How can I get her to see she is being selfish?

Do you speak to her, or do you only communicate through your hubby, or do you communicate with her using emails?

It sounds a bit perplexing to me. I don’t think you can cap all the dynamics in a paragraph.

Whatever you do, do what is best for the child. Ensure that you have medical proxy in the event that his father is not available.

I would appeal to her as a mother. It isn’t fair that you should have to uproot your seven yearn old for whatever reason.

Saying that, the situation seems extremely complex. Usually custody is, and I wouldn’t expect that anyone here can give you truly good advice without knowing your situation intimately.

You’ve had your issues with your son’s biological mother for a while, where he is 18 have you examined whether or not its in his best interest to have her visits come to an end. With Autisim the child needs to have alot of structure in there life because they don’t deal well with change very well. There are different things out there that can help you have a break from all the work involved with raising him and still provide you with the structure that he needs rather than send him to her and all of a sudden it changes and he and you can’t handle it. I just am not seeing that she wants to be commited to her son.

She can’t see the problem and just wants to stick him on a plane and then told him to get a taxi to our house. (?? he has never taken a plane alone and doesn´t know how to ‘get a taxi’... he can barely talk.) She wants to go on holiday with her boyfriend and made all these plans without consulting us and is having a hissy fit because we are telling her it isn’t ok. 1) because of his autism and resent health issues with stressful situations and 2) she is not asking, she is telling us.

@creative1, on the books she has always had sole custody (it was to help her financially buy an apartment) but she has never been a full time mother. For years, we had a strict 50–50 arrangement, but now it is what ever she decides.

@cazzie This does sound like a very difficult situation. It seems his mom is not in tune at all with the needs of her child. I am sure this is extremely stressful for everyone ongoing.

Can you pay a little extra and have him escorted by an airline employee as children are? And, helped to a taxi?

If you say no, will she back down and not ship her son off to you? I ask because I am not sure if explaining more than you probably already have will matter to her. It is completely unfair to have you be responsible for her son when your husband is away. She needs to plan these things.

I’m curious, is there any plan for the future for him to move out from living in her home or yours? I know he is just 18, I am not saying he should be pushed out of the house straight away or anything like that. But, eventually I would think he will move on to a different living situation.

@JLeslie Her attitude for the last 10 years is ‘I don’t care who is looking after him when he is at your house. That is something for you and his father to sort out.’ It wasn’t until someone pointed out to me that if she is out of town and his father is overseas for work, I didn’t have medical proxy for his care. This has really added to my stress about looking after him, especially now with his added medical problems.

I did say no, when I thought about it, and told her why and she did the predictable thing, what she always does, sent a barrage of abusive SMS messages to my husband complaining of how selfish we are, not looking after the boy. (ahem…...) So, NOW, because I am worried about the boy, I have to take my 7 year old on a 2 hour plane ride and a 1 hour bus/train expedition to go get him and cancel my meetings next week. She said that is MY problem because she can’t see why he can’t just fly on his own and get a taxi to my house. Initially, I said, well, someone should meet the plane, give me the flight details and after I thought about it, I really started to worry about something going wrong in the airport or on the flight. If it gets delayed, etc. If my husband and I suggested we do something like this with him, she would jump up and down about his safety.

We put him on short train ride once, 4 or 5 years ago, where she met him on the other side, but she was completely against it and thought we were crazy. We had to convince her that he really wanted to do it and it would be fine because we would be putting him on the train and he would have a cell phone with him and we spoke directly to the one of the conductors, .. not like an airplane ride, where you can’t put him on the plane because of security issues, and then all sorts of unpredictable things can happen, like delays and his current health problems… I just don’t think it is right and I think she is only thinking of her own needs.

@cazzie She is definitely thinking about herself, that’s for sure. I don’t know how high functioning your step son is, so of course anything I suggest might be unhelpful. Are you able to ask him if he feels comfortable having someone help him at the airport? Maybe call the airline and see exactly what service is available to you. He doesn’t act out violently or anything does he? If someone is helpful will he just follow along?

If he did a train ride 4 years ago, I would think he can handle a plane now with assistance. But, again, I don’t really know his capabilities.

Maybe think about it like this, but I could be very wrong, right now you might be more focused on your own anxiety than his. The worry you will have during his journey. If the airline is paid to know where he is at all times, there is 99.99% chance they will do it correctly. I just am not sure if the airlines accomodate adults who need some help like that. I know they will help people who are mentally fine, but just nervous or elderly. My girlfriend’s mom has to change planes three times when she travels to her country and it completely freaks her out. Someone meets her at every gate to take her to the next gate, free of charge.

The other issue she’s not thinking of is that no one will be making sure he gets on his flight or the correct flight. After your checked in she can’t go to the gate with him to ensure he is getting on the right flight. You are a great parent and actually care about her child as if he were yours. I think its time to change over official custody and sure if you show how much she has him any judge would award you full custody. Its time she get a taste of the real world instead of living off the son she doesn’t have or care for. Why should she get the advantages of having full custody if she can’t even care for him the little you ask her to. He is now 18 and should qualify for things such as ssi to help him live on his own eventually. They also have programs where they will help him get the skills needed to work. Being a mom is someone who will drop everything for their child and give them as much as they can and that has been “You” in this situation and its time his bio-mom needs to be out of the picture because if anything by not being stable in his life like he needs its hurting him in the long run. I wonder how he feels being shipped off early. I am sure he comprehends the things that are being said around him even though he can’t vocalize them. Did have a questiong for you does he use the PECS system to communicate at all?

You can’t. You have tried and failed. She is not listening.

@JLeslie You are absolutely right that I am anxious about things because they have changed a great deal in the last 4 months. He has had these horrible anxiety attacks. I wouldn’t even put him on train ride now, unless is was his own idea and he wanted to do it for fun. I certainly wouldn’t coerce him to because I wanted to take a holiday alone with my new boyfriend! She was the one making all the plans with the airline. If something happened, I wouldn’t even have any rights to ask after him on the flight. I don’t have any custodial rights at all, remember? So, she makes the flight arrangements, and if he doesn’t show up on the other end, all I could do is try to contact her, when she is somewhere in Sweden or on her way to Sweden. The airline would not tell me anything. I am not a parent. I would have to just sit here and cross my fingers (while my hands are figuratively tied….)

@marinelife He will communicate with me quite a bit. So much so, that everyone else that has been with him and taught him is shocked when they see us interacting together. I had NO idea it was different with me or such a big deal, because I don’t see him in too many different settings, but in the last few months this has been pointed out to me. His grandparents were the first to see it some years ago and mentioned it, but now many many others have as well. But, when he is alone and stressed, I have picked him up from school after acting out violently, or floods of big tears where he can’t even talk. The latest thing, and by far the worst now, when he stresses he panics and feels like he can’t breathe and starts choking. He sort of starts making screaming-choking noises and cries out that he can’t breathe. Another new thing is he becomes so sullen and depressed looking that it makes everyone around him almost cry and he will refuse to reply to anyone who addresses him. The reasons for these reactions can be something as little as not liking the food he is given or someone touching him or losing his place during a computer game or having the TV turned off, so you see, things have changed lately.

He is 18 now, so custody has nothing to do with it. I don’t want custody, but I absolutely thought about it when he was younger and brought it up several times with his father, but he has a mother. I just want his mother to start acting like a rational human being. I live in a different, smaller county than the mother and there may be better opportunities here for him, so I can’t address it alone, of course, because I am not his parent, but I can drag his father with me and get some information. (the father who couldn’t be bothered to go the boy’s 18th birthday party, mind you…) We have high hopes for this new school he will start in the fall, so it is a wait and see there. He will qualify for some form of SS support (or the equivalent here in Norway…). His father and I will never see any of that money to help look after him. She will control that. Just as she has done with any support she received while claiming to be a 100% custodial parent of a disabled child. My husband has never even so much as claimed the child as a dependent on his tax return.

UPDATE: I think I have decided that I am NOT going to go to Oslo with my 7 year old to pick him up. Hubby will be done with work in Scotland around that time, so he can fly right into Oslo and escort him home. I have too much work to do.

@cazzie I had not thought that completely through with the custody complication. I wonder if the airline would have any concept of it since he is 18?

I’m glad you won’t have to fly out to receive him.

@JLeslie ‘Are you family’ is always the first thing they ask. In this country, I am not considered ‘family’ as a step parent. To be perfectly honest, part of me feels guilting that I am not going. I am sick.

Is there a CPS in her country that you could call? Any branch of government that you could run this by?

@cazzie, I can only imagine how it got to this point. You have to be an advocate for yourself first and then your children. Speak to your husband and get together on how you are both going to handle her. She is going to be a part of your life for a very, very, very long time. It isn’t healthy to feel stress over this and allow her to dictate your lives. Good luck and best wishes with the outcome.

@SpatzieLover I tried that. I was told I had no power because I was a step parent and if there was a complaint to be made, it had to be done by the other parent. (and he just wants to keep the peace by forcing me to do what she wants… that has defined the last 10 years.)

You do have power over yourself & your so. I suggest you begin to use it. Either stand up for yourself or keep taking it up the tail pipe as you have been doing.

Possibly you could speak to your husband about having his son put into a group home or some type of supportive care nearer to your home than hers? It seems he’s too much trouble for her to deal with.

@cazzie It would be the same here in the US. They would ask if you are family. I assume step parent does not qualify here either as family? Not 100% sure. But, since he is 18 he would be able to speak for himself is what I meant. Be able to say he wants you to be able to help, because he would be viewed as an adult. A young child would not have that power if you did not have guardianship. Assuming the airline is not aware of the custody arrangement due to his condition. His ID says he is an adult, age of majority.

I hate that you feel sick about it :(. I understand why it is so difficult for you. I wish you did not take on so much of the responsibility, they really have no idea how incredibly lucky they are that you are so caring.

@SpatzieLover Brings up what I was touching on above, if there were any plans for the future for your step son to move out? Her idea is a good one, to be in a living facility near you and his father.

The only power I have is that if I move me and my young son out of the situation. I would be SUBSTANTIALLY better off as a single parent here. I am now at a point that I am thinking, if I can’t get a job and tell her to fuck off when she tries to her shit, I will leave the whole situation. As a single, immigrant mother, I would have substantial access to benefits and help.

In all honesty, given what we know of this woman… I think it’s time to stop accommodating her altogether. If you refuse her, what will she do? She wouldn’t just send him out to your house if you weren’t there, would she? Start telling her you won’t be home, period.

@augustlan I actually tried that two weeks ago. She said that she didn’t need me to be there because he had a key. The reason I said no was because I had tickets for me and my young son to go to an event in the city and we were going to be gone all day and I am not comfortable having him here unattended because, when I checked with local authority, they told me that I was responsible for his welfare if he was at my house.

@cazzie Change the locks. I’m dead serious.

@augustlan It would be easier to just take his key off next time he is here and that is actually a damn good idea.

Just wanted to add a disclaimer: If doing it will actually put the boy at risk, obviously, don’t. I don’t think it’s likely, but she might be full-on crazy!

I would do it not to disenfranchise him, by the way…. but to show her that I MUST be here or his father MUST be here and that we are not just her convenient dumping ground.

OMG. I guess she is over taking care of him. I’m with @augustlan.

I guess maybe you do need to be ready to walk away from your husband if you are going to draw a line. Not that you will definitely have to leave, but if your husband doesn’t go along with be prepared before you have the big conversation. I’m so sorry you are going through this. My last ditch effort would be finding your stepson other living arrangements. Do you think your husband will go along with that? Your stepson is finally getting to an age when you should hopefully be dealing with him less, not more.

If you are sick of your husband anyway, and I have no idea if you are, then this can be a good excuse to leave. Make sure you know why you are really leaving though.

Yeah, and Oh, that thing two weeks ago… her boyfriend was in town then. She did send him to me and he did stay for a while, ..... he mentioned he would like to stay two nights, so that is what I said to her and planned for with meals and such.. (his father was NOT home.. btw.) but, he called her the next day, and, poof, she arranged to pick him up…. so there is NO cooperation that goes either way and there is NO way to plan. I cancel appointments all the time and suddently I needn’t have or suddenly, I have to cancel appointments and plans suddenly…. I was kicked out of my last crafting co-op because I was ‘Unreliable’. I am sick of it.

Understandable, really @cazzie. Obviously, something has to change. You are at the end of your rope.

You have your own child to put your time and energy into. IMO, it’s time for you to either lose it with this woman and lay down the law (change locks, tell her what days you will accept him over, etc) or you & your son need to up & leave.

WOW…. this whole thing just completely blew up in my face.

What happened, @cazzie?

Hubby missed his flight from Aberdeen. I got mad that he missed his flight and called him a few choice words. He blamed ME that he missed his flight because he spent time shopping for things for me.. (his twisted logic, that makes it my fault) he sounded pretty drunk when he called to tell me. Then, I get a message from the mother saying that she is flying back with our son on Tuesday, and so I shouldn’t worry, it will all be fine. ???? So, WTF is going on? This is how this all works, though. Very typical.

So, he sent me an email with a picture of what he bought and told me he is just going to throw it all away because he doesn’t care. I should just fuck off and I am a bitch. Typical. And he jumps up and down if I dare call him ‘abusive’..... wholly crap.

Wow. It may be past time to get out of that relationship.

@augustlan yeah, no kidding.

@cazzie I have had nothing quite so severe but what you describe reminds somewhat of what brought me to the end of my rope with my husband’s family. Basically it came down to me always trying to help, and then being accused of making things worse. Kind of like no good deed goes unpunished. So, you know what. I do nothing now. They get very little attention or time from me. They feel I don’t do enough, or am always complicating things, and then in the end they do something to make everything fine and I look crazy for harping or worrying….fuck them. Everything was always twisted, by me putting myself in situations, involving myself, I was set up as a scapegoat. They are just different than me in certain ways, and honestly with them I behave like them now. You get what you give is what I think when I think about them.

I don’t know if you will actually leave, but I think maybe you will have to emotionally distance yourself somewhat to protect yourself, so they cannot manipulate you.

@cazzie: It sounds like your relationship with your husband is a whole ‘nother can of worms. If I were you, I’d be evaluating both my relationship with my hubby and my involvement with step-son/his mother. The step-son relationship seems like a thankless job, and the relationship with hubby seems like it could use some assessment, too.