Am I insane?

I don’t think you are insane, but you obviously fall outside the paramaters of normal. I would try to find a psycologist to talk to about your concerns.

You seem to suffer from the ‘I would never belong to a club that would have the human race as members’ problem. I would try to learn to be more compassionate and understanding of other people. We are born into this and this is what we got.

How do you rationalise the ‘I am an anarchist’ and ‘I am an organiser’ sides of you? When you are trying to accomplish a goal and need people’s assistance, surely, you want a number of people to cooperate and follow your instructions. Is that not what governments do?

Usually, when people can ask themselves the question and be as self aware, ‘Am I insane?’ they usually aren’t. That doesn’t mean there aren’t obvious problems. Find someone to talk to.

I truly don’t think you are insane. You seem to be extremely passionate about certain things, things a lot of people could stand to be more passionate about, in my humble opinion. Your example of the three articles, for instance… it’s perfectly logical to see the ridiculousness in that, and to be upset by it.

However, you seem to be overly invested in your view of the world as a big evil cesspool, inhabited by despicable people. To the point that you may be needlessly making yourself miserable. There is an awful lot of good in the world, too, and balance is extremely important to mental health. I know we’ve talked about this a bit in the past, and that you weren’t interested in changing things at that time. Have you had any change of heart about that? If so, I urge you to find a therapist and/or medication to help you moderate your feelings a bit. Get you on a more even keel, so that you can still be passionate but not be engulfed in the flames of your own emotions. Being an activist on behalf of the underdog is a noble thing. However, it should not be the only thing. Find some joy, and spread it around. That makes the world a better place, too, and you a happier person for it.

“I’ve lived to bury my desires
and see my dreams corrode with rust
now all that’s left are fruitless fires
that burn my empty heart to dust.

Struck by the clouds of cruel fate
My crown of Summer bloom is sere
Alone and sad, I watch and wait
And wonder if the end is near.

As conquered by the last cold air
When Winter whistles in the wind
Alone upon a branch that’s bare
A trembling leaf is left behind.”

- Alexander Pushkin

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

If you have been suffering from depression for the majority of your life then this obviously colors everything you do and think.

But obviously you’ve come to a point where you recognize that if absolutely no one wants to deal with you then the basic problem lies with you rather than with everyone else whom you’ve ever encountered.

I’m not a doctor but if you’ve been depressed for that long that is certainly indicative of a chemical imbalance. (a very close friend of mine had his life shipwrecked by chemical imbalance as did two of his siblings and their Father. His particular situation was obviously genetic and this was in the days before Lithium was around. He was a military academy graduate, obviously a brilliant person but had to be medically retired a few years after graduation. The majority of his life has been spent trying to find some balance.)

I have a hunch that you could get some relief if your chemical imbalance were treated. But I also know what a chemical roller coaster that is initially from seeing what he went through. Everybody is uniquely different. What works for one person may not for someone else But after much trial and error things have stabilized for him.

I can understand why you have probably been reluctant to go down that road as it’s difficult to see an end in sight, especially when in the grip of depression.

But if it’s either that or spending the rest of your life alone, pessimistic and miserable, what other choice is there. I would urge you to seek out whatever medical person in your area is an expert in dealing with depression.

But whether you do or you don’t, I have one other suggestion along with a question.

The Q is, I’m wondering if there is anything or anybody for whom you feel compassion? Abused animals or kids or others in unfortunate circumstances? Anything?

Being asexual is not necessarily that big a problem and could actually be helpful in the right circumstances. Why not seek out areas to volunteer your help and compassion where sex is the farthest thing from anybody minds ?

Granted, our society in general is overly sex crazed and obnoxious.

But in dire circumstances, where survival is more imperative, it’s pretty low on the priority list.

What about spending time with animals in need ? I’m sure there are plenty of shelters in your neck of the woods who would love to have someone help out with attending to the needs of the animals and they give unconditional love for even the slightest bit of attention.

Find a no-kill shelter and offer to help out. Not crusading or fighting city hall or anything. That can really sap energy and give little satisfaction. Just take some dogs for a walk around the grounds or brush them.

That’s just one idea. I think it would do you a lot of good to put your energies into something or someone on a one to one basis so you can see some results and have a little hope.

If you can’t stand either animals or kids, then volunteer to read to the blind or to tutor the illiterate to teach them to read. Anything that gets you out of your intense self focus or constant fighting with authority. Go back to that when you’re feeling better.

Just spend some time meeting the genuine needs of other living beings who desperately need a little care and attention. Do something positive rather than constant striving.

No, you are not insane. But you are clinically depressed and if you don’t get some help with it the rest of your life will continue in this pattern.

Make up your mind to keep seeking a medical solution for yourself and lend a hand where it’s desperately needed. Even the smallest act of kindness might brighten a few minutes of an otherwise miserable day.

That’s all I’ve got. Hope it helps.

Just to be clear, I think you are one of the most articulate and insightful people I “know”. Want proof? Look at the question you just wrote. Clearly, other people think the same way. You didn’t get ~9400 lurve by being a total loser. That number means that over 4700 times, your writing and thoughts moved total strangers. Granted, that won’t get you a cup of coffee but it will tell you that hundreds of people were moved by your thoughts and ideas.
Those are facts.
I’m not a doc; I haven’t met you in person; and I’m not a shrink so anything I say should be taken with caution.
I don’t like conflict. In fact, I dislike conflict so much I will gladly give up a small percentage of my space, resources, and time, to avoid it. My following the rules and associating with others who do the same makes my life easier and more comfortable – and more productive. I’m not constantly fighting for survival. I’m building for survival and will gladly help others do the same.
But if something/someone makes me uncomfortable beyond my tolerance limit I will avoid or resist with vigor. For me, that threshold is rarely reached. Your threshold level is different from mine.
With that as background I will ask you one question.
Is there something you can improve by building rather than smashing?

I still think you are one of the most interesting contributors here.

Yes.

In many ways and in many areas I feel the same way you do but not to the same degree. Those 3 articles would resonate in my head as irony, I see so much that I call irony, it could drive me crazy if I allowed myself to dwell on it. An example of the kind of stuff that makes me crazy is that a footballer was caught going 90 in a 50 (kmph) zone, he was fined $500 and a 6 month license suspension. The same day a dead whale carcass washed up on the beach, some kids were climbing on it and someone tried to cut out a tooth. Such an act carries a fine of $32000 and jail time. How do you figure stuff like that???

But like I said it’s all a matter of degree. I don’t fit in either, the rules in here give me a pain. It’s why I like dogs better than people. But mate, I think you are close to the edge, you need a shrink and maybe meds. I hate meds but if talking to a shrink doesn’t help then it is better to pop the pill and fell level than to avoid the pill and feel like shit. I would give it a good go just to ease the pain.

And yes I will agree with what several others have said. You’re a smart guy and remind me of that I think Don McLean song, Vincent. Remember the line “the world was never meant for anyone as beautiful as you.” Could be that line was written for you too but you know in AA they tell you, you have to take care of yourself first because you really are the only one you can help. In reality you didn’t cause the problems of the world, you can’t cure or control them and trying to just drives you to the bottle or whatever your numbing mechanism is.

For many years, I would sit around reading Chomsky, Bakunin, and tons of South End Press greats. I would argue endlessly with anyone who would listen. Somewhere along the line, however, I realized some uncomfortable things about myself….

- I was somewhat addicted to the anger I felt.
– I thrived off of knowing more than everyone else, and feeling like I was the only one who knew what what really going on.
– I am an introvert, and this ideological isolation fit worked for me because I almost required it.
– I was not going to be an activist (more than the proselytizing and demonstrations that I would attend). My anger and beliefs would not be something that I would be doing anything about. Mostly, it was because I didn’t see a solution (a realistic one) that had any chance of happening.
– I realized that I was about to slip out of existence soon, and it would be criminal to spend a majority of my life angry, self-righteous, and impotent. I saw a glimpse of a sad old man, obsessed with arguing whether participatory economics or anarcho-syndicalism had a chance of working, etc.

Anyway, much more uncomfortable self-realizations happened, and I found myself seeking to experience things more without the ideological glasses. I found some liberation in that – as well as some guilt – but realized that we (as a species) all have some things in common. We’re all sitting here on a spec of rock in a universe that doesn’t give a shit about us. We’re all trying to create meaning in our life in the only ways we know how. I had made an attempt to find meaning through a self-identification as a superior political outsider in-active activist, and my neighbors had tried to find meaning through religion and consumption. It’s all a bit desperate and tragic, but I can now find some comfort in all of this. If we’re all hurdling towards death, than I can look at my fellow travelers with some compassion and empathy. They’re not the enemy. And I’m not alone – as much as I’d like to feel that way sometimes.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say – through all of my rambling is….
You’re hurting in a deep way. It might just be that years ago you found a way to channel that anger and hurt into something that continued to fuel the anger and hurt. Is it possible to start again? That is – drop what you believe and hold to be all-important and try to view the world (even if for a moment at a time) without the ideological glasses? And if you do, and it reveals something to you, you might find some value in that. You might just find a new path. Just a thought.

My first response to your question was “have you written a manifesto?” But After reading your details and sincere plea for answers, I feel sad and sorry for your pain.
There are such good and thoughtful answers there ^^^ above me.
You’re a smart guy and you are admittedly chronically depressed. I hope that you seek some professional help for your depression.
Do you live in a city? If so have you ever lived in a rural area? A change might be helpful, getting away from some of the problems that you find so upsetting.
Work on a farm or in a forest, with plants or animals that don’t argue back with you or conflict with your way of thinking. Something that can make a difference in even a small way is helpful. I know this might sound idealistic and fanciful, but fresh air and hard physical work can really do a mind and body good.
You can’t change the world @SmashTheState . No one can. You can make a difference in your life, and that in turn can make a difference to others. Stop reading the papers and listening to news for a while. Think of it as a vacation. We all need a break from the bad news, the pressure of dealing with the difficulties of the world. There are people and places that could really use your hard work and dedication, but they cannot be helped by you if your anger and opinions drive them away from you.
Thank you for trusting us enough to ask our opinion on this very personal matter.
I wish you well.

I have been thinking of you again, since I wrote that first post. Being angry at the human race is an extremely sane response to what we see everyday on the news. Not wanting to be a part of the horrifing or banal nature of humans is, arguably, an intelligent and understandable reposnse.

The hardest part for me is taking responsibility for being in charge of my own happiness. There is so much shit to hear and see everyday that I can’t believe, sometimes, I brought another life onto the face of this doomed earth, to take part in this shit system of economic struggle. I had to realise that I had a choice. I could choose to dwell on all the shit I really had no control over that devastated my soul to witness and let it rot me from the inside out, or I could chose to find things every day that made me happy, or gave me some hope or some small joy to look forward to.

There is humour and fun and beauty in the world. Even animals have a sense of it. For people like us, I guess it takes a bit extra effort to find it for ourselves. You need to make an effort and choice to look for it and not let the assholes get you down.

I don’t know you well enough, except through your own writing (which I don’t always credit as completely honest) to call you insane. But you don’t seem to be as self-aware as you like to think, either.

For example, you speak of all the ways in which you are different from most other people you know (or know of) and then seem to question why “society” is as fucked-up as it is (in your opinion). If you’re asexual and have “never felt lust”, which you must surely know is abnormal for a man your age, then why come down on the rest of the world for feeling those things and acting in accordance with those feelings?

You claim to resent and fight against “authority” of all kinds and in all places, and yet you’re an “anarchist organizer”, a contradiction in terms and an apparent rebuke of all the things you say about “hating authority”.

More often than not, it’s hard for me to take you seriously or treat you as a rational person.

I do wish you well, to the extent that you’re not actively trying to fuck up my life because it doesn’t appeal to you in many ways, but I don’t think there’s any way I can help you.

As to the newspaper stories to which you refer, “the homeless” can be homeless anywhere at all, right? That is what makes them homeless, after all. Why is it so strange to think that business people would want to keep “the homeless” away from the central business district and scare away the shoppers, diners, theater-goers, etc.? “The homeless can be homeless somewhere else” is the apparent mindset. Not that such a mindset is very Christian among those who profess that religion, but it’s not irrational, either.

Yup. Batshit crazy.

Nice manifesto! Can I get an autographed copy??

Crazy isn’t so much being out of step with the rest of the human race. A lot of us feel we are quite out of step. Crazy is being bothered by being out of step. Crazy is beating yourself up for being out of step. Crazy is buying into the idea that you are crazy because you are out of step and you won’t change your views to conform.

I was crazy.

Actually, there’s good crazy and bad crazy. Bad crazy is being out of step and letting it make you feel like you need to die. Good crazy is being out of step and seeing that as a badge of pride.

I was crazy, but I am crazy no more. Now, I am crazy.

The difference is that I no longer let my worries about being different and therefore being useless to anyone and worthless, as well, get me to think it’s time I did everyone a favor and checked out from life.

Your ideas and beliefs are not the problem. Your feelings that you are out of step and that that makes you wrong and useless and worthless: those are problems.

In my case, as I’m sure you know by now, it took meds and therapy for me to come to accept myself and not feel like I had to be someone different in order to be worthwhile. I had to learn that the notion of worth and success is part of the capitalist conspiracy. The idea is you make people feel bad so they will do certain things, like try to make money.

The solution is not to stop feeling bad. It is to stop being bothered by feeling bad. It is to see my notions of self judgment as being worthless. If my judgment about myself is worthless, then those judgments don’t mean anything and aren’t a decent basis for deciding what to do. They sure aren’t helpful.

Philosophically, understanding that I get to decide what is meaningful, and that there is no objective way to decide what is worthwhile and what isn’t frees me to choose the things I believe in as worthwhile. As long as I believe that I am trying to do good (and my life has been dedicated to doing good—mostly for the world, but also lately for myself), and as long as I can defuse the mind games I play with myself, then I can do what I do and feel comfortable with it.

Depression is your problem, as I see it; not your world view. I happen to agree with much of what I hear from you, but that doesn’t matter. It’s your own essential comfort with your self that is important, and if you are depressed, it is very difficult to be comfortable with yourself.

Depression makes us feel bad, but our bad feelings are based purely on a random accident of brain chemistry, not any kind of external reality. The problem is that our brains have evolved to equate internal feelings with external causes. So when that relationship is broken, we still think it is true and we still try to believe that our bad feelings are based on something we have done wrong.

If you can learn to disassociate internal feelings that are baseless from whatever cause you attribute them to, you can start to learn to let those bad feelings happen without making you do anything. You have to use your mind to separate out feelings that are based on an appropriate reality from those that are based on coincidence. One filter people use to do this is to ask themselves the question of whether a feeling is helpful to them or not. You let unhelpful feelings go, while paying attention to the more useful feelings. Of course, it takes a lot of learning and practice to get this technique to work for you much of the time.

FWIW, I think you are well-liked and respected here. I know I love to see what you have to say. It is often provocative and thoughtful and based on serious knowledge and I appreciate that. I’m not an anarchist. I suspect most anarchists would say I’ve sold out, but I’m ok with that now. I like being comfortable. So I tolerate more injustice than I used to. Except for a few months in my life, I’ve never worked for the private sector. I worked for social change with activist organizations and unions and progressive think tanks and in academia. Academia is about social change, too, I believe. It seems to be a haven for activists who want more comfort in life. But what’s important is that I’ve come to accept that I am doing my part in any way I can, and I don’t have to sacrifice my life to prove I’m making a difference. That’s what I’m comfortable with. It has relaxed me to come to this point.

Your relaxation point will be different. But you haven’t found it if you are thinking about checking out a lot of the time.

Do you by any chance own any guns? If you do sell them or give them to a stable person now.

You sound normal to me. I don’t think the truly insane question their sanity/sexuality so much. Peace.

I’m not sure if you noticed but about a dozen people here (“inexplicably”) cared enough about you to invest their time and energy thinking about you. Just you.
Sorry, pal, but that is proof that you are not alone.

You have no idea how you affect others. Want proof? OK. Just this post from you today taught me about Camus, L’Etranger and anomie, 3 words that were never written in any of my engineering textbooks. Earlier Qs, rants, diatribes, answers from you taught me about diverse topics like homelessness, raising money, porn, oppression, etc. Wait let me check…. Nope…. I did not see any of those words in my Properties of Pre-Stressed Concrete textbook either.

No matter what problems you are facing, you can better handle them if you are healthy. Work on yourself. Do the free stuff first, like: getting enough sleep, exercising, and not overeating.
Good luck.
And “thank you” for all you’ve taught me.

I don’t think you are crazy at all, I actually think you are about as far from crazy as you can get. You are almost too sane because you seem to experience everything really intensely. Where most people can switch off (or at least try to switch off) from the things that anger them, you seem to deliberately hold onto that anger. From previous answers of your’s on here I get the impression that you enjoy being angry at the human race and feel superior and enlightened. This is what I feel you need help for as you seem to lack compassion and that, if it hasn’t already, will cause you to be incredibly lonely in the future and I’m pretty sure no one wants that, even those that aren’t attracted to people in a sexual way. In short I think you’d probably be a lot more relaxed and content if you were crazy.

I hope that you can find a way to make your life and opinions a little more relaxed without losing the key things that make you unique.

Whilst I really don’t want to mock your description of yourself, I couldn’t help but be reminded of Sheldon from Big Bang Theory whilst reading it.

If Sheldon Cooper and Woody Allen had a child…

I have always respected you and have on a few occasions felt of a kindred spirit to you. I have yet to take that leap of faith even with medication and therapy.

I have an iron bubble around
myself that keeps the absurdity and pointlessness of the world and all of its tragedy away from my heart. Because when it comes down it, it is my (and maybe your) tender heart that is the source of your anguish. Not that it’s a good thing, necessarily.

What I can tell you is that when your brain chemistry is
wonky your reasoning skills are not as sane as you perceive them to be. But that is something youwon’t understand until you adjust your brain chemistry.

Maybe I’m just fooling myself. But to be a fool is to be something, which is better than feeling like nothing.

I truly think it’s the world that’s insane, but you are driving yourself crazy being so concerned with it all. An existentialist knows that it all amounts to nothing in the end, so don’t waste your consciousness letting others define your world. That’s for you to do.

I’m out of step with the rest of the world too. The main difference between us is that I choose to create my own happy world with minimal interference/interaction with other people. It works quite well for me.

I also have a chemical imbalance that often affects my thinking, but it is largely under control with medication, which I take daily. Regular exercise and healthy eating, combined with medication can make a huge improvement in your life.

No.

I’ve heard it said many times that if I meet one or two assholes during my day, then they are probably just that. However, if everyone I meet is an asshole, then I’m probably the asshole instead.

@Kardamom & I think alike.

Actually, a lot of what you wrote sounds logical. Almost too logical. You sound like your brain is wired differently than that of the Average Joe. There’s nothing wrong with being different.

Different =/= Insanity

I feel so many of the things you do, so no, you are not alone.

The terms “sane” and “insane” are useless and meaningless labels.

If you are troubled by your own thoughts, feelings or behaviours, then you should be assessed and if necessary treated by a competent, licensed mental health professional. If people who know you well urge you to get help, then you should do so. Sometimes people around you can be more objective than you can be when you are feeling distressed.

While some things can not easily be changed in the world, your painful experience about them does not have to continue. You are clearing functioning at a high level intellectually, You seem to have great concerns about how feel and respond to the world around you. It would be wise for you to seek professional help so you can feel better about yourself and your environment. As an activist, you will accomplish more if your efforts are not undermined by your distress and concerns about it.

I wish you the best with any efforts you make to deal effectively with your concerns.

You sound similar to me in some ways. I was never really into the dating/relationship scene, and I believe that is why all of my dates and ‘relationships’ fell apart very quickly, because deep down I never felt that ‘lust’ either, and most people play games in that department. It gets on my nerves when people in relationships bring up about my unattached lifestyle, and throw it in my face. My philosophies on many things seem very fringe too. I’ve always been an outsider my entire life regardless of which situation I’ve been in. The concept of nationalism never appealed to me that much either.

I’m not sure what you’re really asking here, but perhaps there are more people like you than you realize. I don’t think that ‘outsiders’ are bad people, and true goodness needs to be judged by what you’re willing to do when you know that most people will look down on you. I love helping people, but I prefer to do it in my own way. Many people choose to play the game, while a few choose to remain off of the grid.

I don’t think that you are insane, but I understand your feelings of isolation. Intelligent people are frequently alone. As a matter of fact, everyone of us is alone & desperate to find some connection to others – but intelligence adds an extra barrier. It would be far simpler to be less intelligent & possibly even religious, in order to have others with which to identify & be friends. But intelligence demands that others (in order to be accepted as friends) be intelligent also. It is a sad situation to recognize the problems of the world but be powerless to change them.

If you are looking for suggestions for change – perhaps you could discover the power all of us have called the Power of Ignore. Instead of trying to make everyone else do it your way, just ignore them.

@SmashTheState Definitely not insane. Different? Yes. Iconoclastic? Most certainly. But your articulate discussion of your mental makeup and your connection to the prevailing methods of thought—insipid though they may be, proves conclusively to me that you are far from insane. You are an iconoclast in an age when the bulk of our cultural icons deserve nothing but being dismantled. Stay in the game and cast your vote on replacing the existing memes with something truly connected to life today, with all it’s inanities.

I think many people feel what you feel, however very few take the approach that you do.
A lot of people detest authority, they fear and loathe it. Thing is, it seems so ultimate everywhere, that people will praise it and seek its protection and guidance, since most people just want to be happy and in peace, and they don’t feel that they can fight against it, whether they actually can or not. You fight against it, so obviously that will alienate you from a lot of people who are scared, but there are others like you out there. There wouldn’t be riots and opposition and stuff if there weren’t. Still, you’re probably a very strong person, and that can scare people, make them jealous and even hateful.
A lot of people have similar feelings and ideas on stuff like this though, but people don’t fight back or team up and rise against oppression, because social standards have taken such a deep rooted place in our cultures and lives that it seems that’s what it’s all about and that there’s nothing else. Look at politics, the work force, TV, the media…it’s like everything we know and live for is underlined by some greater power, or someone who could crush me like a bug. Or so I think, anyways. It’s a pretty damn complicated subject if I think about it. :/
Sometimes I think people are stopped by fear, rather than a lack of motivation for a better place to live in. I don’t think you’re insane, although you may personally think as such, since a disposition like yours is usually disapproved of. Cmon man, don’t let society make you think you’re nuts according to how people act or don’t act…otherwise I’m not even sure what kinda point you’re trying to make. :p

@SmashTheState has apparently left the building, but I wanted to ask if he is happy at the way the people of Syria and Egypt have taken his smash philosophy seriously.

It’s ok. You’re not insane. You are just wired differently. You have a knack to see a large picture and want to solve it to your liking. I think you would like to see everything leveled out equally. I wouldn’t call you insane. Probably more like noble.
What you should do with your passion and beliefs is write them all down, into a book, send me a pm I’ll help copy edit it.

I’ve always thought you wrote well for a crazy person.

Really crazy people don’t ask themselves or others that question, so, no. You could be overly sane, though…