someone after him? (He wasn’t particularly religious, but believed in an after life.)

We eventually agreed that if he died below a certain age, I would be allowed to fall in love again, and if he died after that certain age, I wouldn’t. Believe me, this was a ridiculous thing to agree on, but at that time I was fighting for my general survival so it was the best result.

The point is, you cannot, and should not try to control others beyond your death. The only person in this life you can have control over is yourself. If you think you would have a problem with getting together with a widower, then don’t. As for how you would feel if you were yourself a widower, you can’t possibly know until that point in your life.

@janbb and @Judi have already said what I would want to say about comparing past and present loves.

@harple Wow, wow, wow…..glad you escaped that trap. If it were me, after we agreed on the acceptable age of death that would allow me to have another relationship I’d have killed him myself on that date. lolol

ROFLMAO, @Coloma.

You guys keep saying you can’t do this and do that. But I’m just saying if you happen to feel like your first spouse was the one you fit best with and that you favored is that wrong is all.

If I felt like that, @chelle21689, I’d see no benefit in telling my current spouse. I’d keep it in my heart and to myself. Nothing wrong with feeling that way at all. I just wouldn’t see the purpose of telling that to my current partner.