Should I go to this baby shower?

Hmm – have a similar decision to make about an upcoming family wedding. If it were me, I would probably go to avoid drama, but if it were my therapist’s decision, she would say don’t go if you don’t want to go.

No. I would not go to avoid the drama.
I’d either send a gift or gift card from Target or Amazon.
I’d wash my hands of the cousin drama completely.

This is the fun of being an adult, IMO. My mommy can’t make me go to my cousin’s party just because it’s the right thing to do.

BTW @Supacase I’ve been in this situation repeatedly with sister-in-laws. I’ve now cut one SIL out sompletely and will visit with the other one only when I now the other SIL isn’t attending/invited. My lifeis nearly drama free due to this change.

I wouldn’t go and would send some form of money/gift card instead. If you haven’t spoken in a year or two, I see no reason to start now.

Consider that “Abby” might not have created the guest list and may have no idea that you were invited, as friends of the mother-to-be often throw the shower. Alternately, if she did personally request your presence, I would be wary of her motives considering her past behavior. Either way, attending the shower seems like a quick way to stir up trouble. Just avoid the bad situation altogether and send a small gift as a formality.

Me, I would go, be nice and cordial to all, big smiles, please, thank you, so nice to see you’s all around, and show all that I am here and I am not afraid.

This is a wonderful time to start to eliminate the “I should’s” from your life. Why should you?

Are you important enough to cause family drama? If so, then it is their problem. The more you take care of yourself, the less guilt and anxiety you will feel. The stronger and more empowered you are, the less likely you will be picked on.

Send a reasonable gift…like a cute onesie and a cordial card.

To be completely honest, after really thinking about it, part of my hesitation is that the event is an hour away and I don’t want to devote my entire Saturday to this.

Good enough reason. “No, thanks. I have plans but here’s a really cute onesie.”

Personally, I wouldn’t go in that situation. I would send a gift card for wherever they’re registered.

Now that you say it’s an hour away, I probably wouldn’t go. I would do as @gailcalled said, send a gift in the mail with a really nice, gracious card.

I may just send a gift, I tend to avoid things if I know there is any tension could be caused. You don’t know if it was just the family planning the shower and since you are related by marriage they invited you. I would want to rain on someone elses shower, when a gift is more than adiquate

It would be OK to just send a gift.

can you blame YOUR side of the family and fake (or create)a family event that you already committed to? Then you have an excuse to just send a gift.

@Judi: I don’t think details are necessary – just “I am so sorry I have a previous engagement.”

@jca , that works in most cases, but sometimes, with family, well…...

My mother in law will grill me about why I wasn’t there.

@Supacase: This is a very good time to establish some boundaries with her. Grilling is rude, infantilizing and preventable.

^Yep. I agree. The MIL used to think she could get away with guilt tripping me. I set a firm boundary.

@Supacase: In that case, tell her you are invited to a coworker’s party, if you don’t want to hear her mouth.

Don’t lie, please. That kind of behavior is bullying, and you need to learn how to stop it. Stand up to her once in a pleasant, firm and clear way and you won’t have to do this again.

Would you like us to write a script for you?

I wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t give the MIL an excuse. If she presses me, I would say that it is none of her business, as politely as I could.

Even a plan to spend the afternoon in a bubble bath falls under the rubric of “previous plans.”

I personally wouldn’t go because once a bad dynamic always a bad dynamic.

Maybe I’m a wimp, but I hate drama. That’s why I would have “other plans,” and if pushed I would have a believable story. You can’t change a mother in law very easily.

@Judi: Also, the advantage of another plan is that it’s not flexible. If you say to the MIL you don’t want to go, she may insist that you go, or talk you into it, and depending on how weak the OP is, she may bend. Other plans =/= no bending.

@Judi: The point here is not changing the mother-in-law but yourself. It is astonishing how well that works after the first nose-to-nose.

@gailcalled , you are a stronger woman than I.

I just want to say that this is one of the (many) fine things about being a man: I have never had to come up with an excuse to avoid a baby shower. Not one single time. Life is great.

I would politely decline the invitation and perhaps send a gift.

MIL just emailed practically begging me to go to a family reunion (even my husband doesn’t know these people except bt name) because she needs someone to talk to. About her marital problems, work annoyances, back pain, trying to find out my marital issues, etc. I know this is off topic, but so ieritating had to tell someone.

Ok, I have made a lot of progress in setting boundaries with her (I’m not going to that reunion for sure!) so I am not going to let her questioning me be a deciding factor regarding the shower. I’m leaning toward not going…

I wouldn’t go. If you want to be honest with your MIL about why you’re not going, just say “We are not that close, and it’s over an hour away.” Do send a gift, though.

“We’re not that close, and it’s such a ride, but I am sending her a great gift!”

I wouldn’t go. If you aren’t even on speaking terms I wouldn’t send a gift either.

I forgive people because I don’t like to carry that burden around. But I do not give people another opportunity to fuck with my life again. When I’m done with a person, I stay done.

Without reading ^^^^ I say Go. It’s never, ever too early to start mending fences, but there will come a day when it will be too late. The bigger person is the one who steps forward first.

@Judi: Personally I have found in the long run it takes a lot less energy to take a stand. Otherwise (and I do speak only for myself) I would find all that prevaricating and capitulating really profoundly exhausting.

But worth one more try @gailcalled…?

I would send a gift with a little card wishing her all the best. Tell her something came up and you cannot be there although you wanted to.

I see her invitation as an olive branch. It feels to me that Abby wants to mend fences. A new baby is a beautiful new beginning. Do you feel able to start to try to forgive her behaviour? Do you even want to? If you feel you want to get rid of the negativity and put this behind you then go. You don’t have to forget what she did and I doubt you could do that but perhaps you can both move on and find a way to let go of the past.

It was an entirely different situation but my family and I had become estranged. I hadn’t done anything terrible, we had had a disagreement and fell out. I wanted to try to bring the situation to a close and invited them all to my wedding. Not one of them came. This has always struck me as so small minded. Their choice but life is short and holding on to negativity is not healthy.

I didn’t read the previous responses until after I made my post. If you don’t want to go just be honest and say you don’t want to attend. Say you don’t feel close enough to her to attend and would rather not be there unless you feel you can be positive about the occasion. You don’t need to lie and make excuses.

@Bellatrix: I have to respectfully disagree with you on your last few sentences. The last thing I would do is say I would rather not be there unless I could be positive about the occasion. That seems to open a whole bunch of opportunities for more arguing and negativity.

They don’t talk to each other now. Why should she lie? If she doesn’t want to go – tell the truth and then go back to not talking. Also, I would be amazed if Abby didn’t think she doesn’t want to go and is making excuses if she lies. Why add more lies to the situation.

@Bellatrix: I still feel that if she didn’t want to lie about being busy, something vague is better than something negative.

Maybe the Collective can weigh in with their opinions?

Here is the way I look at it. A family member extended an invitation. Abby’s intent may be a passive way of offering a peace offering, or it may be a way to save face should someone ask why you weren’t invited.

You have the choice to go or turn down the invitation. If you decide to attend, you might experience some barbed comments from Abby, have to put up with listening to her MIL’s complaints, and possibly chalk it up to personal time wasted.

OTOH, if handled well, it makes you look like a good person. It may even turn out to be an enjoyable event. There is always the chance that it might rekindle an amicable relationship with Abby. The two of you now have something else in common: a child. From what I’ve witnessed, that can open doors for bonding.

@jca, my experience has shown lying is rarely the right option. If she doesn’t want to be involved with this person and she makes some excuse other invitations may follow. She doesn’t have to be nasty, just truthful. “I am not ready to resume our relationship and I don’t want to ruin your special time with your baby so I am going to decline this invitation”. End of story. Obviously you and others may prefer to do something else. This is what I would do.

Oh, I don’t need to forgive. That’s done. I truly wish her well and feel she is so blessed with this child. It’s more that I just don’t care to become involved again. Being sincerely polite at family gatherings is a close enough relationship for me.

If Heidi goes, (totally never know with her) I may go so our girls can play together since they don’t get to see each other often. Otherwise, I’m sending a gift.

Do report back, please.