My g/f has gone "crazy" since moving in, how do I deal with it?

I was ready to say, “give it time, see if she settles in,” until you said you over heard her bitching about you on the phone.
One thing I know for sure, I can be as cranky and all get up, but the cardinal sin is bad mouthing my hubby to others. I don’t think there is many things more crushing to a guy than the person he trusts the most treating him with disrespect in front of others.
I would suggest you guys get a few counseling sessions.
Being depressed is one thing, but it does not excuse verbal abuse. She needs to learn some tools to deal with her depression without abusing you in the process.

@Judi She has talked about seeking counseling (for herself), but I don’t know what progress is being made in that area. I’m trying to give her time, because I know relationships go through ebs and flows, as do peoples lives. As angry and upsetting as it can be right now, I remember how incredibly happy I was just a few short months ago… So I’m giving it time. But it’s just becoming very difficult.

She needs to see someone for her depression, and you guys need to see someone for couples counseling.

Dr Phil says, “you teach people how to treat you.” if you don’t communicate that this is unacceptable in a strong way now, I can promise you it will get worse. You need to take the step to get couples counseling. You are laying the foundation for your long term relationship and if you really care about this girl you need to learn to communicate appropriately NOW or you will both be miserable a year from now.

@Judi Oh I’ve made it abundantly clear I won’t stand for this. We’ve had several fights and talks where I’ve done just that, and pointed out to her that if this keeps up I won’t be sticking around. I’ve explained to her that she needs to stop taking out her frustrations on me.

While I’m not opposed to couples counseling, I’d like to see what happens with her seeking counseling first. I don’t think the issues that are driving her nuts necessarily have much to do with our relationship, and I feel it would be more beneficial for her to seek counseling for herself first.

I guess the real gist of it the question, is how do I get through this?

Step one: Does she see a psychiatrist and is she on medication?

After that’s done, I would suggest seeing a couple’s therapist. As far as how do you deal with it, I am not sure. Maybe you could see a therapist on your own to vent and get some ideas.

Does she exercise? That might help her relieve some tension. Maybe you could both take up bike riding or hiking or something.

This will not get better on its own. And will only get worse. Over the years quite few of my friends got divorced. That is exactly how it starts. You will finally crack when you realize you are being criticized and yelled at no matter what you do. You water the grass – she complains that you wasted water. You don’t water – she complains you are letting the grass turn brown.
Here’s one that happened to one of my friends. She complained to him that her breasts were too sensitive and he should not touch them. Then he heard from a friend that she was complaining that he does not touch her breasts.
They got divorced about a year later. (Turns out she had been cheating for years.).

Think about this for a moment. You are never going to be in better shape than you are right now. You are never going to be as young as you are right now. Nor is she.
If this is as good as it it going to get, do want it? Fighting serves no purpose. You are responsible for your own happiness.
I am not going to make suggestions except to say: plan accordingly.

I’m inclined to agree with @LuckyGuy. I spent the last 21 years of my life in relationships that I invested a lot of time into, working hard to make it work, waiting and hoping for the day that it ‘got better.’ They never did. That’s my experience—and if I find myself hoping a relationship will get better, I believe that is my first clue to move on. I can’t say your experience is the same.

I read up on the Gottman Relationship Institute and they’ve done decades of research on married couples. I don’t agree with everything they’ve said, but I do strongly agree with one point—they have found that the #1 relationship killer is contempt. Being annoyed from time to time is different than real contempt—you have to decide if she’s gone into contempt-zone or not. If she has, it’s up to her to get out of that zone—you can talk to her about it, but can’t force her out of that zone.

She needs professional help but I fear that this is something that you can’t force her to do, she will have to take steps to do that herself. You say you have informed her that you will not stand for being treated that way but, unless you follow that up, she is going to carry on treating you that way. Whilst I understand you want to try and make the relationship work, I feel that the only thing that will make her realise her behaviour is not acceptable is you following through your threat and not “sticking around”. If she loves you, she will (hopefully) realise that she is treating you badly and take steps to make it right (hopefully this will push her towards counselling if she feels her behaviour is out of her control). I’m not saying leave the relationship but I am saying that insisting on space until she sees the error of her ways may be the answer. It’s no good saying “if you keep treating me this way, I will leave” if you don’t follow through.

You never know somebody until you live with them. Looking back, you didn’t see any red flags indicating this side of her personality?

@bkcunningham For the most part no. She would have streaks of a few days when she was PMS’ing, but that was it. Never for an extended period lasting several weeks or months on a nearly day-in-day-out basis. We practically lived with one another well before actually moving in, spending most nights at one anothers places and arguably more time together than we are now. I didn’t see this coming at all, I was actually extremely excited to be moving in.

Like, @LuckyGuy, I’d never want to tell you what you should do. You are the only one who knows what you are willing to accept and the type of relationship you want. Relationships go through a honeymoon period where both parties are on their best behavior. Sounds like the honeymoon is over.

I’ve learned the hard way that people do not change. You either accept the person the way they are or haul ass. I’m curious to know how long you were together before you moved in. You have some tough choices to make in the coming weeks. Good luck.

@Trillian We started dating in December of 2010. Moved in May 2012, so 15–16 months.

One thing that I think might be at the root of this is her expectations. Sometimes women expect certain things at certain levels of a relationship. Perhaps she expected this move in was going to be a huge step in your relationship and was expecting something to change.

I’ve had this expectation with a boyfriend before. We had been friends for years and then suddenly he was my boyfriend, and I expected it to be like putting on the glass slipper and turning him into Prince Charming. When it didn’t happen like that, I was disappointed and angry at him, and I started sniping at him for not meeting my whimsical expectations.

After a couple of weeks of this, he blew up at me and we “broke up.” I did some soul searching, figured out what was wrong, he realized he might have overreacted a bit and we dated for a long time afterward.

You could have a calm discussion with her about what her expectations for your relationship were with the move in. Was she perhaps expecting to have more input in your decisions, since her lot is now tied in with yours? (Which is another thing entirely. Now that she is living with you she might expect that you will consult her more, like before redoing the closet or buying the ice cream. Your wasted money is now her wasted money, not exactly, but that is how it feels. She is depending on your livelihood for her dwelling.)

I would visit these issues that @athenasgriffin brings up in front of a therapist. The therapist could act as a moderator.

@athenasgriffin I see your point, to a point. She has commented that she wants more romantic gestures out of me. And I do try. I know that after a while the initial “fire” of a relationship fades, and I try to keep it going. But we’re human, it isn’t fairy tales for ever. Eventually it becomes a regular relationship and things aren’t endlessly cute. I had thought we reached that point long ago and had gotten through it just fine.

I guess I dunno what she expected to be different. We were practically living together before actually moving in together, so she was well aware of what it was like. I’m just as busy (if not busier) now as I was then. As far as her having more say in my decisions, I never planned on that… at least not until the likes of marriage. She’s criticized my usage of my money before, I have a great deal of student loan debt and she basically points out I could be putting money I spend on other things towards that. But I long ago (and several times since) pointed out to her that I would rather live happily and have some things that make me happy while being in debt for the next 15 years, than live on Ramen noodles, be bored, but pay them off in 12 years. Besides that, in 3 years I’ve never missed a payment on the 12+ monthly bills I have… so obviously I can handle my own budget.

And with the closet, OK I can see how she might be put off that I changed it. But I think I made it better, and her assessment that it looked like crap and was just piled in there is 100% off base. And even fully accepting that my way is wrong, putting it back will take a few minutes… but she acted like it was the end of the world.

I’m staying calm, I’m trying to be there for her… but it’s just… difficult.

She sounds really emotionally unstable, maybe she has a personality disorder, who knows. All I know is this seems like a relationship that carries a heavy emotional price tag. Walking on eggshells, never knowing what will set her off. This is all emotionally abusive, do not make excuses for her irrational outbursts.

Either set some serious boundaries or kick her out.
Nope my fine young man, trade her in before they have to bring the dead horse cart ‘round to your door. Abusive realtionships can leave you lame for a long time.

@Coloma Sigh… yah I’m kinda just hoping it doesn’t come to something like that.

@tedd Well….often it takes a long time to educate oneself on “red flag” behaviors, hence, us older peeps have already been down that crooked path of relationship lunacy once or twice. lol
Bottom line ” love” is actions, not words, and “loving” relationships are not about merely coping with anothers issues. To say you love someone but to treat them poorly, take all your crap out on them, yet claim to “love” them…..the ultimate in oxymoronic twistedness.

But alas, this is how we silly humans learn.
If one keeps insisting on kissing the serpent on it’s little vipery head, well….lol

@tedd I didn’t mean to imply she was in the right, just illuminate how she might feel so you can (hopefully) better handle the situation.

Also, it doesn’t seem like she’s thinking rationally right now, it seems like she’s thinking emotionally. Hopefully, she’ll start thinking rationally soon so you two can understand each other better. However, as things stand you might try to understand the hurt/vulnerable/angry place she is coming from. She has no right to demean you, and you have every right to be incredibly frustrated and confused, but try not to be defensive. Maybe you can get her to open up and have a real discussion with you when you are both in a calm, relatively peaceful place.

I really hope things go well for both of you. If this combativeness is an anomaly in your relationship, not the status quo, then I’m sure you can work through it.

@linguaphile, my son and his wife have gone to several Gottman seminars and it has dramatically helped their relationship. They are also learning to be better parents.

Ask her to move out. Tell her this is not what you signed up for.

Well, I lived with my last boyfriend and he worked a lot more than I did during that period and being out of that situation now and looking back on it, it was stressful living together and I picked up a lot of his slack. Little things would annoy me and they would affect our relationship. But it doesn’t sound like that’s the way it is for you guys. Though, you say the job she’s at now isn’t what she wants to be doing…that can really put a negative spin on things in general. If she’s unhappy on a day to day basis at work, well that sucks, and is probably affecting her mood outside of work too and therefore on your relationship.

But who knows? Sounds like a shitty situation and I’m sorry to hear about it. The best I can say is be stern….if she knows you won’t stand for being treated like shit, especially for no reason, that should wake her up. Either she’ll quit bitching about nothing or she’ll lose you. THen she’ll find out which one matters more to her, right? Good luck

Does she think her behavior is problematic?

@tedd If you need to you know you can always sleep on my couch… I am not to far away. Even if you did ignore my boating invite.

@mowens Though I fear for what may be on that couch, I appreciate the offer and I’ll keep it in mind :) lol.

@nikipedia Yes, or at least she does when we talk about it after the fact. At the time though she seems to be oblivious to it.

@deni She’s a Zoo Keeper, she left a job where she was essentially training animals at the Zoo for a show, because the management and conditions were awful. Being that there’s really only one zoo here, and her odds of getting a job in another area of said zoo are small, she opted to take a job at a Vet clinic so she could stay in town with me (I have aspirations of another job that will likely involve me moving from this town, but for the time being I’m where I’m at). She doesn’t hate it there. Compared to her last job it’s a daily vacation. But it isn’t what she wants to be doing in the long run, and her new boss.. while very nice, he sounds like he’s a bit stupid.

@marinelife She has said that if things don’t improve on her end by the fall she will voluntarily move home with her parents (about two hours away). She wants to continue the relationship though even if we reach that point, but if trouble lasts that long I dunno how I’ll feel about that situation. One problem with just kicking her out though or leaving myself…. we signed a one year lease, neither of us can afford it alone. So we’d either have to deal with the landlord legally/monetarily, or whoever stayed would have to round up a room mate. Basically it’s messy if we get to that option.

@tedd What on gods green earth do you think I did to my couch? Would you rather sleep on the gay man’s bed?!!! I DIDNT THINK SO!!!!!!! HAahaha

@mowens hahahaha… touche

I’d like to hear her side of the story before giving advice, to be honest.

@nonexpert Welcome to fluther, and yes, very valid point. Still though, anyone that thinks it is alright to take their emotional stress out on another has a lot of work to do. Gotta nip these things in the bud before they become unhealthy patterns of “relating.”

@nonexpert She has been on this site before, but to my knowledge isn’t a frequent visitor anymore. I’m hesitant to point out that I’ve started this thread to her, as I fear it would anger her and just start a fight.

I can’t give you her exact side of the story, but as I’ve pointed out she has come to the conclusion that she is going through some kind of depression and has been getting angrier lately.. and is trying to work on it. Essentially she has realized she is in the wrong several times after the fight. She told me she was going to seek counseling, and planned to move back with her parents in the fall if things didn’t improve for her and the depression.

I am confident to say that this behavior isn’t about your or your relationship. So many things have changed for her it can be that she’s experiencing anxiety and depression. One can’t just snap out of that. She needs to see an experienced psychologist, psychiatrist or a healer she trusts. She may need meds and birth control pills CAN absolutely drive a person mentally batshit.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir She had tried about a month ago to start new BC (with a lower dose), but we saw no effect… Now granted though this was already in the middle of the current streak, so who know necessarily if it made a difference or not.

She plans (and I support the idea) to stop taking her BC once she’s done with this pack/cycle. We’re hoping it will help.

Nooooooo, @tedd.

@bkcunningham ?

I’d just hate to see you risk a baby in all this uncertainty. Sorry.

Just keep a 1000 pak of condoms in the drawer, you’ll be fine.

Speaking only for myself… She is carrying around waaay too much baggage.

I read the responses above and see that you are already backpedalling. Take off the rose colored glasses and look objectively at the situation.

Here’s an expample of something that bothers me. You bought her ice cream during the power failure to make her feel better and she criticized you for being wasteful and stupid. (IMO you were being wasteful and stupid, dude) But, had you done that for me, I would have said “Thank you! It was just what I wanted.” And I would have meant it. You were being caring and nice. Complaining about it to another person is the unforgivable part.

By the way, so what if she sees this? Is she going to be pissed at you? She’s already mad at everything you do, right? She mad if you do nothing. She’s mad if you do something. It sounds like she’s mad.
Life is too short. Set a date and stick to it.

@bkcunningham @Coloma Oh don’t worry, we were planning on using other methods.

@josie Maybe, but if so I dunno what. Something she’s kept from me.

@LuckyGuy That’s kind of where I’m at with it. Just trying to make it to that date is seeming to become more difficult.

@tedd The point is, it doesn’t matter what. It just is. And it will make your life miserable. Like my colleague above said…Life is too short.

@tedd @Coloma Somemting tells me you won’t be needing all 1000 of those condoms. Save yourself some money and just get a 12 pack.

Costco.

You’re girlfriend definitely needs to get some psyhiatric help for her depression/anger/anxiety. Hopefully they can find out what is causing her symptoms/problems, although it seems pretty apparent that she has a lot of baggage, which is causing some of the trouble, and possibly the birth control pills are causing more problems, but she needs to see a doctor (her gynocologist) to see if the pills are actually playing into the problem.

But I still think (and I realized I said this to you back when you were planning to move in with her, which you can re-read if you want to, but you don’t have to LOL : Here) that you guys need to go to a couples counselor together, even beyond the fact that she needs to get some help on her own.

I believe that there were a lot of red flags before you moved in together that you just didn’t want to see, and I still believe that moving in together after only dating for nine months, was simply way too soon. That being said, since you are already in this fire, going to see a couples therapist will make a lot of things much clearer to both of you now.

A good couples therapist, whether they’re a psychiatrist, psychologist or even a clergy counselor, will ask you tons of questions, give you tons of potential scenarios and have you two discuss how you do, or might in the future, handle these situations. After the therapist learns about you and your girlfriend’s modus operandi they will offer you some mental tools regarding carrying on if you choose to stay together. Usually, this means quite a bit of change. They can also suggest to you whether or not you two are good candidates for a lasting healthy relationship.

Don’t wait to seek couples counseling, or this whole thing could get a lot worse. You guys don’t see eye to eye on such things as romance, handling finances, and household organization. It is possible for people with very different styles of living to be happy together, but only once they’ve decided that it’s OK and acceptable for the other person to be how they are. There’s a huge difference between merely tolerating (and boiling into fits of anger underneath) and actually accepting other people’s (sometimes huge) differences. Living with people who have huge, or even small differences, takes a bit of compromising, but compromising gladly, and sometimes actual changing of the way you do things, but the changing and compromise has to come from actual acceptance of doing those actions. If you constantly feel like you’re being forced to do those changes and compromises, life will he hellish for both of you.

In the meantime, you might consider asking some of your friends if they’d be interested in becoming roomates with you. And find out, how much it would cost you to break your lease, and come up with deposit and first month’s rent elsewhere, if it comes down to that.

I really do hope everything works out for you, my dear @tedd

I had a very similar situation with a g/f who moved to the city where I live just to be with me. She went crazy and got very ill on the day she moved in. It was a nightmare. I eventually saw that she was using me and everything I had. I literally had to tell her quietly, but firmly, that she was history. And this was almost at midnight one night. She got herself and her dog in her car and went to a fleabag motel.

Both @LuckyGuy and @linguaphile are dead on right. Contempt is a killer. Kick the woman out and kick her out now.

@tedd Would you mind giving us an update?

@Pied_Pfeffer Sure.

As of now things are improving/good. We talked about it a few times (usually after a fight) and she admitted she was having issues and how she planned to deal with them. While some of the measures she said she would take to deal with them have not come to fruition, she has dealt with them as we haven’t had an outright fight in a while now, especially nothing close to what we were having.

There is still a lot of damage to be repaired. I’m still a bit burned by the whole thing and I’d be lying if I said my feelings were completely restored, and from the looks of it hers have also been effected to some degree. I guess the gist of it is it’s too early to tell, but things have definitely improved with her.