Chose her ex...but it was a difficult decision. What should I do?

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. There is nothing that you can do, but move on with your life. Assume that she won’t contact you again (very likely).

It will hurt for a while. Try to involve yourself in things that will take you out of your pain. Perhaps volunteering.

Hang out in groups. You need people and fun.

In time, you will get over her.

I feel you should move on.

Let her go, seems as if she was on the rebound and not fully over that relationship.

Silver Dagger song

I’m sorry I can really hear you are hurting a lot. It just sounded like she wasn’t ready to let go of her relationship with her then ex. I do believe you can love two people at once, so I do believe from what you say, that she has feelings for you. But whether she will follow it up no one can tell. You can only try and keep your mind occupied, it does hurt less over time. Plus keep a door open for her. But also try to move on a little you know? It’s at times like this when we need good friends around us, can you perhaps go out or visit with them, it will help take your mind off things a bit.

Will she come back?

@skb0528 It is unlikely that she will come back. I am sorry to tell you this, but it is better to face the truth.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Even though it seemed like your girlfriend was out of her relationship with her ex for quite awhile before you and she got together, I think it was way too soon for her to be getting together with anyone in a romantic manner.

I think for men, it’s easier for them to jump right out of one relationship and into another, at least that’s how it seems from my vantage point.

It’s too bad that your girlfriend didn’t just hang with friends and do activities to keep her mind occupied for about a year before she got together with you or anyone else. It was just too soon. She wasn’t over her ex, as you are seeing very clearly right now. Unfortunately for you, you were the re-bound person.

Your girlfriend may or may not stay with her ex, and she might come crying to you if she breaks up again. The only way you should even consider getting back together with her, is if she takes a year off and maybe gets some very short term relationship counseling during that time. Don’t jump into a relationship with her right away, or it will most defininitely end the same way it did the last time, if not worse.

If you decide to be just friends with her, think long and hard about what that really means. I’ve seen too many people (myself included) get hurt by allowing themselves the indulgence of being just friends. What ususually happens is that those relationships are totally one sided. Because you actually love her like a girlfriend/spouse/mate or whatever you want to call it, not just a buddy, it will be excrutiating for you to be with her and not be able to kiss and hold hands and tell her lovey-dovey stuff. It’s likely that you will slip up and then you’ll get screwed all over again, when she tells you that you guys should just be friends.

You may have to walk away, at least for a year, and then see what happens later. So sorry, my friend : (

Many people say that she will come back after she realizes that she made a mistake. That she will miss me, but if she misses me how could she stay away from me now? I can’t believe this has happened. I am in so much pain.

Crazy thing is Kardamom is that when I met back up with her she had a lot of problems…drinking all the time, smoking pot, repressed abuse and I got her in to a counselor. I called 40 counselors till I found the right one…a good fit for her. After a few sessions in counseling is when she decided to go back to her ex saying she needed “closure.”

@skb0528 Does her ex live that kind of lifestyle? I am referring to drinking and smoking pot? If so she could have gone back to “that” not the ex. Either way a newly sober, person cannot make good decisions for themselves often, in the early days of sobriety.

Besides her exs name I know nothing about her. Shippy, I am confused and so hurt. Just Sunday night of last week she told me everything would be ok and that she loved me, and now she is back with her ex. I have been not contacting her but it is so hard. I can’t believe that she has not reached out to me. It hurts that she could let me go so quickly and not even look back.

Welcome to Fluther.

It is understandable how you feel. Many people have been in a similar situation. What they often find is that there is nothing to be done at this point. She still has emotional ties to the ex, and it sounds like she knows that she needs to give it her best shot in order to find out if there is still hope or cleanly walk away from it.

Her recent time with you sounds like it will always be special. In fact, there is always the possibility that after returning to the ex, the rose-colored glasses may come off, and she’ll see the ex in a different light.

No one should be telling you what the chances are of her returning to you. No one knows the answer. Your loved one couldn’t even answer it, and she is the only one in the position to venture a guess.

Take the sage advice offered above and refrain from reaching out to her. Keep yourself busy. And please keep us posted on your well-being. We’re a caring group here.

Fluther…thank you. Your response brings me some peace. I greatly appreciate it. I have never felt so wounded—can’t sleep, eat, or concentrate. I love her, and hope in time she comes back to me.

Sorry…I meant Pfeffer! OMG my mind is full

You asked “Will she come back?” If she did, would you want her back?
Think of the pain you are in right now. Think about how you were treated. Would you ever be able to trust here again? Do you want to live life walking on eggshells trying to keep here happy.?

Even though it is painful now, recognize that you dodged a bullet. It will get better.

I hate to sound hard-hearted and callous, but my first advice is, “Join the club.”

Second, heartbreak isn’t fatal, it only feels like it should be.

I’m sorry for your loss – really, because it is a loss and I know that you’re grieving – but these things happen. I don’t want to say “you should have seen this coming, and should not have rushed into a rebound relationship with her,” so I won’t say that. (Not that I’ve never done that myself, from both directions.)

But it’s always our “fault” when we fall in love and get hurt. So we just have to get over the hurt, forget about how badly it has hurt us in the past, and… do it again. Good luck for next time.

They say living well is the best revenge. As it happens, it’s also the best lure.

Get on with your life, grow, enjoy. If you don’t end up with someone else, she may change her mind again. Although at some point, the reality that your true love can’t commit becomes a problem.

I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. Let yourself grieve for a bit, it’s natural to need that. But sooner rather than later, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move forward. We wish you the best.

As I read this I couldn’t help but think “at least she was honest about it.” Just think how much worse it would be if she strung you both along for a year or more!

You know, things happen, especially when you start dating someone who isn’t over their ex. It’s hard.

Just think of the stuff you gave up to be with her, and do some more of that. Appreciate the alone time, and then one day you’ll find someone, and eventually you’ll think “good thing I didn’t stay with Ms. XYZ, or I never would’ve found THIS”

Unless you’re an emo, you’ll pull through, and it’s all for the better :)

FOLLOW-UP…Last night she texted me a lame text that said, “Hi, I just am wondering how you are doing?” So I texted back about 15 hours later, “Taking this one step at a time and focused on making myself better.” She then texted back, “Glad to hear that. Really miss u.” Now I have a decision…to I say anything or nothing at this point? What is trying to accomplish through saying she misses me?

Wow…First, I think your response was perfect.

Let’s think through this…what might be going on in her mind? It seems like it is probably one of four scenarios.
1.) She’s intentionally stringing you along.
2.) She is already regretting her decision to get back with the ex. and is testing the water with you.
3.) She is happy where she is, but knows that the decision broke your heart. She cares about your well-being, but isn’t thinking clearly about how much it will hurt you to hear from her, especially this soon.
4.) She thinks that the two of you can go straight from a romantic relationship into a platonic one.

Again, none of us knows what the intent of the text was. It isn’t fair to you for us to make any assumptions.

My question to you at this point is, what do you want to do? Respond, or let it go for now? I think that you should go with your gut instinct. Please let us know what you decide to do.

I think I will let it go for now. Truth is, if she is regretting her decision I deserve a lot more than that. I believe if you truly miss and want to be with someone nothing will stop you. I can’t handle being strung along anymore or living in her ex’s shadow. I need to think of me, and need a break to reflect.

I really feel, and bear with me, I dont know this person at all, that your comment about her needing therapy and help to reach sobriety is really causing her own distress at the moment. I myself have been in recovery for twenty odd years, and remember well the ruling. No intimate relationships in the beginning, no huge decisions. Our emotions are all over the place. Our minds stopped growing the moment we first picked up and used because we didn’t deal with problems and learn and grow from them.

I think she does miss you, she also wants to be with her ex for some reason. The reasons are unknown to you. The only thing you can do right now is self preservation. You are right to sit back and reflect. But keep busy, reaffirm yourself and value by hanging out with people who enjoy you. Or take part in answering questions here! Something to keep the mind occupied in a pretty constructive way.

People who care about people rarely vanish into nothingness. There is a time, they meet up again, perhaps when this time comes more will make sense to both of you. But again self preservation is key, you are the most important person in this scenario.

Shippy…thank you so much. You are so smart and I appreciate your feedback. Yes, she does have many problems but I love her more than I have ever loved anyone. Not sure why she is choosing her ex…when I loved her as much as I did. I just need to protect myself and hope that she comes back around.

I know you are going through agony right now, but don’t let your agony be an excuse to get back into a situation that is bound to cause you a lot more pain and trouble down the line.

The fact that your girlfriend has so many problems and uncertainties tells me that she is not a suitable candidate to be in a relationship with anybody.

I’m going to give the same advice that I did before I even knew she had all of the drug problems and possible post traumatic stress issues, you need to let her go away for at least a year, by herself, and let her sort out her problems. You did a good deed by finding a therapist for her, now it’s up to her to continue to go and get help. But it would be very un-wise of you to even toy with the idea of being her girlfriend while all of this is going on. Co-dependency does not make for a healthy relationship.

Unfortunately your girlfriend, is very, very needy and that can seem so charming to you, the fact that she “needs” you. But getting into a relationship where the other person “needs” you rather than wants to be with you and has plenty to offer you as well, is a recipe for disaster. Because she’s so troubled (coupled with the fact that she’s probably fun to be around and gave you a wonderful whirlwind romance) you have become infatuated with her and the idea of love. Don’t fall into that trap. I’ve done that and it’s a b*tch trying to pull yourself out of that mess. And it will become a much bigger mess for you if you don’t walk away now.

You don’t need to put it to her like that, just tell her that you have come to realize that she needs to get herself sorted out before she can be in a healthy relationship with anybody and that you wish her well. Let her know that she needs to spend at least a year getting help, and that you are going to go on with your life in the meantime.

Part of the time period is for her, and part of it is for you. Hopefully by then, if you’re not in contact with her, you will have come to realize that this relationship just isn’t in the cards. You gave it a good try, but then you figured out that there was much more going on than you had known about or bargained for. Then move forward, one step at a time. Next time, spend more time getting to know the person before you allow yourself to be swept up by passion.

Passion is a wonderful thing, but only if it is in the context of a healthy relationship. This one wasn’t : (

@Kardamom I agree with most of what you are saying. One question though…what if the girl gets her act together? What if she realizes that the ex is a huge mistake, leaves her, cleans up her act and tracks down @skb0528 in the future? I don’t want to give any false hope, but it can happen.

That’s what we’d call the Hollywood ending, @Pied_Pfeffer. I suppose Hollywood endings actually happen from time to time, but I wouldn’t bet much on my life turning out that way, or advise anyone else to do that, either.

I think you responded very well to her initial text, and that your instincts are right about not responding to the second one. As you said, take it one step at a time and focus on yourself right now.

@Pied_Pfeffer I guess “if” is the magic word. That’s why I suggest that the OP wait at least a year (for the girlfriend to attempt to get her act together). The girlfriend’s problems are pretty extreme and she has a troubled past. So even if she claimed that she was clean and sober and cured, a month from now, I don’t think that’s enough time to hope that the problems have been solved for good. In the meantime, during the passing of the year, the OP will have a chance to let her mis-guided (at this time) passion die down a little bit, and live a life separate from the girlfriend, and even possibly find a more suitable girlfriend.

If after a year has passed, and the girlfriend comes back (and the OP’s still single) and proves to her that she’s been clean and sober and been involved with therapy that has helped her to move past her abusive past in a healthy manner, then, and only then, would I suggest even considering getting back together, and even if they do get back together, it should be a long, deliberate process with lots of stipulations and deal-breakers brought up at the very beginning.

@Kardamom Thanks for the clarification. I just went back and read your first answer and see the reference to ‘at least a year’.

@CWOTUS Yeah, I don’t know of anyone that has ended up in the Hollywood ending with this type of relationship. I do know of a few people who have gotten back together with an old flame, albeit many years later.

You were correct in being neutral. She wants to ‘have her cake and eat it to,’ choose the other, but still have what she wants from you.

Unfortunately, that’s not the way it works many times. You are one of those times. It might not have been easy for her to, she might genuinely miss you, but it’s the choice she made and now has to live with.

Keep it up and you’ll be just fine!