When I was growing up, it seemed to me that a man was like John Wayne. A man takes charge. A man tells others what to do and does it naturally, without having to prove that he is worthy. There is no question. When people look around the room for a leader, their eyes all fall on one person, and that person is the man.
A man had this aura around him, and there was no question that others would do what he told them to do. They wanted to do it. They were eager for him to be manly around them. They were waiting for him to take charge.
Sometimes there were other things men did, but I didn’t like these things so much. Men killed. Men beat up others, including, sometimes, their wives and children. Men had such authority that they never questioned themselves. Men didn’t need emotions. Men were always right. Men, therefore, didn’t have to feel anything. Men made money. Lots of it. Men were assholes.
Growing up, I found I didn’t really like this idea of manhood. It seemed unattainable. I didn’t want to run roughshod over everyone. I didn’t want to have to be a bread winner. I didn’t want to have to be right all the time. I didn’t want to have to fight. I didn’t want to be the one to ask a girl out and never have her indicate what she wanted. I didn’t always want to be the pursuer.
I wanted to be pursued, too. I wanted to share the burdens of life and income. I wanted to take care of my children, not just be a success object. I wanted a woman who could lead as well as follow. I wanted to listen and be listened to.
In the seventies, women were seeking equal rights. They wanted equal pay for equal work. They wanted people’s roles in life to be determined by our own preferences, instead of being forced into stereotypical roles by the expectations of those around us. These were all things that I also wanted, not just for them, but for myself.
I wanted to be a lover, not a fighter. I wanted to be creative as well as to earn money. I didn’t want to judge myself by how much money I earned. I didn’t want to be a guy who couldn’t handle his wife making more than he did. I wanted to be measured by my loves and my caring and my work to make the world better, not by the money I made.
To make a long story short, I did these things.
And oddly, over the years, I became more confident in myself, and I started leading people. I started having people want me to advise them and help them. I became a man that women liked. I was no longer afraid to ask for things I wanted and rejection stopped bothering me the way it did when I was a teen. I am a person people turn to, now. But it is because I am not John Wayne, that people trust me. They know I will listen and that I actually care about them and will never deliberately hurt them. They know I take them as they are, and do not hold their past or anything that might stereotype them against them.
A man is confident, I think. So, too, is a woman. Men and women listen and care and lead when it is useful to do so, and follow and are supportive when that is the role to take on. Men and women are different, of course, the the traits of leadership are the same. I think that a man who is a Man is a man who can lead, and the same is true of a woman.