My friends mom died and she doesn't want me to go to funeral or breakfast...

She might be hiding something from you if she doesn’t want you to meet her family or other friends and boyfriends. Or, she might just prefer one-on-one time with friends, or not want her friends/family to judge her other friends. I am like this.

Anyway, her mother’s funeral should be her call and not something you should cause a ruckus over. IMHO. If she is a true friend, she should understand that you wanted to attend in order to support her. But honestly, it doesn’t sound like right now is the time to try to hash out your potential friendship problems. She is in mourning.

Accept what she says and back off.

The funeral is not about you. It’s her mom.

ff she does not want you to go, the correct response is “OK. We’ll get together when things settle down.”.

Let me repeat. The funeral is not about you. Don’t go. Got it?

There is nothing to do except respect her wishes and as @bookish1 says, it is her call. If you find this to be unacceptable to you then you might want to re-evaluate your friendship. I agree, now is NOT the time to air your grievances about her lack of involving you in her family situations. Obviously this has been going on for 25 years, she is not going to change.

Either you accept this quirk about her or you let go of the friendship.

This is really not the time to try to get her to address issues with your friendship. Just let her know that you’re there for her if she needs anything, and then let it go. If you feel like you need to talk to her about your issues, wait a couple of months and then bring it up.

It’s been 25 years and nothing has changed about your friendship, now is not the time to push it. Send her a card, flowers, a donation to her favorite charity in honor of her mother, something that shows support in the say you’ve done so in the past.

If she is this way with you and her other friends then she appears to be a very private person who prefers one on one interaction, not group interaction. Find out what makes her tick, and base your friendship on that. If that doesn’t work for you, then you have a decision to make, she’s already made hers and is comfortable with who she is. Either you have see that or move on. Good luck.

Support her as she wants to be supported. She may feel embarrassed by you or not want to have to explain you to her family and she may not have the energy to deal with the drama. Maybe her family is weird about outside friends. For whatever reason, she has a powerful reason to keep her friends separate from her family and her mom’s funeral is not the place to change that.

Respect her wishes. Support her privately. Deal with the family issues later.

As the people above have said, accept her request to not show up to the funeral or breakfast, support her one on one when you can.

Realize that there may be something very embarrassing about her family. There may be a severe alcoholic, or someone who abused her in some way. They may be verbally or emotionally abusive to her. Perhaps in a few months you could talk to her about it, but not now.

You should honor her request.

I think, however, that you should reconsider the friendship.

This has nothing to do with you. Address the other issues much, much later.

Write a note, send a donation to the appropriate place, drop off some food if you want to do something.

Is it possible that there is something about YOU she dislikes and is reluctant to involve you in her family life?
I let go of a gossipy, nosey, overstepping boundaries “friend” last year for a myriad of reasons. I had long ago decided I would never introduce her to anyone I was dating because she was so nosy and competitive. It wasn’t that I worried she’d try to seduce my dates, she is married, but the woman has no boundaries and is extremely intrusive.

The one time I did invite her to a party with a new date of mine she took over his attentions by being a martyred victim and sharing her, at the time, personal and marital woes with this guy. He was trapped for 2 hours trying to get away from her. Gah!

Honor her request and start looking for a new friend. It is obvious that she doesn’t need you and you shouldn’t need her. Besides, this might be a good time to figure out if you really need her as a friend.

Did you know her mom personally? Do you want to go to the wake/funeral to pay respect to her mom? If so, go or a few minutes, give your condolences to the family and leave.

If not, send a card to your friend. Then, re-evaluate your friendship.

If you’ve been friends for 25yrs, I’m guessing you at least knew her mom a bit. If so, this has little to do with you and said friend, and more to do with you wanting to do what’s right for you.

Since your friend said she doesn’t want/need your support at the funeral or at the breakfast, just say your condolences and leave.

I wouldn’t care what anyone else said to me. If someone that I’ve known for 25yrs dies, I’ll go to at least the wake to show my repect.

Respect her wishes. Some people don’t deal well with the death of a close relative and it can sometimes lead to irrational behavior.

You have said that you do not know the mother and that you have been wrestling with this clearly lopsided friendship for 25 years. Time to rethink it. Don’t be a slow learner..it is not good for your psyche.

Funerals are silly in my opinion. Don’t worry about it too much.

Short term: If she doesn’t want you there, don’t go. The last thing you want to do is cause additional upset at a time like this.

Long term: Re-think this ‘friendship’. It sounds very lopsided.

Like @marinelife wrote, I’d leave her only to grieve her own way and consider that she may be your friend but she views you as a familiar or acquaintance and not her friend.

You don’t go. Simple as that. Her mother, her family and her choice.

@LICORICECAT : I apologize, I felt so strongly about your question that I forgot to say Welcome to Fluther! Hope you stick around.

@bookish1 @LICORICECAT I too got so excited about the Q I did not even notice you were new. I looked in on this question this morning just to see how you made out and if you took our advice. I’m glad bookish1 pointed out yo were new.
Welcome.